Monday, November 24, 2008

FROM ONE SELFISH MAN TO ANOTHER

DESIRES. LONESOME. EGO. NEEDS. RESENTMENT. ANGER. PAIN. UNHEALTHY EMOTIONS.

I was not a Safe Place.

I have been on a 2 year path of recovery.
This is what I have learned about myself.

Self, now there is a mighty big word for one such as I. I find I was addicted to Self, Needy, Selfish, Uncaring, Unkind, Resentful, so full of myself and my own stuff I could not look at anyone else’s, not even my Wife’s. This is the woman I promised, my God, your Higher Power, her Children, Parents and my friends I would guard, cherish, honor, love, in sickness and in health. I look back at my life’s template, I am so ashamed at how I treated my Wife, my Family, my God and Myself.

The sense of unworthiness that invaded my very soul, where no amount of scolding or criticism could ever begin to start to express my sense of despair, with who I have been the past 40 years of my life. 40 plus years of Bad Behavior.

Bad Behavior. Behavior that made everyone in my life, everyone I loved, unsafe. I implore you to seek out Safety, for your wife, family, friends, your co-workers, yourself. My sense of self slowly dissolved over time, eroding away at my very core as I allowed myself the false belief that I was the only one. That my needs & desires were not being met and I selfishly lash out with cruelty, neediness and other behaviors.

If I could Touch one soul, one other man, out there. A man such as I. Who turned away from his wife in search of something so intangible, we could not even put a name to it. I, turned away from the very person that would help me find what matter’s most, help me with my troubled past, share with me my most intimate thoughts, needs, desires.

My ego was mixed up in my sense of what it takes to be a Man. Ego is also an awfully large word that expresses so much. The inability to ask for help, the inability to reach out to the one we should, our wives and ask for their tender hand, a caring hand, one that would caress my/our sweating brow as I/we try to manage the daily grind, the obsessions, the cruel stuff that comes my/our way and tries to divert us from what is real and what is not.

Now, looking back, I see how I could have been the one that reached out my hand to help my hurting, loving Wife, asking her what I could do to bring her Joy, Peace, Happiness, Intimacy, Caring. A Loving True Partner. After all, is that not what we all seek, how could I not be the one that reached out first? Offering a helping hand first, be the one that is the caregiver and not the selfish taker, the one that wipes the sweating brow, helping my wife with the things that torment her, makes her cry, talks to her in her dreams and makes her cry out at night, cruel stuff that is thrown at her, temptations, cruel evil doers that would steal her joy, her peace. I should have stood up and guarded her against such things, not thrown her under the bus, to the wolves, I should have been her Guardian against the Night, Her Angel of Mercy, Her Knight in shining Armor, the Hero she so needed, wanted and depended on.
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Reality is, my wife has and does, cries out to me in the dark. Her anger, that which I use to use as an excuse to turn away from her was nothing more than her pain caused from my distance. I think of her tears, the ones she shed for so many years and I ignored, only believing she was weak, now I know they were tears of Love. If she did not Love me, she would not have cared enough to shed a tear or even get angry, she would have just walked away, leaving me in my own darkness. Alone.

I can now face Reality. I can now deal with my stuff that laided buried for many years, using what use to define me, my anger and resentment, to hurt her and others.

Behaviors, that now when I look back, I reflect with shame. I see now, how if I could have just stepped back for one moment and really took a look at myself, my life would have been so different. The lives of those I loved, could have been better. “If Only” how I wished I could been different, done it better.

Self infatuation, resentment, anger, egotism, I used these things to cloud my judgment and divert me from Gods will. I allowed my selfish desires to divert me from the one true meaning I could have had in life, A true connection to my wife, my champion, my cheerleader, my source of true joy, my companion, my friend, my intimate reflection.

I would like to end my life, leaving my Legacy on this Earth as a true man, the one who reached out the hand, protected his family, Loved His God. I have lost the chance to be the first, to be the man that stood like a stone wall between my family and the rest of the world, the first to be the one that was the giver and not the taker. To be the caregiver instead of the complainer. The man who took the responsibility to maintain his own integrity, dignity and self respect. I have since learned, This is the TRUE MEASURE OF A MAN. I now want to be the great lover God wanted me to be. I would like my Tombstone to read that I went out Loving my wife and Family unconditionally.

At the beginning, when my wife discovered the true man she married, I feared she would leave me. I had so much Shame, quilt, insecurities and fears that I did not give her what she deserved, the TRUTH. It took me 18 months to spill out the man I had been to her and our family. Truly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, FACE WHO I WAS, HAD BEEN AND DONE TO THOSE I LOVED. It is truth, complete and honest truth that has set me free, my wife free as well. Although Hard, it was the best thing I ever did as a man. I finally stood up, got real, faced myself and took responsibility for who and what I had done. A True Measure Of A Man. If you are struggling with honesty with your wife, if you fear you will be left standing alone, please put your fears to the side, tell her the truth, she deserves the choice and you deserve the freedom.

Through all of this, my wife and family have loved me unconditionally, they have shown it for the past Twenty years. She as well shows me her love everyday, even when she is mad and hurt with my past Behavior and selfishness, for it is pain I have caused and now must deal with.

I know that God loves me as he loves all his children, from the super smart to the less than smart ones, all of us the same. I can see myself at his knee and his hand on my head as he asks me how I did while I spent my time here on Earth. I know I will hang my head in shame as I tell him all that he already knows. I see him rubbing my back and telling me that it is OK, that He forgives me and I know I am loved. I was just not one of his best children, I was a little slow, I could have done better. Now, I will do better, no matter what may come my way I will be the man, I was intended to be, the man I saw myself as when I was just a little boy.

I have not known God before, nor did I believe in Him. I always thought those that did were idiots, my wife included, but as I have seen the Grace God has put in my wife’s heart through all of this and through her unwavering faith, I know there is a God.
My wife for many years tried telling me about her faith, through my laughter I rejected it. She told me after my affairs and other behavior came to light, “God is Love, Forgiveness, Peace, Joy and Freedom, He is not a puppet master pulling strings, He is a place where we can lay our burdens down, our brokenness, our pain, where His love can fill us up. A place we are never alone. He will forgive us for the things we have done and set us free. He is what gives us Grace in our hearts to Love others even when others have been Unloving to us. God is the wisdom, that we do not have.” I thank God everyday now for my wife and her undying Love and Faith in Him.

I will say the serenity Prayer Daily as it has come to mean so much to me.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This has such a powerful meaning. I can not begin to share how much this simple prayer has meant to me. I also pray this to myself, ‘Lord I ask you into my Heart, Please forgive me my sins and please forgive those that have sinned against me.”

Today, I am determined to be the man I was always meant to be, the true measure of a man, a man who enjoys, loves, protects and encourages his wife and family, leaning on God to get him through each day.


Signed:
A SLOW LEARNER

Sunday, November 23, 2008

TODAY

Well today is my two year anniversary of recieveing that phone call that changed my world. I hope you will all pray for me today and keep me in your thoughts. I truly need you thoughts, prayers and wisdom today. Thank You

Also, I want to congradulate all the women who received the free and discounted Harboring Hope courses through my blog. These were not part of the contest held through Harboring Hope, they were given out strictly through my blog. by me. Follow my blog and maybe you will be the next one to get a free course or a course at discount rates.

All of you, that are going to be taking the Harboring Hope course, please keep me posted on how you are doing and what your thoughts are.

God Bless You
Kate

Friday, November 21, 2008

A THOUGHT

This is no way a Quote for a decision in your marriage, but a thought for your life.

"ALL OF US FACE A CERTAIN DECISIONS IN LIFE THAT SEEM TO REDUCE EVERYTHING TO TWO CHOICES:

WE MAY CHOSE TO CLING TO SOMETHING THAT IS DYING......AND DIE WITH IT........OR, WE MAY CHOOSE TO RELEASE THE THING THAT IS DYING IN OUR LIVES SO WE CAN LIVE AND START OVER AGAIN."

I just thought this quote said so much about what we are all facing in our lives today.

God Bless You All
Kate

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

DISCOVERY DATE RELIVED


This picture was taken at the Oregon Coast and God's beautiful sunset made me realize just how magnificent God truly is.


My two year anniversary of the discovery of my husbands betrayals is just a few days away.

How could I ever forget, November 23, 2006. It was Thanksgiving night, my children and grandchildren just packing up to leave after a wonderful day. During the hustle and bustle of getting them out the door my husbands cell phone started beeping, after I told him numerous times that he had a message, I retrieved it myself.

The funny thing is I had never done this before. In all our years together I never invaded his privacy. It was his work phone, we are in construction and have always gotten many calls at night, during the weekends and on holidays. If any of you are in this business, you know there is no down time.

Because I have been involved in construction as a General Contractor, I knew the routine. Work late hours and receive a hundred calls a day, nothing there ever seemed to be out of whack. I know that some of you have checked your husband cell phone records and were able to immediately figure out something was going on. This would have been impossible for me, unless I redialed every number on his bill and even than that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere as we both talked to men and women all day long.

What I heard that night will forever ring loud and clear in my mind. "If your trying to hurt me, you did a good job, thanks a lot and have a happy Thanksgiving." I was stunned, this didn't sound like a business call to me. I hit replay and handed the phone over to my son in law, I asked him if it sounded like a business call to him, he told me not to jump to conclusions, that maybe it was a wrong number. I knew better. After all the kids were gone and my husband and I were headed off to bed, did I finally question him about it. As we walked into the bedroom, I threw his cell phone on the bed and said, "Explain the message left for you on here." He started to tell me how tired he was, I picked the phone up and replayed the message for him using his speaker phone. He immediately went into defense mode. "It must be a wrong number, I don't know who that is." So I than called his phone using our house phone so he could hear himself say, "Hi this is Wayne ____ with the name of our company, etc..." Now wouldn't someone know they had dialed the wrong number before that 2 minute speech was finished and hung up. Yes they would have, I knew he was lying, I knew that call was meant for him and I knew it was not a work call. He was so defensive, angry, saying how tired he was and just wanted to sleep so I shut up and laid down. Has he snored, I laid awake all night knowing that the next day I was ending my marriage.

When he finally woke up and got out of bed, I couldn't talk. It was Friday morning the 24th and our 18 year wedding anniversary was Sunday. He tried to talk to me, not about the phone call but about the day with the kids and how wonderful it was, but I couldn't speak, all I could do was stare out the window, thinking about the words I was going to use to ask him to leave. Suddenly, he tries to hand me a package with a card and the words "I know this is early but happy anniversary." I just shook my head no, I still couldn't speak. After a few moments he sat down on the edge of the bed and these words came out of his mouth. "I am going to tell you the truth, that phone call you heard last night was a mistake I made in the late nineties, I'm so sorry." All I could think was, late nineties to 2006, there are a lot of years here, but I couldn't speak. He tried to hug me as the tears were running down my cheeks and all I could do was shove him away, that's when my words came. "GO AWAY", that is all I could say and I spoke them over and over. He had no tears, he had no remorse, he showed nothing but self pity for himself, he knew it was over. After about 30 minutes of him trying to convince me that he made a big mistake, never had feelings for this woman, it was strictly sex and that he felt blackmailed by her, I still couldn't speak anything but "GO AWAY."

He finally did leave the bedroom, he went into the garage and started working on something like nothing happened. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my best friend of 26 years and all I could say to her was, "If I ever needed you, it would be now, please come over." She could tell I was crying and extremely upset, she kept asking me, "Whats wrong?" but I couldn't speak. She was at my house within minutes, we live about 20 miles apart, she flew over. When she got there, I still couldn't speak, I just played her the message, she was in shock. She immediately asked me what I wanted to do and all I could say was "I want him to Go Away." She went to the garage, told him she was taking me out of the house for an hour and that he needed to be gone when we got back.

I honestly think he thought I was going to let him stay, that everything was going to stay the same. In fact he told me not long ago, that it wasn't until he was driving down our driveway that it dawn on him that our marriage was done, over. That he had just lost his family. It sure didn't stop him from calling his affair partner though. He called her as he was leaving, he was both angry with her for leaving the message and crying on her shoulder about losing everything. He told her during their conversation that he did not want our marriage and would never come back, when she asked him what that meant for them, he stated, that they would continue.

That night when I got back, I called my kids and they all came over. At that time I only knew about the one affair and that is what I told my children, but than it was enough. The pain I saw in them was more than a mother should ever see in her children. I felt responsible for bring this man into their lives.

He had told them all on Thanksgiving how much he loved them, how he just wanted to say it to them in case anything ever happened to him. Now my children felt completely lied to and betrayed. My son said, "If he could treat you like that mom, there is no way he ever loved us." I hated my husband for that, hate might be putting it a little lite.

My best friend and my oldest daughter spent the night with me that night. I thank God everyday for that support.

The shock was starting to wear off and questions started entering my mind, things I should have asked my husband when he confessed but like I said I couldn't speak. I could now, so I called him. I could hear the pain in his voice, put it didn't mean anything to me. I asked him for his girlfriends name and phone number, at first he didn't want to give it to me, but after my best friend spoke with him, explaining how I had a right to answers, he give it up. Amazing how he couldn't remember her last name though. I sat up all night trying to call his girlfriend, she never answered, little did I know he had called her and told her not to answer my call.

The next day, Saturday the 25th, I made my husband come face the kids, my son refused, but he did speak with my daughters, after they were done, we spoke briefly and he left.

On Sunday our 18 year anniversary, I again had him come over, that day we talked a lot more, I removed my wedding ring from my finger and handed it back to him, I have never put it back on. The meaning is forever gone.

On Monday, I called my Pastor who is also a personal counselor for our church. After I explained what had happened over the past four days he told me to prepare myself, that I probably hadn't heard it all and that there was most likely more affairs, etc. to be told. No matter how prepared you think you are, your not. I had my suspicions early on in our marriage and it left me always wondering, but I was not prepared for what I got, for who he was, he certainly was not the man I married or loved.

I remember wanting to get into the shower and scrub all my skin off, I felt dirty for allowing this man to ever touch me. There was nothing special between us anymore. I asked my husband sometime during the first month, what he had to offer me that wasn't already used up. What did he have that was special for just me. He tried to tell me his heart, that was a joke as far I could tell, he had no heart. I felt he had nothing left to give me, nothing positive, nothing pure and nothing special. He had shared it with way to many.

Now our 20 year anniversary is coming on the 26 of November and Wayne asked me what I wanted to do, how do I want to celebrate our 20 years together. I asked him what do we have to celebrate, 2o years of marriage? Marriage is , commitment and trust, loyalty, sharing, faithfulness, a partnership and friendship, we have not had a marriage to celebrate and I was not going to celebrate signing a piece of paper that was not held sacred for more than 6 months. He said what about 20 years of knowing each other, what do you mean, knowing each other, I haven't known who you were and you have not cared or taken the time to know me, how do we celebrate that. November 26 is not a day to celebrate in anyway. It is now just another day in life. That life is over.

Although Wayne has done so much to change and I can see his changes, it is not about his changes for me anymore, it is about mine. My changes are the deciding factor if our relationship remains. If someday it works out that we can renew our vows and those vows are true and held to the highest level of commitment than I will embrace it. I try not to forecast the future as it is not here yet, I live one day at a time and thank God I have been blessed with another day. Wayne's damage is his to repair, my damage is mine to repair, but he has responsibility to help me heal, by answering my questions and being a support to me.

This time of year is forever changed my excitement for the holidays, but I know with God Grace, I will survive and I pray in time, when my anniversary dates come, that it will get easier every year. Never forgetting, never ignoring, never burying it, but by facing it and confronting it head on.

Has strong as I am, this time of year still takes my soul, my spirit and puts it to the test. I ask for your prayers and your strength and any advice on how you have managed to over come your anniversary of discovery.

I have decided to celebrate Wayne's 2 year sobriety instead of our anniversary, so we are going to a very nice place at the beach for a couple of days. 2 years of being sober is a great accomplishment and I am proud of him for achieving it.

God Bless you all, and my heart goes out to all who are facing their discovery anniversary around the holidays.
Kate

Thursday, November 13, 2008

FROM ONE MAN TO ANOTHER

My husband wrote the letter below for anyone who would like to share it with their husband. From One Man To Another, please share this letter with your spouse if you would like. I think my husband did a very good job explaining what he has and is going through.
Please let me know what you think of his letter.

God Bless:
Kate


From One Man to Another

I want to put in writing, my character defects, defects I refused to believe I had, defects that were killing my spirit, my soul, as well as the spirit and soul of those I professed to love and never once stopped to look at what I was doing.



At 54 years old I was horrified to learn the kind of the man I truly was. It took losing everything, I am not talking about the material things of this life, I am talking about my dignity, my integrity, my self respect and the respect of others. Where I blamed others for my life, I found I was truly the one to blame. I started the hard, at times excruciating look into my own life, the deepest part of my core soul and what I saw was horrifying. My soul was black, I was not the man I believed I was, I pretended to be, instead I found myself to be the man I would not want my daughters, granddaughters, nieces, sisters or any woman to call husband, father, uncle, grandpa or brother. I always believed “that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me”, because of that inner belief, I created that exact man. “Who could love a man, who has done the things I have, especially to those I said I loved.” I realized it was me that needed to change and I began the hard, at times painful work of looking in the mirror of myself, truly, honestly facing who I had allowed myself to become and began the process of change.


When asked about my choices and decisions, as I look back, they are all one way. Selfish, self centered, egotistical, needy, totally uncaring about others or what I was doing to them. I had this belief that all men were just like me, they all viewed pornography, they all masturbated, they all had affairs, they didn’t talk about their weaknesses, all men had jobs, went to work and financially supported their families and that was all they needed to do, what man needs to come home after working hard all day to hear about problems with the kids, or his wife complaining about her hard day, worse yet, want to talk about your marriage and your wife’s unhappiness. I use to tell my wife, “I brought home a paycheck, what more do you want from me.” She should have been happy with that. Never did I stop to notice all the work my wife was doing, her job, the house, the kids, the bills, taking most of the responsibilities for fixing problems or issues that arose, helping friends and family, most of all she took all of the responsibility for our marriage, trying everything to get me to engage, now I see she carried 80% of the load, never once did I stop to appreciate what she sacrificed of her own wants, needs and desires, never once did I stop to listen to her struggles as she carried all this weight of responsibility, never once did I give her credit for being a woman a husband should be proud of, never once did I thank her for her unselfish acts. All I ever did was feel sorry for myself, poor me, my needs aren’t being met, poor me, she won’t have sex with me when ever or where ever I want it, poor me, I don’t get the praise I so deserve, Poor me became the motto I lived by, and it became the very demise of my true manhood.


Let me tell you what I lost.
The innocence I had as a trusted, Husband, Father, Grandfather, son of God.
Freedom of choice.
Respect from my family, my friends.
My self integrity, dignity, self worth, self respect.
I lost the purity, the innocence my wife and I should have shared.
It cost me my legacy. What others will remember of me and who I was.
The example of what a true husband, father, friend, man, should be.
My behavior cost me years of hidden pain and destruction.
It cost my wife memories of our past, where she can no longer go and feel
happy or safe, the price is mine to carry.
I degraded myself and my family, by not loving them fully or protecting
them honestly as I promised to do, I lost the value of my word.
My selfish choices cost me so much, the pain is so deep, the self hate at
times so profound, at times I feel so hopeless, hopeless that I can truly
change, hopeless that I can repair all the damage I have caused my wife, my
family, myself. I know I am the one who created this devastation, so the
Hope of a better tomorrow is mine to inspire. There is Hope.

I wish I had stopped the Train Wreck of my life many year’s ago and focused instead on my personal behavior and how I affected those that loved me, my Wife most of all, my family, my friends, my peers at work, people that looked up to me.

18 years ago I got married for the second time and immediately, within 6 months of giving my promise to Love, Honor and Cherish, started behaving badly. I now had conquered my wife, she was a caught, other men wanted her, but I got her, yet my ego, that empty black hole in myself, wasn’t satisfied and I began to chase other women. It made me feel powerful, in control, a mans, man. I felt like a hero to all these other women. I had myself convinced that the way these other women made me feel was worth any price. Even the price of my wife’s life, my family’s life, as well as my very own life. When I married my wife, she was innocent, pure, she had kept herself for the man she would call her husband. She had told me on our first date that to her, her body was a gift, a gift she would only give to the man she loved and married. I admired that about her, that was one of the things that captivated me to her, yet four years into our marriage, I brought her home an STD, I had a doctor friend of mine convince her that her first husband could have given it to her and it just laid dormant in her body. I saw the pain in her, the humiliation and yet it didn’t stop my behavior. I knew the truth, I knew that the weekend before I had gone out and had a one night stand with a woman I had met at a bar, I knew it was me that gave my wife a disease that would be a life time sentence, yet the shame I felt still didn’t make me stop and look at myself, instead I blamed her, if she would just do her wifely duty and give me sex on demand I wouldn’t have to do what I was doing. My wife believed in making love, enjoying each other physically in a loving, caring way, all I wanted was raw, nasty sex, which always left me feeling lonely and empty in the end. I can’t imagine how lonely and empty my wife must have felt after being with me. She use to tell me how it made her feel lonely, empty and used after wards, but I didn’t care how it made her feel, I got what I wanted.
After awhile, my wife didn’t want to make love to me anymore, hugs and kisses became almost non existent. When she would hug me, kiss me or want to cuddle, I immediately started groping her, grabbing at her body parts in a very unloving manner. She would beg me to go to counseling with her, sex therapy anything to get us, our marriage help, but I always refused, I didn’t need help. I was after all, just a normal man. I can’t tell you how many times my wife wrote me letters, played me songs, begged with tears in her eyes telling me that the way I was behaving was not normal, it all feel on deaf ears, there was nothing wrong with me, it was all her. If she would only stop nagging me, stop pushing me, start appreciating the things I did, start giving me the credit I deserved for just putting up with her, if she would just give me sex, when and how I wanted all would be fine.

I was so selfish and self centered I did not have the ability to ask my wife,
What can I do to help you today.
What can I do to be your soft place to fall.
How can I make your life better.
What do you need from me, how can I bring joy into your life.
How can I lighten your load, lift your troubles away.
What dreams of yours can I help make happen.

My wife has the ability to put others needs before her own, why do I not have that as well. If my wife did not love me, she would not have cared enough to nag, beg, and plead for me to get help for myself or to better our marriage. If she hadn’t of loved me, she would of cared less what I was doing or not doing, she would have turned her back and walked away. My affair partners never cared about me enough to try and help me be a better person, they didn’t care enough to make me face the facts about my character, like lying, cheating or being an emotionally abusive person. In my distorted view, they accepted me for who I was and my wife demanded I be better. Now when I look back, I see that my wife wanted to help enhance my life, my affair partners were about enhancing their own lives, by using me to fill the holes they had in themselves, lying to me to feed my ego, while I was lying to them to feel like a hero. My wife paid the price for all of our issues. My wife, a beautiful, loving, compassionate, loyal, strong woman. This is the woman I asked to marry me, carry my last name, who vowed to love, honor and cherish me, keeping herself faithful to me and I gave her the same vows/promise and than turned my back on her. She kept her vows, why didn’t I? I married her and than threw away the person who should have been the most precious one to me. All for what?

I refused to look at my own defects, me, a Professional Project Manager, I could so manage your stuff, I could give you advice on how to live your life, what you were doing wrong, but I always refused to look at my own. Important stuff I left buried. Things from my childhood, my first marriage, I never dealt with it. I just buried it deep inside and pretended it didn’t exist, not loving myself, my wife, my family, enough to protect us all from the evils of me.

I was not the man I wanted my daughters to marry, I was not the man I wanted my sisters to marry, I was not the man I wanted my granddaughters to marry, yet this is the man I was to my wife. My wife, the greatest gift from God.

What causes a man to be so abusive to his loved ones? I look at my wife, my children and think I would likely Kill someone that harmed them and yet here I was Harming my wife, my children, my Grandchildren in unimaginable ways. What was I thinking, what will I say to God when I meet Him in Heaven and He asks how did I treat his Daughter, his special gift to me, how did I treat his other children, my children, his grandchildren, my grandchildren. I will be so ashamed; I could have done better, been better, way better. I know He will still Love me as I still love my children, grandchildren when they misbehave, I could have done better, I should have been better. I am ashamed for all the pain, unnecessary pain, I have caused to those I love and so many others.

I had a gift of a second chance given to me 2 years ago. My wife and family learned of my 9 year secret affair, as well as many other affairs, my character defects, my lack of morality, my no barriers in place mentality. I would not work on my inner defects at all, I only used my addictions to carry my burdens and excuse my behavior. I would not turn towards my wife, my special gift God gave to me to help me with my troubles, to hold me accountable to my behavior and to keep me an honorable man. Turned away from my family, those that matter the very most, I allowed myself to sink into the black hole of despair, refusing to ask for help. Instead I was abusing, using, blaming and hurting the very person that would have saved me.

I have been working hard on my character defects, trying to repair the monster holes I created in my Life. I am trying to become the man that God hoped I might be. I came from the innocence of childhood and acquired defects that affected all those around me. I had to work on me. I had to learn to turn back towards my wife, my family, God, getting my life whole, making amends for the wrongs I had done to all those I loved. The pain I have caused is deep and my shame is overwhelming. This is not the man I saw myself as being, but this is the man I am/was. My wife asked me when she found out about my pornography use, “What was the age of the youngest woman I had been with?” My wife knows that pornography is usually made using young girls who are lost and hurting, when I told her the youngest was 22 years old, she cried, “How could you use a child?” “Would you want your daughters used by a man in his 40’s or 50’s?” “22 years old, she is still a child.” I was horrified at myself, because I had never stopped to think about the age of my affair partners or the damage I created in their lives. My own daughters are older than my youngest affair partner. My wife was right, I would kill a man who harmed my daughters the way I harmed someone else’s daughter. My Shame is deep.

If I could let one man know, if I could spare his family the pain, devastation and shame I created in my own family, in my own life, I would yell, a heart felt scream, Stop, don’t do this, don’t hurt your precious wife, family or others. Don’t degrade yourself, don’t give up your integrity, your dignity, your self worth for something that will never fill that empty hole inside of you. Instead, turn towards your wife, trust in her, if she didn’t care about you or love you, she wouldn’t care what kind of man, person, human being you are, she is there because she loves you and she wants you to be the best man, person, human being you can be. Remember what it felt like to have your wife lay her head on your shoulder, how special it made you feel. When you fell down in life and she was there to help pick you up, loving you through it all. Where you are a safe place for her to share her feelings, her thoughts, her dreams and the pride you feel when you look in the mirror and see the man you know you are and want to be, a good, faithful, loving husband and father. I have learned through my own selfishness, the hardest lesson in life, A TRUE MAN IS DEFINED, NOT BY HIS JOB, NOT BY MATERIAL POSSESSIONS, BUT BY HOW HE TREATS HIS FAMILY, THE GREATEST GIFTS WE HAVE IS OUR WIFE AND CHILDREN, by the legacy we leave behind, that lives on through them.
I remember the feeling I got when my children crawled up into my lap and I wanted to protect them from everything that would harm them, protect them from anything evil, yet I was the most evil of all.

Addictions, now there is a word. Shame on us, any of us, to use the excuse of an addiction to harm someone else, shame on the purveyors of Addictions, Tobacco, Drugs, Alcohol, Sex and other’s. Shame on us for allowing other people, things, any foothold on our weaknesses, taking away our valuable time, our attention, diverting us, using us for their own ends. I wish I could have had the strength to have turned towards my wife, my life, setting the bar higher, not allowing another person, an obsession, an addiction to take my time and energy.

Please Men, Listen to what I have learned. Before you take that step, before you make a decision that will destroy your good name, your imprint on you and your family’s life, treat them the way you yourself would want to be treated.

Now that I have discovered my own character defects, I began doing the very things my wife had been begging me to do for years. I started going to counseling, my Pastor told me that some men spend their youth and most of their adult life turning away from their wives, while our wives have been reaching out to us for years, trying to bring us, their husbands, into a better, stronger, more loving relationship. After years of being turned away, we Men sometimes finally wake up to see what we have been missing, sometimes by than it is to late, our wives have grown tired of begging to know us, to be close to us and they begin to turn away, we have left them lonely and empty for so long they know longer trust or even want a relationship with us, now who is to blame for this, us men. Now that we have decided we want our family, our family has gotten use to us not being there and they don’t need or maybe want us anymore. And we wonder why?

I sought out my affair partner’s over my 18 year marriage to make me feel good about myself, using them and not caring one thing about their needs, only using them for my own ends, abusing daughters of God.

My behavior was affecting my wife in an emotional way and also erupted into a physical way as well. We all know what day to day stress can do to a person in just an everyday way, I can only imagine what my horrible attitude and behavior must have had on my wife, her well being. She started withdrawing, hurting inside, hurting outside, full of pain, despair, loneliness. I wish I could do it all over again. I would do it different. We all say that after the consequences of our actions bite us in the butt. Affairs never work out, statistics even back that up, and they are just wrong. There is nothing that anybody could use as an excuse to say that an affair is OK. There is nothing that our spouse could say or do that would make us have an affair, having an affair is strictly a character defect. There are just too many other things that can be done before you have an affair, like talking to your spouse about how you are feeling, go to counseling, get help, or end your marriage. Having an affair steals time away from you and your spouse, time that can never be replaced. As my wife says, “I get one chance at life and you just took 18 years of it away from me, Why?, if you didn’t love me, why didn’t you set me free to find someone who would?” She is right, but honestly, I didn’t want to set her free, because she filled other needs of mine, again selfish, self centered me. I can not change the past, but I can change my future. I have turned back towards my wife. I thank God everyday for her Grace in allowing me the opportunity to really learn what unconditional love is truly all about.
I want you to know how I was encouraged to change my future, accepted the depression of losing my behavior, opening my mind to accepting the love from my wife even though I did not accept her love at times. I am learning, slowly at times, what true love really is by my wife’s actions. Love is a choice not a physical feeling or moment by moment feeling. Love is an action, an everyday action, putting my wife first and foremost, over my needs, my employers’ needs, and worldly needs. Putting God above all else, loving me, my wife, and my family. Accepting my weaknesses, allowing myself to feel loved by being completely, open and honest about who I truly am.

I have learned that loving my wife, loving God, respecting my wife’s boundaries and that holding me accountable is an act of love. I have accepted that I was wrong. I was 120% responsible for my actions, my choices, my decisions. I have tried to be understanding and accept my wife’s soul anger, her words, she has paid the price of my choices way too long. I have tried to not be defensive as I have no defense. I have no Moral Template that would stand up under scrutiny, under observation. There is no accepting my behavior, nothing should have allowed me to abuse my wife this way, taking away her freedom, stealing her love and not giving back anything in return.

To remain in my wives life, she has set many boundaries, but the most important is that I get and remain healthy. I attend counseling twice monthly, I go to group twice weekly, my words and behavior must stand side by side. I must be honest and open with everything in my life. I must be accountable to my time and whereabouts. My wife loves me and wants me to be the best I can be and that is true love. One thing I know, my wife will set me free to be anyone I want to be, if my old behavior is what I want to define me, she will open the door and wish me well, but to remain in her life, in the life of my children, I will have to bring positive, good qualities into their life’s. Truthfully, she is asking so little of me, “BE A GOOD MAN, A MAN OF HONOR,” which is what I should have always been. In return for being the man she requires, I receive the greatest gift, blessing of all, a great life, a wonderful wife and a loving family. It has been right in front of me the whole time, everything I always wanted and needed, I just didn’t know how to appreciate and accept it.

I never saw myself as changing or even needing to change. Working on myself, my character was something I never thought I would do. Now, I wish I would have worked on my life, my entire life. I never believed in God, my wife has always had God in her life, I use to laugh at her belief but now I embrace it. I know there is truly a God and that He has forgiven me for all the bad things I have done. Its forgiving myself that I have the hardest time with. How can I ever forgive myself for all the pain and heartache I caused my wife and family? How can I ever forgive myself for the damage I have done to so many others. My wife says that forgiving ourselves for our failures is a life time journey, I believe she is right.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a wife that is giving me a chance for reform, to become a better man. This is a true act of Unconditional Love. As long as I stay on the path I am on today she will stand beside me and support me, she encourages me everyday to be the man I want to be, the man I wish I would have always been. Yes, she still gets angry once in a while, how can I really blame her, I would be very angry to, if it were reversed. In fact, I believe I would not be as strong as my wife, I don’t know if my wife would have done and said the things I did, that I could forgive and love her through it. She is truly an amazing woman. Don’t get me wrong, I know if my wife even suspects I have gone back to my old ways, she will leave me, this is not a threat from her, it is a promise and my wife is a woman of her word. The price of what I would lose for a momentary ego boost is to high a price. I only wish someone would have told me what I am telling you. TURN TOWARDS YOUR WIFE, LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY, MAKE HER PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE AND EVERY NEED, EVERY DESIRE YOU HAVE WILL BE MET, I PROMISE YOU THIS. DON’T LIVE IN DECEIT AND DARKNESS, LIVE YOUR BEST AND FULLEST LIFE, IN HONESTY, BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE. DEFINE YOUR LIFE BY LOVING YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY. BE THE MAN THAT GOD INTENDED YOU TO BE, THE MAN I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE.

I feel so much better now that I am walking free of my lies and secrets. I feel this weight gone from my shoulders, the black ooze lifted away, working on my marriage is empowering, uplifting, wholesome. I am so encouraged to work on my life, my marriage.

My marriage was truly the last thing I wanted to work on, in my mind I had made my wife my enemy, my roommate, believing that if she ever discovered my behavior I would end our marriage, I had myself convinced that I had never loved her, she was a mistake, that I had married the wrong woman, she wasn’t the woman I thought her to be. I was wrong, it was me, I wasn’t the man I thought I was, I had married the right woman and I created the barriers between us and now I have to remove them. She was not my enemy, but I certainly was hers. It has been two years now since my wife discovered who the man was she really married. It has been a very long hard journey the past two years, at times so hard I even thought of giving up but when I look at my wife now, I am overcome by the love and admiration I have for her. What a gift God gave me, my beautiful wife.

TO BE TRULY LOVED, YOU MUST BE TRULY KNOWN

God Bless You and I hope you realize that I think the hard work is worth it, because I think I am worth it, my wife and my family is worth it. My brother, you are worth it. LOVE THE GREATEST GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE HERE ON EARTH, YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY.



Wayne

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

LETTER TO A WIFE IN PAIN

I wanted to share an email I wrote to a wife whose life has been ripped apart from an affair that her husband is still involved in. If you have any help you can offer her, please post a comment, she reads my blog daily. Lets reach out our hands and hearts to her and help her regain her strength and move forward in her life to a positive place of healing.
God Bless You all for your wisdom and compassion for others, who are suffering the pain we all know can at times be excruciating.
God Bless you all for your caring hearts.
Kate

Good Morning Judy

I am so sorry to hear that your husband is having such a hard time. I would like to ask you one question, do you deserve this?
Can you remove all your emotions out of this for one second and look straight at the facts. What are the facts? Your husband is an alcoholic, he is messed up, physically, spiritually and it goes right into his soul. He has had and is still having an affair on you. He is hurting you and your daughter, continually. He has made NO attempt to better his life and he is taking your life down the same road his is on. Other than the house payment, it sounds like to me, you carry all the responsibility to your relationship and lifestyle. If you had never met this man, you were just meeting him for the first time today, would you invest your life in his. Knowing all of this about him, would you still want him in your life? How about the life of your daughter? The man that she calls Dad, is the type of man she will look for one day in her own husband, is this the kind of man you want your daughter to marry?
If you could remove your feelings and just look at the facts, what do you see?

I am not saying, in any way that your husband does not have good qualities. I am quiet sure he does. The sad thing is I don't think he believes he does. He lives in his self pity and he has you to give him the empathy to remain there. He drinks reality away, because he doesn't want to face it, its to hard for him. At least that's the excuse he gives himself. Judy you give him that excuse to. Step back, take a look at all the facts, without your emotions.

What is love to you, Judy? Do you love him enough to set him free? Do you love yourself enough to set yourself free? I am not talking about divorce, I am talking about getting your life back. You can do that without getting a divorce. All you have to do is set your boundaries and what the accountability to crossing those boundaries will be and start living by them.

Before my discovery, I tolerated my husband treating me disrespectfully. I tolerated his lack of emotional support, I tolerated him not being responsible with finances, I tolerated, I tolerated, I tolerated, I excused, I excused, I excused, I justified, I justified, and I justified. NOT ANYMORE !!!! I tolerated, excused and justified, because of my own fears, my own insecurities, my own issues. I once said to my husband, "IF YOUR NOT WORTH YOU GETTING HEALTHY FOR YOU, IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT TO GET YOUR OWN HELP AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE, WHY SHOULD I INVEST ONE MORE MINUTE, HOUR, DAY OF MY LIFE INTO YOU, IF YOU WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE, YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING THE EXCRUCIATING HARD WORK TO BETTER YOUR OWN." I stopped all my justifications, my excuses as to why he behaved the way he did and I stopped tolerating his treatment of me. I started to love myself again and I loved him enough to stop being a co-dependent and start being an independent human that would hold him responsible to his own healthy life.

One thing I know for sure, we learn are best lessons in life during our most painful times.

If you truly love your husband, stop justifying, excusing and tolerating his bad choices and behavior and start making him accountable to how he treats you, his daughter and himself. His so called girlfriend won't do this for him, there is NO way she loves him this much or is that unselfish.

Trust me, there is no winner between you and his girlfriend. No matter who your husband chooses to be with, neither one of you win. The only way to win in this kind of mess, is to win your own life back, to win your health, your spirit and your soul. When you start regaining you again, you win, you win your happiness, you win your security, your integrity and everything else you lost during all of this and through all this your daughter wins to.

Throw away your reasons, don't focus on your husband or your marriage, start gaining new reasons to focus on making your life better and let your husband NO what he needs to do to be apart of your life, set your boundaries and accountability to crossing them. If you truly love your husband, most importantly if you love yourself, you'll start doing this for your family.

Go to my blog and click on Harbouring Hope, they have a new video there on Intrusive thoughts and how to over come them. Its free.

God Bless YOU
Kate

Saturday, November 8, 2008

HELPFUL LINKS

I want to take a moment and thank all of you that are reading and following my blog. I apologize on my long winded posts. I get on a thought process as to where my life has been, where its going and how I am getting there and at times don't know where to shut it off.

Please check out the Helpful Links, there is so much information there from others who have been through this train wreck. My husband and I took the Affair Recovery 911 online course and I can not tell you how much it helped us. Before you begin that course, they have you sign an agreement that you won't split up during the program which is about 12 weeks, signing that agreement saved our marriage numerous times.

I so highly recommend taking any of Affair Recovery or Harboring Hope courses. I can tell you this from personal experience. THEY ARE SO WORTH IT.

For members of my blog, there will be some special offers given. So if you are interested in taking a course, please let me know. I might be able to get you a discount, maybe even for free.

I know that allot of you are already seeing a counselor, so if you are wondering what the difference is between your counselor and those at the Affair Recovery Center or Harboring Hope, please go read their bio's. They have been right where you are. They know exactly how it feels and how destructive it is to be betrayed.

I know that some of you have different beliefs. Affair Recovery and Harbouring Hope, speak allot on the power of God. God is their Higher Power. They do not shove God down your throat, they are not here to convert you into their belief system either, they just know, we can not walk this painful path alone, they want to help everyone, not just those who believe in God.

So please keep this in mind while you are reading or listening to their material.
My own belief system is faithfully in God.

If you have not already done so, please go listen to the Affair Recovery Radio Archives, they have some really great information there. I think you can listen to a few without joining their site. To me $29 a month is worth every cent to get the help I have received.

I have been all over the Internet for the past two years and no where have I found the kind of personal help and attention that I have gotten with Affair Recovery. I know this sounds like an ad, I don't mean it to sound that way, but I want everyone to benefit and move beyond the pain. I know, I know I would not be where I am today without the help of these wonderful people.

The Affair Recovery and Harboring Hope staff, Rick, Leslie, John, Wayne and Karen will be following my blog, if they see a comment posted from you, one of them could respond back with some very helpful information. So Please, post a comment, ask a question, anything you are struggling with or need.

I created my blog for those who truly want to move forward. Out of the anger, resentment, pain and confusion and back to a healthy life. Whether you are staying in your marriage or planning to walk alone, Affair Recovery, Harboring Hope and myself are here to help you in anyway we can on your journey to a better life.

Bless You All
Kate

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

WHERE SHOULD WE FOCUS

Why is it that we focus so much of our very being, on our spouse?

I believe that when we give someone else to much space in our mind, they control us.

Think about this for one moment, who do you focus on the most? Why?

Don't you believe you are worth more space in your own mind, than someone else? Why is it, that you are willing to give your spouse all this valuable space, without getting the same space from them in return? Do you believe you deserve equal space?

When someone gets this much space, or thought, from us, they begin to take our very being, our spirit and possibly our soul, away from us. We start handing it over to them, even when they don't ask for it or even want it. We give it when we don't even realize we're doing it. Why do you suppose we do this? Is it so we don't have to focus on our self? When we do this, who we really are, we aren't anymore. We have become to much about them. Who are we now?

Why is it, that we are more afraid of losing someone else, than we are about losing our own life. The death of our very own uniqueness of being. Our spirit, our soul.

That is what I did, I handed over my life to my husband and didn't look back. I left myself wide open to be devastated, to be hurt to my core and he hurt me, yes he did, he set a nuclear bomb off in my life, leaving me torn and bleeding, with pieces of my heart and soul scattered.

What was he doing with my life in the first place. He didn't ask me to give it to him. All he required was my word, that I would honor him, be faithful to him, be there through sickness and health, through richer or poorer. No where were the words spoken,"Give me your life, all of it, let me take total responsibility for your life." No, those words were never spoken, but that is exactly what I did. I kept my vows, my promise, my word. Why didn't I keep my life?

When I first married my husband, I had a full life. I had lots of friends. I was very active with my family, I loved the outdoors, I was always on the go. I was fun loving, easy going, happy, I loved to laugh, that soul laugh, I loved to cry, even for no reason at all, I thoroughly enjoyed life, of course, like everyone, I had my issues, but truly deep down in my being, I just loved being alive. Why, would I allow someone to control me, take so much space away from me? Especially, someone who says they love me, but does nothing to enhance my life. Why would I allow their words to affect my choices, while their actions spoke so differently. It changed me. It harden my heart, it smashed my spirit and it corrupted my soul. This is not love. True love enhances the other person, it takes the great qualities of someone and makes them greater. Love doesn't destroy. Why than did I allow my husband to abuse and destroy so much of me, my life?

Do you remember that feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you just couldn't wait to be with them, talk to them, when your thoughts of them were positive and wonderful, when you felt like you were the most important person in the world to them and they to you. Sitting up until late in the morning just to talk. Yet it didn't interfere with who you were as a person, it enhanced who you were. (Rick Reynolds with the Affair Recovery Center, did a radio show on this very thing called "Limerance", it should be in the radio archives, go listen to it.)

I married my husband and slowly, over time, I started letting go of friends, stopped doing things I liked doing, I quit spending money on my wants and needs, etc. Instead, I started focusing on my husband, my marriage. I put aside my needs, wants, dreams and desires. Every decision I had to make in my own life, I made based strictly on my marriage, my husband and our future. My husbands life became more important to me, than my own. In fact everything became more important, husband, kids, work, house, yard, laundry, bills, friends, I had no time to worry about my life.

WHEN I TOOK MY EYES OFF OF ME, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:

My husband was so busy and his job so stressful, that I took it upon myself, to accept, excuse and justify his behavior towards me, our marriage and our future.

I never held my husband accountable to his behavior in my life. Yet, I let him dominate my thoughts, my actions and my choices.

I believed I was kind, loving, understanding, forgiving, etc. (Inside, I was angry and resentful)

I spoke up, read the Letter To My Husband, 1999, I wrote, spoke, begged, bargained, pleaded, loved, forgave, yelled, screamed, on and on. Yet I accepted so little. Like his answer to my letter. "Now what, no I haven't cheated, I wouldn't do that. Yes, I love you, I'm just so busy at work and I am tired, all you want to do is talk, talk, talk." I shut up.

My gut screamed at me that something was wrong. 18 long years of gut pain. All I could hear was my husbands words. "I Love You."

Finances were missing. I would question, he would respond, I would believe and the cycle would begin again. When I quit working, by mutual agreement, I quit spending. He spent more.

Emotional support, absolutely non existence from my husband. I excused it. He was so busy. He had work pressures, so much stress.

I needed to just be held. He groped, whined and turned away.

Love Making, was empty. I was left feeling used and lonely. (I hated it)

In 1998, I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband was no where to be found. He never had time to take me to a Doctors appointment or Chemo. He was to busy. I went alone and than went to work, after work I went home to make dinner, do laundry, whatever needed to be done.
One night my husband walked into our room and found me crying. I was scared of dying. I was told to "Stop Being So Over Dramatic and Get A Life." I never shed another tear in front of my husband until November 25th, 2006. Discovery day.

IF I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON ME, ALL THE ABOVE WOULD HAVE HAPPENED DIFFERENTLY.

My husband should have stood accountable to his treatment of me and his behavior in our marriage. Most importantly, my life does matter. If it didn't matter to him, it should have mattered to me. Excusing, justifying and tolerating someone else's bad behavior, is not LOVE. In fact, its the opposite. When we truly love someone we want them to live their best life.

Never again, will I waste precious space in my mind. I will, (Hear me, I WILL) get my Life to a healthy place, where peace fills my mind and joy fills my soul. Where the Victories in my Life are Mine and the Losses, my Losses. Where I learn with each heart break, that I am strong, beautiful and a woman that I am proud of. Knowing as I walk forward out of this darkness that I have emerged the winner. I WON ME. Winning me back, means all those I love so dearly so honestly will be winners to, because they will have me back, fully capable of loving them unconditionally and freely.

I pray that each of us on this journey, relearn how to put our eyes back on ourself, giving us the space in our own minds, the wisdom to persevere, refocus on who we are. Keeping our eyes fixated on our very being, spirit and soul.

Lets take this nuclear bomb blast of infidelity and turn it into our greatest personal Victory ever. Get the space in your mind back. Focus on you.

God Bless Your Family and May God Bless You with a Fully Healthy Heart, Spirit and Soul.
Kate

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Letter to my husband in 1999

Wayne,

I couldn't lay in bed anymore, it's 11:15 pm. I've been trying to figure out how to make you understand how I feel. I can't, it has finally really dawned on me that I can't. I even know why, because it's not important enough to you to understand.

You should be my best friend, but that takes listening, understanding, loyalty, honesty, commitment, responsibility to feelings and trust, but most of all respect. These are things you do not have with me.

  1. You do not hear the things I say, even when and most importantly, it comes from my heart.
  2. You can't understand because you always have the answers even when there are no questions.
  3. Loyalty, is not just faithfulness, it also means making someone feel important, making them matter in your life.
  4. Honesty, mean's NO secrets, and I know you have them, they keep a wall between us.
  5. Commitment, Now there is a word which means to make it work, no matter what, what it may take, you don't have that with me because I have to be number one on your priority list and for 11 years, I've been telling you this, but I'm not a priority to you. Where's you commitment?
  6. Feelings, the responsibility that goes with it. You take no responsibility for the things you say and do, that hurt me, it always ends up my fault. If you were to say or do something that upset a friend you would be on bended knee apologizing, you'd feel bad, it's just not that way with me, you don't treat me that way at all. No if you say or do something that hurts me, it becomes my fault, you take NO responsibility for my feelings at all and the way you treat them.
  7. Trust, well it is more than just telling the truth, its trusting someone with your life, your feelings, your dreams, your secrets. This is not something I have with you. I have tried trusting you, but you let me down, time and time again. Why? When I have been sick, really sick, you will leave me alone, I have to call and beg you for help, than when you do come to help you want me to treat you like a hero, problem is I shouldn't have to ask, just like you never have to ask, I am just there. Even my birthday or anniversary, lets just say holidays in general, it is always up to me, never a surprise from you, nothing special from your heart. There is never anything special from you to me. Not even a little thing made special. Why?
  8. RESPECT: Here's a big word. Now name one thing you respect about me? Tell me one time where you've shown it to me? When you treat me like I am stupid and 3 years old, where I have no experience in life and you have to teach me everything, because why I say has no value. Not only does that show lack of respect, it does allot of damage to my self respect. What I really don't understand is if that is truly how you feel about me, why is it than that when we get into a jam or problems arise, you expect me to just solve it, take care of it, you run and I'm left cleaning up the mess, that you create about 80% of the time. Do you get at all what I am saying?

I have had to fight a lot of battles alone, believe it or not most likely more than you have ever faced, in my 42 years. I have done things that you will never do, I pray. I had a life before you, I know I could do fine without you, but I did not get married almost 11 years ago just so I could get divorced, when life got hard, I expected a partner, a companion, a helpmate. We have been through allot of bumpy roads together, every time we got through one, I was the one changing, somehow it always became my fault, I even accepted it.

It's unbelievable to me that you tell me "You see a pretty woman and you picture her naked, guess what? It's my fault. Lucky me. Please tell me, just how do I make you do that. I am your wife, I know I am beautiful, yet you aren't proud of the woman who carries your last name and it's my fault?

When I asked you to take a lie detector test so that I could put my suspicions behind me, you refused, why? Oh that's right you have secrets, but there not about having an affair. How silly of me that I should think you are trustworthy, as there should be NO secrets between us. I have opened my life to you completely, why haven't you with me?

You get caught leaving a woman's motel room at 5:30 to 6:00 am, by a friend of mine, but you were only there getting her to sign work papers. You couldn't wait for her to get to work at 7:30am, because they had to be in the office when it opened at 8:00, Lie's Wayne, Lie's. You told me you'd never taken her to breakfast, lunch or dinner. When I spoke with her she said something quite different. I believe you wanted to sleep with her, maybe you even did, but one thing I know, you wanted to. This happened only 6 months into our marriage.

It's time for honesty. I know deep in my heart you have not been faithful to me. My gut feelings are hardly ever wrong and why I am choosing to listen to you instead of myself is strictly based on faith, faith in you, most likely unwarranted. I know there are things that need to be told, until they are I will never have peace. Please, Please, Please come clean and let me heal, one way or the other.

Property, money, belongings are all material things to me, they hold no value in my heart. If you think that you have given me everything, please go back and read 1 thru 8 of this letter. There is nothing more important to me than our marriage, it's time to put it on the line. I want more, I want honesty, I want trust, I want respect, I want to feel safe with you, there is only one way to get it and that is from you. It's all up to you. If you can't give me these things, than we have nothing, we are nothing more that roommates. I don't want to be your roommate, I want to be your wife in every sense of the word. I love you.

This is how I feel, these are the things I struggle with in our relationship, please, I beg of you, I need answers. We can start clean but I need honesty. If I am important at all to you, take time, make time, put me first and be honest with me.

All of these issues have been eating me up for years and it has changed who I am as a person. I am not afraid of your answers, I just need them so badly. Please!

I love you, even if we are not meant to be together, I will always love you. I wouldn't be here in this marriage and I wouldn't be writing this letter if I didn't care about you or us, if I didn't love you. I just can't live this way anymore. I try everyday, but to many things, thoughts come back and they push me away from you, I don't want to be at this distance, I want to be a part of you, you are the only one who can make this happen.

I have to face all of this and get rid of it once and for all and either start our life over, or say good bye. You are the only one who can help me with this. I am on bended knee, asking you to stop saying what you think I want to hear and start speaking the truth, I need it so desperately.

If you ever loved me, if our marriage ever meant anything to you, talk to me, openly, honestly and please do it soon.

I Love You Unconditionally, believe this.

Kate - Your Wife