IF YOUR HUSBAND IS STRUGGLING WITH PORN ADDICTION, IF YOU ARE WONDERING HOW WOMEN CAN WORK IN THAT INDUSTRY, IF YOU ARE TRYING OR WONDERING HOW TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO UNDERSTAND HOW PORN IS FAKE, HURTFUL AND KILLS, GO TO THE SHELLEY LUBBEN WEB SITE. SHE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL MESSAGE OF THIS HORRIBLE INDUSTRY.
SHELLY LUBBEN IS A RECOVERING PORN ACTRESS AND PROSITUTE. SHE HAS A POWERFUL MESSAGE OF THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS SEX INDUSTRY. HER STRENGTH AND WISDOM IS SO FAR REACHING IN THIS INDUSTRY THAT HER MINISTRY IS A MUST TO SEE AND HEAR. GOD HAS GIVEN HER THE GIFT OF COURAGE. I CAN NOT IMAGINE HOW HARD IT HAD TO BE FOR HER TO STAND UP AND ADMIT TO THE THINGS SHE HAD CHOOSEN TO DO WITH HER LIFE.
SHE HAS THE MOST INSIGHTFUL, POWERFUL, LIFE CHANGING MESSAGE.
IF YOU CAN, HAVE YOUR HUSBAND WATCH THIS WITH YOU. IF HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT DAMAGE HE DOES WHEN HE VIEWS PORN, HE MOST CERTAINLY WILL AFTER HEARING HER MESSAGE OF THE ABUSE AND LIES BEHIND THE CAMERAS THAT ARE FILMING THESE ADULT MOVIES.
I THINK ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING THINGS SHE TELLS IS THAT THE HIGHEST VIEWING NUMBERS ARE THOSE BETWEEN 12 AND 17.
HER WEB SITE IS:
www.shelleylubben.com
THAN GO TO THE LEFT SIDE AND CLICK ON (THE TURTH) GO TO HER VIDEO THAT SAYS, "SHELLEY AMAZING STORY"
SHELLEY ALSO HAS A MY SPACE SITE, WHERE SHE HAS MANY OTHER VIDEOS AND EVERY ONE OF THEM IS AMAZINGLY TRUE.
IF YOU TRULY WANT YOUR SPOUSE TO GET WHAT THE PORN INDUSTRY REALLY IS, TAKE THEM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH SHELLEY. IF THEY DO NOT GET IT AFTER HEARING THIS IT WOULD ABSOLUTELY AMAZE ME.
GOD BLESS:
KATE
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
BOOK OF LIFE
Have you ever looked at life like a book? We are all born with a front and back cover. We are even born with the title to our book, once our parents give us our name, it is embossed on the front cover. It becomes our very own BOOK OF LIFE.
Most of us have already written many chapters. In some of our chapters we have written in many life changing mistakes but we have also written in many wonderful life changing victories. With each chapter we hopefully have grown. In some of our chapters we may have made the same mistakes multiple times, maybe to a different degree, such as it might have been worse the first time we made it, than it was the second or third time, it might have even been worse the second or third time. Even if we have made the same mistakes over, we still have learned something about ourselves. Maybe we found out we do not learn good enough or fast enough, or maybe we learned we got stronger every time we have made the same mistake and we start noticing the warning signs earlier, to stop us from repeating it again. It truly is not important what the mistakes are or even how often we have repeated them. The most important issue is that we recognize we have made mistakes, we accept responsibility and take accountability for them, this is where our pages start to change from mistakes to victories, where true change begins in our life and new pages are being written. I have made many mistakes going through this journey. Who really knows, I mean truly knows, how to write this kind of chapter. The chapter titled: A Spouses Ultimate Betrayal.
All of us going through this, will be writing our own pages to the next chapter of our Book. Some of us will not make as many mistakes as others will, we may repeat mistakes over and over, while others will not. Some will make a decision based on their emotions of the moment, others will wait to see how time does at healing the wounds. Some will put blinders on and pretend it did not happen, while others will take theirs off for the first time in years. Others may forgive immediately or over time, while others may never forgive. Words, from anger, pain, resentment, even from love, will be spoken, or they may never be spoken and possibly regretted later. The pages to each of our chapters, are ours to write and we must live with each page, once we write it, it can not be rewritten. We can most certainly change and write our pages to the next chapter differently, but the ones we have already written can not be deleted, erased, removed or redone as they are now a page in a chapter of our Book of Life.
Books are usually written with a subject matter. Whether it is fiction or non fiction, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. The author usually gets to pick what he/she wants their characters to go through. Most of the time there is a hero and a villian with other characters mixed into the plot, the author can take them anywhere he wants them to go, have whatever personality he wants them to have, make them rich or poor, strong or weak. The characters of a book do not get to decide what happens to them, where they go or even what they do, the author has free rein over them. Some books are so good, you just can not put them down until you have finished the whole story, while others are so boring that reading one chapter puts you to sleep. There are those that get you so caught up that you start to fantasize that you are the hero in the story line. When you have finally finished reading the book you will have decided whether it was worth reading or a waste of time. When asked, you will tell others what you thought about the book, "it was great, the best book I have read in years,", "it was a tear jerker and I cried the whole way through", "it was the most boring, puts you to sleep book ever written," or maybe just a simple, "it was okay, but I would not read it again." It is always up to the reader if the author of the book was good or not and it is the reader who determines if the author's book will make money or be on the Best Sellers list.
________________________________________________
Every minute of every day, you are writing a page in a chapter of your Book and on some of those pages will be lifes you have touched along the way. (How would, or will your Book read when these questions are asked?)
How did I conduct myself when others mistreated me, did I handle it with dignity and Grace?
When I made mistakes, did I take responsibility for them, did I learn and grow?
When life beat me down, did I stay down or get up, did I continue on with myself respect and self value in tact, or did I throw it out the window and hurt others with gossip and back stabbing to feel better, "I'll do unto you, what you did unto me" mentality?
Did I live to the best of my ability, using a moral compass to guide me, or did I have the careless, it's my life and I will do what I want regardless of who it might hurt, attitude?
Did I share and give thanks for my victories? Did I appreciate those who helped me acheive my successes?
Did I honor my word? Keep my promises or did I just not care?
Did I build up or tear down someone else's life? Was I a positive or negitative influence in the lifes of others?
Did I work hard to bringing peace and joy, or just cause conflict in the lives of those I love, work with, or met in the World?
___________________________________________
How are you writing your Book? What will the readers remember about it when it is finished? Will your Book be a Top Seller? One where others will say:
"That was the Best Book, I want to write one just like that, it left me feel like I can do anything".
"Yes the Book was full of mistakes but their victories completely outshined their mistakes, it left me feeling like I might make some wrong choices but there is hope for me, I can redeem myself by making better ones."
"That was the absolute worst Book I have ever read, do not buy it, you will be filled with anger and hatred at the end."
____________________________________________
We get to write our own Book, we get to choose what goes on our pages and how the chapters will read. Remember our Book of Life, does not have an edit button, we do not have the rewrite option, once the WORDS ARE SPOKEN, ACTIONS DONE, THOUGHTS ARE PROCESSED and CHOICES ARE MADE, it is forever written on a page in a chapter of your Book.
Unlike the author of a book we buy or read in a Library, who gets to design the cover of their book and decides what is going to happen with the story, the characters of his book have no choice, they are what he makes them, than the author has the ability to edit the pages and rewrite a paragraph if they do not like how it reads, we do not get that luxury. We do not know what will happen in our life. We do not know what is coming, good or bad. The only thing we get is the choice on how we handle whatever it is that comes our way and that is what makes up the pages, in the chapters of our Book of Life.
I believe that God designed our covers, He knows our ending and He knew our story before we even wrote it. God is the designer of our Book and we are the author. We get to write our own story. Sometimes our story lines are not by our choosing, but we get to chose how it will be written. God gave us a magnificent and powerful gift, the honor of making our own choices.
When we give our lives to Chirst, He should be the author of our Book, I think of all the pain and suffering I could have spared myself had I of just let God be the complete author of my Book, but I am just a human being and I always have hung on to parts of my own story line and it has been through those times that I have made my greatest mistakes and pages were written with great regret. Christ knew I was going to do this and that is why is sent His Son to die for us. Although God forgives us for those pages, (sins), it is in forgiving ourselves, that I beleive, we write our most painful pages. Since we can not forgive ourself we unfortunately make the mistake again and another page is written. Everyone's Book will have mistakes, bad decisions, poor choices, but it is those who can forgive themself and move on to better decisions and choices that will start writing new pages filled with a more positive story line.
Tomorrow, when you first wake up in the morning, think about the fact that you can start to write a whole new page and possibly a new chapter to your Book of Life. The past is already written, its over and the pages are full. How do you want to start this fresh new page? How do you want the rest of your Book to read? What do you want your readers to say when your Book is finished? It is your Book, it is your choice what you write.
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE PAGES AND CHAPTERS OF YOUR LIFE TO SAY WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR BOOK?
Most of us have already written many chapters. In some of our chapters we have written in many life changing mistakes but we have also written in many wonderful life changing victories. With each chapter we hopefully have grown. In some of our chapters we may have made the same mistakes multiple times, maybe to a different degree, such as it might have been worse the first time we made it, than it was the second or third time, it might have even been worse the second or third time. Even if we have made the same mistakes over, we still have learned something about ourselves. Maybe we found out we do not learn good enough or fast enough, or maybe we learned we got stronger every time we have made the same mistake and we start noticing the warning signs earlier, to stop us from repeating it again. It truly is not important what the mistakes are or even how often we have repeated them. The most important issue is that we recognize we have made mistakes, we accept responsibility and take accountability for them, this is where our pages start to change from mistakes to victories, where true change begins in our life and new pages are being written. I have made many mistakes going through this journey. Who really knows, I mean truly knows, how to write this kind of chapter. The chapter titled: A Spouses Ultimate Betrayal.
All of us going through this, will be writing our own pages to the next chapter of our Book. Some of us will not make as many mistakes as others will, we may repeat mistakes over and over, while others will not. Some will make a decision based on their emotions of the moment, others will wait to see how time does at healing the wounds. Some will put blinders on and pretend it did not happen, while others will take theirs off for the first time in years. Others may forgive immediately or over time, while others may never forgive. Words, from anger, pain, resentment, even from love, will be spoken, or they may never be spoken and possibly regretted later. The pages to each of our chapters, are ours to write and we must live with each page, once we write it, it can not be rewritten. We can most certainly change and write our pages to the next chapter differently, but the ones we have already written can not be deleted, erased, removed or redone as they are now a page in a chapter of our Book of Life.
Books are usually written with a subject matter. Whether it is fiction or non fiction, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. The author usually gets to pick what he/she wants their characters to go through. Most of the time there is a hero and a villian with other characters mixed into the plot, the author can take them anywhere he wants them to go, have whatever personality he wants them to have, make them rich or poor, strong or weak. The characters of a book do not get to decide what happens to them, where they go or even what they do, the author has free rein over them. Some books are so good, you just can not put them down until you have finished the whole story, while others are so boring that reading one chapter puts you to sleep. There are those that get you so caught up that you start to fantasize that you are the hero in the story line. When you have finally finished reading the book you will have decided whether it was worth reading or a waste of time. When asked, you will tell others what you thought about the book, "it was great, the best book I have read in years,", "it was a tear jerker and I cried the whole way through", "it was the most boring, puts you to sleep book ever written," or maybe just a simple, "it was okay, but I would not read it again." It is always up to the reader if the author of the book was good or not and it is the reader who determines if the author's book will make money or be on the Best Sellers list.
________________________________________________
Every minute of every day, you are writing a page in a chapter of your Book and on some of those pages will be lifes you have touched along the way. (How would, or will your Book read when these questions are asked?)
How did I conduct myself when others mistreated me, did I handle it with dignity and Grace?
When I made mistakes, did I take responsibility for them, did I learn and grow?
When life beat me down, did I stay down or get up, did I continue on with myself respect and self value in tact, or did I throw it out the window and hurt others with gossip and back stabbing to feel better, "I'll do unto you, what you did unto me" mentality?
Did I live to the best of my ability, using a moral compass to guide me, or did I have the careless, it's my life and I will do what I want regardless of who it might hurt, attitude?
Did I share and give thanks for my victories? Did I appreciate those who helped me acheive my successes?
Did I honor my word? Keep my promises or did I just not care?
Did I build up or tear down someone else's life? Was I a positive or negitative influence in the lifes of others?
Did I work hard to bringing peace and joy, or just cause conflict in the lives of those I love, work with, or met in the World?
___________________________________________
How are you writing your Book? What will the readers remember about it when it is finished? Will your Book be a Top Seller? One where others will say:
"That was the Best Book, I want to write one just like that, it left me feel like I can do anything".
"Yes the Book was full of mistakes but their victories completely outshined their mistakes, it left me feeling like I might make some wrong choices but there is hope for me, I can redeem myself by making better ones."
"That was the absolute worst Book I have ever read, do not buy it, you will be filled with anger and hatred at the end."
____________________________________________
We get to write our own Book, we get to choose what goes on our pages and how the chapters will read. Remember our Book of Life, does not have an edit button, we do not have the rewrite option, once the WORDS ARE SPOKEN, ACTIONS DONE, THOUGHTS ARE PROCESSED and CHOICES ARE MADE, it is forever written on a page in a chapter of your Book.
Unlike the author of a book we buy or read in a Library, who gets to design the cover of their book and decides what is going to happen with the story, the characters of his book have no choice, they are what he makes them, than the author has the ability to edit the pages and rewrite a paragraph if they do not like how it reads, we do not get that luxury. We do not know what will happen in our life. We do not know what is coming, good or bad. The only thing we get is the choice on how we handle whatever it is that comes our way and that is what makes up the pages, in the chapters of our Book of Life.
I believe that God designed our covers, He knows our ending and He knew our story before we even wrote it. God is the designer of our Book and we are the author. We get to write our own story. Sometimes our story lines are not by our choosing, but we get to chose how it will be written. God gave us a magnificent and powerful gift, the honor of making our own choices.
When we give our lives to Chirst, He should be the author of our Book, I think of all the pain and suffering I could have spared myself had I of just let God be the complete author of my Book, but I am just a human being and I always have hung on to parts of my own story line and it has been through those times that I have made my greatest mistakes and pages were written with great regret. Christ knew I was going to do this and that is why is sent His Son to die for us. Although God forgives us for those pages, (sins), it is in forgiving ourselves, that I beleive, we write our most painful pages. Since we can not forgive ourself we unfortunately make the mistake again and another page is written. Everyone's Book will have mistakes, bad decisions, poor choices, but it is those who can forgive themself and move on to better decisions and choices that will start writing new pages filled with a more positive story line.
Tomorrow, when you first wake up in the morning, think about the fact that you can start to write a whole new page and possibly a new chapter to your Book of Life. The past is already written, its over and the pages are full. How do you want to start this fresh new page? How do you want the rest of your Book to read? What do you want your readers to say when your Book is finished? It is your Book, it is your choice what you write.
WHAT DO YOU WANT THE PAGES AND CHAPTERS OF YOUR LIFE TO SAY WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR BOOK?
Monday, June 8, 2009
NEVER STOP TALKING
"I think we should just get a divorce", " I could not agree more". These are words that are going on in marriages everyday all over the World. I have two very good friends who are going through this, after 23 and 13 years of marriage. I would give anything to have the opportunity that both of these couples have to fix their marriages. See, their marriages do not have the damage mine does. They are divorcing because they just do not want to do the work involved to save their relationships and families. "It's his fault", "It's her fault", is all I hear.
I think of those of us who are trying to save our marriages after the absolute worst damage has been done. The struggles we deal with on a daily basis, the pain we face every minute, the fears we feel, especially the fear of, "Will they do this to me again?" My Pastor/Counselor told me, not that long ago, that it is not a matter of "IF, but WHEN". That is scary and the thought never leaves my mind. So I put it in God's hands and let it go. One thing I know, if he does it again, I will know and I will go. If my Pastor is right, than I have to ask myself if I am wasting my time trying to salvage a marriage that is already gone. The only thing that keeps me here, still fighting every day for my family, is this time I am aware of the man that is in my life, I know what he is truly capable of, this time I have boundaries set so high he could never jump them and the accountibility is, in one word, "GONE", I'm GONE, no looking back a second time. Now, if I say it, I'll do it, no more maybe's, no more ignoring, no more looking the other way, no more shuting up. This time I am wide awake and willing to move on. The greatest damage there is to marriage has happened, over and over in mine, yet every day I face it. While so many marriage, with so little damage are ending up in the divorce court. WHY? I believe I have found the answer to my question:
I heard the most powerful message on: http://www.puresexradio.com/ the other day, it was called the "HURTING CYCLE", it described my marriage so absolutely, incredibly dead on, prior to my discovery day. The world I was living in, was on that show. The hurt and pain, prior to discovery that I felt could not have been better explained than how Jonathan and Stephen said it. I am positive if you went and listened, you would hear your own life in it. In fact I would wager that in 95% of marriages this is happening.
In all the marriages that I am hearing about and watching disintegrate, as far as I know there has been no infidelity in them, yet they are ending in divorce. Families are separating and children are being hurt. I have asked myself why. Why would they want to end their marriages when they have so little damage. Maybe I see it as little damage because mine has such great damage. Here I am working at saving my marriage, my family, after the absolutely worst storm hit it and others are just throwing theirs away. WHY? After listening to Pure Sex Radio, I got it. There is hurt, with to much pride and an unwillingness to TALK to each other. It is just to much work. Wow, if they could just see how much work it takes after your marriage has been hit by a tornado, (sex addiction, infidelity) maybe they would realize just how easy it would be for them to salvage their relationship. Sometimes I just want to scream, TALK TO EACH OTHER, how hard does that have to be. Yell, scream, get mad, but do something, say something, throw your darn pride out the window and humble yourself. What does God say about pride? "A proud man is a stupid man but a humble man is wise." Where is the wisdom is breaking up your family?
I remember when I stopped talking to my husband. I had tried for years to get him to hear me, to listen to my concerns over our marriage, to get help for himself and our marriage, yet no matter what I said or did, he would refuse and after awhile I stopped asking. In fact I stopped talking all together to him. I only spoke when speaking was necessary. I can not tell you how many times my friends would say, "talk to your husband" and I would say back, "why, it will do no good, he won't hear me, or he'll just lie to me, so why should I waste my time and energy." When I think back to those times, I get extremely angry with myself, because I should have spoken up regardless, I should have screamed it from the mountain tops. Instead I buried it inside myself and began the journey to resentment and totally distancing myself from him. Both physically and emotionally.
One Sunday afternoon, about four years prior to discovery, I felt so lonely in my marriage, I felt like I had this man who was nothing more than a body sitting in my living room. I took a walk alone, listening to music on my - walkman radio - cassette player, (no, I had not heard of the Ipod yet, lol) a song started to play called, "It Matters To Me" by Faith Hill and I started to cry, that song said so much of how I was feeling at the time, it stirred up so many emotions in me. After that song was over another one came on by Patti Loveless called "I Don't Want To Feel Like That", after Patti's was over another one came on, "Whatever You Say", by Martina McBride, I could not believe that these songs were playing one after the other and each one described emotions I was dealing with in my marriage. When I got home, I went to my collections of tapes and found all three songs, I walked down stairs and put them in the player, turned up the volume and said to Wayne, "Please listen to these three songs, they say so much about what I feel and how our marriage is failing, we have to do something to change, I can not take it anymore, please listen with an open heart and mind". I turned them on and while Wayne and I sat in that room together listening to these songs, I cried the entire time as he sat there stone faced, saying NOT ONE WORD. I sat there in tears and he showed NO emotions, is that Love? Is that even an ounce of Care? NO Yet I stayed. I had no boundaries, I had no accountability to how he treated me or our marriage. He would not TALK and I did not push for answers. SHAME ON ME, SHAME ON ME.
Today, I have boundaries and let me tell you the accountability is harsh. Never again will I allow someone to disrespect me like that, never will I give and give while receiving absolutely nothing in return, NEVER again will I disrespect myself. My God, wants me to be my very best and I can only be my GREATEST by living OUT LOUD. I will never be SILENT again. If I could only teach this to others. If I could wrap up everything I have learned the past 2 years and hand it out as a gift to every marriage in this world, I would do it, I would scream it from the highest mountain. TALK, TALK and TALK some more, SPEAK UP, SPEAK OUT and than STAND UP, STAND TALL, STAND STRAIGHT, STAND STRONG, SPEAK UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN HEARD, IF NOT BY WORDS THAN BY ACTIONS, DO NOT STAY QUIET, DO NOT KEEP IT INSIDE, DO NOT IGNORE IT, DO NOT FEAR IT, DO NOT ACCEPT HIS/HER SILENCE.
Why are marriages falling apart today? Because no body wants to, or is willing to Talk, Listen or do the Work it takes to make it. It is to easy to walk away, it's the simple way out. It's to hard to be honest to face our own issues and change, it is to much to face the pain of who we have let ourselves become. Empty, lonely, afraid, resentful, angry, frustrated, hurt, unforgiving or cheap forgiving, self pitying, judgemental individuals. It takes a STRONG person to face them self. It is so EASY to see the faults in others, to blame others for our pain, our misfortune, its so Easy to judge someone else for what they do and don't do. Its EASY to give advice on how someone else should live. IT'S EXTREMELY HARD TO LOOK IN OUR OWN MIRROR, IT'S HARD TO STAND UP TO OURSELVES AND TAKE OUR OWN ADVICE. THIS IS WHERE A PERSONS TRUE COURAGE SHINES THROUGH, WHEN WE TAKE COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY TO WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DO. IT TAKES COURAGE TO CHANGE AND IT TAKES COURAGE TO SPEAK UP, TO ACTUALLY FACE THE HARD BLOWS IN THIS LIFE AND DO THE EXHAUSTING WORK TO CHANGE. We have all gotten to lazy and divorce is just to EASY of a way out anymore, its EASY to walk away. The saddest part of that walk is that every time we walk away from the fight, we walk away from ourselves. A part of us dies right there. Even though we do not recognize it at the time, something dies in us every time we choose the EASY way out. A part of our self esteem goes, our self respect, our integrity, our self worth and we do not even realize it.
The next time someone tells me a weak person stays in a marriage that has been damaged either by infidelity or just a disconnection, I am going to scream. IT TAKES MORE STRENGTH TO STAY AND DO THE HARD WORK, IT TAKES MORE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR PAIN EVERYDAY, IT TAKES BOTH STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, THAN IT WOULD EVER TAKE TO WALK AWAY. (Let me make this very clear, it takes NO strength to stay and look the other way, it takes NO courage to stay and do no work on your self, that's just another easy way out. This really is not a way out, this is just a way into more pain.)
To those of you who have choosen divorce over working on your marriages, those who have been dealt the greatest blow, infidelity, do not take me wrong. You have a right to divorce and move on with your life. God Bless You for it. I am not saying that you are weak for chosing divorce if your spouse was unwilling to change or if your spouse gave you no choice and left. I just hope that if you have chosen divorce, you are still working on yourself. I am going to share a story of a lady who divorced her husband. She does not believe in forgiveness. She was extremely angry with her ex husband for the choices he made during their marriage, her anger stemmed over to the other woman as well and after four years of so called trying to salvage her marriage, she chose divorce. Although she divorced her husband she was still having sex with him, she would still call him up at night, yell and scream about what he did and why. The pain of his infidelity was still there, even after she divorced him. She was so afraid of being alone. She is 47 years old and her fears of growing old alone caused her to make a choice that cost us our friendship, worst than that, it cost her so much more. Instead of working on and through her fears, she jumped. 7 months after her divorce, she met someone on the internet, someone who she knew in school, 30 years ago, within one month, they are living together. Let me tell you what ended our friendship, mine and hers, this old friend she met online had been living with a woman for 15 years and was still living with her when my friend started seeing and talking to him, she excused and justified her behavior as not being the same as infidelity because they were never married. My old friend does not put herself in the same shoes as the other woman, I do. Instead of working on her issues and changing her life for the better, she allowed her fears and self esteem issues to take her integrity and self respect away. I have lost all the respect I had for her. I am not judging her, its through my own changes that I now will only allow those who value their character, into my life. If someone can justify in anyway that hurting someone else is okay, they can not be a part of my life, it is just that simple. Trust me, I told her exactly how I felt about how she conducted herself through this. It saddens me to the deepest part of my heart.
If you have chosen to divorce, please continue to do the gut wrenching work on yourself. Know who you are and what you stand for. Never let what you have been through take your self worth and self respect away. Be proud of who you are and your strengths.
For those of you still fighting for your marriages, stay strong, believe in yourself and let know one tell you, that you are weak for staying. If they have been where you have been, they will understand, if they have not, they should hit their knees right now and Thank God and start doing the work they need to do in their own marriages, like TALKING so they may know the pain we have endured.
For those of you who are struggling to just connect with your spouse, start TALKING and do not stop until you have been heard. Scream it, Yell it, put it on a Bill Board, just do not stop TALKING. TALK, TALK than TALK some more, TALK everyday of every year and NEVER STOP. Communication is what bonds us together.
I think of those of us who are trying to save our marriages after the absolute worst damage has been done. The struggles we deal with on a daily basis, the pain we face every minute, the fears we feel, especially the fear of, "Will they do this to me again?" My Pastor/Counselor told me, not that long ago, that it is not a matter of "IF, but WHEN". That is scary and the thought never leaves my mind. So I put it in God's hands and let it go. One thing I know, if he does it again, I will know and I will go. If my Pastor is right, than I have to ask myself if I am wasting my time trying to salvage a marriage that is already gone. The only thing that keeps me here, still fighting every day for my family, is this time I am aware of the man that is in my life, I know what he is truly capable of, this time I have boundaries set so high he could never jump them and the accountibility is, in one word, "GONE", I'm GONE, no looking back a second time. Now, if I say it, I'll do it, no more maybe's, no more ignoring, no more looking the other way, no more shuting up. This time I am wide awake and willing to move on. The greatest damage there is to marriage has happened, over and over in mine, yet every day I face it. While so many marriage, with so little damage are ending up in the divorce court. WHY? I believe I have found the answer to my question:
I heard the most powerful message on: http://www.puresexradio.com/ the other day, it was called the "HURTING CYCLE", it described my marriage so absolutely, incredibly dead on, prior to my discovery day. The world I was living in, was on that show. The hurt and pain, prior to discovery that I felt could not have been better explained than how Jonathan and Stephen said it. I am positive if you went and listened, you would hear your own life in it. In fact I would wager that in 95% of marriages this is happening.
In all the marriages that I am hearing about and watching disintegrate, as far as I know there has been no infidelity in them, yet they are ending in divorce. Families are separating and children are being hurt. I have asked myself why. Why would they want to end their marriages when they have so little damage. Maybe I see it as little damage because mine has such great damage. Here I am working at saving my marriage, my family, after the absolutely worst storm hit it and others are just throwing theirs away. WHY? After listening to Pure Sex Radio, I got it. There is hurt, with to much pride and an unwillingness to TALK to each other. It is just to much work. Wow, if they could just see how much work it takes after your marriage has been hit by a tornado, (sex addiction, infidelity) maybe they would realize just how easy it would be for them to salvage their relationship. Sometimes I just want to scream, TALK TO EACH OTHER, how hard does that have to be. Yell, scream, get mad, but do something, say something, throw your darn pride out the window and humble yourself. What does God say about pride? "A proud man is a stupid man but a humble man is wise." Where is the wisdom is breaking up your family?
I remember when I stopped talking to my husband. I had tried for years to get him to hear me, to listen to my concerns over our marriage, to get help for himself and our marriage, yet no matter what I said or did, he would refuse and after awhile I stopped asking. In fact I stopped talking all together to him. I only spoke when speaking was necessary. I can not tell you how many times my friends would say, "talk to your husband" and I would say back, "why, it will do no good, he won't hear me, or he'll just lie to me, so why should I waste my time and energy." When I think back to those times, I get extremely angry with myself, because I should have spoken up regardless, I should have screamed it from the mountain tops. Instead I buried it inside myself and began the journey to resentment and totally distancing myself from him. Both physically and emotionally.
One Sunday afternoon, about four years prior to discovery, I felt so lonely in my marriage, I felt like I had this man who was nothing more than a body sitting in my living room. I took a walk alone, listening to music on my - walkman radio - cassette player, (no, I had not heard of the Ipod yet, lol) a song started to play called, "It Matters To Me" by Faith Hill and I started to cry, that song said so much of how I was feeling at the time, it stirred up so many emotions in me. After that song was over another one came on by Patti Loveless called "I Don't Want To Feel Like That", after Patti's was over another one came on, "Whatever You Say", by Martina McBride, I could not believe that these songs were playing one after the other and each one described emotions I was dealing with in my marriage. When I got home, I went to my collections of tapes and found all three songs, I walked down stairs and put them in the player, turned up the volume and said to Wayne, "Please listen to these three songs, they say so much about what I feel and how our marriage is failing, we have to do something to change, I can not take it anymore, please listen with an open heart and mind". I turned them on and while Wayne and I sat in that room together listening to these songs, I cried the entire time as he sat there stone faced, saying NOT ONE WORD. I sat there in tears and he showed NO emotions, is that Love? Is that even an ounce of Care? NO Yet I stayed. I had no boundaries, I had no accountability to how he treated me or our marriage. He would not TALK and I did not push for answers. SHAME ON ME, SHAME ON ME.
Today, I have boundaries and let me tell you the accountability is harsh. Never again will I allow someone to disrespect me like that, never will I give and give while receiving absolutely nothing in return, NEVER again will I disrespect myself. My God, wants me to be my very best and I can only be my GREATEST by living OUT LOUD. I will never be SILENT again. If I could only teach this to others. If I could wrap up everything I have learned the past 2 years and hand it out as a gift to every marriage in this world, I would do it, I would scream it from the highest mountain. TALK, TALK and TALK some more, SPEAK UP, SPEAK OUT and than STAND UP, STAND TALL, STAND STRAIGHT, STAND STRONG, SPEAK UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN HEARD, IF NOT BY WORDS THAN BY ACTIONS, DO NOT STAY QUIET, DO NOT KEEP IT INSIDE, DO NOT IGNORE IT, DO NOT FEAR IT, DO NOT ACCEPT HIS/HER SILENCE.
Why are marriages falling apart today? Because no body wants to, or is willing to Talk, Listen or do the Work it takes to make it. It is to easy to walk away, it's the simple way out. It's to hard to be honest to face our own issues and change, it is to much to face the pain of who we have let ourselves become. Empty, lonely, afraid, resentful, angry, frustrated, hurt, unforgiving or cheap forgiving, self pitying, judgemental individuals. It takes a STRONG person to face them self. It is so EASY to see the faults in others, to blame others for our pain, our misfortune, its so Easy to judge someone else for what they do and don't do. Its EASY to give advice on how someone else should live. IT'S EXTREMELY HARD TO LOOK IN OUR OWN MIRROR, IT'S HARD TO STAND UP TO OURSELVES AND TAKE OUR OWN ADVICE. THIS IS WHERE A PERSONS TRUE COURAGE SHINES THROUGH, WHEN WE TAKE COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY TO WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DO. IT TAKES COURAGE TO CHANGE AND IT TAKES COURAGE TO SPEAK UP, TO ACTUALLY FACE THE HARD BLOWS IN THIS LIFE AND DO THE EXHAUSTING WORK TO CHANGE. We have all gotten to lazy and divorce is just to EASY of a way out anymore, its EASY to walk away. The saddest part of that walk is that every time we walk away from the fight, we walk away from ourselves. A part of us dies right there. Even though we do not recognize it at the time, something dies in us every time we choose the EASY way out. A part of our self esteem goes, our self respect, our integrity, our self worth and we do not even realize it.
The next time someone tells me a weak person stays in a marriage that has been damaged either by infidelity or just a disconnection, I am going to scream. IT TAKES MORE STRENGTH TO STAY AND DO THE HARD WORK, IT TAKES MORE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR PAIN EVERYDAY, IT TAKES BOTH STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, THAN IT WOULD EVER TAKE TO WALK AWAY. (Let me make this very clear, it takes NO strength to stay and look the other way, it takes NO courage to stay and do no work on your self, that's just another easy way out. This really is not a way out, this is just a way into more pain.)
To those of you who have choosen divorce over working on your marriages, those who have been dealt the greatest blow, infidelity, do not take me wrong. You have a right to divorce and move on with your life. God Bless You for it. I am not saying that you are weak for chosing divorce if your spouse was unwilling to change or if your spouse gave you no choice and left. I just hope that if you have chosen divorce, you are still working on yourself. I am going to share a story of a lady who divorced her husband. She does not believe in forgiveness. She was extremely angry with her ex husband for the choices he made during their marriage, her anger stemmed over to the other woman as well and after four years of so called trying to salvage her marriage, she chose divorce. Although she divorced her husband she was still having sex with him, she would still call him up at night, yell and scream about what he did and why. The pain of his infidelity was still there, even after she divorced him. She was so afraid of being alone. She is 47 years old and her fears of growing old alone caused her to make a choice that cost us our friendship, worst than that, it cost her so much more. Instead of working on and through her fears, she jumped. 7 months after her divorce, she met someone on the internet, someone who she knew in school, 30 years ago, within one month, they are living together. Let me tell you what ended our friendship, mine and hers, this old friend she met online had been living with a woman for 15 years and was still living with her when my friend started seeing and talking to him, she excused and justified her behavior as not being the same as infidelity because they were never married. My old friend does not put herself in the same shoes as the other woman, I do. Instead of working on her issues and changing her life for the better, she allowed her fears and self esteem issues to take her integrity and self respect away. I have lost all the respect I had for her. I am not judging her, its through my own changes that I now will only allow those who value their character, into my life. If someone can justify in anyway that hurting someone else is okay, they can not be a part of my life, it is just that simple. Trust me, I told her exactly how I felt about how she conducted herself through this. It saddens me to the deepest part of my heart.
If you have chosen to divorce, please continue to do the gut wrenching work on yourself. Know who you are and what you stand for. Never let what you have been through take your self worth and self respect away. Be proud of who you are and your strengths.
For those of you still fighting for your marriages, stay strong, believe in yourself and let know one tell you, that you are weak for staying. If they have been where you have been, they will understand, if they have not, they should hit their knees right now and Thank God and start doing the work they need to do in their own marriages, like TALKING so they may know the pain we have endured.
For those of you who are struggling to just connect with your spouse, start TALKING and do not stop until you have been heard. Scream it, Yell it, put it on a Bill Board, just do not stop TALKING. TALK, TALK than TALK some more, TALK everyday of every year and NEVER STOP. Communication is what bonds us together.
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