TOUGH LOVE - BY WAYNE

Sex Addicts and the Tough Love they need:

This is from the black hole I used to be in. I had not many moments I could not think about sex, plan to get sex, want to be having sex. I could do all this and still have what I considered a normal day. This was my world, my nightmare as I look back on it. I am not even sure if I understood what true Intimacy ever was. I know after looking back it was a compulsion for relief, an escape valve when the pressure got too much. This overwhelming need to lust and be lusted after. This is right out of the Sex Addicts book and 12 step program. This came from inside of me, from defects I had acquired along life’s road. I no more had any idea what my wife kept begging me to do, join her in our relationship, be honest “ how could I be honest with such behavior going on inside“, I felt devoid of emotions. I finally began to get healthier after Discovery at the young age of 54.

MY WIFE SHOWED WHAT TOUGH LOVE IS.

Tough Love:

1. My wife could never have fixed what was broken on my inside. I had to take that step.

2. This came with time, research { Mostly, actually all, from my loving wife} and my willingness to at least try to work on being and thinking different.

3. I wonder if I could have ever done this without God’s intervention. I think he said ENOUGH OF THIS MY SON, as he sat in the corner and wept when I was in my addiction. I turned something he gave to us, his children, his creation, what was intended to be a natural bonding source to become something quite ugly. Something that would hurt others, use others, help others use us as well, turning our backs on those that love and care for us.

4. I attend the 12 step program and I feel sometimes hopeless as I see men that have been sober for sometimes years, fall back into their addiction, sometimes some do not even bother to try to get one day sober. I see marriage rings on their hands and I feel sorry for those that Love this poor man. I am filled with determination to not go down this road.

TOUGH LOVE:
A. I have to remain Sober, working on my inner landscape everyday.

B. I can not hold anyone else accountable, not even the past hurts, pain that I received at the hands of others. I have to avoid feeling the VICTIM ROLE as this is nothing more than an excuse to ACT OUT.

C. I have learned to ask my GOD for help. I will never be cured, I will never be normal. I will always be Broken.

D. I can have a better life, this has to come from inside of me, not from my wife, family, etc. from me.

I have had to quite blaming others, my wife foremost, my family, friends, coworkers, the grocery clerk, etc, and forgive all the past transgressions { Addicts use this to enable their behavior} I know as I used to do this. I had to want to change my life and the words that will be spoken about me when I am gone to be with my God. I had to face the horrible shame I felt that I could have turned out to so incredibly hurtful to others. This is a hard thing to face up to, a hard thing to put aside your pride, hollow as it is, and face the world with my issues. I hope to one day walk in an upright position again, look my neighbor in the eye with warmth, kindness, knowing that I have overcome this huge beast inside of me.

Please be aware this will never, ever go away. It is every addicts battle, his battle to battle alone, as he needs to face it on it’s own terms, it’s own battlefield, his inside place, his core.
I would hope that all the Women who read this posting realize it is not about them, what they look like, what they wear, how they are in the Private moments with their husband. This is something ugly in this broken man, something you could not fix, be enough for, do anything to change it. It is in him.

My wife has shown me true unconditional love as I work through this stuff. Set boundaries I dare not cross if I am ever able to rebuild my self respect, my honor { I had completely lost that, if I ever had it} asking me to be accountable to God and make choices that would please him as she and I would also benefit from these better choices.

I would ask the women that feel somehow responsible to let that go. You are not to blame. He is the broken one. He has let you down, let you believe he is something he is not. He has let something that was meant to be beautiful turn to rot inside him, becoming unhealthy, using others for his own selfish ends. Shame on us, we should have better standards, better integrity, try to get a better understanding about what God meant for man and women to enjoy in a sexual way, together.

I know that every addict out there would love a quick fix, not going to happen of course, and would love to live normal. Not going to happen ever. This is his life long battle. Be assured that if your addict has left to continue doing his addiction, it is an addiction, as there is nothing wrong with any daughter of God, he will not ever find peace. This will forever haunt him, ruin others lives, others families as he keeps thrashing and lashing out to try to still that awful noise and dysfunction inside himself. All we can do is pray for this sick person, ask our father to help him, Love him from a distance as he is not capable of giving love back, only taking.

TIME

Have you been told, "You will feel better in 6 months," or "It takes about 2 years to over come the pain of infidelity." Maybe you have heard this one, "It takes half the time to heal as the affair itself lasted." If I read that right, than it is going to take me 9 years to heal, or 4.5 years. After all, my husband had affairs for the entire 18 years of our marriage, one lasted 9 years, which length of time do I go by? Absolutely neither.

Know one can tell you how long it will take to heal, that is a journey only you can decide. The thing I know for sure is, YOU MUST HEAL.

I want to tell you a short story of a lady I met early on in my discovery. She had found out about her husband 4 years prior. I thought she was way ahead of me in the healing process. She had caught her husband having a secret 3 month email affair with a woman from a different country. His affair was never physical in person, their emails were graphic with sexual detail, along with the I Love You to each other and my new friend was devastated. She told me that it took her by complete surprise, her husband was not the type of man to have an affair. She had caught him early in their marriage going to strip clubs but he had stopped that as soon has she had caught him, then later in their marriage she caught him viewing porn on their home computer and once again it came to a stop. She never viewed the strip clubs or the porn as betrayal. She saw it only as something men will do. I understand her thought process on this, it is easy to bury your head in the sand. When your busy raising children, working a job, trying to keep up on your house and yard, it takes to much time and effort to deal with your husbands issues. Why should you have to, after all he is a grown man and you have your own issues to deal with, right? Anyway, I truly believed that she would help me on my journey to healing and I was absolutely disappointed to find she had not healed at all.

After 4 years of trying to salvage her marriage, she was still caught up in her anger at the other woman. In fact I found that her anger was more at the Other Woman than at her own husband. She was going to personal counseling, once in awhile anyway, but when she went, her and her therapist talked more about how to heal her husband than how to heal herself. Through time, I found out she did not believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness to her meant she had to trust him again immediately and that she had to let go of what he had done to her, which meant in her eyes, that he had gotten away with it. Her husband had been doing what ever he needed to do to help save their marriage, going to counseling, attending 12 step group classes, he was doing everything she had asked of him, yet she was not working on herself.

She was 47 when I met her and she had a huge fear of being left alone at her age. She was afraid that know one would want her and that she would spend the rest of her life alone. This screams insecurity and this is something that most of us that have been betrayed by our spouse feel. (We were not good enough). Instead of working on her insecurities and her own issues, she was working on his sexual addiction.

It had been over 6 years since her discovery when she caught her husband in another lie. He had made plans to go to a golf tournament with some co-workers, his partner was a lady that he had admitted he was attracted to. When my friend found out a month later, it all blew up and she ended up divorcing him within two months. Do I blame her for this decision, NO. After the divorce was finalized, she continued to see him almost daily, but at night when he was not there, she would call him, yelling and screaming about how he broke up his family, about how he had hurt her beyond belief, how could he do this, there were times when she would call him at 2 in the morning, because she could not sleep and her anger would build. These calls went on for months. While she was making these calls to her ex husband she was on the Internet posting her profile on sites to reconnect to her past friends, her fear of being alone was screaming out all over her life. Like I said, she never did the work on her self.

About 7 months after her divorce, she ran across an old girlfriend on Face Book. She began to renew their friendship, than one night her old girlfriend told her that she had been living with a man they both knew from high school, they had been living together for the past 15 years. They had never married, nor had kids.

One night while my friend was on the Internet, she received an email from her old girlfriends partner. She responded to it and for the next month she and him began to have late night secret email conversations. When she told me about their conversations and what he was saying, I got extremely upset. I told her she was getting into a situation just like what her husband had done to her, she disagreed, saying they were never married, nor had kids, it was not the same. I asked her if her old girlfriend knew they were corresponding, she said she did not know, but did not think so. I asked her how she could hurt someone else like this, knowing the pain it causes, all she would say is, well according to him, their relationship was over anyway. This new man had told my friend that she was the woman he had dreamed about for years and that he never married because he could not find someone who compared to her. She believed everything he said to her and got lost in his words. It helped to boast her ego. Within 1 month of them emailing each other, they were sleeping together, two weeks later, he moved in with her, without telling his 15 year partner. My friend thought this was all fine and she felt wonderful, she was falling in love again. The newness of an affair.

My friend was still sleeping and having sex with her ex husband, she was inviting him over for family dinners and holidays, up until her new friend moved in. She had let her children believe that she was trying to salvage her relationship with their dad, that the reason they divorced is because the old vows were not kept and that they would have to take those vows again someday, so the old marriage had to die and a new marriage would have to be formed. When her children found out about her new partner, they were extremely angry with her, they are now refusing to speak to her altogether. She lied to them. Amazingly she does not see it this way. Her ex husband found out by stopping by her house one Sunday morning with a cup of coffee for her. My friend called this, payback. Wow, I was amazed that someone who had been betrayed and hurt to the core, that knew how it felt to be so deeply wounded could do this to another woman and her own family.


It took about two weeks before her old girlfriend found out about her partner moving in with my friend. Once she had found out, the rumor mill began and my friend became a target for all to throw darts at. My friend who was once thought of as loving, kind, generous, was now a whore, tramp, home wrecker, ect. Every name my friend had called her husbands other woman was now being labeled on her. She is thriving in this drama, she will laugh about it, joke about it and make excuses for her behavior. She really believes she is healed from her husbands betrayal.

The character, integrity and self respect I truly believed my friend had, was gone in my eyes. She had thrown them out the window. She believes she is still the same person, I do not. It has been over 7 years now since my friend found out about her husband of almost 30 years and she is still lost. She has never healed from her husbands 3 month affair, instead she is carrying it into someone else life. She never worked to get beyond her insecurities of being alone and now has herself, betrayed an old friend and her family.

I am know longer friends with her. She is lost, in a sea of unforgiveness and pain. I could not walk this path with her as a friend, as much as I care for her and her family, I could not watch her hurt so many, including herself. She is standing on a self righteous throne of payback, even to those who did not deserve payback.

My friend has not healed at all from the pain her husbands betrayal caused her. She did not learn anything positive about herself, she did not add to her character, integrity or self worth, but instead depleted them. The things she said she would never do, she is doing. There is no healing here, there is only a band aide.

TIME: Time does not heal, time only makes it easier to handle. You will never forget the pain, you will just learn to choose what to remember. There is no such thing as a time limit, it is a personal journey we take individually. Some of us will heal by improving our lives, while others will not heal and carry their pain into the lives of others, only to continue the cycle of pain.

I am tired of hearing, "You will feel better in about 2 years," or "Your right on the mark, this is where I would expect you to be at 6 months." I am tired of the false hopes of time.

Do not watch the clock, do not count the days or months and do not keep track of the years, instead focus on your own life. Work on your fears, insecurities, grieve what has been lost, cry tears of sadness and joy, scream and yell until you are hoarse, do what ever it is you have to do to regain YOU.

I am still today, angry. Almost 3 years since discovery and I find myself still angry. My anger has turned on me though, now I am angry at myself. I am angry that for so many years, I buried my head in the sand, angry that I let my life get here, angry that I did not do for myself, angry that I did not believe in myself. My anger is a healthy anger, because it is keeping me on a growing path in my life. Since the focus of my anger was taken off of my husband, his other women and placed on myself, I have been able to move, grow and get beyond my husbands betrayal of me and unto the betrayal of myself.

Time has not been my friend, nor my enemy, time has just been time. Standing still, unable to move, trapped by my fears, my insecurities, these things have been my enemy, 10 years from now, they could still be my enemy if I chose them to be, in fact my anger at myself has become my weapon against my enemies and I am going to fight them until the day I take my last breath.

When you have faced your fears and conquered them, when you have battled your insecurities and won, when you have faced the worst pain imaginable and came out the other side a more positive and healthier person, than you are on the road to truly healing.

If you are waiting for time to pass, it will. If you truly want to heal, than CHOOSE to heal. Find out what your fears really are, go discover your insecurities and start facing them one at a time. You may lose a few battles along the way, but when the war is over, you will walk out stronger, wiser, taller and so much happier with who you are. YOU WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE A VICTOR, INSTEAD OF A VICTIM.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL IN YOUR JOURNEY TO SELF.

PORN KILLS

IF YOUR HUSBAND IS STRUGGLING WITH PORN ADDICTION, IF YOU ARE WONDERING HOW WOMEN CAN WORK IN THAT INDUSTRY, IF YOU ARE TRYING OR WONDERING HOW TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO UNDERSTAND HOW PORN IS FAKE, HURTFUL AND KILLS, GO TO THE SHELLEY LUBBEN WEB SITE. SHE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL MESSAGE OF THIS HORRIBLE INDUSTRY.

SHELLY LUBBEN IS A RECOVERING PORN ACTRESS AND PROSITUTE. SHE HAS A POWERFUL MESSAGE OF THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS SEX INDUSTRY. HER STRENGTH AND WISDOM IS SO FAR REACHING IN THIS INDUSTRY THAT HER MINISTRY IS A MUST TO SEE AND HEAR. GOD HAS GIVEN HER THE GIFT OF COURAGE. I CAN NOT IMAGINE HOW HARD IT HAD TO BE FOR HER TO STAND UP AND ADMIT TO THE THINGS SHE HAD CHOOSEN TO DO WITH HER LIFE.

SHE HAS THE MOST INSIGHTFUL, POWERFUL, LIFE CHANGING MESSAGE.

IF YOU CAN, HAVE YOUR HUSBAND WATCH THIS WITH YOU. IF HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT DAMAGE HE DOES WHEN HE VIEWS PORN, HE MOST CERTAINLY WILL AFTER HEARING HER MESSAGE OF THE ABUSE AND LIES BEHIND THE CAMERAS THAT ARE FILMING THESE ADULT MOVIES.

I THINK ONE OF THE MOST SHOCKING THINGS SHE TELLS IS THAT THE HIGHEST VIEWING NUMBERS ARE THOSE BETWEEN 12 AND 17.

HER WEB SITE IS:

www.shelleylubben.com

THAN GO TO THE LEFT SIDE AND CLICK ON (THE TURTH) GO TO HER VIDEO THAT SAYS, "SHELLEY AMAZING STORY"

SHELLEY ALSO HAS A MY SPACE SITE, WHERE SHE HAS MANY OTHER VIDEOS AND EVERY ONE OF THEM IS AMAZINGLY TRUE.

IF YOU TRULY WANT YOUR SPOUSE TO GET WHAT THE PORN INDUSTRY REALLY IS, TAKE THEM ON THIS JOURNEY WITH SHELLEY. IF THEY DO NOT GET IT AFTER HEARING THIS IT WOULD ABSOLUTELY AMAZE ME.

GOD BLESS:
KATE

BOOK OF LIFE

Have you ever looked at life like a book? We are all born with a front and back cover. We are even born with the title to our book, once our parents give us our name, it is embossed on the front cover. It becomes our very own BOOK OF LIFE.

Most of us have already written many chapters. In some of our chapters we have written in many life changing mistakes but we have also written in many wonderful life changing victories. With each chapter we hopefully have grown. In some of our chapters we may have made the same mistakes multiple times, maybe to a different degree, such as it might have been worse the first time we made it, than it was the second or third time, it might have even been worse the second or third time. Even if we have made the same mistakes over, we still have learned something about ourselves. Maybe we found out we do not learn good enough or fast enough, or maybe we learned we got stronger every time we have made the same mistake and we start noticing the warning signs earlier, to stop us from repeating it again. It truly is not important what the mistakes are or even how often we have repeated them. The most important issue is that we recognize we have made mistakes, we accept responsibility and take accountability for them, this is where our pages start to change from mistakes to victories, where true change begins in our life and new pages are being written. I have made many mistakes going through this journey. Who really knows, I mean truly knows, how to write this kind of chapter. The chapter titled: A Spouses Ultimate Betrayal.

All of us going through this, will be writing our own pages to the next chapter of our Book. Some of us will not make as many mistakes as others will, we may repeat mistakes over and over, while others will not. Some will make a decision based on their emotions of the moment, others will wait to see how time does at healing the wounds. Some will put blinders on and pretend it did not happen, while others will take theirs off for the first time in years. Others may forgive immediately or over time, while others may never forgive. Words, from anger, pain, resentment, even from love, will be spoken, or they may never be spoken and possibly regretted later. The pages to each of our chapters, are ours to write and we must live with each page, once we write it, it can not be rewritten. We can most certainly change and write our pages to the next chapter differently, but the ones we have already written can not be deleted, erased, removed or redone as they are now a page in a chapter of our Book of Life.

Books are usually written with a subject matter. Whether it is fiction or non fiction, it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. The author usually gets to pick what he/she wants their characters to go through. Most of the time there is a hero and a villian with other characters mixed into the plot, the author can take them anywhere he wants them to go, have whatever personality he wants them to have, make them rich or poor, strong or weak. The characters of a book do not get to decide what happens to them, where they go or even what they do, the author has free rein over them. Some books are so good, you just can not put them down until you have finished the whole story, while others are so boring that reading one chapter puts you to sleep. There are those that get you so caught up that you start to fantasize that you are the hero in the story line. When you have finally finished reading the book you will have decided whether it was worth reading or a waste of time. When asked, you will tell others what you thought about the book, "it was great, the best book I have read in years,", "it was a tear jerker and I cried the whole way through", "it was the most boring, puts you to sleep book ever written," or maybe just a simple, "it was okay, but I would not read it again." It is always up to the reader if the author of the book was good or not and it is the reader who determines if the author's book will make money or be on the Best Sellers list.

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Every minute of every day, you are writing a page in a chapter of your Book and on some of those pages will be lifes you have touched along the way. (How would, or will your Book read when these questions are asked?)

How did I conduct myself when others mistreated me, did I handle it with dignity and Grace?

When I made mistakes, did I take responsibility for them, did I learn and grow?

When life beat me down, did I stay down or get up, did I continue on with myself respect and self value in tact, or did I throw it out the window and hurt others with gossip and back stabbing to feel better, "I'll do unto you, what you did unto me" mentality?

Did I live to the best of my ability, using a moral compass to guide me, or did I have the careless, it's my life and I will do what I want regardless of who it might hurt, attitude?

Did I share and give thanks for my victories? Did I appreciate those who helped me acheive my successes?

Did I honor my word? Keep my promises or did I just not care?

Did I build up or tear down someone else's life? Was I a positive or negitative influence in the lifes of others?

Did I work hard to bringing peace and joy, or just cause conflict in the lives of those I love, work with, or met in the World?
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How are you writing your Book? What will the readers remember about it when it is finished? Will your Book be a Top Seller? One where others will say:

"That was the Best Book, I want to write one just like that, it left me feel like I can do anything".

"Yes the Book was full of mistakes but their victories completely outshined their mistakes, it left me feeling like I might make some wrong choices but there is hope for me, I can redeem myself by making better ones."

"That was the absolute worst Book I have ever read, do not buy it, you will be filled with anger and hatred at the end."

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We get to write our own Book, we get to choose what goes on our pages and how the chapters will read. Remember our Book of Life, does not have an edit button, we do not have the rewrite option, once the WORDS ARE SPOKEN, ACTIONS DONE, THOUGHTS ARE PROCESSED and CHOICES ARE MADE, it is forever written on a page in a chapter of your Book.

Unlike the author of a book we buy or read in a Library, who gets to design the cover of their book and decides what is going to happen with the story, the characters of his book have no choice, they are what he makes them, than the author has the ability to edit the pages and rewrite a paragraph if they do not like how it reads, we do not get that luxury. We do not know what will happen in our life. We do not know what is coming, good or bad. The only thing we get is the choice on how we handle whatever it is that comes our way and that is what makes up the pages, in the chapters of our Book of Life.

I believe that God designed our covers, He knows our ending and He knew our story before we even wrote it. God is the designer of our Book and we are the author. We get to write our own story. Sometimes our story lines are not by our choosing, but we get to chose how it will be written. God gave us a magnificent and powerful gift, the honor of making our own choices.

When we give our lives to Chirst, He should be the author of our Book, I think of all the pain and suffering I could have spared myself had I of just let God be the complete author of my Book, but I am just a human being and I always have hung on to parts of my own story line and it has been through those times that I have made my greatest mistakes and pages were written with great regret. Christ knew I was going to do this and that is why is sent His Son to die for us. Although God forgives us for those pages, (sins), it is in forgiving ourselves, that I beleive, we write our most painful pages. Since we can not forgive ourself we unfortunately make the mistake again and another page is written. Everyone's Book will have mistakes, bad decisions, poor choices, but it is those who can forgive themself and move on to better decisions and choices that will start writing new pages filled with a more positive story line.

Tomorrow, when you first wake up in the morning, think about the fact that you can start to write a whole new page and possibly a new chapter to your Book of Life. The past is already written, its over and the pages are full. How do you want to start this fresh new page? How do you want the rest of your Book to read? What do you want your readers to say when your Book is finished? It is your Book, it is your choice what you write.

WHAT DO YOU WANT THE PAGES AND CHAPTERS OF YOUR LIFE TO SAY WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR BOOK?

NEVER STOP TALKING

"I think we should just get a divorce", " I could not agree more". These are words that are going on in marriages everyday all over the World. I have two very good friends who are going through this, after 23 and 13 years of marriage. I would give anything to have the opportunity that both of these couples have to fix their marriages. See, their marriages do not have the damage mine does. They are divorcing because they just do not want to do the work involved to save their relationships and families. "It's his fault", "It's her fault", is all I hear.


I think of those of us who are trying to save our marriages after the absolute worst damage has been done. The struggles we deal with on a daily basis, the pain we face every minute, the fears we feel, especially the fear of, "Will they do this to me again?" My Pastor/Counselor told me, not that long ago, that it is not a matter of "IF, but WHEN". That is scary and the thought never leaves my mind. So I put it in God's hands and let it go. One thing I know, if he does it again, I will know and I will go. If my Pastor is right, than I have to ask myself if I am wasting my time trying to salvage a marriage that is already gone. The only thing that keeps me here, still fighting every day for my family, is this time I am aware of the man that is in my life, I know what he is truly capable of, this time I have boundaries set so high he could never jump them and the accountibility is, in one word, "GONE", I'm GONE, no looking back a second time. Now, if I say it, I'll do it, no more maybe's, no more ignoring, no more looking the other way, no more shuting up. This time I am wide awake and willing to move on. The greatest damage there is to marriage has happened, over and over in mine, yet every day I face it. While so many marriage, with so little damage are ending up in the divorce court. WHY? I believe I have found the answer to my question:


I heard the most powerful message on: http://www.puresexradio.com/ the other day, it was called the "HURTING CYCLE", it described my marriage so absolutely, incredibly dead on, prior to my discovery day. The world I was living in, was on that show. The hurt and pain, prior to discovery that I felt could not have been better explained than how Jonathan and Stephen said it. I am positive if you went and listened, you would hear your own life in it. In fact I would wager that in 95% of marriages this is happening.


In all the marriages that I am hearing about and watching disintegrate, as far as I know there has been no infidelity in them, yet they are ending in divorce. Families are separating and children are being hurt. I have asked myself why. Why would they want to end their marriages when they have so little damage. Maybe I see it as little damage because mine has such great damage. Here I am working at saving my marriage, my family, after the absolutely worst storm hit it and others are just throwing theirs away. WHY? After listening to Pure Sex Radio, I got it. There is hurt, with to much pride and an unwillingness to TALK to each other. It is just to much work. Wow, if they could just see how much work it takes after your marriage has been hit by a tornado, (sex addiction, infidelity) maybe they would realize just how easy it would be for them to salvage their relationship. Sometimes I just want to scream, TALK TO EACH OTHER, how hard does that have to be. Yell, scream, get mad, but do something, say something, throw your darn pride out the window and humble yourself. What does God say about pride? "A proud man is a stupid man but a humble man is wise." Where is the wisdom is breaking up your family?

I remember when I stopped talking to my husband. I had tried for years to get him to hear me, to listen to my concerns over our marriage, to get help for himself and our marriage, yet no matter what I said or did, he would refuse and after awhile I stopped asking. In fact I stopped talking all together to him. I only spoke when speaking was necessary. I can not tell you how many times my friends would say, "talk to your husband" and I would say back, "why, it will do no good, he won't hear me, or he'll just lie to me, so why should I waste my time and energy." When I think back to those times, I get extremely angry with myself, because I should have spoken up regardless, I should have screamed it from the mountain tops. Instead I buried it inside myself and began the journey to resentment and totally distancing myself from him. Both physically and emotionally.


One Sunday afternoon, about four years prior to discovery, I felt so lonely in my marriage, I felt like I had this man who was nothing more than a body sitting in my living room. I took a walk alone, listening to music on my - walkman radio - cassette player, (no, I had not heard of the Ipod yet, lol) a song started to play called, "It Matters To Me" by Faith Hill and I started to cry, that song said so much of how I was feeling at the time, it stirred up so many emotions in me. After that song was over another one came on by Patti Loveless called "I Don't Want To Feel Like That", after Patti's was over another one came on, "Whatever You Say", by Martina McBride, I could not believe that these songs were playing one after the other and each one described emotions I was dealing with in my marriage. When I got home, I went to my collections of tapes and found all three songs, I walked down stairs and put them in the player, turned up the volume and said to Wayne, "Please listen to these three songs, they say so much about what I feel and how our marriage is failing, we have to do something to change, I can not take it anymore, please listen with an open heart and mind". I turned them on and while Wayne and I sat in that room together listening to these songs, I cried the entire time as he sat there stone faced, saying NOT ONE WORD. I sat there in tears and he showed NO emotions, is that Love? Is that even an ounce of Care? NO Yet I stayed. I had no boundaries, I had no accountability to how he treated me or our marriage. He would not TALK and I did not push for answers. SHAME ON ME, SHAME ON ME.


Today, I have boundaries and let me tell you the accountability is harsh. Never again will I allow someone to disrespect me like that, never will I give and give while receiving absolutely nothing in return, NEVER again will I disrespect myself. My God, wants me to be my very best and I can only be my GREATEST by living OUT LOUD. I will never be SILENT again. If I could only teach this to others. If I could wrap up everything I have learned the past 2 years and hand it out as a gift to every marriage in this world, I would do it, I would scream it from the highest mountain. TALK, TALK and TALK some more, SPEAK UP, SPEAK OUT and than STAND UP, STAND TALL, STAND STRAIGHT, STAND STRONG, SPEAK UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN HEARD, IF NOT BY WORDS THAN BY ACTIONS, DO NOT STAY QUIET, DO NOT KEEP IT INSIDE, DO NOT IGNORE IT, DO NOT FEAR IT, DO NOT ACCEPT HIS/HER SILENCE.


Why are marriages falling apart today? Because no body wants to, or is willing to Talk, Listen or do the Work it takes to make it. It is to easy to walk away, it's the simple way out. It's to hard to be honest to face our own issues and change, it is to much to face the pain of who we have let ourselves become. Empty, lonely, afraid, resentful, angry, frustrated, hurt, unforgiving or cheap forgiving, self pitying, judgemental individuals. It takes a STRONG person to face them self. It is so EASY to see the faults in others, to blame others for our pain, our misfortune, its so Easy to judge someone else for what they do and don't do. Its EASY to give advice on how someone else should live. IT'S EXTREMELY HARD TO LOOK IN OUR OWN MIRROR, IT'S HARD TO STAND UP TO OURSELVES AND TAKE OUR OWN ADVICE. THIS IS WHERE A PERSONS TRUE COURAGE SHINES THROUGH, WHEN WE TAKE COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY TO WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DO. IT TAKES COURAGE TO CHANGE AND IT TAKES COURAGE TO SPEAK UP, TO ACTUALLY FACE THE HARD BLOWS IN THIS LIFE AND DO THE EXHAUSTING WORK TO CHANGE. We have all gotten to lazy and divorce is just to EASY of a way out anymore, its EASY to walk away. The saddest part of that walk is that every time we walk away from the fight, we walk away from ourselves. A part of us dies right there. Even though we do not recognize it at the time, something dies in us every time we choose the EASY way out. A part of our self esteem goes, our self respect, our integrity, our self worth and we do not even realize it.

The next time someone tells me a weak person stays in a marriage that has been damaged either by infidelity or just a disconnection, I am going to scream. IT TAKES MORE STRENGTH TO STAY AND DO THE HARD WORK, IT TAKES MORE COURAGE TO FACE YOUR PAIN EVERYDAY, IT TAKES BOTH STRENGTH AND COURAGE TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, THAN IT WOULD EVER TAKE TO WALK AWAY. (Let me make this very clear, it takes NO strength to stay and look the other way, it takes NO courage to stay and do no work on your self, that's just another easy way out. This really is not a way out, this is just a way into more pain.)


To those of you who have choosen divorce over working on your marriages, those who have been dealt the greatest blow, infidelity, do not take me wrong. You have a right to divorce and move on with your life. God Bless You for it. I am not saying that you are weak for chosing divorce if your spouse was unwilling to change or if your spouse gave you no choice and left. I just hope that if you have chosen divorce, you are still working on yourself. I am going to share a story of a lady who divorced her husband. She does not believe in forgiveness. She was extremely angry with her ex husband for the choices he made during their marriage, her anger stemmed over to the other woman as well and after four years of so called trying to salvage her marriage, she chose divorce. Although she divorced her husband she was still having sex with him, she would still call him up at night, yell and scream about what he did and why. The pain of his infidelity was still there, even after she divorced him. She was so afraid of being alone. She is 47 years old and her fears of growing old alone caused her to make a choice that cost us our friendship, worst than that, it cost her so much more. Instead of working on and through her fears, she jumped. 7 months after her divorce, she met someone on the internet, someone who she knew in school, 30 years ago, within one month, they are living together. Let me tell you what ended our friendship, mine and hers, this old friend she met online had been living with a woman for 15 years and was still living with her when my friend started seeing and talking to him, she excused and justified her behavior as not being the same as infidelity because they were never married. My old friend does not put herself in the same shoes as the other woman, I do. Instead of working on her issues and changing her life for the better, she allowed her fears and self esteem issues to take her integrity and self respect away. I have lost all the respect I had for her. I am not judging her, its through my own changes that I now will only allow those who value their character, into my life. If someone can justify in anyway that hurting someone else is okay, they can not be a part of my life, it is just that simple. Trust me, I told her exactly how I felt about how she conducted herself through this. It saddens me to the deepest part of my heart.


If you have chosen to divorce, please continue to do the gut wrenching work on yourself. Know who you are and what you stand for. Never let what you have been through take your self worth and self respect away. Be proud of who you are and your strengths.


For those of you still fighting for your marriages, stay strong, believe in yourself and let know one tell you, that you are weak for staying. If they have been where you have been, they will understand, if they have not, they should hit their knees right now and Thank God and start doing the work they need to do in their own marriages, like TALKING so they may

know the pain we have endured.

For those of you who are struggling to just connect with your spouse, start TALKING and do not stop until you have been heard. Scream it, Yell it, put it on a Bill Board, just do not stop TALKING. TALK, TALK than TALK some more, TALK everyday of every year and NEVER STOP. Communication is what bonds us together.

THE OTHER WOMEN

The other person, man/woman in an affair can be a complex person to understand. I have read on other forums how the betrayed spouse wants to or has confronted the OM/OW. I have been asked what I thought, should they be contacted. I am going to write down my journey, what it was that I needed to do to help with my own closer. Some of you will judge me, some of you will think I got the ultimate revenge and others of you will just understand why I did what I did. (LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, UNLESS YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH AND SKILL TO COMPLETELY TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, CLOSURE FOR YOU.)


If you have read my story, than you know there were many Other Women in my husbands life. Some with whom I knew personally. When I finally was able to get their names from my husband, at least all the names he could remember, I called each and every one of them. Here is what happened on those calls.


1.) Mrs. Taylor, Yes this was a married woman who had gotten her husbands approval to sleep with my husband early on in our marriage. They were swingers. When I called her, she laughed at me, telling me that it had happened so long ago, that my husband might be a "cheat" but at least he was not a "liar". I completely kept my composer. I got NO apology, there was no remorse, no guilt. Her and my husband had only had sex once and all I could do was feel sorry for her. What a pathetic way to live, hurting others. At that moment that door closed for me. You can not give morals to someone who does not have even a small portion of morals. She laughed throughout our entire conversation. This affair took place just 6 months into our marriage. This conversation took place after discovery.


2.) Carla: This is the one who denied everything. Nothing happened, my husband loved me, talked about how great his family was. My husband would never do anything to hurt any of us. They never had sex, only meals together. They were just friends. Talked at work. She knew everything about my life and my husbands life before me. This conversation took place with in the first 6 months of our marriage. I choice to believe her, not my husband, but this woman. This was his first affair partner on me. Had she of told me the truth than, I could have saved myself years of pain and heartache. Remember, if you talk to the Other person, they will LIE! Be careful as to what you believe and who you believe is telling the truth.


3.) Tracy: This was one of my ex employees. She was going through a divorce and had three children, I was helping her by paying rent and day care when I could. We than gave her a job on our construction site. This affair took place about 5 to 6 years into our marriage. I did not know about this affair either until after discovery. In fact this was the last one my husband told me about. I have video's of this woman, mixed in with family functions now. Of course I was going to call her. She is a prostitute in Las Vegas, she has not seen her children in 12 years, she has a drug problem. Her life must absolutely be horrible. Her and my husband had sex one time. According to both stories. She did apologize to me, she had remorse, only because I was her friend. I forgave her, I even offered to help her change her life. Nothing came of that offer.


4.) Roxanne: This woman had a 3 year affair with my husband. She to was married, is still married to the same husband. Their affair ended in 1997, only because my husband left a message on the windshield of her car asking if she needed her kitchen remodeled, her husband retrieved the message and it scared her to death, she did not want to lose her marriage. She told me she never knew my husband was married until I came to the job site one day. After she found out he was indeed married, she said they had sex twice afterwards. She told me that she had lost her mother and her husband was not supportive, that my husband made her feel better about herself at the time, after it ended, it has haunted her, she has to live with the fear of her husband finding out. She said my husband was a horrible person and that she felt like she was now on his level in this life. She started crying, apologizing, begging me to forgive her. "It was the biggest mistake of my life." "I wish I could go back and undo what I did." Her remorse was all I needed, once I had that, I was able to shut that door. She told me that my husband never said a word about me, not one negative or positive word. During their affair, my husband was working out of town, I would take time to plan surprises for him, like go to a motel where he was working, call him up and give him clues to find me. After discovery, I found out how after I would leave, he would call her to come over. He begged her to come, she never did. The knowledge of that, now takes away all the memories of those times. They once were special and wonderful memories. Now they will live forever in the Trash compartment of my mind.


5.) Maryann: This was a 7 month affair in 2004. While my husband was working on a Skiing Resort, he met this woman at the bar in the small town he was staying in. I had moved up there with him to start with, but my gut kept telling me that something was very wrong and I went home and stayed. Within a few days of my leaving he was with her. When I spoke with her, she to was remorseful, apologized, she said my husband was empty and did nothing for her. She was in her early 30's my husband in his 50's. She was my/our daughters age. She told me some of the things my husband said about me. She as well told me about another lady up there named Katrina that wanted to talk to me, I told Maryann to give her my number. I was able to close the door to this woman as well. When you hear true remorse or heartfelt apologies it is so much easier to forgive, let go, understanding how my husband manipulated every woman around him.


6.) Cindy; I never spoke to Cindy directly. She worked for the company that did our payroll, back in 1994 to 1997. I spoke with her ex boss, Elaine, who I knew well. Elaine told me that it was the gossip of the office. That none of the women in there liked my husband, they thought he was a pig. He hit on every woman in there and they all talked about telling me, they just never had the heart to do it. How I have wished they would have. I could hear them saying, "the poor thing" whenever I left the office. Elaine told me that Cindy was married at the time of her and Wayne's affair, that she had a great husband and they all really liked him. Cindy divorced him, during her affair with my husband and it broke his heart. Elaine informed me that Cindy had remarried and divorced, her life now is extremely messed up and that has far as she was concerned, it started with my husband and him manipulating Cindy into divorcing her first husband. Cindy's kids were neglected after that by her, it was sad and hard for them to watch. I have now been able to forgive her and close that door.

It amazed me just how many others knew about my husband. He thought he was so sneaky, so good at what he was doing that these other women were telling no one else, they were guarding their secret. Yet, in reality, a lot of other people knew. The only one it was kept secret from was ME.



The benefit of me talking to these women? To let them know, I now knew. I did not name call, I did not get angry, I did not in any way try to make them feel guilty, I did not do it for any reason other than, I wanted them to know, I knew. I as well wanted to know what kind of women had been in my life without me knowing it. I got to understand how they were manipulated in the same way I was, the only difference was he ask me to marry him. I guess in some way, I saved one of them from going through what he had put me through. He most likely would have married one of these other women had he not already been married. Not for love, just for someone to use, someone to be there for him, picking up after him, cleaning up his messes, I was just the unlucky victim who said YES! For my YES, I received, herpes, years of emotional abuse, possibility of AIDES, lies and more lies, absolutely NO appreciation for all I had done. No support during hard times in my life. For my Yes, I received nothing positive, sacred, good, honorable. I received Emptiness, loneliness, cruelty, laughs behind my back, my life was made into a joke.


The women I spoke with above, were just a pin drop into all the women my husband was with, all his one night stands, etc...,to me they are nameless victims of his. This is something HE has to live with now, not me.


There is one more woman in this mix. This woman was my husbands, 9 year affair partner. 9 years out of 18, one half of my "pretend" marriage, (as she called it), was given to her. I am going to share this story with you a little differently and will be coming on another post. I have so much to enlighten you with on an affair partners mind. If you are wondering what kind of person can be the other man or woman in an affair with someone who is married, I may be able to help you understand it through the messages I received from this woman.

Please keep this in mind if you are wanting or planning on speaking with the affair partner. You WILL be lied to. You WILL hear very negative things about you, these will be stories and lies your spouse shared with them and it will hurt. Hang On to your anger, keep it in check, if you call and immediately start yelling and name calling, if you want them to have remorse you may not get it, if you try to make them feel guilty they will get defensive and you will get NO WHERE. If speaking with the other person is something you feel you must or have to do to bring closure for you, do it, but keep your dignity, your integrity. Even if they say hurtful things to you, keep your head up and remember, they have been hurt and their anger is coming from their own pain. YES, I agree with you, they did this to themselves, but that is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. Do not do or say something you will regret down the road. Here is one more very important bit of advice, DO NOT GIVE OUT ANY PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR MARRIAGE, EVEN IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING YOU KNOW IS UNTRUE, JUST TAKE THE INFORMATION FOR WHAT IT IS AN LET IT GO, DO NOT DEFEND IT, IF THEY CAN GET YOU UPSET, IF YOU LET THEM SEE YOU ANGRY, YOU WILL MAKE THEM BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING YOUR SPOUSE SAID ABOUT YOU IS TRUE AND THEY WILL JUSTIFY THE AFFAIR USING YOUR BEHAVIOR. BE CALM, BE STRONG, ASK QUESTION, GIVE NO ANSWERS, DO NOT LET YOUR ANGER OR PAIN SHOW, KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO ASK PRIOR TO SPEAKING WITH THEM, DO NOT GO INTO IT WITHOUT PRE PLANNING, BUT MOSTLY, STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF!

IT IS NOT SELFISH

It has been quite awhile since I have posted here on my blog. The reason is because I needed time to reline myself with me. I had discovered how easily I was being distracted from my own healing and growth. I was suddenly being bombarded by emails. Everyone it seemed was wanting me to answer questions they had. I am certainly no expert, I am just a woman who has walked through the fire and brimstone of adultery. It is at times a gut wrenching, absolute core exhausting journey of discovery, not only into my marriage but also into myself. I personally believe there is no greater lesson taught, than the lessons we learn through infidelity.

I have discovered that I need to make sure I live by the three C's rule: Remembering that I,
have not CAUSED my husbands issues, I have no CONTROL over it and I most certainly can not CURE him.

There is a big difference in healing from an affair, than healing from sex addiction. When you discover your spouse has been unfaithful, it changes your world, if it only happened once, you can look back at times where no infidelity took place and remember the man/woman they were to you than. When you are a spouse of a sex addict, there is no looking back, PERIOD. You truly discover you DID NOT know, have NEVER known who they are/were. The looking back for a spouse of a sex addict is extremely painful. Painful to the extreme that you can not find a moment of where there was truth in your marriage, your dream. All the sacrifices, the love, the hope, all the plans for your future, were yours and were never going to be carried out to the end. The forever, was never going to be.

When asked by someone how long my husband and I have been married, he will immediately respond with 20 years. Not me, not any longer. I had to finally understand and face the truth, my husband, was not my husband and I was not his wife. Legally, YES! Spiritually, NO! Marriage is a vow given, a promise, your word to love, honor and cherish. In my marriage, that never took place. He did not keep his word for more than 6 months. I was living a married life, as a single woman. What I say now when someone asks me, is I am just getting to know him, although legally wed 20 years ago, we have not been married. Of course I get the funny looks, but I can actually laugh at it now. I owe NO ONE an explanation of my life.

I am now (LOOKING IN THE MIRROR OF MY LIFE), My beliefs, My actions, My needs, My desires, My hopes, My wants, My health, and My world. Some will tell me how selfish I am. I have learned, this is the LEAST selfish someone can be. When we are healthy and happy with who we are, we can LOVE others, honestly and openly. We can FORGIVE with a true forgiveness. We can ENJOY others around us and bring positive things into their lives. When we live in the dark, such as I was living after my wedding 18 years ago, maybe longer. We can not Love, Forgive or bring Enjoyment to our lives, yet alone someone Else's. My mother's, views or belief is you forgive, you just flat forgive and get on with it. In her opinion that is what Christ wants us to do. I believe God calls us to Forgive, he does not call us to just accept and get on with it.

I have struggled with my FAITH, so much the past few months. If what my mother said is true, forgive and just get on with it, I did not want to be a Christian anymore. PERIOD ! If I am worshipping a God who would want me to be abused over and over, than what kind of GOD am I worshipping. If I am worshipping a God where judgement, cruelty and just flat mean spiritless actions is okay, who am I exactly worshipping? My God loves me, He loves me and when I love someone, I want the very best for them, I want them to strive in this life, achieve Joy and Peace, be loved and appreciated by others, not used and abused. When we allow people that abuse us into our lives, they steal from us and what they steal is PRICELESS. Our Joy, Our Peace, Our Self Love. This is where my personal walk with Christ has come into play, I no longer completely believe has my mother taught me. Love and forgive unconditionally while remaining right beside the abuser, no matter how many times they offend, you keep going back for more, NO! I believe now that I am to Love unconditionally, with boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed I am to hold them at a distance, so they can not steal from me. To me, there is a big difference in the People of Christ time and those of mine. Saints walk a little differently now. Sin is so wide spread in the world now, it is every where, TV, Radio, Magazines, Game players, Cell phones, Computers, the list goes on. I can only imagine what my grandchildren will face. As the world changes, so must we. We have to stand, stronger with more armor, we must grow with wisdom continually, we must be careful who we allow into our lives. We have to hold those who harm us accountable. No one should steal our Joy, our Peace. That is how we as Christians should show Gods Grace, His Love, is through our lives and how we live it.

When I see people now and I see the misery in them. When I hear their voices of judgement. When they speak with gossip. When they take advantage of and use others for their own purpose and they call themselves Christians, I want to run from Faith. A Faith I believed in for 51 years. It is called Hypocrisy! The deadliest Sin of all. I believe that Christ is calling us to:

Love, with a firm hand.
Stand on stone, not on sand.
Be true to who you are, Christ does His best work through the brightest star.
Forgive, do not forget, forgetting will lead to regret.
To be God's human Temple, you must make your life simple.
Do not stand with Judgement, Anger and foolish Pride, instead let Joy and Peace be your guide.
Christ is seen in a joyful, peaceful heart, do not let the wars of life take that apart.
Beware of what you hear, look and say, there will be a judgement day.
To be forgiven we must forgive, through our Grace, Christ does LIVE.
What I know for absolute fact, is that I must love myself before I can love back.

When we are beaten down, we can not live our greatest life. My Christ is calling me to Live My Greatest Life. That means with Joy, Peace, and Love. To offer someone a healthy person, to offer them, Joy, Peace and Love, we must have it for ourselves first. That is not selfish. That is true Love, for ourselves, others and Christ.

To Love, we must first receive Love. Let Christ Love You and Learn to Love Yourself Unconditionally. It is NOT selfish.