FROM ONE SELFISH MAN TO ANOTHER

DESIRES. LONESOME. EGO. NEEDS. RESENTMENT. ANGER. PAIN. UNHEALTHY EMOTIONS.

I was not a Safe Place.

I have been on a 2 year path of recovery.
This is what I have learned about myself.

Self, now there is a mighty big word for one such as I. I find I was addicted to Self, Needy, Selfish, Uncaring, Unkind, Resentful, so full of myself and my own stuff I could not look at anyone else’s, not even my Wife’s. This is the woman I promised, my God, your Higher Power, her Children, Parents and my friends I would guard, cherish, honor, love, in sickness and in health. I look back at my life’s template, I am so ashamed at how I treated my Wife, my Family, my God and Myself.

The sense of unworthiness that invaded my very soul, where no amount of scolding or criticism could ever begin to start to express my sense of despair, with who I have been the past 40 years of my life. 40 plus years of Bad Behavior.

Bad Behavior. Behavior that made everyone in my life, everyone I loved, unsafe. I implore you to seek out Safety, for your wife, family, friends, your co-workers, yourself. My sense of self slowly dissolved over time, eroding away at my very core as I allowed myself the false belief that I was the only one. That my needs & desires were not being met and I selfishly lash out with cruelty, neediness and other behaviors.

If I could Touch one soul, one other man, out there. A man such as I. Who turned away from his wife in search of something so intangible, we could not even put a name to it. I, turned away from the very person that would help me find what matter’s most, help me with my troubled past, share with me my most intimate thoughts, needs, desires.

My ego was mixed up in my sense of what it takes to be a Man. Ego is also an awfully large word that expresses so much. The inability to ask for help, the inability to reach out to the one we should, our wives and ask for their tender hand, a caring hand, one that would caress my/our sweating brow as I/we try to manage the daily grind, the obsessions, the cruel stuff that comes my/our way and tries to divert us from what is real and what is not.

Now, looking back, I see how I could have been the one that reached out my hand to help my hurting, loving Wife, asking her what I could do to bring her Joy, Peace, Happiness, Intimacy, Caring. A Loving True Partner. After all, is that not what we all seek, how could I not be the one that reached out first? Offering a helping hand first, be the one that is the caregiver and not the selfish taker, the one that wipes the sweating brow, helping my wife with the things that torment her, makes her cry, talks to her in her dreams and makes her cry out at night, cruel stuff that is thrown at her, temptations, cruel evil doers that would steal her joy, her peace. I should have stood up and guarded her against such things, not thrown her under the bus, to the wolves, I should have been her Guardian against the Night, Her Angel of Mercy, Her Knight in shining Armor, the Hero she so needed, wanted and depended on.
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Reality is, my wife has and does, cries out to me in the dark. Her anger, that which I use to use as an excuse to turn away from her was nothing more than her pain caused from my distance. I think of her tears, the ones she shed for so many years and I ignored, only believing she was weak, now I know they were tears of Love. If she did not Love me, she would not have cared enough to shed a tear or even get angry, she would have just walked away, leaving me in my own darkness. Alone.

I can now face Reality. I can now deal with my stuff that laided buried for many years, using what use to define me, my anger and resentment, to hurt her and others.

Behaviors, that now when I look back, I reflect with shame. I see now, how if I could have just stepped back for one moment and really took a look at myself, my life would have been so different. The lives of those I loved, could have been better. “If Only” how I wished I could been different, done it better.

Self infatuation, resentment, anger, egotism, I used these things to cloud my judgment and divert me from Gods will. I allowed my selfish desires to divert me from the one true meaning I could have had in life, A true connection to my wife, my champion, my cheerleader, my source of true joy, my companion, my friend, my intimate reflection.

I would like to end my life, leaving my Legacy on this Earth as a true man, the one who reached out the hand, protected his family, Loved His God. I have lost the chance to be the first, to be the man that stood like a stone wall between my family and the rest of the world, the first to be the one that was the giver and not the taker. To be the caregiver instead of the complainer. The man who took the responsibility to maintain his own integrity, dignity and self respect. I have since learned, This is the TRUE MEASURE OF A MAN. I now want to be the great lover God wanted me to be. I would like my Tombstone to read that I went out Loving my wife and Family unconditionally.

At the beginning, when my wife discovered the true man she married, I feared she would leave me. I had so much Shame, quilt, insecurities and fears that I did not give her what she deserved, the TRUTH. It took me 18 months to spill out the man I had been to her and our family. Truly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, FACE WHO I WAS, HAD BEEN AND DONE TO THOSE I LOVED. It is truth, complete and honest truth that has set me free, my wife free as well. Although Hard, it was the best thing I ever did as a man. I finally stood up, got real, faced myself and took responsibility for who and what I had done. A True Measure Of A Man. If you are struggling with honesty with your wife, if you fear you will be left standing alone, please put your fears to the side, tell her the truth, she deserves the choice and you deserve the freedom.

Through all of this, my wife and family have loved me unconditionally, they have shown it for the past Twenty years. She as well shows me her love everyday, even when she is mad and hurt with my past Behavior and selfishness, for it is pain I have caused and now must deal with.

I know that God loves me as he loves all his children, from the super smart to the less than smart ones, all of us the same. I can see myself at his knee and his hand on my head as he asks me how I did while I spent my time here on Earth. I know I will hang my head in shame as I tell him all that he already knows. I see him rubbing my back and telling me that it is OK, that He forgives me and I know I am loved. I was just not one of his best children, I was a little slow, I could have done better. Now, I will do better, no matter what may come my way I will be the man, I was intended to be, the man I saw myself as when I was just a little boy.

I have not known God before, nor did I believe in Him. I always thought those that did were idiots, my wife included, but as I have seen the Grace God has put in my wife’s heart through all of this and through her unwavering faith, I know there is a God.
My wife for many years tried telling me about her faith, through my laughter I rejected it. She told me after my affairs and other behavior came to light, “God is Love, Forgiveness, Peace, Joy and Freedom, He is not a puppet master pulling strings, He is a place where we can lay our burdens down, our brokenness, our pain, where His love can fill us up. A place we are never alone. He will forgive us for the things we have done and set us free. He is what gives us Grace in our hearts to Love others even when others have been Unloving to us. God is the wisdom, that we do not have.” I thank God everyday now for my wife and her undying Love and Faith in Him.

I will say the serenity Prayer Daily as it has come to mean so much to me.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This has such a powerful meaning. I can not begin to share how much this simple prayer has meant to me. I also pray this to myself, ‘Lord I ask you into my Heart, Please forgive me my sins and please forgive those that have sinned against me.”

Today, I am determined to be the man I was always meant to be, the true measure of a man, a man who enjoys, loves, protects and encourages his wife and family, leaning on God to get him through each day.


Signed:
A SLOW LEARNER