WHERE SHOULD WE FOCUS

Why is it that we focus so much of our very being, on our spouse?

I believe that when we give someone else to much space in our mind, they control us.

Think about this for one moment, who do you focus on the most? Why?

Don't you believe you are worth more space in your own mind, than someone else? Why is it, that you are willing to give your spouse all this valuable space, without getting the same space from them in return? Do you believe you deserve equal space?

When someone gets this much space, or thought, from us, they begin to take our very being, our spirit and possibly our soul, away from us. We start handing it over to them, even when they don't ask for it or even want it. We give it when we don't even realize we're doing it. Why do you suppose we do this? Is it so we don't have to focus on our self? When we do this, who we really are, we aren't anymore. We have become to much about them. Who are we now?

Why is it, that we are more afraid of losing someone else, than we are about losing our own life. The death of our very own uniqueness of being. Our spirit, our soul.

That is what I did, I handed over my life to my husband and didn't look back. I left myself wide open to be devastated, to be hurt to my core and he hurt me, yes he did, he set a nuclear bomb off in my life, leaving me torn and bleeding, with pieces of my heart and soul scattered.

What was he doing with my life in the first place. He didn't ask me to give it to him. All he required was my word, that I would honor him, be faithful to him, be there through sickness and health, through richer or poorer. No where were the words spoken,"Give me your life, all of it, let me take total responsibility for your life." No, those words were never spoken, but that is exactly what I did. I kept my vows, my promise, my word. Why didn't I keep my life?

When I first married my husband, I had a full life. I had lots of friends. I was very active with my family, I loved the outdoors, I was always on the go. I was fun loving, easy going, happy, I loved to laugh, that soul laugh, I loved to cry, even for no reason at all, I thoroughly enjoyed life, of course, like everyone, I had my issues, but truly deep down in my being, I just loved being alive. Why, would I allow someone to control me, take so much space away from me? Especially, someone who says they love me, but does nothing to enhance my life. Why would I allow their words to affect my choices, while their actions spoke so differently. It changed me. It harden my heart, it smashed my spirit and it corrupted my soul. This is not love. True love enhances the other person, it takes the great qualities of someone and makes them greater. Love doesn't destroy. Why than did I allow my husband to abuse and destroy so much of me, my life?

Do you remember that feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you just couldn't wait to be with them, talk to them, when your thoughts of them were positive and wonderful, when you felt like you were the most important person in the world to them and they to you. Sitting up until late in the morning just to talk. Yet it didn't interfere with who you were as a person, it enhanced who you were. (Rick Reynolds with the Affair Recovery Center, did a radio show on this very thing called "Limerance", it should be in the radio archives, go listen to it.)

I married my husband and slowly, over time, I started letting go of friends, stopped doing things I liked doing, I quit spending money on my wants and needs, etc. Instead, I started focusing on my husband, my marriage. I put aside my needs, wants, dreams and desires. Every decision I had to make in my own life, I made based strictly on my marriage, my husband and our future. My husbands life became more important to me, than my own. In fact everything became more important, husband, kids, work, house, yard, laundry, bills, friends, I had no time to worry about my life.

WHEN I TOOK MY EYES OFF OF ME, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:

My husband was so busy and his job so stressful, that I took it upon myself, to accept, excuse and justify his behavior towards me, our marriage and our future.

I never held my husband accountable to his behavior in my life. Yet, I let him dominate my thoughts, my actions and my choices.

I believed I was kind, loving, understanding, forgiving, etc. (Inside, I was angry and resentful)

I spoke up, read the Letter To My Husband, 1999, I wrote, spoke, begged, bargained, pleaded, loved, forgave, yelled, screamed, on and on. Yet I accepted so little. Like his answer to my letter. "Now what, no I haven't cheated, I wouldn't do that. Yes, I love you, I'm just so busy at work and I am tired, all you want to do is talk, talk, talk." I shut up.

My gut screamed at me that something was wrong. 18 long years of gut pain. All I could hear was my husbands words. "I Love You."

Finances were missing. I would question, he would respond, I would believe and the cycle would begin again. When I quit working, by mutual agreement, I quit spending. He spent more.

Emotional support, absolutely non existence from my husband. I excused it. He was so busy. He had work pressures, so much stress.

I needed to just be held. He groped, whined and turned away.

Love Making, was empty. I was left feeling used and lonely. (I hated it)

In 1998, I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband was no where to be found. He never had time to take me to a Doctors appointment or Chemo. He was to busy. I went alone and than went to work, after work I went home to make dinner, do laundry, whatever needed to be done.
One night my husband walked into our room and found me crying. I was scared of dying. I was told to "Stop Being So Over Dramatic and Get A Life." I never shed another tear in front of my husband until November 25th, 2006. Discovery day.

IF I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON ME, ALL THE ABOVE WOULD HAVE HAPPENED DIFFERENTLY.

My husband should have stood accountable to his treatment of me and his behavior in our marriage. Most importantly, my life does matter. If it didn't matter to him, it should have mattered to me. Excusing, justifying and tolerating someone else's bad behavior, is not LOVE. In fact, its the opposite. When we truly love someone we want them to live their best life.

Never again, will I waste precious space in my mind. I will, (Hear me, I WILL) get my Life to a healthy place, where peace fills my mind and joy fills my soul. Where the Victories in my Life are Mine and the Losses, my Losses. Where I learn with each heart break, that I am strong, beautiful and a woman that I am proud of. Knowing as I walk forward out of this darkness that I have emerged the winner. I WON ME. Winning me back, means all those I love so dearly so honestly will be winners to, because they will have me back, fully capable of loving them unconditionally and freely.

I pray that each of us on this journey, relearn how to put our eyes back on ourself, giving us the space in our own minds, the wisdom to persevere, refocus on who we are. Keeping our eyes fixated on our very being, spirit and soul.

Lets take this nuclear bomb blast of infidelity and turn it into our greatest personal Victory ever. Get the space in your mind back. Focus on you.

God Bless Your Family and May God Bless You with a Fully Healthy Heart, Spirit and Soul.
Kate