Roller Coaster

The Roller Coaster
I have been reading the pain of others as well as trying to hear the pain my wife deals with on a daily basis. I wonder if the betrayer can ever feel the depth of the cut he/she has inflicted. I sometimes get impatient and wonder why with time the pain would dull. I then see the “Painful Reminders jump up” as our leaders would call it and then I get how our hurt spouse must deal with it everyday, every minute, and every second. I think sometimes it is like thinking about how far away is heaven or the end of space. I wonder if I will ever really get it. I think my wife thinks not.
I so wish I could snap my fingers, wiggle my nose; wish it away, not going to happen. I think in time there might be some form of acceptance, this comes from my group relationship, I pray for release with hope that some day things might get close to what God says we can attain. I would pray for a life full of joy, freedom, love, well being, acceptance. I know this is the great promise, I know I must actively work towards being a healthy person, living everyday with my old behaviors, whipping Satan at every turn. I know I need to ever vigilant as I know what I have been capable of in the past, always praying for the strength to reach out to my wife God, other people, mentors, for strength and guidance. I do not mean to make her or others to be Godlike, only as God says we can attain, Oneness. A meshing of 2 souls that grow together, not separated.
I know that I have always had Intimacy issues, coming from my past that did not get dealt with in any way. I know that I have to be the one that opens that door, learn to accept the lack of being normal, trying to resolve this and join people as a whole person. I think the answer will come with help from God as I pray to him for guidance, help from my wife and family as I learn to let them Love me inside, I also know this is the true meaning for our existence. Peace, Joy, Love onto one another, and great sacrifices.
I will continue to pray for all my suffering brothers and sisters wishing them healing, joy, peace.
Wayne