Avoidance

Avoidance
How do you know you Love me.
I know because you are still here.
I know because you still think about my needs before yours.
I know because you still ask me how my day was.
I know because you still show unconditional Love, even through the tears.
I know because I know you still Love me, like Christ loved us, Unconditionally, through the bad times and the good.
I know because even in your pain and your unshed tears, always so close to the surface, you reach out to touch my hand, say what fleeting thought just crossed your mind, close down in fear because you feel you do not really know me.
I had a lot of avoidance issues after discovery. I also had to really search my heart to figure what the heck was that. I never considered my Wife’s feelings in all this as the false self decided for me it must be OK. I have to allude to this other False Self that controlled me during those hurtful times. I really never stopped to think about anybody else, not my wife, family, friends, coworkers. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
I would encourage a frank discussion that comes from your heart, from the betrayer to the betrayed. I know this is the deepest pain imaginable, deeper even than losing a loved one. This requires much grieving and work to overcome. I would ask that you look at your heart, decide what you really feel about your actions, how you hurt others and respond in kind. Silence can be too intimidating, thinking the worst; not having the facts for the betrayed can almost always certainly go down the worst possible roads. I know that I can not find the words to describe what I was thinking, feeling, wanting except as follows.
I fully was engaged with my defects of character, acting out in total selfishness, in love only with me. I also know that I accepted no higher authority, letting Satan have me by the Gonads; I hope that is Ok to say here, it is just how I feel I felt then. I have been working on rebuilding trust, letting my Love for my Wife show, I hid behind my addictions for a so many years trying to get her to realize it was never about her or what she did or did not do. My Love, even though the World would say what Love, how could you treat someone you Love this way, manifested itself it selfishness. I know I had and hopefully am overcoming, Intimacy issues that went deep. I know that I would like to learn to connect with her on the deepest level, where sharing, kindness, desires, intimacy in all things both emotional as well as physical is like something you can almost reach out and taste, touch, feel.
I hear it in songs, the word of God, the very essence of our existence craves this closeness and I think our society steers us away from it. I would like to think my past actions were a stepping stone that had to be crossed that I could maybe attain what God has promised for us. I feel that I had this huge stain on my soul since I was a very young child and could never be rid of it. I am greatly saddened I hurt someone as innocent and pure as my wife and our relationship.
I know it was not fair that I layed all this on my Wife. I know it seems as if I did not care. I would ask for the time to allow my Love to show through, through the windows from my soul, my heart. I know I have huge scars, I have dealt a terrible blow to me wife & I thank her for giving me a second chance. I pray that in time she might see I am capable of unconditional Love, just as she has been giving to me in all those years of my addiction, my selfishness.
In closing I would only offer this as I have experienced it. I am trying to show my true repentance, help my wife come to grips with my total selfishness, try to reassure her that I want to get to that deep connection God has promised for us and work everyday to make good choices. I will be praying for you and all my brothers and sisters. Amen
Wayne

Inner Landscape & Healing

Inner Landscape

I will add that in working thru my old behavior and my stuff, I have embraced the following. I have taken on the responsibility of learning how I got where I am at. I have embraced, hopefully not to heavily, on the fact that I have acquired defects of character due to things, people, issues, circumstances that were out of my control. I have gotten my arms around the fact that these effected me in ways I did not deal with well. I also know these things affected me in a profound way and they finally erupted out of me in an unhealthy way. THIS is a great fact. I then used this as a way to lash out at those that loved me, mostly my Wife, who stood by me no matter what I was doing or whom I was hurting. I would like to thank my wife for always being there for me. I would go back to change the past if I could, I cannot. This also is a great fact. I can only try to offer a better me, get my arms around why I could lash out at Her and others as well as the world in general.

I would offer this to other struggling souls that, knowing that I cannot give something I do not have; Knowledge, only I would offer this as I am trying to learn. The working through our past and trying to get our arms around the brokenness that contributed to our ability to lash out at our partners, wives, husbands, etc that giving back to others is the way to true healing. I have also come to the realization I can not fix my wife’s pain, her struggles, her healing. I have found that this must be her battle, her journey. I can only be supportive, offer a better me, stay away from being defensive, falling back on old behaviors to cope with the tough stuff while working on my difficult issues in my everyday life, my inner landscape, how I perceive and deal with this as a core person. This alone will help me heal the past brokenness, the pain of betrayal, working towards a better tomorrow.

I know this is a very hard issue for her to overcome, years of supporting me as I thrash about, giving up her dreams, her needs, and her joy and peace. I see her struggle and I try to build and have Empathy for her in those moments when She is distant, obscure, walled off. I know I need to give her grace, allow the healing to flow and pray for God to help her in her human struggles.

They say stuff can be forgiven. I struggle with this as I see my actions as unforgivable. Most of mankind might agree with this, at least in my mind, and I have learned that forgiveness includes that even though it is unforgivable; it is maybe possible to learn new behaviors that would include learning to live with it, learning to work through it, learn from it so I never duplicate it, fall back on old behaviors, learn new coping skills.

I am committed to work towards a better understanding of the trials and tribulations, the pain, the hurt that I have dropped onto my wife. I will always try to work through the tough times, have empathy for the stuff I have let enter our lives, ruin our history, stain the fabric of our lives together. This is what I mean by the unforgivable and learning to live with and cope with the stuff that I allowed into our relationship. I will continue to pray for my brothers and sisters that continue to struggle, the hurt, and the pain. I pray for your release from this and I would pray for you to have all the joy, peace and prosperity God promises us.

Wayne