MY BELIEF IN GOD'S DESIGN

I was asked a very sincere and good question, after my last posting. I was also asked to ponder this question before answering it. The question was asked through email, here is the question, "Now that you know all the carnage to the other families left by your husband, what do you think God wants you to do with it?"

I have decided to answer this here on my blog. I want everyone who read my last posting to truly understand what I believe God is telling me, especially at this juncture of my life.

I believe God has been telling me to STAND UP for years. Here's the thing, I believe God gave us our instincts for a reason. I believe that is how He speaks to us. Each and everyone of us, whether we have an addiction or not, we know RIGHT from WRONG. We all know that hurting others, especially those that love us, is WRONG. No excuses. For years, I mean years, I have chosen to believe my husband over God. I have believed his words over those of my own gut, my instinct. God told me for YEARS that things were not right with my husband and I chose to ignore his warnings. I chose a man and his words over my OWN and most importantly My FATHER.

What is He, my God, my High Power telling me now, He is telling me to rise above, to show His Grace. Not just to my husband but to all mankind.

Is he telling me that to do this, to show His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that I have to stand with or beside my husband? NO

You say that "Most couples don't make it through this type of wreckage because they don't have the strength to do the work required." I don't believe your greatest strength is in supporting someones decision to sin and hurt so many in the process, forgiveness yes, supporting absolutely NOT. I don't believe that the greatest strength is in maintaining or remaining in your marriage.

I believe it takes your greatest strength in maintaining your Faith in God and in yourself. I believe it takes more strength in rebuilding your own life after someone, you believed in, trusted, respected, loved and depended on to keep you safe, decided to abuse it for their own selfish reasons. This is why Christ gave us the choice or freedom to divorce for unfaithfulness. He knew this type of betrayal would test OUR faith in Him.

Do I believe that adultery is the only act that is unfaithful? NO. I believe there are many ways be unfaithful. The word adultery is used in Scripture throughout the Bible, in this particular versus, He uses the word UNFAITHFUL. Why not Adultery? To me, unfaithful is not just the act of sex alone, it is lying, secrets, any type of deception, to me, this all describes unfaithful. Doesn't God see this type of behavior as unfaithful to Him?

Tell me what sin is greater? The sin of turning others from God or the sin of adultery? My husbands actions, decisions, turned many from God. There is NO greater way to bring His lost children to Him than through our actions. Through the Grace of our lives.


Do I believe that God is calling me to carry the cross of my husbands sin? NO, that is why HE died on the cross. He is not calling me to die there. I am his child, his daughter, He loves me unconditionally and He wants me to be filled with Joy and Peace.

Throughout this whole ordeal with my husband I pictured myself carrying the cross through the streets of Jerusalem, as Christ did, beat, battered, bloody, with people cursing at me and I was determined to get my cross to the top of the hill as Christ did His. I was determined to die there next to the sinner, than I remembered, that is why Christ died, so we, I would not have to. He died to forgive us of OUR sins, not the sins of others. He only calls us to forgive them, not support them, not to excuse them, not to Judge, but He also calls us not to let others, including our spouses, steal our Joy, our Peace and most importantly our Belief in Him. Its through our Joy and Peace which allows us to show Gods Grace to others. When we allow someone to attack that part of us, it allows depression and negative thoughts to rule our lives, God calls us to guard against this.

I truly believe that Christ is not calling me to stay with my husband, nor is he calling me to leave. He is calling me to be my best, do my best and not to waver in my FAITH. To be true to who I am in Him. Not who I am in or with my husband. My Father, God or Higher Power is asking me to LOVE HIM, BELIEVE in HIM and TRUST in HIM.

Although my husband was a nonbeliever prior to discovery, it does not excuse his behavior. It does not mean that he didn't no what he was doing was WRONG and it does not make it RIGHT in anyway, we learn very early in life that this type of behavior is inexcusable and WRONG. The prostitute at the well was a nonbeliever, until she met Christ. He did not say, "Because you did not know me, you have not sinned." No, what He said was, "Go and Sin No More." Christ did not excuse her sin, He forgave it. My husband has found forgiveness through his new found Faith in Christ. He has found what I have known for years. He now has truly seen God's Grace through my actions, which is strictly because Christ put that Grace in my heart. If I did not believe in or have Christ in my own life, as a human being standing alone, I could in NO WAY be anywhere near him. I do wonder though, how my husband will do in his Faith, as it has not been tested yet, especially the way mine has. What will he do when his Faith is tested and we all as Christians know that Faith will be tested.

My Faith has been tested many times, at times I think of JOB in the Bible, how often his Faith was tested. How he screamed out to God. I have battled my Faith through the loss of Loved Ones, both young and old, through being raped at a young age as a virgin and being told, even by my parents that it was my own fault, "I shouldn't have walked home that night." "I shouldn't have talked to this man." on and on, than at 41 a physical illness took over my life, at times taking me to a point where I would get up in the middle of the night in such pain I would vomit and beg God to just take me home and the next night asking for His will to be done. Telling Him, Please Lord let me live to see and enjoy my grandchildren. Altough my suffering went on for over a year before my doctor was able to stablize my condition it was three months later that my daughter told me she was pregnant and before the first year was gone, my first grandchild was born. 6 grandchildren in 10 years, isn't GOD great. My Faith has been put to the test many, many times but this has been the most extreme test of all.

What is God telling me? Nothing more than to Believe in Him, Love Him and make Him center of my life, keep my Faith in Him strong and He will reward me, whether here on earth or in Heaven, my reward will not come to me through my husband, it will come to me through Him, my Father. My husband is nothing more than a child of God. God is not telling me to stay or go. He is not requiring me to do either, all he is asking of me is to LEAN ON HIM, not my husband.

What is He telling you? Do you honestly know, the test, the heart wrenching, gut twisting, extremely painful thing that one can do to another, infidelity, the test of Faith, both in Christ and in herself that you have put your wife through? Forget everything else you have done, do you truly understand the battle your wife goes through now on a daily basis? If you now know how you have put your wife's Faith to the test, What is God telling YOU?

PAIN IN THE EYES OF THE CHILDREN

EXCUSE, JUSTIFY AND TOLERATE:

Three of my favorite words.

I have been having a hard time posting to my blog the past 5 to 6 weeks because I have been dealing with a battle inside myself. I have truly discovered that the three words above have been very near and dear to my heart throughout my life.

First, I have made excuses for the way I have been treated. Excuses like, "Well he works so hard." "He didn't have the moral compass I had." "He's so busy." "He's under so much stress." After I excuse the behavior, I justify it, "We need the money." "He works so hard, I shouldn't be complaining." "He feels like no one appreciates him, I need to step up more." "He's so busy, I need to do more." "He just doesn't understand, after all men aren't emotional." "Why ask the question, he'll probably just lie to me anyway." Finally, I tolerated it by setting no accountability to his actions and accepting that I don't deserve better or more.

EXCUSE, JUSTIFY than TOLERATE. I have been asking myself, Why? Why have I made these three words describe who I am?

I can tell you I have completely forgiven my husband for all the lies, betrayal and hurtful things he has done and said to and about me. Honestly, I don't carry it anymore. I have released the anger and resentment. This in no way means I have forgotten, forgetting is just not something I will ever do or even try to do. I want to always remember. I want to always remember just what this man, the one I loved and admired, is capable of doing to me, others and himself. Truthfully its not just about him, its about me to, never forgetting what I can do, excuse, justify and tolerate.

Something happened to me shortly after my two year anniversary of discovery. I found out that I was on the fence. I had one foot in my relationship with him and one foot out. Suddenly I realized that I was not committed to our relationship, nor was I committed to getting out.

The past two years, I truly believed I was working towards recommitting. I believe Wayne has been doing some amazingly hard core work on himself and the changes I have seen. Never would I have imagined he could, or would be willing to do this kind of self improvement, just two years ago. I ask myself, can I really believe his changes or is he just saying and doing what he thinks I want him to say and do? Truly though, what does it matter? It is NOT his changes or lack there of, ITS MINE. My changes, the issues I have discovered about myself, that keep me on the fence.

Excuse, Justify and Tolerate, am I doing that still. I ask myself, am I seeing changes in him because I so badly want them? Am I now excusing my own feelings? Am I now justifying my reasons for the choice's I am making, than am I just tolerating my decisions? I have CHANGED. Have I changed to much?

My oldest daughter has left her husband. He has alcohol and prescription drug problems, he doesn't work enough to support them, so they have been living with her Mother In Law now for over two years. She has grown tired of her Mother In Law's interference in their marriage and her enabling of her son's issues, so my daughter finally decided to leave her marriage. She has been staying with us now for the past month. She has three children, ages 9, 7 and 11 months, they are also here. I see the pain in them everyday. I hear how much they miss their dad and I witness their tears quite often. As a grandmother it absolutely breaks my heart. Their sadness at the breakup of their family is changing their very being, their soul, I see their young spirits being changed, damaged everyday and possibly forever. I watch as my daughter tries her best to comfort them, to assure them that it will be okay. Their heartbreak is enormous, their sense of security and safety is gone. The stress my daughter goes through just to get them all ready for school and herself off to work, at times makes her feel less of a mom. In the back ground, I feel overwhelming sadness for them all.

But there is another kind of battle that rages inside of me. My daughter and grandchildren, especially my grandchildren, brought this war to the surface in me. One that should have been raging long ago. I guess I ignored or buried this issue somewhere inside me, maybe because of all the pain of Wayne's complete story, I just overlooked this one or just didn't want to truly face it. Maybe once again I just excused, justified and tolerated the information, because to have really thought it through it would have been to much, but it still got slammed home to me hard when my daughter moved in and I had to finally, completely face the true hard facts about certain parts of Wayne's behavior prior to discovery.

Wayne admitted to me about a year into discovery that he had broken up four marriages during our 18 years together. One marriage broke up after her husband found out about Wayne. She had three children. Of course he tried to tell me that her husband was abusive to her anyway so it was NO big deal that their marriage ended, he almost sounded like he did her a big favor. I have recently spoken with someone who is a friend of this woman. Wayne's affair partner use to work for the company that did our business payroll and I was able to contact her friend through some old records of ours. She told me that Wayne's affair partners husband was not abusive in anyway and that he adored his wife and family, he as well ended up with the kids and her life has gone down hill, one man after the other and is extremely unhappy and lives with alot of regret. How can Wayne not feel remorse over hurting children, damaging lives, or having any part in breaking up a family. How can he not know how his involvement with this woman hurt her children, most likely changing their spirits forever. I really don't know if he even realizes what he has done and the affect his selfish acts had on other children's lives, for the rest of their life. Yes, it was their mothers responsibility to take care of her children and to protect them from pain, she made a horrendously bad decision in having an affair, but to me, Wayne is just as much responsible.

I can't help but hurt for the children that Wayne's issues affected. For the families he helped destroy. He is still with his family. He still has his wife, children and grandchildren. Yet he was a big part of the destruction of other families. In some ways, I feel he has made me a conspirator in all of this and this is part of the battle that rages inside of me.

Why I never felt or thought about what he did to these families when he told me, is just another example of my EXCUSE, JUSTIFY and TOLERATE mentality. Excused it by telling myself it was just another affair, Justified it by saying, it was her choice, and Tolerated it by not truly facing it.

I am ashamed of me right now. Ashamed for having any part of the destruction of any family. Ashamed to have any part of causing pain in any child's life. Even though the damage being done was unknown to me at the time, he was still my husband, my partner, my other half, as they say and the things he did, said, reflect back on me. That is why safety is so important in marriage. You must feel safe that your partner would do nothing that would bring you harm or shame in anyway.

What Wayne did is inexcusable, unjustifiable and intolerable. Through God's Grace, its forgivable. Although I have chosen to forgive Wayne, it does not necessarily mean I can accept or overlook what he has done and brought into my life. I have heard him say many times how he does not want to lose his family, but what about the families he so easily helped destroy, do you think they wanted to lose their families?

This whole thing is very sad and the battle rages on within me as I see the heartbreak and tears of the children.

If you have been wondering why I have not been posting lately, this is why. I have been in a battle within myself and every word I tried to write prior to this posting just didn't seem to work. I should have faced this battle along time ago, but it took my daughter and grandchildren to help me face it. God works in mysterious ways. God knew I needed to face this storm and was not doing it, so He dropped another bomb shell in my lap and made me look. My precious grandchildren, my beautiful daughter and now I see, my eye's are opened. There is no value on earth higher than family. No pain greater than losing family. No love greater here on earth as the unconditional love of family. How do you live with the knowledge that you were a part of the demise of a family, worse yet families.

The daily battle of all this is mine. Although Wayne did the act, it is my own responsibility for how I overcome it within myself. There are no words that Wayne could use, no action he could do to help me. This is MY BATTLE. MY NIGHTMARE. MY ISSUE. I ask you all to pray for me, that God will give me the wisdom to lay this to rest, the strenght to win this battle and the Grace to continue to love unconditionally. Pray as well for all the families damaged by infidelity. For the children, their healing and for their parents ability to understand how their selfish acts truly, painfully hurt their children, FOREVER.

God Bless Each and Everyone of You

Kate

FROM ONE SELFISH MAN TO ANOTHER

DESIRES. LONESOME. EGO. NEEDS. RESENTMENT. ANGER. PAIN. UNHEALTHY EMOTIONS.

I was not a Safe Place.

I have been on a 2 year path of recovery.
This is what I have learned about myself.

Self, now there is a mighty big word for one such as I. I find I was addicted to Self, Needy, Selfish, Uncaring, Unkind, Resentful, so full of myself and my own stuff I could not look at anyone else’s, not even my Wife’s. This is the woman I promised, my God, your Higher Power, her Children, Parents and my friends I would guard, cherish, honor, love, in sickness and in health. I look back at my life’s template, I am so ashamed at how I treated my Wife, my Family, my God and Myself.

The sense of unworthiness that invaded my very soul, where no amount of scolding or criticism could ever begin to start to express my sense of despair, with who I have been the past 40 years of my life. 40 plus years of Bad Behavior.

Bad Behavior. Behavior that made everyone in my life, everyone I loved, unsafe. I implore you to seek out Safety, for your wife, family, friends, your co-workers, yourself. My sense of self slowly dissolved over time, eroding away at my very core as I allowed myself the false belief that I was the only one. That my needs & desires were not being met and I selfishly lash out with cruelty, neediness and other behaviors.

If I could Touch one soul, one other man, out there. A man such as I. Who turned away from his wife in search of something so intangible, we could not even put a name to it. I, turned away from the very person that would help me find what matter’s most, help me with my troubled past, share with me my most intimate thoughts, needs, desires.

My ego was mixed up in my sense of what it takes to be a Man. Ego is also an awfully large word that expresses so much. The inability to ask for help, the inability to reach out to the one we should, our wives and ask for their tender hand, a caring hand, one that would caress my/our sweating brow as I/we try to manage the daily grind, the obsessions, the cruel stuff that comes my/our way and tries to divert us from what is real and what is not.

Now, looking back, I see how I could have been the one that reached out my hand to help my hurting, loving Wife, asking her what I could do to bring her Joy, Peace, Happiness, Intimacy, Caring. A Loving True Partner. After all, is that not what we all seek, how could I not be the one that reached out first? Offering a helping hand first, be the one that is the caregiver and not the selfish taker, the one that wipes the sweating brow, helping my wife with the things that torment her, makes her cry, talks to her in her dreams and makes her cry out at night, cruel stuff that is thrown at her, temptations, cruel evil doers that would steal her joy, her peace. I should have stood up and guarded her against such things, not thrown her under the bus, to the wolves, I should have been her Guardian against the Night, Her Angel of Mercy, Her Knight in shining Armor, the Hero she so needed, wanted and depended on.
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Reality is, my wife has and does, cries out to me in the dark. Her anger, that which I use to use as an excuse to turn away from her was nothing more than her pain caused from my distance. I think of her tears, the ones she shed for so many years and I ignored, only believing she was weak, now I know they were tears of Love. If she did not Love me, she would not have cared enough to shed a tear or even get angry, she would have just walked away, leaving me in my own darkness. Alone.

I can now face Reality. I can now deal with my stuff that laided buried for many years, using what use to define me, my anger and resentment, to hurt her and others.

Behaviors, that now when I look back, I reflect with shame. I see now, how if I could have just stepped back for one moment and really took a look at myself, my life would have been so different. The lives of those I loved, could have been better. “If Only” how I wished I could been different, done it better.

Self infatuation, resentment, anger, egotism, I used these things to cloud my judgment and divert me from Gods will. I allowed my selfish desires to divert me from the one true meaning I could have had in life, A true connection to my wife, my champion, my cheerleader, my source of true joy, my companion, my friend, my intimate reflection.

I would like to end my life, leaving my Legacy on this Earth as a true man, the one who reached out the hand, protected his family, Loved His God. I have lost the chance to be the first, to be the man that stood like a stone wall between my family and the rest of the world, the first to be the one that was the giver and not the taker. To be the caregiver instead of the complainer. The man who took the responsibility to maintain his own integrity, dignity and self respect. I have since learned, This is the TRUE MEASURE OF A MAN. I now want to be the great lover God wanted me to be. I would like my Tombstone to read that I went out Loving my wife and Family unconditionally.

At the beginning, when my wife discovered the true man she married, I feared she would leave me. I had so much Shame, quilt, insecurities and fears that I did not give her what she deserved, the TRUTH. It took me 18 months to spill out the man I had been to her and our family. Truly the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, FACE WHO I WAS, HAD BEEN AND DONE TO THOSE I LOVED. It is truth, complete and honest truth that has set me free, my wife free as well. Although Hard, it was the best thing I ever did as a man. I finally stood up, got real, faced myself and took responsibility for who and what I had done. A True Measure Of A Man. If you are struggling with honesty with your wife, if you fear you will be left standing alone, please put your fears to the side, tell her the truth, she deserves the choice and you deserve the freedom.

Through all of this, my wife and family have loved me unconditionally, they have shown it for the past Twenty years. She as well shows me her love everyday, even when she is mad and hurt with my past Behavior and selfishness, for it is pain I have caused and now must deal with.

I know that God loves me as he loves all his children, from the super smart to the less than smart ones, all of us the same. I can see myself at his knee and his hand on my head as he asks me how I did while I spent my time here on Earth. I know I will hang my head in shame as I tell him all that he already knows. I see him rubbing my back and telling me that it is OK, that He forgives me and I know I am loved. I was just not one of his best children, I was a little slow, I could have done better. Now, I will do better, no matter what may come my way I will be the man, I was intended to be, the man I saw myself as when I was just a little boy.

I have not known God before, nor did I believe in Him. I always thought those that did were idiots, my wife included, but as I have seen the Grace God has put in my wife’s heart through all of this and through her unwavering faith, I know there is a God.
My wife for many years tried telling me about her faith, through my laughter I rejected it. She told me after my affairs and other behavior came to light, “God is Love, Forgiveness, Peace, Joy and Freedom, He is not a puppet master pulling strings, He is a place where we can lay our burdens down, our brokenness, our pain, where His love can fill us up. A place we are never alone. He will forgive us for the things we have done and set us free. He is what gives us Grace in our hearts to Love others even when others have been Unloving to us. God is the wisdom, that we do not have.” I thank God everyday now for my wife and her undying Love and Faith in Him.

I will say the serenity Prayer Daily as it has come to mean so much to me.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

This has such a powerful meaning. I can not begin to share how much this simple prayer has meant to me. I also pray this to myself, ‘Lord I ask you into my Heart, Please forgive me my sins and please forgive those that have sinned against me.”

Today, I am determined to be the man I was always meant to be, the true measure of a man, a man who enjoys, loves, protects and encourages his wife and family, leaning on God to get him through each day.


Signed:
A SLOW LEARNER

TODAY

Well today is my two year anniversary of recieveing that phone call that changed my world. I hope you will all pray for me today and keep me in your thoughts. I truly need you thoughts, prayers and wisdom today. Thank You

Also, I want to congradulate all the women who received the free and discounted Harboring Hope courses through my blog. These were not part of the contest held through Harboring Hope, they were given out strictly through my blog. by me. Follow my blog and maybe you will be the next one to get a free course or a course at discount rates.

All of you, that are going to be taking the Harboring Hope course, please keep me posted on how you are doing and what your thoughts are.

God Bless You
Kate

A THOUGHT

This is no way a Quote for a decision in your marriage, but a thought for your life.

"ALL OF US FACE A CERTAIN DECISIONS IN LIFE THAT SEEM TO REDUCE EVERYTHING TO TWO CHOICES:

WE MAY CHOSE TO CLING TO SOMETHING THAT IS DYING......AND DIE WITH IT........OR, WE MAY CHOOSE TO RELEASE THE THING THAT IS DYING IN OUR LIVES SO WE CAN LIVE AND START OVER AGAIN."

I just thought this quote said so much about what we are all facing in our lives today.

God Bless You All
Kate

DISCOVERY DATE RELIVED

This picture was taken at the Oregon Coast and God's beautiful sunset made me realize just how magnificent God truly is.


My two year anniversary of the discovery of my husbands betrayals is just a few days away.

How could I ever forget, November 23, 2006. It was Thanksgiving night, my children and grandchildren just packing up to leave after a wonderful day. During the hustle and bustle of getting them out the door my husbands cell phone started beeping, after I told him numerous times that he had a message, I retrieved it myself.

The funny thing is I had never done this before. In all our years together I never invaded his privacy. It was his work phone, we are in construction and have always gotten many calls at night, during the weekends and on holidays. If any of you are in this business, you know there is no down time.

Because I have been involved in construction as a General Contractor, I knew the routine. Work late hours and receive a hundred calls a day, nothing there ever seemed to be out of whack. I know that some of you have checked your husband cell phone records and were able to immediately figure out something was going on. This would have been impossible for me, unless I redialed every number on his bill and even than that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere as we both talked to men and women all day long.

What I heard that night will forever ring loud and clear in my mind. "If your trying to hurt me, you did a good job, thanks a lot and have a happy Thanksgiving." I was stunned, this didn't sound like a business call to me. I hit replay and handed the phone over to my son in law, I asked him if it sounded like a business call to him, he told me not to jump to conclusions, that maybe it was a wrong number. I knew better. After all the kids were gone and my husband and I were headed off to bed, did I finally question him about it. As we walked into the bedroom, I threw his cell phone on the bed and said, "Explain the message left for you on here." He started to tell me how tired he was, I picked the phone up and replayed the message for him using his speaker phone. He immediately went into defense mode. "It must be a wrong number, I don't know who that is." So I than called his phone using our house phone so he could hear himself say, "Hi this is Wayne ____ with the name of our company, etc..." Now wouldn't someone know they had dialed the wrong number before that 2 minute speech was finished and hung up. Yes they would have, I knew he was lying, I knew that call was meant for him and I knew it was not a work call. He was so defensive, angry, saying how tired he was and just wanted to sleep so I shut up and laid down. Has he snored, I laid awake all night knowing that the next day I was ending my marriage.

When he finally woke up and got out of bed, I couldn't talk. It was Friday morning the 24th and our 18 year wedding anniversary was Sunday. He tried to talk to me, not about the phone call but about the day with the kids and how wonderful it was, but I couldn't speak, all I could do was stare out the window, thinking about the words I was going to use to ask him to leave. Suddenly, he tries to hand me a package with a card and the words "I know this is early but happy anniversary." I just shook my head no, I still couldn't speak. After a few moments he sat down on the edge of the bed and these words came out of his mouth. "I am going to tell you the truth, that phone call you heard last night was a mistake I made in the late nineties, I'm so sorry." All I could think was, late nineties to 2006, there are a lot of years here, but I couldn't speak. He tried to hug me as the tears were running down my cheeks and all I could do was shove him away, that's when my words came. "GO AWAY", that is all I could say and I spoke them over and over. He had no tears, he had no remorse, he showed nothing but self pity for himself, he knew it was over. After about 30 minutes of him trying to convince me that he made a big mistake, never had feelings for this woman, it was strictly sex and that he felt blackmailed by her, I still couldn't speak anything but "GO AWAY."

He finally did leave the bedroom, he went into the garage and started working on something like nothing happened. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my best friend of 26 years and all I could say to her was, "If I ever needed you, it would be now, please come over." She could tell I was crying and extremely upset, she kept asking me, "Whats wrong?" but I couldn't speak. She was at my house within minutes, we live about 20 miles apart, she flew over. When she got there, I still couldn't speak, I just played her the message, she was in shock. She immediately asked me what I wanted to do and all I could say was "I want him to Go Away." She went to the garage, told him she was taking me out of the house for an hour and that he needed to be gone when we got back.

I honestly think he thought I was going to let him stay, that everything was going to stay the same. In fact he told me not long ago, that it wasn't until he was driving down our driveway that it dawn on him that our marriage was done, over. That he had just lost his family. It sure didn't stop him from calling his affair partner though. He called her as he was leaving, he was both angry with her for leaving the message and crying on her shoulder about losing everything. He told her during their conversation that he did not want our marriage and would never come back, when she asked him what that meant for them, he stated, that they would continue.

That night when I got back, I called my kids and they all came over. At that time I only knew about the one affair and that is what I told my children, but than it was enough. The pain I saw in them was more than a mother should ever see in her children. I felt responsible for bring this man into their lives.

He had told them all on Thanksgiving how much he loved them, how he just wanted to say it to them in case anything ever happened to him. Now my children felt completely lied to and betrayed. My son said, "If he could treat you like that mom, there is no way he ever loved us." I hated my husband for that, hate might be putting it a little lite.

My best friend and my oldest daughter spent the night with me that night. I thank God everyday for that support.

The shock was starting to wear off and questions started entering my mind, things I should have asked my husband when he confessed but like I said I couldn't speak. I could now, so I called him. I could hear the pain in his voice, put it didn't mean anything to me. I asked him for his girlfriends name and phone number, at first he didn't want to give it to me, but after my best friend spoke with him, explaining how I had a right to answers, he give it up. Amazing how he couldn't remember her last name though. I sat up all night trying to call his girlfriend, she never answered, little did I know he had called her and told her not to answer my call.

The next day, Saturday the 25th, I made my husband come face the kids, my son refused, but he did speak with my daughters, after they were done, we spoke briefly and he left.

On Sunday our 18 year anniversary, I again had him come over, that day we talked a lot more, I removed my wedding ring from my finger and handed it back to him, I have never put it back on. The meaning is forever gone.

On Monday, I called my Pastor who is also a personal counselor for our church. After I explained what had happened over the past four days he told me to prepare myself, that I probably hadn't heard it all and that there was most likely more affairs, etc. to be told. No matter how prepared you think you are, your not. I had my suspicions early on in our marriage and it left me always wondering, but I was not prepared for what I got, for who he was, he certainly was not the man I married or loved.

I remember wanting to get into the shower and scrub all my skin off, I felt dirty for allowing this man to ever touch me. There was nothing special between us anymore. I asked my husband sometime during the first month, what he had to offer me that wasn't already used up. What did he have that was special for just me. He tried to tell me his heart, that was a joke as far I could tell, he had no heart. I felt he had nothing left to give me, nothing positive, nothing pure and nothing special. He had shared it with way to many.

Now our 20 year anniversary is coming on the 26 of November and Wayne asked me what I wanted to do, how do I want to celebrate our 20 years together. I asked him what do we have to celebrate, 2o years of marriage? Marriage is , commitment and trust, loyalty, sharing, faithfulness, a partnership and friendship, we have not had a marriage to celebrate and I was not going to celebrate signing a piece of paper that was not held sacred for more than 6 months. He said what about 20 years of knowing each other, what do you mean, knowing each other, I haven't known who you were and you have not cared or taken the time to know me, how do we celebrate that. November 26 is not a day to celebrate in anyway. It is now just another day in life. That life is over.

Although Wayne has done so much to change and I can see his changes, it is not about his changes for me anymore, it is about mine. My changes are the deciding factor if our relationship remains. If someday it works out that we can renew our vows and those vows are true and held to the highest level of commitment than I will embrace it. I try not to forecast the future as it is not here yet, I live one day at a time and thank God I have been blessed with another day. Wayne's damage is his to repair, my damage is mine to repair, but he has responsibility to help me heal, by answering my questions and being a support to me.

This time of year is forever changed my excitement for the holidays, but I know with God Grace, I will survive and I pray in time, when my anniversary dates come, that it will get easier every year. Never forgetting, never ignoring, never burying it, but by facing it and confronting it head on.

Has strong as I am, this time of year still takes my soul, my spirit and puts it to the test. I ask for your prayers and your strength and any advice on how you have managed to over come your anniversary of discovery.

I have decided to celebrate Wayne's 2 year sobriety instead of our anniversary, so we are going to a very nice place at the beach for a couple of days. 2 years of being sober is a great accomplishment and I am proud of him for achieving it.

God Bless you all, and my heart goes out to all who are facing their discovery anniversary around the holidays.
Kate

FROM ONE MAN TO ANOTHER

My husband wrote the letter below for anyone who would like to share it with their husband. From One Man To Another, please share this letter with your spouse if you would like. I think my husband did a very good job explaining what he has and is going through.
Please let me know what you think of his letter.

God Bless:
Kate


From One Man to Another

I want to put in writing, my character defects, defects I refused to believe I had, defects that were killing my spirit, my soul, as well as the spirit and soul of those I professed to love and never once stopped to look at what I was doing.



At 54 years old I was horrified to learn the kind of the man I truly was. It took losing everything, I am not talking about the material things of this life, I am talking about my dignity, my integrity, my self respect and the respect of others. Where I blamed others for my life, I found I was truly the one to blame. I started the hard, at times excruciating look into my own life, the deepest part of my core soul and what I saw was horrifying. My soul was black, I was not the man I believed I was, I pretended to be, instead I found myself to be the man I would not want my daughters, granddaughters, nieces, sisters or any woman to call husband, father, uncle, grandpa or brother. I always believed “that if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me”, because of that inner belief, I created that exact man. “Who could love a man, who has done the things I have, especially to those I said I loved.” I realized it was me that needed to change and I began the hard, at times painful work of looking in the mirror of myself, truly, honestly facing who I had allowed myself to become and began the process of change.


When asked about my choices and decisions, as I look back, they are all one way. Selfish, self centered, egotistical, needy, totally uncaring about others or what I was doing to them. I had this belief that all men were just like me, they all viewed pornography, they all masturbated, they all had affairs, they didn’t talk about their weaknesses, all men had jobs, went to work and financially supported their families and that was all they needed to do, what man needs to come home after working hard all day to hear about problems with the kids, or his wife complaining about her hard day, worse yet, want to talk about your marriage and your wife’s unhappiness. I use to tell my wife, “I brought home a paycheck, what more do you want from me.” She should have been happy with that. Never did I stop to notice all the work my wife was doing, her job, the house, the kids, the bills, taking most of the responsibilities for fixing problems or issues that arose, helping friends and family, most of all she took all of the responsibility for our marriage, trying everything to get me to engage, now I see she carried 80% of the load, never once did I stop to appreciate what she sacrificed of her own wants, needs and desires, never once did I stop to listen to her struggles as she carried all this weight of responsibility, never once did I give her credit for being a woman a husband should be proud of, never once did I thank her for her unselfish acts. All I ever did was feel sorry for myself, poor me, my needs aren’t being met, poor me, she won’t have sex with me when ever or where ever I want it, poor me, I don’t get the praise I so deserve, Poor me became the motto I lived by, and it became the very demise of my true manhood.


Let me tell you what I lost.
The innocence I had as a trusted, Husband, Father, Grandfather, son of God.
Freedom of choice.
Respect from my family, my friends.
My self integrity, dignity, self worth, self respect.
I lost the purity, the innocence my wife and I should have shared.
It cost me my legacy. What others will remember of me and who I was.
The example of what a true husband, father, friend, man, should be.
My behavior cost me years of hidden pain and destruction.
It cost my wife memories of our past, where she can no longer go and feel
happy or safe, the price is mine to carry.
I degraded myself and my family, by not loving them fully or protecting
them honestly as I promised to do, I lost the value of my word.
My selfish choices cost me so much, the pain is so deep, the self hate at
times so profound, at times I feel so hopeless, hopeless that I can truly
change, hopeless that I can repair all the damage I have caused my wife, my
family, myself. I know I am the one who created this devastation, so the
Hope of a better tomorrow is mine to inspire. There is Hope.

I wish I had stopped the Train Wreck of my life many year’s ago and focused instead on my personal behavior and how I affected those that loved me, my Wife most of all, my family, my friends, my peers at work, people that looked up to me.

18 years ago I got married for the second time and immediately, within 6 months of giving my promise to Love, Honor and Cherish, started behaving badly. I now had conquered my wife, she was a caught, other men wanted her, but I got her, yet my ego, that empty black hole in myself, wasn’t satisfied and I began to chase other women. It made me feel powerful, in control, a mans, man. I felt like a hero to all these other women. I had myself convinced that the way these other women made me feel was worth any price. Even the price of my wife’s life, my family’s life, as well as my very own life. When I married my wife, she was innocent, pure, she had kept herself for the man she would call her husband. She had told me on our first date that to her, her body was a gift, a gift she would only give to the man she loved and married. I admired that about her, that was one of the things that captivated me to her, yet four years into our marriage, I brought her home an STD, I had a doctor friend of mine convince her that her first husband could have given it to her and it just laid dormant in her body. I saw the pain in her, the humiliation and yet it didn’t stop my behavior. I knew the truth, I knew that the weekend before I had gone out and had a one night stand with a woman I had met at a bar, I knew it was me that gave my wife a disease that would be a life time sentence, yet the shame I felt still didn’t make me stop and look at myself, instead I blamed her, if she would just do her wifely duty and give me sex on demand I wouldn’t have to do what I was doing. My wife believed in making love, enjoying each other physically in a loving, caring way, all I wanted was raw, nasty sex, which always left me feeling lonely and empty in the end. I can’t imagine how lonely and empty my wife must have felt after being with me. She use to tell me how it made her feel lonely, empty and used after wards, but I didn’t care how it made her feel, I got what I wanted.
After awhile, my wife didn’t want to make love to me anymore, hugs and kisses became almost non existent. When she would hug me, kiss me or want to cuddle, I immediately started groping her, grabbing at her body parts in a very unloving manner. She would beg me to go to counseling with her, sex therapy anything to get us, our marriage help, but I always refused, I didn’t need help. I was after all, just a normal man. I can’t tell you how many times my wife wrote me letters, played me songs, begged with tears in her eyes telling me that the way I was behaving was not normal, it all feel on deaf ears, there was nothing wrong with me, it was all her. If she would only stop nagging me, stop pushing me, start appreciating the things I did, start giving me the credit I deserved for just putting up with her, if she would just give me sex, when and how I wanted all would be fine.

I was so selfish and self centered I did not have the ability to ask my wife,
What can I do to help you today.
What can I do to be your soft place to fall.
How can I make your life better.
What do you need from me, how can I bring joy into your life.
How can I lighten your load, lift your troubles away.
What dreams of yours can I help make happen.

My wife has the ability to put others needs before her own, why do I not have that as well. If my wife did not love me, she would not have cared enough to nag, beg, and plead for me to get help for myself or to better our marriage. If she hadn’t of loved me, she would of cared less what I was doing or not doing, she would have turned her back and walked away. My affair partners never cared about me enough to try and help me be a better person, they didn’t care enough to make me face the facts about my character, like lying, cheating or being an emotionally abusive person. In my distorted view, they accepted me for who I was and my wife demanded I be better. Now when I look back, I see that my wife wanted to help enhance my life, my affair partners were about enhancing their own lives, by using me to fill the holes they had in themselves, lying to me to feed my ego, while I was lying to them to feel like a hero. My wife paid the price for all of our issues. My wife, a beautiful, loving, compassionate, loyal, strong woman. This is the woman I asked to marry me, carry my last name, who vowed to love, honor and cherish me, keeping herself faithful to me and I gave her the same vows/promise and than turned my back on her. She kept her vows, why didn’t I? I married her and than threw away the person who should have been the most precious one to me. All for what?

I refused to look at my own defects, me, a Professional Project Manager, I could so manage your stuff, I could give you advice on how to live your life, what you were doing wrong, but I always refused to look at my own. Important stuff I left buried. Things from my childhood, my first marriage, I never dealt with it. I just buried it deep inside and pretended it didn’t exist, not loving myself, my wife, my family, enough to protect us all from the evils of me.

I was not the man I wanted my daughters to marry, I was not the man I wanted my sisters to marry, I was not the man I wanted my granddaughters to marry, yet this is the man I was to my wife. My wife, the greatest gift from God.

What causes a man to be so abusive to his loved ones? I look at my wife, my children and think I would likely Kill someone that harmed them and yet here I was Harming my wife, my children, my Grandchildren in unimaginable ways. What was I thinking, what will I say to God when I meet Him in Heaven and He asks how did I treat his Daughter, his special gift to me, how did I treat his other children, my children, his grandchildren, my grandchildren. I will be so ashamed; I could have done better, been better, way better. I know He will still Love me as I still love my children, grandchildren when they misbehave, I could have done better, I should have been better. I am ashamed for all the pain, unnecessary pain, I have caused to those I love and so many others.

I had a gift of a second chance given to me 2 years ago. My wife and family learned of my 9 year secret affair, as well as many other affairs, my character defects, my lack of morality, my no barriers in place mentality. I would not work on my inner defects at all, I only used my addictions to carry my burdens and excuse my behavior. I would not turn towards my wife, my special gift God gave to me to help me with my troubles, to hold me accountable to my behavior and to keep me an honorable man. Turned away from my family, those that matter the very most, I allowed myself to sink into the black hole of despair, refusing to ask for help. Instead I was abusing, using, blaming and hurting the very person that would have saved me.

I have been working hard on my character defects, trying to repair the monster holes I created in my Life. I am trying to become the man that God hoped I might be. I came from the innocence of childhood and acquired defects that affected all those around me. I had to work on me. I had to learn to turn back towards my wife, my family, God, getting my life whole, making amends for the wrongs I had done to all those I loved. The pain I have caused is deep and my shame is overwhelming. This is not the man I saw myself as being, but this is the man I am/was. My wife asked me when she found out about my pornography use, “What was the age of the youngest woman I had been with?” My wife knows that pornography is usually made using young girls who are lost and hurting, when I told her the youngest was 22 years old, she cried, “How could you use a child?” “Would you want your daughters used by a man in his 40’s or 50’s?” “22 years old, she is still a child.” I was horrified at myself, because I had never stopped to think about the age of my affair partners or the damage I created in their lives. My own daughters are older than my youngest affair partner. My wife was right, I would kill a man who harmed my daughters the way I harmed someone else’s daughter. My Shame is deep.

If I could let one man know, if I could spare his family the pain, devastation and shame I created in my own family, in my own life, I would yell, a heart felt scream, Stop, don’t do this, don’t hurt your precious wife, family or others. Don’t degrade yourself, don’t give up your integrity, your dignity, your self worth for something that will never fill that empty hole inside of you. Instead, turn towards your wife, trust in her, if she didn’t care about you or love you, she wouldn’t care what kind of man, person, human being you are, she is there because she loves you and she wants you to be the best man, person, human being you can be. Remember what it felt like to have your wife lay her head on your shoulder, how special it made you feel. When you fell down in life and she was there to help pick you up, loving you through it all. Where you are a safe place for her to share her feelings, her thoughts, her dreams and the pride you feel when you look in the mirror and see the man you know you are and want to be, a good, faithful, loving husband and father. I have learned through my own selfishness, the hardest lesson in life, A TRUE MAN IS DEFINED, NOT BY HIS JOB, NOT BY MATERIAL POSSESSIONS, BUT BY HOW HE TREATS HIS FAMILY, THE GREATEST GIFTS WE HAVE IS OUR WIFE AND CHILDREN, by the legacy we leave behind, that lives on through them.
I remember the feeling I got when my children crawled up into my lap and I wanted to protect them from everything that would harm them, protect them from anything evil, yet I was the most evil of all.

Addictions, now there is a word. Shame on us, any of us, to use the excuse of an addiction to harm someone else, shame on the purveyors of Addictions, Tobacco, Drugs, Alcohol, Sex and other’s. Shame on us for allowing other people, things, any foothold on our weaknesses, taking away our valuable time, our attention, diverting us, using us for their own ends. I wish I could have had the strength to have turned towards my wife, my life, setting the bar higher, not allowing another person, an obsession, an addiction to take my time and energy.

Please Men, Listen to what I have learned. Before you take that step, before you make a decision that will destroy your good name, your imprint on you and your family’s life, treat them the way you yourself would want to be treated.

Now that I have discovered my own character defects, I began doing the very things my wife had been begging me to do for years. I started going to counseling, my Pastor told me that some men spend their youth and most of their adult life turning away from their wives, while our wives have been reaching out to us for years, trying to bring us, their husbands, into a better, stronger, more loving relationship. After years of being turned away, we Men sometimes finally wake up to see what we have been missing, sometimes by than it is to late, our wives have grown tired of begging to know us, to be close to us and they begin to turn away, we have left them lonely and empty for so long they know longer trust or even want a relationship with us, now who is to blame for this, us men. Now that we have decided we want our family, our family has gotten use to us not being there and they don’t need or maybe want us anymore. And we wonder why?

I sought out my affair partner’s over my 18 year marriage to make me feel good about myself, using them and not caring one thing about their needs, only using them for my own ends, abusing daughters of God.

My behavior was affecting my wife in an emotional way and also erupted into a physical way as well. We all know what day to day stress can do to a person in just an everyday way, I can only imagine what my horrible attitude and behavior must have had on my wife, her well being. She started withdrawing, hurting inside, hurting outside, full of pain, despair, loneliness. I wish I could do it all over again. I would do it different. We all say that after the consequences of our actions bite us in the butt. Affairs never work out, statistics even back that up, and they are just wrong. There is nothing that anybody could use as an excuse to say that an affair is OK. There is nothing that our spouse could say or do that would make us have an affair, having an affair is strictly a character defect. There are just too many other things that can be done before you have an affair, like talking to your spouse about how you are feeling, go to counseling, get help, or end your marriage. Having an affair steals time away from you and your spouse, time that can never be replaced. As my wife says, “I get one chance at life and you just took 18 years of it away from me, Why?, if you didn’t love me, why didn’t you set me free to find someone who would?” She is right, but honestly, I didn’t want to set her free, because she filled other needs of mine, again selfish, self centered me. I can not change the past, but I can change my future. I have turned back towards my wife. I thank God everyday for her Grace in allowing me the opportunity to really learn what unconditional love is truly all about.
I want you to know how I was encouraged to change my future, accepted the depression of losing my behavior, opening my mind to accepting the love from my wife even though I did not accept her love at times. I am learning, slowly at times, what true love really is by my wife’s actions. Love is a choice not a physical feeling or moment by moment feeling. Love is an action, an everyday action, putting my wife first and foremost, over my needs, my employers’ needs, and worldly needs. Putting God above all else, loving me, my wife, and my family. Accepting my weaknesses, allowing myself to feel loved by being completely, open and honest about who I truly am.

I have learned that loving my wife, loving God, respecting my wife’s boundaries and that holding me accountable is an act of love. I have accepted that I was wrong. I was 120% responsible for my actions, my choices, my decisions. I have tried to be understanding and accept my wife’s soul anger, her words, she has paid the price of my choices way too long. I have tried to not be defensive as I have no defense. I have no Moral Template that would stand up under scrutiny, under observation. There is no accepting my behavior, nothing should have allowed me to abuse my wife this way, taking away her freedom, stealing her love and not giving back anything in return.

To remain in my wives life, she has set many boundaries, but the most important is that I get and remain healthy. I attend counseling twice monthly, I go to group twice weekly, my words and behavior must stand side by side. I must be honest and open with everything in my life. I must be accountable to my time and whereabouts. My wife loves me and wants me to be the best I can be and that is true love. One thing I know, my wife will set me free to be anyone I want to be, if my old behavior is what I want to define me, she will open the door and wish me well, but to remain in her life, in the life of my children, I will have to bring positive, good qualities into their life’s. Truthfully, she is asking so little of me, “BE A GOOD MAN, A MAN OF HONOR,” which is what I should have always been. In return for being the man she requires, I receive the greatest gift, blessing of all, a great life, a wonderful wife and a loving family. It has been right in front of me the whole time, everything I always wanted and needed, I just didn’t know how to appreciate and accept it.

I never saw myself as changing or even needing to change. Working on myself, my character was something I never thought I would do. Now, I wish I would have worked on my life, my entire life. I never believed in God, my wife has always had God in her life, I use to laugh at her belief but now I embrace it. I know there is truly a God and that He has forgiven me for all the bad things I have done. Its forgiving myself that I have the hardest time with. How can I ever forgive myself for all the pain and heartache I caused my wife and family? How can I ever forgive myself for the damage I have done to so many others. My wife says that forgiving ourselves for our failures is a life time journey, I believe she is right.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have a wife that is giving me a chance for reform, to become a better man. This is a true act of Unconditional Love. As long as I stay on the path I am on today she will stand beside me and support me, she encourages me everyday to be the man I want to be, the man I wish I would have always been. Yes, she still gets angry once in a while, how can I really blame her, I would be very angry to, if it were reversed. In fact, I believe I would not be as strong as my wife, I don’t know if my wife would have done and said the things I did, that I could forgive and love her through it. She is truly an amazing woman. Don’t get me wrong, I know if my wife even suspects I have gone back to my old ways, she will leave me, this is not a threat from her, it is a promise and my wife is a woman of her word. The price of what I would lose for a momentary ego boost is to high a price. I only wish someone would have told me what I am telling you. TURN TOWARDS YOUR WIFE, LOVE HER UNCONDITIONALLY, MAKE HER PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE AND EVERY NEED, EVERY DESIRE YOU HAVE WILL BE MET, I PROMISE YOU THIS. DON’T LIVE IN DECEIT AND DARKNESS, LIVE YOUR BEST AND FULLEST LIFE, IN HONESTY, BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE. DEFINE YOUR LIFE BY LOVING YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY. BE THE MAN THAT GOD INTENDED YOU TO BE, THE MAN I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE.

I feel so much better now that I am walking free of my lies and secrets. I feel this weight gone from my shoulders, the black ooze lifted away, working on my marriage is empowering, uplifting, wholesome. I am so encouraged to work on my life, my marriage.

My marriage was truly the last thing I wanted to work on, in my mind I had made my wife my enemy, my roommate, believing that if she ever discovered my behavior I would end our marriage, I had myself convinced that I had never loved her, she was a mistake, that I had married the wrong woman, she wasn’t the woman I thought her to be. I was wrong, it was me, I wasn’t the man I thought I was, I had married the right woman and I created the barriers between us and now I have to remove them. She was not my enemy, but I certainly was hers. It has been two years now since my wife discovered who the man was she really married. It has been a very long hard journey the past two years, at times so hard I even thought of giving up but when I look at my wife now, I am overcome by the love and admiration I have for her. What a gift God gave me, my beautiful wife.

TO BE TRULY LOVED, YOU MUST BE TRULY KNOWN

God Bless You and I hope you realize that I think the hard work is worth it, because I think I am worth it, my wife and my family is worth it. My brother, you are worth it. LOVE THE GREATEST GIFT YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE HERE ON EARTH, YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY.



Wayne