The most excruciating pain you could ever imagine just happened to you. You just discovered that your spouse, husband/wife had been cheating on you. The relationship you once thought you had, is now gone. Your emotions are running out of control.
What are you going to do? Fear begins to over take you, your suddenly afraid your losing everything you worked, sacrificed for. Suddenly your whole world and if you have children, their world to, is turned upside down.
Who you thought you were, you know longer recognize and the one you love and gave your life to, is a stranger. The pain becomes so extreme at times you just can't bare it.
Who do you tell? Who would you run to? What if you tell someone and they judge you, suddenly what your spouse has done is your fault? What do you do when you feel like the pain is never going to end? Who do you trust?
What if you know but your spouse doesn't confess? Or they do confess but won't talk to you, won't answer your questions, or worse yet, blames you? Do you call the other woman/man?
How do you ever respect your spouse again? Can you ever trust or respect them again? Do you separate, file for divorce or stay? What do you do to heal from such devastation? Do you know, what you would do?
10 comments:
So as for me I would respond with this... I don't know what I would. I would hope that I could hold it together enough for myself and my kids so that my future whether with him or without him is one I deserve and one my children deserve. I think the questions that were raised here are not only legitimate but very emotionally engaging. They cause you look at an unforseeable and life altering situation with perspective. Which is something that would be challenging for me in the midst of such a crisis. I would hope for the strength as well as courage to step one foot in front of the other with my head held high and without regret. There is a lesson in everyone of life's challenges so I would hope to get a good grasp of what that lesson is so as to move forward... perferably without him. No one would choose to drink from a toxic well.
Who do you tell? For me I told no one I know in real life. I did not desire other peoples opinions/advice, etc. It would have been nice to have had support and someone to just be there and encourage me, but I know too many humans, and all of them cannot just do that, they have to get into it and make it about them, not about you. I sought a BAN group and a counsellor, these are the only others I have spoken to in real life and even that has been extreemly limited. I belong to an online group of others who are in the same spot as me. They do not judge, they know the truth for they have lived it and they know that the betrayed spouse is never the cause of the wayward spouses adultery. The world will tell you otherwise though because the world does not want to take responsibility for its actions it like to blame shift.
When I feel like the pain is never going to end, I journal, I go online, I read, I do things with my kids, and I just think and think and think some more.
Who do I trust? No one but myself. Trust is not real, no one can be trusted, there is no way to know how someone will react or respond in life and it is irresponsible to place my trust in them. I have faith and that is what I rely on, no more trust for me.
Mine confessed, and will talk, so I cannot answer these from that point of view. Mine does not blame me directly, but will pull the woe is me card, the I feel so guilty that I cannot help you card. Sometimes I just do not say anything and sometimes I call him on it, depends on my currents state of mind at the time. In my situation the other women are irrelevant, if they were an issue, I believe I would only contact them if they continued to interfere in my life, but my problem is not with them, it is with my H, he could have said no, they did not force him.
How to respect/trust. I look at my H and see him as a whole, not just his negative, but also the good parts and I see the things he is working on and the positive changes he has made and I respect those things that are respectable in all fairness. I will never trust my spouse again though for the reasons listed before.
I stayed, my H confessed and was remorseful and is trying to do what he needs to grow and mature. That said, it is not easy. I have to face it daily. My whole life is changed. My whole past is different than I thought it was. I now have to deal with issues and pain and problems that I did not create or chose to have happen. It is my choice to stay though and I behave accordingly, I am not a victim, I can leave if I chose.
What do I do to heal? I read alot. I try to talk to my H. I try to put in practice what I read, try to be more open and expressive. Try to voice my opinions. I saw a counsellor for a few sessions but did not feel it was helping me specifically and it was way more work to find a sitter and such not to mention expensive, another cost that I have to pay even though the infidelity has stopped, the price seems to continue on with compounded interest.
Do you know what you would do? I did not know what I would do. I was totally blindsided. I never would allow myself to entertain the thoughts that my H could be unfaithful, I thought he was better than that, I respected him too much, I treated him better than he was, I had no idea the depth of the darkness in him cause I would only see the light.
My husband used prostitutes for 25 years. I discovered 13 months ago and since then he has abstained from all his addictive behaviour. How come if he was addicted he could just stop when he was found out? Why couldn't he stop years ago, knowing that the behaviour was wrong. Why did he start, knowing that the behaviour was wrong?
I suspected almost from day one, but he made me feel paranoid and I started to believe that I was the one with the problem. I started visiting therapists years ago trying to fix myself.
My husband is attending SAA, seeing a therapist, reading recovery material. He's a changed man. He's addressed his distorted thinking and is at long last becoming the man he should always have been. He's devastated at the hurt he's caused, also at the years of his own life he's thrown away.
I'm angry. Very angry. Angry at him of course, but also angry at myself for not following my instincts and leaving the marriage years ago. Angry for still being here now. Had anyone said to me that I'd still be here after all the revelations I wouldn't have believed it.
To be able to continue with my life and marriage in a healthy way I need to find the path to forgiveness. I'm a long ways off that right now. Even if I walk away from this relationship - 41 years in total - I need to heal myself in order to find some peace.
Thank you all so much for your comments:
Patti's comment about learning a lesson in the mist of a crisis is true. If we don't learn from heartache and pain, than we carry it with us into our future. I know I don't want to carry any of this baggage forward. The load is to heavy and I have learned if I don't drop it, I will fall. I truly hope that NO ONE drinks from the well of others, toxic or not, we all need to drink from the well of our own life's,keeping our own wells toxic free of hatred, anger, resentment and unforgiveness.
Grace; I pray for your marriage daily and I pray for yours and your husbands personal healing. The everyday battle of thoughts and images can wear us down and when that happens everything around us starts coming down as well. I am sorry you don't feel safe enough to share with family or friends about the journey you are now on, but I understand. Judgments from others can be harass and painful. What I remind myself of when others decide to tell me how stupid I am for choosing to love my husband and choosing to stand beside him, is if they were to look into their own mirror, if they honestly and openly looked at their own lives and if their own secrets were known, because we all have issues and have made some bad decisions concerning our behavior, all of us, everyone walking this planet, maybe they wouldn't judge others. Amazingly I know people who have done exactly what my husband has done and they still judge my husband, all that tells me is that they rationalize their own behavior as not being as bad has my husbands, to them, he's worse than they are. This is not true of course, but I guess it allows them to live with themselves , their choices/behavior. I have empathy for them, just imagine the baggage they carry and how it is affecting everyone in their life. Its just so sad.
I am so very proud of you for seeing all aspects of your husbands character, the good and bad. I had such a hard time with that since my husband started his cheating so early on in our marriage. I truly couldn't find anything good in him. But once I started focusing on me and found the good qualities in me, that I admired in me, did I than realize that I could move forward with him or without him and that the choice was mine. This journey we are on is a very hard journey, with allot of work on ourselves and when we keep the focus on ourselves , wonderful things can happen in our life's.
Mags; One thing I can say to you is this, the decision on whether my marriage stays together or falls apart is not based on whether my husband gets healthy anymore. My decision on staying or going is based upon my own changes. My husband can do all the right things now, he can change his behavior and become the man he should have always been, although that is great and wonderful, I can not base my choice on my marriage just on his changes. My decision to stay or go is strictly based on my own changes, in my life. Since all of this has happened in my life I have become a different woman with a whole new set of boundaries and accountability rules for others to even participate in my life and that includes my husband. Now that I am getting healthier, happier, more at peace with who I am, those around me are starting to see that what I use to tolerate, what I use to hand cheap forgiveness to, what I use to justify and excuse away as bad choices or behavior on their part, I know longer will. Now when someone steps across one of my boundaries, they have to stand accountable to me for it. I know that if my husband steps across that line again, if he disrespects me again, I will be gone and I will walk away a stronger, more powerful woman. A woman who has been blessed with a powerful lesson, one in which I got the opportunity to learn from, personally grow, dropping baggage from my past and walking into a future that only I can make lighter and brighter. I can achieve this with or without my husband, the choice is mine.
If we ever stop learning, If we ever stop growing personally. If we never face life's challenges, how can we ever know how incredible and strong we are as women.
Someone once said to me, "If I ever stop learning about life, I might as well be dead." I believe if we stop learning and growing we are already dead, in soul and spirit.
I want to live, really, really live.
Forgiveness is a process and at times feels like you'll never truly be able to forgive. Remember, forgiveness is about you. It took me a long time to figure out that I had to forgive everything, every lie, every betrayal, every bad thing he said, one by one. I still have things on my list that I have not forgiven, but I am still working towards forgiveness.
I set down and made a list of all the lies, betrayals, etc...and it took over 27 pages, I am sure there are still more that I don't know about, but what I do know is enough and I have started from the beginning and have been moving through the pages on step at a time. One lie at a time. This may take me the rest of my life to get through, but I won't allow it to take my life.
I hope you will all keep me updated on your process, and consider going to the link I have posted on this blog, Affair Recovery Center. They offer miracles for our marriages and our own personal life, after we have been betrayed so undeserving.
Kate
Kate
Thank you for your response. I'm working at the moment on forgiving myself - I've blamed myself for so much over the years. I don't consider myself to be sin free, I take responsibility for my part in making my life miserable at times. I brought a lot of baggage to my marriage from an abused childhood. Once I've forgiven myself I'll work on forgiveness for my husband. Forgiveness can't be learnt, it has to be felt. I discovered the difference recently - I used to say I forgave my mother for all the years of abuse she dished out to me but I just used to say the words. Since the discovery that my husband is a sex addict I've truly understood how my mother used to feel - my father was a serial adulterer. Okay, she was the parent, I was the child, she should never have vented her frustration and anger on me, but I truly forgive her. Truly feeling that forgiveness sets me free.
What to do? That is the million dollar question. One day you want a divorce, the next you want to die, the next you are in love with him and the cycle spins out of control over years. I have been dealing with this horrible nightmare since 2001 and continued to go through more affairs and other isssues that my "husband" has ever since!(last one 11/07). Counseling, classes,etc.. been there done that! I am at the point now of hoplesness and that the pain will never end and the trust will never be regained(although never really had it to begin with). So, my question now is... when is the end of my cycle? When do I stop the co dependancy of this so-called marriage? I need to break free finally and find a life that I deserve, but here's the thing, I actually love him. Go figure!! Do I stay a be miserable or do I leave and be miserable?
To mom4life,
I hope you don't mind, but after reading your comment I had a couple of thoughts. You're patience is amazing. I know you've reflected the very grace of God to your husband. At the same time I believe that LOVE ACTS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE OTHER PERSON. I have trouble understanding how your continuing to respond with enabling behaviors is in his best interest. Frequently our pain causes a great deal of confusion and we lose sight of the root of our responses. When someone has problems acting in the best interest of another it's usually not based in love for the other person, rather it can be based in our own desperate need to be loved. If the problem is in our own need to be loved, (and who doesn't have that need?) then it's really not about love it's really about our own woundedness. If that's your case then the answer lies in you personally growing closer to the source of love and allowing God reveal your true Once you begin to heal then you'll have the necessary strength to love him.
Hope that helps.
Rick Reynolds
Mom4life;
I am wondering why it is that you feel you have to be miserable either way?
Truthfully, I don't think you have to be. Its a choice you can make.
Whether you stay in your marriage or not. Take your eyes off of your husband, your marriage and place them on you. Keep them on you.
I believe that most of us think, that we have to be divorced before we can think about our own lives. This is not true thinking. We can stay married, stay committed and stay focused on ourselves.
If you start thinking about your life, what it is that you want, what will make you happy, what it is that you need. Look into your spirit, your soul. Look into your life and start working on your own happiness, your own peace, your own security, stop running from what you fear and start facing your fears head on. You will be amazed at just how much better you will feel and just how much others around you will start to get on board with you. When we stay focused on someone else, they own us. They will own everything about you, right down to your very soul. Thats when the darkness hits, thats when the fears start to get to scarey, thats when we start to feel insecure, the list goes on. When we focus on ourselves, we own us, we decide our own level of fear, our own sadness, happiness, etc.
Someone else does not make us depressed or miserable. Unless, we allow them to, unless we have given them our lives.
When we give someone else our life, its like an addiction. We begin to believe we can't live without them. We would be lost if they left. We worry about things that haven't even happened yet. Negative things creep into our minds. Think about this, how many negative thoughts do you have during the day, night? Now how many positive thoughts?
WHO OWNS YOU?
When we own our own life. We are free. Positive thoughts will out weigh the negative. If someone was to leave us, we know we'll be okay. When we focus on ourself than we have the security to know that we will live without them. We don't worry about what might happen, because we know we can handle it. We don't reflect to the past pain, because we work through it and we know we are strong because of it.
Mom4life, Focus on You. You deserve it. You don't have to be miserable. Grab your own life back. Run through the goal posts and celebrate the victories of your life. Believe it or not, there is a victory in all of this and it might be as simple as you getting to know you again.
Bless You
Kate
I really don't get what you are saying although I do appreciate the heart of where it is coming from. I never had a life so I don't really know how to get it back. Fear has ruled me for so long that it has actually become a friend of mine. Fear to me is different than it is to maybe the rest of the world. Everything in me hears what peole share with me, I read books and understand what the words mean, I go to group and I feel the compassion of everyones story, BUT!!! I JUST REALLY DON'T GET HOW TO GET OVER THIS!! Why in the world would I want to not let go of this pain? Or better yet, why can't I? It plays in my head like a movie all day long everyday no matter what I do to try and stop it. Am I the only one out here that this is happening to???
Dear Mom4life,
I read your painful story and the comments. One way to get the life that you are wanting is to ask ....ask God ...who is the LORD to help you ...Ask for HELP to understand what you read as you go into the Bible expecting that if GOD made a tree ...and He inspired the things written in the Bible then ask HIM to show you what HE is saying ...
Not just about your situation but what HE wants to get through to you ...in your heart...
Just read ..with expectation ...read aloud if you must to override the thoughts...
It is amazing what help this brings...and the way HE will open up your understanding if you are willing to open up your heart for HIM to teach you .
Jesus Christ IS the WORD and is SPIRIT and HE will respond as you show Him the honor of considering His words...
He loves you and has been betrayed ..and even tells us before hand the things we will experience in this life in this world ...but His answers are hopeful for those who are seeking to know HIM and all that He has set before us to build our trust in Him and his loving intentions ...
Here is prayerful hope for you from one who is in the midst of it as well...sorrow is not the end of the story for those who hope in Him.
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