THE OTHER WOMEN

The other person, man/woman in an affair can be a complex person to understand. I have read on other forums how the betrayed spouse wants to or has confronted the OM/OW. I have been asked what I thought, should they be contacted. I am going to write down my journey, what it was that I needed to do to help with my own closer. Some of you will judge me, some of you will think I got the ultimate revenge and others of you will just understand why I did what I did. (LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS, UNLESS YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH AND SKILL TO COMPLETELY TAKE IT FOR WHAT IT IS, CLOSURE FOR YOU.)


If you have read my story, than you know there were many Other Women in my husbands life. Some with whom I knew personally. When I finally was able to get their names from my husband, at least all the names he could remember, I called each and every one of them. Here is what happened on those calls.


1.) Mrs. Taylor, Yes this was a married woman who had gotten her husbands approval to sleep with my husband early on in our marriage. They were swingers. When I called her, she laughed at me, telling me that it had happened so long ago, that my husband might be a "cheat" but at least he was not a "liar". I completely kept my composer. I got NO apology, there was no remorse, no guilt. Her and my husband had only had sex once and all I could do was feel sorry for her. What a pathetic way to live, hurting others. At that moment that door closed for me. You can not give morals to someone who does not have even a small portion of morals. She laughed throughout our entire conversation. This affair took place just 6 months into our marriage. This conversation took place after discovery.


2.) Carla: This is the one who denied everything. Nothing happened, my husband loved me, talked about how great his family was. My husband would never do anything to hurt any of us. They never had sex, only meals together. They were just friends. Talked at work. She knew everything about my life and my husbands life before me. This conversation took place with in the first 6 months of our marriage. I choice to believe her, not my husband, but this woman. This was his first affair partner on me. Had she of told me the truth than, I could have saved myself years of pain and heartache. Remember, if you talk to the Other person, they will LIE! Be careful as to what you believe and who you believe is telling the truth.


3.) Tracy: This was one of my ex employees. She was going through a divorce and had three children, I was helping her by paying rent and day care when I could. We than gave her a job on our construction site. This affair took place about 5 to 6 years into our marriage. I did not know about this affair either until after discovery. In fact this was the last one my husband told me about. I have video's of this woman, mixed in with family functions now. Of course I was going to call her. She is a prostitute in Las Vegas, she has not seen her children in 12 years, she has a drug problem. Her life must absolutely be horrible. Her and my husband had sex one time. According to both stories. She did apologize to me, she had remorse, only because I was her friend. I forgave her, I even offered to help her change her life. Nothing came of that offer.


4.) Roxanne: This woman had a 3 year affair with my husband. She to was married, is still married to the same husband. Their affair ended in 1997, only because my husband left a message on the windshield of her car asking if she needed her kitchen remodeled, her husband retrieved the message and it scared her to death, she did not want to lose her marriage. She told me she never knew my husband was married until I came to the job site one day. After she found out he was indeed married, she said they had sex twice afterwards. She told me that she had lost her mother and her husband was not supportive, that my husband made her feel better about herself at the time, after it ended, it has haunted her, she has to live with the fear of her husband finding out. She said my husband was a horrible person and that she felt like she was now on his level in this life. She started crying, apologizing, begging me to forgive her. "It was the biggest mistake of my life." "I wish I could go back and undo what I did." Her remorse was all I needed, once I had that, I was able to shut that door. She told me that my husband never said a word about me, not one negative or positive word. During their affair, my husband was working out of town, I would take time to plan surprises for him, like go to a motel where he was working, call him up and give him clues to find me. After discovery, I found out how after I would leave, he would call her to come over. He begged her to come, she never did. The knowledge of that, now takes away all the memories of those times. They once were special and wonderful memories. Now they will live forever in the Trash compartment of my mind.


5.) Maryann: This was a 7 month affair in 2004. While my husband was working on a Skiing Resort, he met this woman at the bar in the small town he was staying in. I had moved up there with him to start with, but my gut kept telling me that something was very wrong and I went home and stayed. Within a few days of my leaving he was with her. When I spoke with her, she to was remorseful, apologized, she said my husband was empty and did nothing for her. She was in her early 30's my husband in his 50's. She was my/our daughters age. She told me some of the things my husband said about me. She as well told me about another lady up there named Katrina that wanted to talk to me, I told Maryann to give her my number. I was able to close the door to this woman as well. When you hear true remorse or heartfelt apologies it is so much easier to forgive, let go, understanding how my husband manipulated every woman around him.


6.) Cindy; I never spoke to Cindy directly. She worked for the company that did our payroll, back in 1994 to 1997. I spoke with her ex boss, Elaine, who I knew well. Elaine told me that it was the gossip of the office. That none of the women in there liked my husband, they thought he was a pig. He hit on every woman in there and they all talked about telling me, they just never had the heart to do it. How I have wished they would have. I could hear them saying, "the poor thing" whenever I left the office. Elaine told me that Cindy was married at the time of her and Wayne's affair, that she had a great husband and they all really liked him. Cindy divorced him, during her affair with my husband and it broke his heart. Elaine informed me that Cindy had remarried and divorced, her life now is extremely messed up and that has far as she was concerned, it started with my husband and him manipulating Cindy into divorcing her first husband. Cindy's kids were neglected after that by her, it was sad and hard for them to watch. I have now been able to forgive her and close that door.

It amazed me just how many others knew about my husband. He thought he was so sneaky, so good at what he was doing that these other women were telling no one else, they were guarding their secret. Yet, in reality, a lot of other people knew. The only one it was kept secret from was ME.



The benefit of me talking to these women? To let them know, I now knew. I did not name call, I did not get angry, I did not in any way try to make them feel guilty, I did not do it for any reason other than, I wanted them to know, I knew. I as well wanted to know what kind of women had been in my life without me knowing it. I got to understand how they were manipulated in the same way I was, the only difference was he ask me to marry him. I guess in some way, I saved one of them from going through what he had put me through. He most likely would have married one of these other women had he not already been married. Not for love, just for someone to use, someone to be there for him, picking up after him, cleaning up his messes, I was just the unlucky victim who said YES! For my YES, I received, herpes, years of emotional abuse, possibility of AIDES, lies and more lies, absolutely NO appreciation for all I had done. No support during hard times in my life. For my Yes, I received nothing positive, sacred, good, honorable. I received Emptiness, loneliness, cruelty, laughs behind my back, my life was made into a joke.


The women I spoke with above, were just a pin drop into all the women my husband was with, all his one night stands, etc...,to me they are nameless victims of his. This is something HE has to live with now, not me.


There is one more woman in this mix. This woman was my husbands, 9 year affair partner. 9 years out of 18, one half of my "pretend" marriage, (as she called it), was given to her. I am going to share this story with you a little differently and will be coming on another post. I have so much to enlighten you with on an affair partners mind. If you are wondering what kind of person can be the other man or woman in an affair with someone who is married, I may be able to help you understand it through the messages I received from this woman.

Please keep this in mind if you are wanting or planning on speaking with the affair partner. You WILL be lied to. You WILL hear very negative things about you, these will be stories and lies your spouse shared with them and it will hurt. Hang On to your anger, keep it in check, if you call and immediately start yelling and name calling, if you want them to have remorse you may not get it, if you try to make them feel guilty they will get defensive and you will get NO WHERE. If speaking with the other person is something you feel you must or have to do to bring closure for you, do it, but keep your dignity, your integrity. Even if they say hurtful things to you, keep your head up and remember, they have been hurt and their anger is coming from their own pain. YES, I agree with you, they did this to themselves, but that is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. Do not do or say something you will regret down the road. Here is one more very important bit of advice, DO NOT GIVE OUT ANY PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF OR YOUR MARRIAGE, EVEN IF YOU HEAR SOMETHING YOU KNOW IS UNTRUE, JUST TAKE THE INFORMATION FOR WHAT IT IS AN LET IT GO, DO NOT DEFEND IT, IF THEY CAN GET YOU UPSET, IF YOU LET THEM SEE YOU ANGRY, YOU WILL MAKE THEM BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING YOUR SPOUSE SAID ABOUT YOU IS TRUE AND THEY WILL JUSTIFY THE AFFAIR USING YOUR BEHAVIOR. BE CALM, BE STRONG, ASK QUESTION, GIVE NO ANSWERS, DO NOT LET YOUR ANGER OR PAIN SHOW, KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO ASK PRIOR TO SPEAKING WITH THEM, DO NOT GO INTO IT WITHOUT PRE PLANNING, BUT MOSTLY, STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF!

IT IS NOT SELFISH

It has been quite awhile since I have posted here on my blog. The reason is because I needed time to reline myself with me. I had discovered how easily I was being distracted from my own healing and growth. I was suddenly being bombarded by emails. Everyone it seemed was wanting me to answer questions they had. I am certainly no expert, I am just a woman who has walked through the fire and brimstone of adultery. It is at times a gut wrenching, absolute core exhausting journey of discovery, not only into my marriage but also into myself. I personally believe there is no greater lesson taught, than the lessons we learn through infidelity.

I have discovered that I need to make sure I live by the three C's rule: Remembering that I,
have not CAUSED my husbands issues, I have no CONTROL over it and I most certainly can not CURE him.

There is a big difference in healing from an affair, than healing from sex addiction. When you discover your spouse has been unfaithful, it changes your world, if it only happened once, you can look back at times where no infidelity took place and remember the man/woman they were to you than. When you are a spouse of a sex addict, there is no looking back, PERIOD. You truly discover you DID NOT know, have NEVER known who they are/were. The looking back for a spouse of a sex addict is extremely painful. Painful to the extreme that you can not find a moment of where there was truth in your marriage, your dream. All the sacrifices, the love, the hope, all the plans for your future, were yours and were never going to be carried out to the end. The forever, was never going to be.

When asked by someone how long my husband and I have been married, he will immediately respond with 20 years. Not me, not any longer. I had to finally understand and face the truth, my husband, was not my husband and I was not his wife. Legally, YES! Spiritually, NO! Marriage is a vow given, a promise, your word to love, honor and cherish. In my marriage, that never took place. He did not keep his word for more than 6 months. I was living a married life, as a single woman. What I say now when someone asks me, is I am just getting to know him, although legally wed 20 years ago, we have not been married. Of course I get the funny looks, but I can actually laugh at it now. I owe NO ONE an explanation of my life.

I am now (LOOKING IN THE MIRROR OF MY LIFE), My beliefs, My actions, My needs, My desires, My hopes, My wants, My health, and My world. Some will tell me how selfish I am. I have learned, this is the LEAST selfish someone can be. When we are healthy and happy with who we are, we can LOVE others, honestly and openly. We can FORGIVE with a true forgiveness. We can ENJOY others around us and bring positive things into their lives. When we live in the dark, such as I was living after my wedding 18 years ago, maybe longer. We can not Love, Forgive or bring Enjoyment to our lives, yet alone someone Else's. My mother's, views or belief is you forgive, you just flat forgive and get on with it. In her opinion that is what Christ wants us to do. I believe God calls us to Forgive, he does not call us to just accept and get on with it.

I have struggled with my FAITH, so much the past few months. If what my mother said is true, forgive and just get on with it, I did not want to be a Christian anymore. PERIOD ! If I am worshipping a God who would want me to be abused over and over, than what kind of GOD am I worshipping. If I am worshipping a God where judgement, cruelty and just flat mean spiritless actions is okay, who am I exactly worshipping? My God loves me, He loves me and when I love someone, I want the very best for them, I want them to strive in this life, achieve Joy and Peace, be loved and appreciated by others, not used and abused. When we allow people that abuse us into our lives, they steal from us and what they steal is PRICELESS. Our Joy, Our Peace, Our Self Love. This is where my personal walk with Christ has come into play, I no longer completely believe has my mother taught me. Love and forgive unconditionally while remaining right beside the abuser, no matter how many times they offend, you keep going back for more, NO! I believe now that I am to Love unconditionally, with boundaries and if those boundaries are crossed I am to hold them at a distance, so they can not steal from me. To me, there is a big difference in the People of Christ time and those of mine. Saints walk a little differently now. Sin is so wide spread in the world now, it is every where, TV, Radio, Magazines, Game players, Cell phones, Computers, the list goes on. I can only imagine what my grandchildren will face. As the world changes, so must we. We have to stand, stronger with more armor, we must grow with wisdom continually, we must be careful who we allow into our lives. We have to hold those who harm us accountable. No one should steal our Joy, our Peace. That is how we as Christians should show Gods Grace, His Love, is through our lives and how we live it.

When I see people now and I see the misery in them. When I hear their voices of judgement. When they speak with gossip. When they take advantage of and use others for their own purpose and they call themselves Christians, I want to run from Faith. A Faith I believed in for 51 years. It is called Hypocrisy! The deadliest Sin of all. I believe that Christ is calling us to:

Love, with a firm hand.
Stand on stone, not on sand.
Be true to who you are, Christ does His best work through the brightest star.
Forgive, do not forget, forgetting will lead to regret.
To be God's human Temple, you must make your life simple.
Do not stand with Judgement, Anger and foolish Pride, instead let Joy and Peace be your guide.
Christ is seen in a joyful, peaceful heart, do not let the wars of life take that apart.
Beware of what you hear, look and say, there will be a judgement day.
To be forgiven we must forgive, through our Grace, Christ does LIVE.
What I know for absolute fact, is that I must love myself before I can love back.

When we are beaten down, we can not live our greatest life. My Christ is calling me to Live My Greatest Life. That means with Joy, Peace, and Love. To offer someone a healthy person, to offer them, Joy, Peace and Love, we must have it for ourselves first. That is not selfish. That is true Love, for ourselves, others and Christ.

To Love, we must first receive Love. Let Christ Love You and Learn to Love Yourself Unconditionally. It is NOT selfish.