Friday, August 28, 2009

PERSONAL GROWTH

Although I am 3 years out from discovery, I still have my days. My down days are different now though. They are not about Wayne or his behavior anymore, they are not even about him relapsing. Truthfully, I can not even remember the last time I felt hurt, angry or upset about his issues, in fact we can even both laugh at times about it. My down days now are more about my own stuff. Me, Myself and I. I must say I do not like it.

I have days where I do not feel like I am a good partner, or even want to be. I have days where I do not feel like I am a good mother or grandmother, friend or even family member. I have days where I can not get out of my head how I allowed so many negative people and other things into my life, not just Wayne. Days where I want to just get in my car and hit the freeway, start a new life some where else away from everyone. This has become my new roller coaster or maybe its the merry go round now. My problems, my pain, my anger, is not about or with Wayne or anyone else, they are with ME. Honestly it was easier when they were about Wayne or someone else in my life, at least I had them to blame.

Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was on the right path, I had to take pause and think about that for a moment, I guess we never truly know if we are or not, only time will tell.

The battle I have with myself can be overwhelming at times. Since my discovery of Wayne’s issues, I have found there were many others in my life that brought me a lot of pain and turmoil, yet I always allowed them to remain in my life. I found when I looked around me that I could accept negative stuff anytime, yet when someone tried to offer me something positive, I would reject it, even a simple little compliment. So many things about me I am now facing. What is that called, “Oh yeah, Personal Growth.” Wow this is hard to face.

Its not funny, but in some ways it is, I thought once Wayne got better, or at least figured out he needed help and started working on himself that it would all just get better, that sure turned out to be a joke on me. Who knew that I had so many issues.

I have always lived my life with a moral compass, with high expectations on my integrity. I always tried to be the good daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend, always forgiving and loving, always there to give a hand or shoulder. I lived for my family and friends. My dreams were simple. Believing that when I got to my age of 52, I would have this close, wonderful family and honest true friendships. Hoping to be remembered some day when I was laid to rest, that I was a valuable asset in the life’s of those I loved and even others. Now I see that I was a resentful, frustrated, hurt, used and abused woman, who just sat back and let others walk on her. A woman, who did not set boundaries or even accountability to what others did or said about her. Where forgiveness was something just given, not something earned. I have now learned the hard way, that others can not respect us if we do not respect ourselves and how could I have possibly respected myself when I was allowing so many to use and abuse me. Although I thought I did, I had no true Joy or Peace, I sure could fake it though. I always saw myself having this God given Spirit that was flying high, now I realize, I never had the wind to fly at all.

This journey is long, its hard and it is extremely painful and just when you think you are starting to get beyond it or starting to feel better, it can blow up again. That is exactly what happened to me and not one person told me to prepare myself for it. To prepare for the time when I would have to stop looking at Wayne’s issues, damage, infidelities, etc., and start looking at my own Soul, my own damage, my own issues. With God’s hands on me, I can tell you, this is horribly painful, extremely scary, and so much harder than dealing with Wayne’s betrayals, his hurtful words. I have been betraying myself for years and every word Wayne or anyone else in my life, ever said about me, I had been saying to myself for years, unconsciously.

Years, I recognize now, I have been telling myself, I was not worthy or good enough for anyone or anything. So instead of searching for why I felt like this, I just ignored it and did everything I could to be accepted by anyone and everyone, than on the back side of that I resented it. I resented doing everything for everyone, being the fixer, the forgiver, the loving one, the one always there, when no one was truly there for me. When ever I needed forgiveness, I had to earn my forgiveness, no one ever just handed me forgiveness.

I guess, what I am trying to share with you, is that this journey of discovery we are on, if you really do the work, somewhere in all the pain, you will find that the true discovery is not about your spouse, but a much greater discovery. The discovery of YOU.

When I was told that to remain together Wayne and I would both have to change, I thought it was a joke. I am a good person, I could never do the things he did, nor could I ever hurt someone like he did, I was not the one with the horrible issues, Wayne was the one who needed to work on his issues and change, not me. No doubt Wayne had major issues, but WOW was I shocked to really see I had some major issues as well.

On my down, bad days now, I realize for me to be a good partner, I have to be a healthy partner and that takes a lot of work, hard, exhausting work, changing my thought process and my old habits of allowing negativity into my life, in any form and there are days where I just do not want to do it, days when I just go back to “I do not deserve better”, “I am not worth putting all this work into.” but mostly, Its not worth it.” I am telling myself that I am not worth it, that negative thought process that got me here to start with. Constantly needing to remind myself that I am worth it and so much more, continually overriding the negatives with positives. This is unbelievably hard for me to do.

Now that I am at this stage of my life journey and I realize the exhausting work and pain that goes into changing your inner self, your thought process, setting those boundaries and the accountability that has to go with the new boundaries, being honest and totally transparent with who I am, (no faking my emotions or feelings) and I am not just talking about with Wayne, but with everything in my life. Finding out for my self that the journey into self discovery is a very scary, painful and an extremely hard process. HOW CAN I NOT GIVE WAYNE THE GRACE AND LOVE FOR DOING THE WORK HIMSELF. HOW CAN I CONDEMN HIM, WHEN HE IS SO WILLING AND HE SO WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER, WHEN HE IS WORKING SO HARD TO CHANGE HIS INNER SELF. I know his struggles now.

I do not know what my future has in store but I know as long as I stay focused on my own personal struggles, as long as I remain always looking into the mirror of my life and continue to do every thing necessary to create more positives in my life while removing the negatives, I can acheive a GREAT LIFE.

What more could anyone ask for than a Great life, one that consist of love and respect for yourself.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Avoidance

Avoidance
How do you know you Love me.
I know because you are still here.
I know because you still think about my needs before yours.
I know because you still ask me how my day was.
I know because you still show unconditional Love, even through the tears.
I know because I know you still Love me, like Christ loved us, Unconditionally, through the bad times and the good.
I know because even in your pain and your unshed tears, always so close to the surface, you reach out to touch my hand, say what fleeting thought just crossed your mind, close down in fear because you feel you do not really know me.
I had a lot of avoidance issues after discovery. I also had to really search my heart to figure what the heck was that. I never considered my Wife’s feelings in all this as the false self decided for me it must be OK. I have to allude to this other False Self that controlled me during those hurtful times. I really never stopped to think about anybody else, not my wife, family, friends, coworkers. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
I would encourage a frank discussion that comes from your heart, from the betrayer to the betrayed. I know this is the deepest pain imaginable, deeper even than losing a loved one. This requires much grieving and work to overcome. I would ask that you look at your heart, decide what you really feel about your actions, how you hurt others and respond in kind. Silence can be too intimidating, thinking the worst; not having the facts for the betrayed can almost always certainly go down the worst possible roads. I know that I can not find the words to describe what I was thinking, feeling, wanting except as follows.
I fully was engaged with my defects of character, acting out in total selfishness, in love only with me. I also know that I accepted no higher authority, letting Satan have me by the Gonads; I hope that is Ok to say here, it is just how I feel I felt then. I have been working on rebuilding trust, letting my Love for my Wife show, I hid behind my addictions for a so many years trying to get her to realize it was never about her or what she did or did not do. My Love, even though the World would say what Love, how could you treat someone you Love this way, manifested itself it selfishness. I know I had and hopefully am overcoming, Intimacy issues that went deep. I know that I would like to learn to connect with her on the deepest level, where sharing, kindness, desires, intimacy in all things both emotional as well as physical is like something you can almost reach out and taste, touch, feel.
I hear it in songs, the word of God, the very essence of our existence craves this closeness and I think our society steers us away from it. I would like to think my past actions were a stepping stone that had to be crossed that I could maybe attain what God has promised for us. I feel that I had this huge stain on my soul since I was a very young child and could never be rid of it. I am greatly saddened I hurt someone as innocent and pure as my wife and our relationship.
I know it was not fair that I layed all this on my Wife. I know it seems as if I did not care. I would ask for the time to allow my Love to show through, through the windows from my soul, my heart. I know I have huge scars, I have dealt a terrible blow to me wife & I thank her for giving me a second chance. I pray that in time she might see I am capable of unconditional Love, just as she has been giving to me in all those years of my addiction, my selfishness.
In closing I would only offer this as I have experienced it. I am trying to show my true repentance, help my wife come to grips with my total selfishness, try to reassure her that I want to get to that deep connection God has promised for us and work everyday to make good choices. I will be praying for you and all my brothers and sisters. Amen
Wayne

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Roller Coaster

The Roller Coaster
I have been reading the pain of others as well as trying to hear the pain my wife deals with on a daily basis. I wonder if the betrayer can ever feel the depth of the cut he/she has inflicted. I sometimes get impatient and wonder why with time the pain would dull. I then see the “Painful Reminders jump up” as our leaders would call it and then I get how our hurt spouse must deal with it everyday, every minute, and every second. I think sometimes it is like thinking about how far away is heaven or the end of space. I wonder if I will ever really get it. I think my wife thinks not.
I so wish I could snap my fingers, wiggle my nose; wish it away, not going to happen. I think in time there might be some form of acceptance, this comes from my group relationship, I pray for release with hope that some day things might get close to what God says we can attain. I would pray for a life full of joy, freedom, love, well being, acceptance. I know this is the great promise, I know I must actively work towards being a healthy person, living everyday with my old behaviors, whipping Satan at every turn. I know I need to ever vigilant as I know what I have been capable of in the past, always praying for the strength to reach out to my wife God, other people, mentors, for strength and guidance. I do not mean to make her or others to be Godlike, only as God says we can attain, Oneness. A meshing of 2 souls that grow together, not separated.
I know that I have always had Intimacy issues, coming from my past that did not get dealt with in any way. I know that I have to be the one that opens that door, learn to accept the lack of being normal, trying to resolve this and join people as a whole person. I think the answer will come with help from God as I pray to him for guidance, help from my wife and family as I learn to let them Love me inside, I also know this is the true meaning for our existence. Peace, Joy, Love onto one another, and great sacrifices.
I will continue to pray for all my suffering brothers and sisters wishing them healing, joy, peace.
Wayne

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Inner Landscape & Healing

Inner Landscape

I will add that in working thru my old behavior and my stuff, I have embraced the following. I have taken on the responsibility of learning how I got where I am at. I have embraced, hopefully not to heavily, on the fact that I have acquired defects of character due to things, people, issues, circumstances that were out of my control. I have gotten my arms around the fact that these effected me in ways I did not deal with well. I also know these things affected me in a profound way and they finally erupted out of me in an unhealthy way. THIS is a great fact. I then used this as a way to lash out at those that loved me, mostly my Wife, who stood by me no matter what I was doing or whom I was hurting. I would like to thank my wife for always being there for me. I would go back to change the past if I could, I cannot. This also is a great fact. I can only try to offer a better me, get my arms around why I could lash out at Her and others as well as the world in general.

I would offer this to other struggling souls that, knowing that I cannot give something I do not have; Knowledge, only I would offer this as I am trying to learn. The working through our past and trying to get our arms around the brokenness that contributed to our ability to lash out at our partners, wives, husbands, etc that giving back to others is the way to true healing. I have also come to the realization I can not fix my wife’s pain, her struggles, her healing. I have found that this must be her battle, her journey. I can only be supportive, offer a better me, stay away from being defensive, falling back on old behaviors to cope with the tough stuff while working on my difficult issues in my everyday life, my inner landscape, how I perceive and deal with this as a core person. This alone will help me heal the past brokenness, the pain of betrayal, working towards a better tomorrow.

I know this is a very hard issue for her to overcome, years of supporting me as I thrash about, giving up her dreams, her needs, and her joy and peace. I see her struggle and I try to build and have Empathy for her in those moments when She is distant, obscure, walled off. I know I need to give her grace, allow the healing to flow and pray for God to help her in her human struggles.

They say stuff can be forgiven. I struggle with this as I see my actions as unforgivable. Most of mankind might agree with this, at least in my mind, and I have learned that forgiveness includes that even though it is unforgivable; it is maybe possible to learn new behaviors that would include learning to live with it, learning to work through it, learn from it so I never duplicate it, fall back on old behaviors, learn new coping skills.

I am committed to work towards a better understanding of the trials and tribulations, the pain, the hurt that I have dropped onto my wife. I will always try to work through the tough times, have empathy for the stuff I have let enter our lives, ruin our history, stain the fabric of our lives together. This is what I mean by the unforgivable and learning to live with and cope with the stuff that I allowed into our relationship. I will continue to pray for my brothers and sisters that continue to struggle, the hurt, and the pain. I pray for your release from this and I would pray for you to have all the joy, peace and prosperity God promises us.

Wayne

Saturday, August 22, 2009

REDEMTION

Recovery And Acceptance:

I would like to encourage you to look at the overall picture I have painted for my life, my wife and family as well as the incredible pain and wreckage I have reaped. If I can step back and look at the destructive path my tornado has left, I can better understand it when my wife and family get distant or show raw emotion about my stuff. I know on an intellectual level that I deserve this, yet the inner pain I feel is sometimes too much. I have come to the part of acceptance, realizing that I am the instigator of all this raw emotion as well as the main perpetrator. I am looking to find the way to freedom through correct decisions, hoping I can be different, working towards an understanding of my past and how it affects those that Love me as I try to always put them first. I have found solace in always asking what I can better do today to help my wife have a better day, help her with anything I can as well as how to make better decisions today.

I have learned that praying, asking God what I can do to have a better understanding of Him as well as trying to have a better outlook with a positive attitude. I have come to believe recovery looks better from a position of being Sober. This is a fact that in giving up the old bad behavior has released me from all the crap I felt all my life and I found some sort of inner peace in this effort. I will pray for all my brothers and sisters that are still struggling with this sad fact.

I have found that Life did not actually revolve around just me and my little world of neediness. After I finally pulled my Head out to see there is more to life, love and the pursuit of happiness than satisfying my desires at this moment in time. I am learning everyday that humility and humbleness, although these are a little foreign to me, that this is a great fact. I willingly put my efforts in helping my wife, working towards a better closeness with my God and trying to help others.

I hope others will join us, the fallen, as well as the hurt, to walk with us, join hands with us, pray with us to better understand the life that God has given to us. I hope and pray that true redemption will be there for me if I work on my walk with Him, my helping others, my reaching out to be there for others when they are in need. I will be praying for you and hope you will join me as I walk in life.

Wayne