My grandmothers life, impacted mine so greatly, that I handed out cheap forgiveness to anyone who hurt me. I thought for me to remain an unbitter, cold person I had to.
I was under the wrong impression of what forgiveness meant. I thought once you forgave, it meant you had to forget about it, never bring it up again, shove it so far down inside yourself that it would just magically disappear in time.
My problem with this belief, was it didn't magically disappear, but instead became a place of resentment and frustration.
After the damage done in my marriage, after I discovered my husbands nine year affair, within two weeks I told him I forgave him. I thought since I was so use to forgiveness that it would be easy to do. Just accept it and bury it deep. I was wrong. All that did was cause me to start distancing myself from him. Actually not just him, but my children and grandchildren to.
In the beginning 7 months, after I discovered my husbands affair, I was afraid to show my anger, I didn't know how to show or feel this type of anger and because the fear of him going to her and leaving our marriage was to great, doesn't this show my insecurities. I thought if I showed him what unconditional love was he would stay. Stuffing my feelings, got me no where but more angry. More resentful.
I began to be exactly what I said I would never become, "a cold, bitter, woman." I was becoming my grandmother. The anger rose up inside of me so deep, my soul was black. I had never been here before. I did not know anger to this extreme.
I didn't know what to do, I was lost. I was becoming someone I didn't even recognize, most importantly, even like, let alone love or admire.
I began to hate my husband. To even look at him gave me such disgust, at times I literally threw up. I began to get headaches. Physically I was going down hill. I fought everyday for my sanity. Everyday battling myself inside. Oh, I could fake it outside, when the need arose. I could put on a smile when I had to, but inside, I felt dead. When he would ask "How are you doing, or How was your day." I would say simple, "Fine, it was okay, just another day." That was a lie, now I was beginning to lie to. No longer telling him my true feelings.
Every memory for 18 years was gone. I couldn't look back and have any good or happy thoughts about where we had been, things said, things we had done, everything I once held special and dear was now empty and dirty. He had destroyed our innocence, our purity. I hated the fact I had even allowed him to touch me at all, let only, that I had sex with this man, during all those 18 years. How dare he do this to us, to our family, to me. How could he just throw us away, for what? Nasty sex and women with no morals or integrity. Why wasn't he just proud of the wife he had. She was beautiful, spiritually and physically. How could I have not been good enough for him to love and cherish?
I began to know all the emotions my grandmother had gone through for years. I don't know how many women my grandfather was with, but my husband, around 50 plus. Although the sex and emotional attachment he had with them was hard enough to comprehend, the absolute disgusting things he said about me, put me right over the top. He told his girlfriends, "How he could not stand me," "I was stupid, the most stupid woman he had ever met." "He made the biggest mistake by marrying me." "How he wished he could just be free from me, the bitch." "I was a pathological liar." "I wasted all his hard earned money." "He never loved me but was stuck with me." "I was nothing more than a roommate." It just went on and on. I think the one that got to me the worst was, "How horrible I was at sex." I guess it was to him, because I didn't have sex, I made love and there is a huge difference between them, I wanted to be close to my husband, not just use his body for my own pleasure, but to Love him. I had sacrificed so much of my own needs, wants and desires for a man who did not even want me. I begged him through out the years to just let me go, tell me if he wasn't happy, I would walk away freely. But he lied to me, he would tell him he was happy, he loved being married, didn't want to leave, lied. He also talked horribly about my children, saying they were inbreds, lazy, no good for nothing kids, etc. How can I explain to you just how deeply my anger and pain went. It went to my core.
How could I ever trust him again? In fact, I didn't trust anyone, anymore. Even my children. I distanced myself not just from my family but my friends as well. I was so dark inside, I was afraid of contaminating everyone around me. Sad thing is, I was, whether I was around them or not, my anger was hurting everyone I loved. Everyone.
During those 18 years, I could not imagine disrespecting or disregarding my husband. I loved him.
It took a long time for me to begin to heal my soul. But what I began to discover was that my husband was not me. Because I was trustworthy, I just believed him to be and freely trusted.
Since I was loyal, again, I believed him to be. I knew what unconditional love was, so he must to, right? He could tell me anything and I held it precious to my heart, I gave him the same respect, believing he to held my life sacred. I would have never thrown away my own self respect, self value, self dignity, it held to much value to me and he felt the same way, or I thought. Since I felt and believed a certain way, I just automatically handed my beliefs, my set of values, to my husband. I was wrong. I have now learned, we shouldn't just hand our own thoughts, beliefs or way of living to anyone else. They should earn it. My husband never earned any of these things from me, just because his words sounded good, because he knew what to say, I just freely handed it over, even when his actions or behaviors, didn't prove his words to be true.
I have now discovered, I was doing this with everyone in my life, friends, family, co-workers, everyone.
This was step one in my recovery. Realizing that I was an individual. My thoughts, beliefs, values, character, were mine and I should be proud of them. That others, including my husband, didn't think or feel as I do. As Rick, a counselor I have spoken with, once told me, "When you spot it, you got it." The thing was for me, I never spotted the things I had, my core, in others, my husband included, but I graciously, trustingly, honestly believed, they were just like me and when they let me down, when they didn't have the core values I expected them to have, understand the words, "I EXPECTED," I got hurt, I got angry, I got resentful, I got frustrated.
It wasn't until I realized that I was responsible for my own expectations of others and that just because I had certain standards that I choose to live, didn't mean others, including my husband lived the same standards. This is where I began to let go of the "Why and How could he." Because I began to understand that he was not me and I would never understand the "Why and How," I could not have done what he did and there is absolutely no way for me to ever understand, he could try to explain it for the rest of his life, I would never get it.
I began to let go of the two biggest questions in this maze of infidelity, and the beginning of my freedom began.
I believe this first step is something my grandmother never understood, but than they didn't have the help of professionals or books to read, Internet. Her generation, Women believed they had no value other than to serve their husbands and family. Today we no better, we do have value. We have access to all kinds of help today, but we must be willing to do the work, NO one can do it for us, it is up to us to make our lives healthy and happy.
Start believing in who you are, that you are worth it, your "Not Drinking from a Toxic Well," your drinking from the well of your own life.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
ANGER vs FORGIVENESS
Healing hearts with hope, how can you heal after such devastation, especially with hope, when its feels like such a hopeless place.
I loved my grandparents, but I adored my grandfather. My grandma was a cranky woman, who seemed to always be angry. She wasn't a loving, warm person. As a child I never understood why my grandma was always so mean.
I couldn't wait to be a grandma, I wanted to spoil my grandchildren, I wanted to show them true warmth and love. I wanted them to feel that going to grandma's house was special, a place they felt safe and happy, where their memories would make them feel joy and fill their hearts with warmth. Where a smile would appear when their world got rocky and that grandma's love would always be with them, throughout their lives.
My grandma wasn't at all like this. She just wasn't warm or loving. To describe her I would use words like, Cold, Cranky, Unloving, Angry, Mean, Unhappy, Negative. As a child, I never understood why she was this way. My grandfather was a jolly man, happy, loving, warm, fun, admired and respected, by so many.
As a child, I heard my grandmother yelling at my grandfather all the time and I use to feel so bad for him. She always treated him so coldly. I remember times when my grandfather would try to hug her and she would push him away, using the words, "Leave me alone." What I saw of my grandma's heart, well in a word, Ugly.
When my grandfather passed away in 1982, my grandmother never shed a tear. It was like just another day for her. In fact, she even said to me once, "Good Riddance". They were married 60 years and all she could feel or say was "Good Riddance."
Like I said, I loved my grandfather, to me he was a hero. This man could do no wrong in my eyes, in fact all of his grandchildren felt this way. He was a wonderful man.
Than one day I found out why my grandmother lived in anger, why she lived her life with so much bitterness.
My aunt took me to lunch, my grandmother joined us. I was 26 years old at the time and was going through my first divorce. As we were sitting there talking about my soon to be ex husband, my grandmother made a statement that has stuck with me since. "Men are worthless, they have no value, all they want to do is use you." My 80 year old grandmother, married 60 years, hated men, why, she had such a great husband. Immediately I began defending my grandfather, telling her how lucky she was to have such a wonderful man in her life, how everyone respected and idolized him, what a loving warm man he was.
On that day, which is now forever ingrained in my memory, I truly met my grandfather, the man I adored and admired, wasn't the man that lived in my heart at all. Even today, all these years later, as I write this my heart still breaks.
I heard that day about all my grandfathers girlfriends, how he would support other women financially, take them on trips, spend time with them and some of it was done right in front of my grandmother. I learned how he treated her with such disrespect and discarded. She told me, that throughout their entire marriage she never received one gift, not Christmas, birthday, nothing. My grandfather made decisions and never once asked her what she felt or thought. He would decide they were moving, he would go purchase a house and move, she could either come or stay, he didn't care. I sat there in complete shock. The man she was talking about was not my grandfather. That is not who I knew. If my aunt had not been there that day and acknowledged everything my grandmother said, I wouldn't have believed her. My grandfather was a good man, all of this just couldn't be true.
When I asked my grandmother why she stayed and tolerated it, she reminded me of her generation. Women stayed, even through abuse. She felt it was her duty. She said it began when they were first married and continued for the next 60 years. What could she have done.
I felt sad, heart broken for her. How horrible to be treated that way for so long. How could this wonderful man I knew, be so cruel, so heartless, so mean.
Everyday for 60 years, her spirit died, her anger grew and bitterness became her way of life. Not just with my grandfather but with everyone around her. When she died in 1993, no one stood up to give a eulogy and when asked if anyone would like to share about her life, there was no response, no one stood in her honor. What my grandmother left behind, was this, "I don't want to live like she did, I never want to be a bitter, cold person."
My grandmothers anger destroyed her life, it destroyed any chance of happiness or personal peace and it contaminated her relationship with all the others around her. Her bitterness is how she is remembered today, when others speak of her, I still hear "She was a cold, bitter woman."
How I wish she could have found a way to forgive my grandfather, to open her heart, because I know underneath the pain, she was a loving, warm, caring, beautiful woman that had so much more to offer, especially, those of us who were her family.
Her children, grandchildren and friends were cheated out of knowing the real woman, because she choose anger over forgiveness and Self Love.
I loved my grandparents, but I adored my grandfather. My grandma was a cranky woman, who seemed to always be angry. She wasn't a loving, warm person. As a child I never understood why my grandma was always so mean.
I couldn't wait to be a grandma, I wanted to spoil my grandchildren, I wanted to show them true warmth and love. I wanted them to feel that going to grandma's house was special, a place they felt safe and happy, where their memories would make them feel joy and fill their hearts with warmth. Where a smile would appear when their world got rocky and that grandma's love would always be with them, throughout their lives.
My grandma wasn't at all like this. She just wasn't warm or loving. To describe her I would use words like, Cold, Cranky, Unloving, Angry, Mean, Unhappy, Negative. As a child, I never understood why she was this way. My grandfather was a jolly man, happy, loving, warm, fun, admired and respected, by so many.
As a child, I heard my grandmother yelling at my grandfather all the time and I use to feel so bad for him. She always treated him so coldly. I remember times when my grandfather would try to hug her and she would push him away, using the words, "Leave me alone." What I saw of my grandma's heart, well in a word, Ugly.
When my grandfather passed away in 1982, my grandmother never shed a tear. It was like just another day for her. In fact, she even said to me once, "Good Riddance". They were married 60 years and all she could feel or say was "Good Riddance."
Like I said, I loved my grandfather, to me he was a hero. This man could do no wrong in my eyes, in fact all of his grandchildren felt this way. He was a wonderful man.
Than one day I found out why my grandmother lived in anger, why she lived her life with so much bitterness.
My aunt took me to lunch, my grandmother joined us. I was 26 years old at the time and was going through my first divorce. As we were sitting there talking about my soon to be ex husband, my grandmother made a statement that has stuck with me since. "Men are worthless, they have no value, all they want to do is use you." My 80 year old grandmother, married 60 years, hated men, why, she had such a great husband. Immediately I began defending my grandfather, telling her how lucky she was to have such a wonderful man in her life, how everyone respected and idolized him, what a loving warm man he was.
On that day, which is now forever ingrained in my memory, I truly met my grandfather, the man I adored and admired, wasn't the man that lived in my heart at all. Even today, all these years later, as I write this my heart still breaks.
I heard that day about all my grandfathers girlfriends, how he would support other women financially, take them on trips, spend time with them and some of it was done right in front of my grandmother. I learned how he treated her with such disrespect and discarded. She told me, that throughout their entire marriage she never received one gift, not Christmas, birthday, nothing. My grandfather made decisions and never once asked her what she felt or thought. He would decide they were moving, he would go purchase a house and move, she could either come or stay, he didn't care. I sat there in complete shock. The man she was talking about was not my grandfather. That is not who I knew. If my aunt had not been there that day and acknowledged everything my grandmother said, I wouldn't have believed her. My grandfather was a good man, all of this just couldn't be true.
When I asked my grandmother why she stayed and tolerated it, she reminded me of her generation. Women stayed, even through abuse. She felt it was her duty. She said it began when they were first married and continued for the next 60 years. What could she have done.
I felt sad, heart broken for her. How horrible to be treated that way for so long. How could this wonderful man I knew, be so cruel, so heartless, so mean.
Everyday for 60 years, her spirit died, her anger grew and bitterness became her way of life. Not just with my grandfather but with everyone around her. When she died in 1993, no one stood up to give a eulogy and when asked if anyone would like to share about her life, there was no response, no one stood in her honor. What my grandmother left behind, was this, "I don't want to live like she did, I never want to be a bitter, cold person."
My grandmothers anger destroyed her life, it destroyed any chance of happiness or personal peace and it contaminated her relationship with all the others around her. Her bitterness is how she is remembered today, when others speak of her, I still hear "She was a cold, bitter woman."
How I wish she could have found a way to forgive my grandfather, to open her heart, because I know underneath the pain, she was a loving, warm, caring, beautiful woman that had so much more to offer, especially, those of us who were her family.
Her children, grandchildren and friends were cheated out of knowing the real woman, because she choose anger over forgiveness and Self Love.
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