Thursday, March 17, 2011

MARIE

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Friday, April 23, 2010

CO-DEPENDENCY

The last post were the five warning signs that Dr. Drew gives to know whether you are living with someone who has a sex addiction. I believe there are even more signs, but the most important one is this: IF YOUR GUT STARTS TO TELL YOU THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG, BELIEVE IT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOURSELF. GOD GAVE US OUR INSTINCTS FOR A REASON AND IGNORING THEM COULD CAUSE US OUR VERY LIFE.

Dr. Drew also calls the spouse with the sex addict a co-dependent, I do not totally agree with this statement. I do not believe every man or woman who is married to a sex addict is a co-dependent. In fact my Pastor/Counselor told the Dr. Oz show that he does not believe I had to many co-dependent traits. I had boundaries in our marriage and there was accountability to crossing my boundaries, the only thing I did not do was file for divorce. Although I never threatened divorce, there were many times it crossed my mind, in fact there were times when I knew I needed to get out and started planning my way out.

When I got sick, very sick, Wayne was not there for me. His reasons always were this: “Your sick and someone has to pay the bills, now I have to do my job and yours, so I have to work.” I accepted and even knew it was true, but I always thought to myself, if the roles were reversed and he was sick nothing would have kept me from being there by his side. I would have figured out a way to do it all. I guarantee he would have been the first thing on my list.

Wayne was never close to his mother, at least not what I would call close. He never called her, never sent her cards or gifts for her birthday or mothers day, even Christmas, I always did the gifts and phone calls to her. Than again in all the years I have been with Wayne she never called him either, not once. When she was diagnosed with Liver Cancer and given a very short time to live, Wayne did not seem upset, in fact his brother in law was the one who was there for her. One Saturday we went to see her for a few hours and Wayne wanted to go home, we live about an hour from where she lived, I suggested we get a motel room that night and that Wayne spend the night with his mother, he did not want to. I knew from her fast decline that she was not going to be here by the next weekend and this just might be Wayne’s last time with her, but all he wanted to do was go home. We got in the car and I kept asking him to stay with her and he kept saying NO. The thoughts that went through my mind that night as we started driving down the freeway was, “If we pull into our driveway, I am ending this marriage.” I thought this because of how he treated me when I was sick and now I was seeing how he was with his own mother dying and I knew that if we pulled into our driveway and he went into the house and fell asleep, I could not live with a man who was this cold, this unemotional, this selfish any longer. I started praying that God would speak to his heart and change his mind and before I knew it Wayne had changed his mind and turned our car around and headed back to spend the night with his mother. She passed away the next day. This is just one example of how every time I decided that I could no longer be involved with Wayne and our marriage, that it was time for me to divorce him and move on, Wayne’s behavior would change, although it was a short period of change, it was during these times that I saw the man I thought I had married and it always pulled me back into the marriage.

So I never just accepted his bad behavior, hateful attitude, lack of responsibility, his inability to be intimate, I always called him out, but it was never bad enough to divorce him over. Whenever I suspected him of infidelity, he always had the words to make me doubt myself and in those times he would even change his behavior for awhile. Its called manipulation and being very, very good at having two lives. So “NO” I do not believe that every one is a co-dependent.

There is such a fine line between loving unconditionally and co-dependency. When our children choose bad behavior and we love them anyway, when they break our hearts and we choose to love them anyway, when they lie and we choose to love them anyway, does that make us co-dependent to them? Although we hold our children accountable to their actions via our choice of punishment, does that mean that we have to leave them, rid them from our lives to not be co-dependent? No, absolutely not.

So what exactly is co-dependency? To me, co-dependency is when we know that someone we love is harming themselves and others and we do nothing. I am going to use my brother and parents here as an example. My brother is an alcoholic, he has been since the age of 20 and is now 49. My mother is a very strong Christian woman, my father became a Christian after marrying my mother and I truly believe that it has been more self serving for him, a Christian of convenience. My parents have paid for and supported my brother through rehab 9 times. The longest I ever remember my brother staying sober was for about 1 year and each time he went back to drinking my parents blamed his circumstances, such as work being to stressful, his wife was a nag, he just couldn’t help himself, etc. My brother worked for my fathers company and would show up almost daily late or he would leave early, he could be drunk or severely hung over, instead of my dad sending him home or even firing him, my dad made excuses for him to everyone and allowed him to stay employed and at work. The job required my brother to run heavy equipment, at times even driving a dump truck. I can not recall how many times my father allowed my brother to operate the equipment with full knowledge that he was drunk and dangerous. When I or anyone else would question my dad about this he would always say, “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” or “He’s okay.” I can remember a number of times my brother being passed out laying across the seat of a dump truck. My parents supplied my brother and his wife a place to live, they paid their bills. Whatever my brother needed, my parents supplied. If his life got hard, my parents would even help him come up with excuses as to why he couldn’t help himself. It has been very sad and hard to watch all these years. After 20 years of marriage, my sister in law who had stood by my brother through 9 rehabs, his violent temper when he had drank to much, his seizures from alcohol withdrawal, finally divorced him. My parents to this day blame my ex sister in law for not standing beside my brother for life, to them the reason he drank was because of her. Although my father retired and closed his business down, he still to this day financially supports my brother, who can not seem to get or hold down a job and of course every time he gets fired from his employer, it’s the employers fault not my brothers. It has been 3 years since my sister in law divorced my brother and my parents still blame her and my brother is still drinking. Go figure !

I remember at one of his rehab family counseling sessions, the counselor told my parents in all of his 30 years of rehab counseling he has never seen a worse case of co-dependency and enabling than what he has seen with my parents, their response to that statement was laughter.

I feel sorry for my brother because until my parents let him fall and I mean fall hard, he will never truly know what a great life he could have and has been missing out on.

To me this is co-dependency. My parents absolutely know that my brother has a problem, they know it is life and death for him, they continually help him self destruct, they make excuses for his choices and blame everything or anyone else but him, they support him in everyway with absolutely NO accountability to his behavior.

My parents are now retired and travel the country to do voluntary work building churches. Last year they were in Arizona when my brother was arrested for a DUI, they flew immediately home to bail him out, as they did not want him to have to stay in jail. Four months later it happened again and the whole thing was repeated. My parents paid for his attorney, his bail. He lost his driving privileges for a year, so my parents stayed home so they could drive him around. Everyone else who loves my brother, including me, had enough about 4, 5 years ago and will no longer support him in any way other than to let him know we really do love him. If only my parents would truly see just how they are helping my brother destroy his life. I do not believe my parents are doing these things for my brother out of love but more for the feelings they get of being needed. In some ways I think co-dependency is a very selfish behavior.

So now, did I know that Wayne had a problem? I knew he handled things differently than I did, I knew that emotionally he was different than me, I knew he lacked some intimacy skills, I knew he could be irresponsible with finances, I knew there were important issues he couldn’t handle, I knew he had issues with making love, I knew he was a conflict creator and a conflict avoider. Yes there were things I knew. For every thing I did know, there was accountability for it. You can not hold someone accountable because they feel different than you, they handle their emotions different, they lack certain intimacy skills, we all have our own opinions, ideas. Everyone is different and lacking in areas of life, if we do not accept that than we would have no relationships whether it be our children, friends, other family members or co workers.

I did not know Wayne was a serial cheater, I did not know Wayne was watching pornography, I did not know he visited Adult bookstores, I did not know he paid prostitutes for sex, I did not know Wayne was having numerous one night stands, or long term girlfriends, I did not know that sex was Wayne’s number one priority, I did not know he was putting his life, my life and the life’s of many others in danger, I did not know Wayne was masturbating a lot, I did not know Wayne was telling everyone how he couldn’t stand me, that I was stupid, the biggest bitch or that he wanted a divorce, I did not know Wayne had so many secrets, I did not know he was a master at lying and manipulation. If I had of known about any of this, do you honestly think I would have supported him in doing it? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

What Wayne was doing was so well hidden, he knew exactly how to live two separate life’s by the time I met him. He knew how to lie very well. He knew exactly what to do and say in both worlds to keep them going. As far as for me, I knew nothing about his other world. You can not hold someone accountable for something you know nothing about. Had I of caught him, not supposition but fact, one time there would have been huge accountability to it, just like there has been since November 24, 2006.

Now that I know the real true issue facing Wayne, I will not waver an inch with my boundaries or the accountability to crossing them. Wayne is at the steering wheel of his life and if he chooses to drive drunk than he chooses to not have me as his passenger. This is not a game, it is life and death for anyone who chooses to close their eyes for the sake of what you might call LOVE. Look at the other passengers in your life, your children, friends, extended family, etc. that love you and that depend on you, than ask yourself,

“Are you blindly and in the name of Love allowing someone else to drive your life while they are drunk with lust, alcohol, drugs, etc, and are you willing to put all your other loved ones at risk as well?”

If you answered YES to this, than co-dependency is something you might need help with. Co-dependency can stand for “I don’t want my life to change, I want it to go back to the way it was, to what I believed it was.” “I will accept anything to just keep this person in my life.” “I can’t live without this person.” “I need this person to feel whole.” "I will protect, support this person no matter what they do."

If you answered NO, it does not mean that you have to remove your spouse from your life but what it does mean is work, change, growth. Facing your own fears, insecurities. Setting boundaries that are uncrossable. For the other person to remain in your life, they are going to have to work and work hard on change. You are going to have to watch their behavior and not listen to their words. You are going to have to change and grow within yourself. Words like, “To remain in my life, you are going to have to get into counseling, read self help books, go to group meetings, learn about your issues, if you are not worth doing this work to improve your own life, than it is not worth it to me to stay.” “I’m going to change my life, your welcome to come along but only if you change yours.” “I love you enough to say goodbye.” “I am willing to work towards forgiveness and reconciliation, but only if you get help and we work on change together.” If your spouse is unwilling to do the work to change and respect your boundaries, than you must WALK AWAY and if your not willing to walk away than you need to go back and answer YES to the question above.

Please do not answer YES and call it LOVE, that is not LOVE, that is self fulfilling, it is about self. Love means letting go if it is in the best interest of the other person. Love has nothing to do with your own fears and insecurities. Unconditional Love means, “I will let you fall so you can pick yourself back up.” Not everyone, but most learn their best lessons in life by falling and when we stand in their way of falling we are cheating them of learning. Most of us will stand in the way for our own selfish reasons.

Something to think about, what would your answer be? YES or NO !

God Bless
Kate

DR. DREW'S WARNING SIGNS

The five warning signs that Dr. Drew Pinsky gives to identify whether your spouse could be a sex addict are as follows; (I am going to explain how they rang LOUD and TRUE in my life and marriage.)

1.) DIFFICLTY WITH EMOTIONS:

This one rings home to me very profoundly now, how I never really stopped to see Wayne’s lack of emotions just blows my mind. If someone got extremely sick, someone passed away, if we had financial difficulties, when I needed him to make a decision about anything, it was kind of like he never had an opinion or just didn’t care about the issue. When others, such as his sisters, his mother, his friends, anyone who loved and cared about him was going through hard times, Wayne never showed emotions. When his mom got sick and passed away I never saw a tear, nor did I hear how he was feeling. When I would ask him how he is doing all he would ever say is “fine”, “I’m fine.” There was such an emptiness about him, I could feel it but I could not for the life of me understand it.

During our marriage we had up’s and down’s like all relationships do, yet with Wayne when things were not going good or important decisions needed to be made, he always ran. His words were, “I don’t know what to do.” I was always left to defend, decide and fix the issue alone. If it took to much effort for Wayne, he would go underground. I always saw this but excused it as he had to much stress at work and he just couldn’t handle anymore. I never gave my stress level much thought as I could handle anything, RIGHT !

When I look back now I truly see just how unimportant I was to me. I had a job, kids, house, yard, bills and real life issues everyday, yet I could justify Wayne’s lack of emotional involvement by using, “He’s under to much stress at work.” He had a JOB, one JOB and I took care of everything else, plus. What was I saying to myself during all those years? “I can handle it all, I’m strong enough to get through this, I can figure it out, but Wayne couldn’t.” Was I saying he was to weak, that he couldn’t handle what I could handle? What was I really telling myself and why did I excuse his lack of emotional involvement as being okay?

Was the lack of his emotional involvement a reason to end my marriage? NO, not to me it wasn’t. Wayne and I could have really GREAT times together and even though I knew he would not be there during the hardest times in life for me or anyone else who loved him, I accepted that it was who he was and I loved him unconditionally and somewhere in all that unconditionally meant unaccountable.

So how has this now changed since discovery? We talk about feelings, we explore what feelings really are. After discovery I found out Wayne thought that we only had two emotions, Happy or Sad. Our counselor actually had to give him a list of emotions for him to understand that there are all kinds of different feelings, emotions, we go through everyday.

Today, I demand that he handle the stress of life as I have had to handle it, with fortitude and decisiveness. He can no longer bury his head in the sand, run away from the issue, or dump it on me alone. Today, he must make a plan and put it into action, he must tell me what he is thinking and feeling, he must now SHOW ME that he is being responsible in his life, WORDS, empty words will never be tolerated or excused by me again.

2.) CHANGES IN LIBIDO:

I have always been one of those people that when I meet someone I want to give them a hug. Physical touch is something I have always enjoyed. It did not take long into my marriage to Wayne for me to stop reaching out to him for physical touch. Physical touch became groping, grabbing, sexual, there was no intimacy in it at all with Wayne. I loved to cuddle on the couch at night and watch TV but if I did that with Wayne, even with the kids in the room, he would grab at my body parts it always left me feeling sick inside, used, dirty. When Wayne would be outside working in the yard and if I would run up and give him a hug from behind he always turned it sexual. There was never any play in it. I found that with him I had to be cautious with what I did physically and because of that caution I started becoming physically distant from him.

About a month after our wedding we started having a very difficult sexual life. It was extremely hard for me to feel close to Wayne. I use to beg him to go to counseling with me or even sex therapy as I never felt close or “enough” for him. I was always left feeling alone, used, dirty even abused sometimes after sex, not all the time, but most of it. Wayne had an issue that I could never understand and this issue didn’t start until we were married for about a month, once it started it never changed and it always, always made me feel horrible after wards. It was never making love to my husband, it was always SEX. I begged with tears for him and us to get help but he never would go, he didn’t think he needed help, he was just fine and it did not matter how I felt or how it made me feel. This caused even more distancing between us.

Wayne took my distance as though I didn’t like making love, he could not have been more wrong, I loved it, but I just didn’t have it with him. The way it made me feel afterwards was too high a price for me to pay.

I would tell him how it made me feel and all he would say was that he could not help it. The excuses for why he couldn’t change it were numerous. I told him time and time again I believed he had something psychologically wrong with him and that there had to be some way to change it, he would just laugh and give me another excuse as to why he just couldn’t change. When I look back now, I feel sad for all the time that was wasted and for all the years that I had to go without being loved and loving in the bedroom.

How is it different today? It is OH SO MUCH different. It now feels like LOVE. We have eye to eye contact, we talk and communicate before and during, we can laugh and truly enjoy our time together. The issue that was between us for so many years is now gone. That is the one thing that keeps me grounded with our physical life now, if that issue comes back, I will know immediately That empty, empty feeling I use to get, is GONE and today I have what I have so desired for so many, many years a relationship built on so much more than sex.

3.) EXCESSIVE ONLINE INTERNET USEAGE:

I never had this issue with Wayne. He used his work computers for his internet pornography usage. I never had access to his work computers until the last two years prior to discovery. Most of Wayne’s pornography was done in Adult Book Stores, I had absolutely no idea this was going on until discovery. Also, we did not have a computer in our home until 1998.

Today, I know that if Wayne wants to view pornography there is nothing I can do to stop him, this has to be his decision, all I can do is set my boundaries high, be ready to keep the accountability to crossing them and feel safe in who I am. Wayne never knows when I will ask for or demand a lie detector test and I know I can rely on my gut instinct as it is alive and well. My gut instinct is what I believe today, it is my spiritual guiding force and when she speaks, today, I listen.

4.) MOOD SWINGS AROUND SEX:

This one use to drive me insane. I could have just worked a 20 hour day and fell into bed drained to exhaustion and Wayne would have to have sex. Sex was like work for me with Wayne at times and there were just times I did not in anyway want to go there, so I would say, “Not now, maybe later” or “how about tomorrow night?” and this whinny, pouty, man would appear. If we had sex he would be on a high, mister wonderful for about 24 hours but if we didn’t he could be hard to be around. He could be like a little boy who couldn’t have the candy like the other kids. I also lost respect for him because of this, I thought I had married a man and I found myself dealing with a little boy a lot of the time.

This mood swing issue around sex addiction is so true.

How is this different today? Today Wayne accepts the fact that he is not going to get sex every single day, in fact he may not get it once a week, nor once a month. Our relationship is not built on sex today but deeper more intimate issues, such as loving, caring, forgiving, understanding, compassion, anger, trust issues, today sex is a much smaller part of who we are as a couple and because of that when we are together its finally the WOW we both longed for.


5.) DOES NOT SOCIALIZE WELL:

My girlfriends use to tell me all the time that they thought Wayne was a flirt and I always excused it away. I knew he was a flirt but I was never insecure in who I was so his flirting never really bothered me. I just accepted it was who he was. Do not think that I did not bring it to his attention if I thought it was out of hand because I did on occasion. I always saw that Wayne could talk to women so much easier than he could to men. Most of his conversations with men were about work, construction. With women I always noticed it was about their problems. He use to love to talk to my friends about their relationship problems or any issue they were having. I know now that it made him feel good about himself if women talked and listened to him, that ego thing.

There were times when I told him very bluntly that him talking to women about his personal life, our marriage, my personal life was way out of bounds for me and that if I ever caught him doing it, it could end our marriage, he would laugh at me and tell me how he would never do that. Sad that he did and he did it all the time to any woman who would listen. He told them such intimate details about not only our marriage but about my personal life. This was harder for me to over come during discovery than the sexual act. This was a much bigger deeper betrayal for me.

Today, he does not talk to women outside my presence. He does not have intimate conversations with them and if a woman shares her issues with him he tells me about the conversation. He has to learn how to bow out of intimate conversations with women period.

These are just 5 warning signs that Dr. Drew discussed. If you see any of these in your marriage, please get help. Do it now, don’t let yourself make excuses or justify them in anyway. You deserve to have the best life possible and you owe it to yourself, your spouse and your family to have a happy, healthy life.

God Bless
Kate

VIDEO NIGHTMARE

Wow, Wayne and I did not forsee just how technically challenged we are. Up loading our video's have turned into a nightmare. YouTube only allows for video's no longer than 10 minutes and trust me our video's are longer than that. Goggle video has stopped allowing uploads, so now we are trying to upload the video's and embedding them, put blogspot does not allow for just any upload. We are still working on it and hope we can figure it out soon.

Please stay patient with us. I am sure our grandson of 12 could come over and upload these to the blog in a second, put this is not a subject we want to share with him at this time. I'm sure you understand this. So in the mean time, we are going to start posting typed messages until we get this all figured out.

Thank You and God Bless
Wayne and Kate

Saturday, April 3, 2010

VIDEO'S COMING SOON

Wayne and I have made a decision to open up our lifes through video. We are now going to be video blogging.

When I first found out about Wayne's betrayals I wanted to run and hide, I didn't want anyone to know what he had done to me. It seems everyone feels this way as the shame, guilt and embarrasment is so extreme we do not want others to find out about the betrayals and we really don't want others to know who we are so we live with it in private, in secret and alone. Reality has shown we are not alone, there are so many going through this pain, so Wayne and I have chosen to put our faces out there, real people, not typed words on a computer screen.

My heart is broken for Elin Woods and Sandra Bullock, how the media has taken their pain and turned it into what ever will create rating for their show. I can not imagine how it would feel to have your life and pain splashed all over the television screen daily. Than there are the other women, who seem to not care at all about the pain and damage they have helped to create in the lifes of these women and their families, instead wanting their 15 minutes of fame. Shame on the media for giving these women even 1 second of aire time and now magazine articles. Shame on the companies who hire these women, like Spitzers ex call girl, giving her a job on relationship advice. Why have these women been rewarded for their horribly bad behavior. This is just discusting to me.

Because of this, Wayne and I have decided that putting our faces out there and being real people to this real issue and the damage it has done to both of us, the pain it has truly created and the extremely hard work it takes to repair the damage, to heal from the most devasting pain a person can bare,is important.

SO KEEP COMING BACK, BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO BE POSTING OUR FIRST VIDEO IN THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS, WE ARE ALSO GOING TO BE POSTING VIDEO'S ON UTUBE UNDER SEX ADDICTION. PRAY FOR US TO DO GODS WILL AND THAT WE SHOW HIS GRACE AND WISDOM AS WE OPEN UP OUR LIFES.

If you have any questions you would like us to answer, please email us at healingafterinfidelity@yahoo.com and we will gladly respond via email and through our video blog.

God Bless You All, remembering YOU ARE NOT ALONE:
Kate

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Dr. Oz Show

To Everyone who follows my blog in New York.

I will be in New York from March 16th through the 21st and I would love to meet and visit with anyone who would like to meet up. I will be taking my laptop with me and will be checking any posting here, so if you would like to meet me and my husband while we are there, we would love to meet with you.

Just leave a comment here and we can figure out a way to get in contact.

We will be taping a show on sex addiction with Dr. Oz on Tuesday, the 15th, as guest speakers. So if you are interested please feel free to comment.

God Bless You All
Kate

Monday, March 8, 2010

LESSON

They say "you'll never make it"
And they thought that they were right.
But I kept on plodding onward
Because I hoped "I might."
They shook their heads in wonder
That I lacked the sense to quit
But I held my chin up higher
And didn't mind a bit.

They said "you'll never make it."
As the problems multipled
But I had to make an effort
And know at least I tried.
So I dug my heels in deeper
Though sometimes my Spirt lagged
And I shouldered what was lightest
And the rest I sort of dragged.

I found to my amazement
At the ending of the day
That what they said "I Couldn't"
I had managed anyway.

It only took three little words
"Lord help me" and I rid
Myself of doubt, and all they said
"I'd never do, I DID."

Kate