STEP ONE THROUGH - CORE SOUL ANGER

My grandmothers life, impacted mine so greatly, that I handed out cheap forgiveness to anyone who hurt me. I thought for me to remain an unbitter, cold person I had to.

I was under the wrong impression of what forgiveness meant. I thought once you forgave, it meant you had to forget about it, never bring it up again, shove it so far down inside yourself that it would just magically disappear in time.

My problem with this belief, was it didn't magically disappear, but instead became a place of resentment and frustration.

After the damage done in my marriage, after I discovered my husbands nine year affair, within two weeks I told him I forgave him. I thought since I was so use to forgiveness that it would be easy to do. Just accept it and bury it deep. I was wrong. All that did was cause me to start distancing myself from him. Actually not just him, but my children and grandchildren to.

In the beginning 7 months, after I discovered my husbands affair, I was afraid to show my anger, I didn't know how to show or feel this type of anger and because the fear of him going to her and leaving our marriage was to great, doesn't this show my insecurities. I thought if I showed him what unconditional love was he would stay. Stuffing my feelings, got me no where but more angry. More resentful.

I began to be exactly what I said I would never become, "a cold, bitter, woman." I was becoming my grandmother. The anger rose up inside of me so deep, my soul was black. I had never been here before. I did not know anger to this extreme.

I didn't know what to do, I was lost. I was becoming someone I didn't even recognize, most importantly, even like, let alone love or admire.

I began to hate my husband. To even look at him gave me such disgust, at times I literally threw up. I began to get headaches. Physically I was going down hill. I fought everyday for my sanity. Everyday battling myself inside. Oh, I could fake it outside, when the need arose. I could put on a smile when I had to, but inside, I felt dead. When he would ask "How are you doing, or How was your day." I would say simple, "Fine, it was okay, just another day." That was a lie, now I was beginning to lie to. No longer telling him my true feelings.

Every memory for 18 years was gone. I couldn't look back and have any good or happy thoughts about where we had been, things said, things we had done, everything I once held special and dear was now empty and dirty. He had destroyed our innocence, our purity. I hated the fact I had even allowed him to touch me at all, let only, that I had sex with this man, during all those 18 years. How dare he do this to us, to our family, to me. How could he just throw us away, for what? Nasty sex and women with no morals or integrity. Why wasn't he just proud of the wife he had. She was beautiful, spiritually and physically. How could I have not been good enough for him to love and cherish?

I began to know all the emotions my grandmother had gone through for years. I don't know how many women my grandfather was with, but my husband, around 50 plus. Although the sex and emotional attachment he had with them was hard enough to comprehend, the absolute disgusting things he said about me, put me right over the top. He told his girlfriends, "How he could not stand me," "I was stupid, the most stupid woman he had ever met." "He made the biggest mistake by marrying me." "How he wished he could just be free from me, the bitch." "I was a pathological liar." "I wasted all his hard earned money." "He never loved me but was stuck with me." "I was nothing more than a roommate." It just went on and on. I think the one that got to me the worst was, "How horrible I was at sex." I guess it was to him, because I didn't have sex, I made love and there is a huge difference between them, I wanted to be close to my husband, not just use his body for my own pleasure, but to Love him. I had sacrificed so much of my own needs, wants and desires for a man who did not even want me. I begged him through out the years to just let me go, tell me if he wasn't happy, I would walk away freely. But he lied to me, he would tell him he was happy, he loved being married, didn't want to leave, lied. He also talked horribly about my children, saying they were inbreds, lazy, no good for nothing kids, etc. How can I explain to you just how deeply my anger and pain went. It went to my core.

How could I ever trust him again? In fact, I didn't trust anyone, anymore. Even my children. I distanced myself not just from my family but my friends as well. I was so dark inside, I was afraid of contaminating everyone around me. Sad thing is, I was, whether I was around them or not, my anger was hurting everyone I loved. Everyone.

During those 18 years, I could not imagine disrespecting or disregarding my husband. I loved him.

It took a long time for me to begin to heal my soul. But what I began to discover was that my husband was not me. Because I was trustworthy, I just believed him to be and freely trusted.
Since I was loyal, again, I believed him to be. I knew what unconditional love was, so he must to, right? He could tell me anything and I held it precious to my heart, I gave him the same respect, believing he to held my life sacred. I would have never thrown away my own self respect, self value, self dignity, it held to much value to me and he felt the same way, or I thought. Since I felt and believed a certain way, I just automatically handed my beliefs, my set of values, to my husband. I was wrong. I have now learned, we shouldn't just hand our own thoughts, beliefs or way of living to anyone else. They should earn it. My husband never earned any of these things from me, just because his words sounded good, because he knew what to say, I just freely handed it over, even when his actions or behaviors, didn't prove his words to be true.

I have now discovered, I was doing this with everyone in my life, friends, family, co-workers, everyone.

This was step one in my recovery. Realizing that I was an individual. My thoughts, beliefs, values, character, were mine and I should be proud of them. That others, including my husband, didn't think or feel as I do. As Rick, a counselor I have spoken with, once told me, "When you spot it, you got it." The thing was for me, I never spotted the things I had, my core, in others, my husband included, but I graciously, trustingly, honestly believed, they were just like me and when they let me down, when they didn't have the core values I expected them to have, understand the words, "I EXPECTED," I got hurt, I got angry, I got resentful, I got frustrated.

It wasn't until I realized that I was responsible for my own expectations of others and that just because I had certain standards that I choose to live, didn't mean others, including my husband lived the same standards. This is where I began to let go of the "Why and How could he." Because I began to understand that he was not me and I would never understand the "Why and How," I could not have done what he did and there is absolutely no way for me to ever understand, he could try to explain it for the rest of his life, I would never get it.
I began to let go of the two biggest questions in this maze of infidelity, and the beginning of my freedom began.

I believe this first step is something my grandmother never understood, but than they didn't have the help of professionals or books to read, Internet. Her generation, Women believed they had no value other than to serve their husbands and family. Today we no better, we do have value. We have access to all kinds of help today, but we must be willing to do the work, NO one can do it for us, it is up to us to make our lives healthy and happy.

Start believing in who you are, that you are worth it, your "Not Drinking from a Toxic Well," your drinking from the well of your own life.