A Letter to My Wife 9-7-09
I stand before you a broken Man again. I walked by you as you were going about the busy job of life. You were preoccupied with your task. The task of life, the task of doing for others unconditionally, without regret, always forgiving others, your family, friends, business associates, you asked for no return for what you had to give up. You did not deserve the lies, the darkness, the pain, and I took a moment to reflect. This is not your fault. I know you know this at the intellectual classroom level; I reflect this is not fair. You did not ask for this did not deserve this and I am Sorry. I was wrong again, I take full responsibility, I did it, I did the unthinkable and relapsed. I allowed the evil one to take my thoughts, my actions, I once again was selfish, self centered, after all only just a broken Man.
I take a moment to feel your pain, your hopelessness over the question how could someone make those kind of irreversible choices, allow that kind of pain to flow once again thru the vitals of our relationship. I also wonder at the strength you show, the courage to take on the impossible, the pain, the grief. I would probably faint dead in my tracks if I had to face what you are facing, everyday, those long hard painful nights.
I turned to find you facing those painful reminders of the frailty of the actions and how they affect those that are loved, pain in the very core place that needs a safe place to fall. I suddenly realize just how frail I really am, how vulnerable I am to failure, how I can wreak havoc in my neediness, my selfishness, myself centeredness. I really feel the power of the darkness, the boiling muck right at the very edge, the precipice is right there; the darkness reaches for me as I stand there. I am ashamed of my past, my present, I was wrong, I am responsible. This is a profound apology to you as I know you did not ask for this deserves this, wants this, are not responsible for any of this.
I am sorry. Please pray for my salvation as I trudge the weary road of destiny.
Wayne
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4 comments:
Kate,
I'm sorry to hear about this. I love you, and I think your are wonderful. You deserve more, and to rest the thoughts that haunt you.
And Wayne sorry to say your a Pig.
Love you Kate
Judy Gordon
Kate,
Words almost fail me. You stand by someone and this is the result. I know we all deal with situations in different ways but I have a boundary which is set in stone - any future acting out and my marriage is over. I'm done with forgiving over and over.
Wayne I'm not going to call you a pig. I don't need to call you names because it doesn't change anything. You are what you are. Where's the man you didn't just lead Kate, family and friends to believe in again but also the people who read this blog?
I'm shocked and appalled on Kate's behalf.
Kate,I hope you're somehow getting through this. Is there a time for you when enough is enough?
Thinking of you,
love,
Mags.
Kate and Wayne - I have been following this blog now for the past 8 months or so, and have been praying for you both. May you seek God's will as you move forward through this trial.
This is so tragic. As I read your description of your wife I can´t help thinking what God is trying to tell her? And you?
If my mate is never my problem, he only reveals the problem in me, what has been revealed here? Why do you need porn or any other sexual infidilety in your marriage when you lead everyone else to believe, including yourself, that your wife, your marriage, your family is what you really wan´t?
You know Wayne, I´m not sure you´ve yet internalized how vulnerable your wife has been willing to be for you? How totally naked before God and men she has been willing to be. How much she has given out of what you have taken. You didn´t deserve it. She did it anyway. She´s been navigating through the wreck you left scattered all over your marital road.
It would be interesting to see you set an example for all the unfaithful spouses in similar way. Take over your wife´s blog for some months while you would go through your troubled mind? It´s not her fault, but maybe your relapse really revealed a problem in her? Maybe she´s been the designated driver for too long while maybe, just maybe, you were nothing more than the drunk hitchhiker wearing the mask of the responsible co-driver? And that´s the problem she has revealed in you?
Praying for your mutual healing. Angela
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