CO-DEPENDENCY

The last post were the five warning signs that Dr. Drew gives to know whether you are living with someone who has a sex addiction. I believe there are even more signs, but the most important one is this: IF YOUR GUT STARTS TO TELL YOU THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG, BELIEVE IT. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LIE TO YOURSELF. GOD GAVE US OUR INSTINCTS FOR A REASON AND IGNORING THEM COULD CAUSE US OUR VERY LIFE.

Dr. Drew also calls the spouse with the sex addict a co-dependent, I do not totally agree with this statement. I do not believe every man or woman who is married to a sex addict is a co-dependent. In fact my Pastor/Counselor told the Dr. Oz show that he does not believe I had to many co-dependent traits. I had boundaries in our marriage and there was accountability to crossing my boundaries, the only thing I did not do was file for divorce. Although I never threatened divorce, there were many times it crossed my mind, in fact there were times when I knew I needed to get out and started planning my way out.

When I got sick, very sick, Wayne was not there for me. His reasons always were this: “Your sick and someone has to pay the bills, now I have to do my job and yours, so I have to work.” I accepted and even knew it was true, but I always thought to myself, if the roles were reversed and he was sick nothing would have kept me from being there by his side. I would have figured out a way to do it all. I guarantee he would have been the first thing on my list.

Wayne was never close to his mother, at least not what I would call close. He never called her, never sent her cards or gifts for her birthday or mothers day, even Christmas, I always did the gifts and phone calls to her. Than again in all the years I have been with Wayne she never called him either, not once. When she was diagnosed with Liver Cancer and given a very short time to live, Wayne did not seem upset, in fact his brother in law was the one who was there for her. One Saturday we went to see her for a few hours and Wayne wanted to go home, we live about an hour from where she lived, I suggested we get a motel room that night and that Wayne spend the night with his mother, he did not want to. I knew from her fast decline that she was not going to be here by the next weekend and this just might be Wayne’s last time with her, but all he wanted to do was go home. We got in the car and I kept asking him to stay with her and he kept saying NO. The thoughts that went through my mind that night as we started driving down the freeway was, “If we pull into our driveway, I am ending this marriage.” I thought this because of how he treated me when I was sick and now I was seeing how he was with his own mother dying and I knew that if we pulled into our driveway and he went into the house and fell asleep, I could not live with a man who was this cold, this unemotional, this selfish any longer. I started praying that God would speak to his heart and change his mind and before I knew it Wayne had changed his mind and turned our car around and headed back to spend the night with his mother. She passed away the next day. This is just one example of how every time I decided that I could no longer be involved with Wayne and our marriage, that it was time for me to divorce him and move on, Wayne’s behavior would change, although it was a short period of change, it was during these times that I saw the man I thought I had married and it always pulled me back into the marriage.

So I never just accepted his bad behavior, hateful attitude, lack of responsibility, his inability to be intimate, I always called him out, but it was never bad enough to divorce him over. Whenever I suspected him of infidelity, he always had the words to make me doubt myself and in those times he would even change his behavior for awhile. Its called manipulation and being very, very good at having two lives. So “NO” I do not believe that every one is a co-dependent.

There is such a fine line between loving unconditionally and co-dependency. When our children choose bad behavior and we love them anyway, when they break our hearts and we choose to love them anyway, when they lie and we choose to love them anyway, does that make us co-dependent to them? Although we hold our children accountable to their actions via our choice of punishment, does that mean that we have to leave them, rid them from our lives to not be co-dependent? No, absolutely not.

So what exactly is co-dependency? To me, co-dependency is when we know that someone we love is harming themselves and others and we do nothing. I am going to use my brother and parents here as an example. My brother is an alcoholic, he has been since the age of 20 and is now 49. My mother is a very strong Christian woman, my father became a Christian after marrying my mother and I truly believe that it has been more self serving for him, a Christian of convenience. My parents have paid for and supported my brother through rehab 9 times. The longest I ever remember my brother staying sober was for about 1 year and each time he went back to drinking my parents blamed his circumstances, such as work being to stressful, his wife was a nag, he just couldn’t help himself, etc. My brother worked for my fathers company and would show up almost daily late or he would leave early, he could be drunk or severely hung over, instead of my dad sending him home or even firing him, my dad made excuses for him to everyone and allowed him to stay employed and at work. The job required my brother to run heavy equipment, at times even driving a dump truck. I can not recall how many times my father allowed my brother to operate the equipment with full knowledge that he was drunk and dangerous. When I or anyone else would question my dad about this he would always say, “I don’t want to hurt his feelings,” or “He’s okay.” I can remember a number of times my brother being passed out laying across the seat of a dump truck. My parents supplied my brother and his wife a place to live, they paid their bills. Whatever my brother needed, my parents supplied. If his life got hard, my parents would even help him come up with excuses as to why he couldn’t help himself. It has been very sad and hard to watch all these years. After 20 years of marriage, my sister in law who had stood by my brother through 9 rehabs, his violent temper when he had drank to much, his seizures from alcohol withdrawal, finally divorced him. My parents to this day blame my ex sister in law for not standing beside my brother for life, to them the reason he drank was because of her. Although my father retired and closed his business down, he still to this day financially supports my brother, who can not seem to get or hold down a job and of course every time he gets fired from his employer, it’s the employers fault not my brothers. It has been 3 years since my sister in law divorced my brother and my parents still blame her and my brother is still drinking. Go figure !

I remember at one of his rehab family counseling sessions, the counselor told my parents in all of his 30 years of rehab counseling he has never seen a worse case of co-dependency and enabling than what he has seen with my parents, their response to that statement was laughter.

I feel sorry for my brother because until my parents let him fall and I mean fall hard, he will never truly know what a great life he could have and has been missing out on.

To me this is co-dependency. My parents absolutely know that my brother has a problem, they know it is life and death for him, they continually help him self destruct, they make excuses for his choices and blame everything or anyone else but him, they support him in everyway with absolutely NO accountability to his behavior.

My parents are now retired and travel the country to do voluntary work building churches. Last year they were in Arizona when my brother was arrested for a DUI, they flew immediately home to bail him out, as they did not want him to have to stay in jail. Four months later it happened again and the whole thing was repeated. My parents paid for his attorney, his bail. He lost his driving privileges for a year, so my parents stayed home so they could drive him around. Everyone else who loves my brother, including me, had enough about 4, 5 years ago and will no longer support him in any way other than to let him know we really do love him. If only my parents would truly see just how they are helping my brother destroy his life. I do not believe my parents are doing these things for my brother out of love but more for the feelings they get of being needed. In some ways I think co-dependency is a very selfish behavior.

So now, did I know that Wayne had a problem? I knew he handled things differently than I did, I knew that emotionally he was different than me, I knew he lacked some intimacy skills, I knew he could be irresponsible with finances, I knew there were important issues he couldn’t handle, I knew he had issues with making love, I knew he was a conflict creator and a conflict avoider. Yes there were things I knew. For every thing I did know, there was accountability for it. You can not hold someone accountable because they feel different than you, they handle their emotions different, they lack certain intimacy skills, we all have our own opinions, ideas. Everyone is different and lacking in areas of life, if we do not accept that than we would have no relationships whether it be our children, friends, other family members or co workers.

I did not know Wayne was a serial cheater, I did not know Wayne was watching pornography, I did not know he visited Adult bookstores, I did not know he paid prostitutes for sex, I did not know Wayne was having numerous one night stands, or long term girlfriends, I did not know that sex was Wayne’s number one priority, I did not know he was putting his life, my life and the life’s of many others in danger, I did not know Wayne was masturbating a lot, I did not know Wayne was telling everyone how he couldn’t stand me, that I was stupid, the biggest bitch or that he wanted a divorce, I did not know Wayne had so many secrets, I did not know he was a master at lying and manipulation. If I had of known about any of this, do you honestly think I would have supported him in doing it? NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

What Wayne was doing was so well hidden, he knew exactly how to live two separate life’s by the time I met him. He knew how to lie very well. He knew exactly what to do and say in both worlds to keep them going. As far as for me, I knew nothing about his other world. You can not hold someone accountable for something you know nothing about. Had I of caught him, not supposition but fact, one time there would have been huge accountability to it, just like there has been since November 24, 2006.

Now that I know the real true issue facing Wayne, I will not waver an inch with my boundaries or the accountability to crossing them. Wayne is at the steering wheel of his life and if he chooses to drive drunk than he chooses to not have me as his passenger. This is not a game, it is life and death for anyone who chooses to close their eyes for the sake of what you might call LOVE. Look at the other passengers in your life, your children, friends, extended family, etc. that love you and that depend on you, than ask yourself,

“Are you blindly and in the name of Love allowing someone else to drive your life while they are drunk with lust, alcohol, drugs, etc, and are you willing to put all your other loved ones at risk as well?”

If you answered YES to this, than co-dependency is something you might need help with. Co-dependency can stand for “I don’t want my life to change, I want it to go back to the way it was, to what I believed it was.” “I will accept anything to just keep this person in my life.” “I can’t live without this person.” “I need this person to feel whole.” "I will protect, support this person no matter what they do."

If you answered NO, it does not mean that you have to remove your spouse from your life but what it does mean is work, change, growth. Facing your own fears, insecurities. Setting boundaries that are uncrossable. For the other person to remain in your life, they are going to have to work and work hard on change. You are going to have to watch their behavior and not listen to their words. You are going to have to change and grow within yourself. Words like, “To remain in my life, you are going to have to get into counseling, read self help books, go to group meetings, learn about your issues, if you are not worth doing this work to improve your own life, than it is not worth it to me to stay.” “I’m going to change my life, your welcome to come along but only if you change yours.” “I love you enough to say goodbye.” “I am willing to work towards forgiveness and reconciliation, but only if you get help and we work on change together.” If your spouse is unwilling to do the work to change and respect your boundaries, than you must WALK AWAY and if your not willing to walk away than you need to go back and answer YES to the question above.

Please do not answer YES and call it LOVE, that is not LOVE, that is self fulfilling, it is about self. Love means letting go if it is in the best interest of the other person. Love has nothing to do with your own fears and insecurities. Unconditional Love means, “I will let you fall so you can pick yourself back up.” Not everyone, but most learn their best lessons in life by falling and when we stand in their way of falling we are cheating them of learning. Most of us will stand in the way for our own selfish reasons.

Something to think about, what would your answer be? YES or NO !

God Bless
Kate