Letter to my husband in 1999

Wayne,

I couldn't lay in bed anymore, it's 11:15 pm. I've been trying to figure out how to make you understand how I feel. I can't, it has finally really dawned on me that I can't. I even know why, because it's not important enough to you to understand.

You should be my best friend, but that takes listening, understanding, loyalty, honesty, commitment, responsibility to feelings and trust, but most of all respect. These are things you do not have with me.

1. You do not hear the things I say, even when and most importantly, it comes from my heart.
2. You can't understand because you always have the answers even when there are no questions.
3. Loyalty, is not just faithfulness, it also means making someone feel important, making them matter in your life.
4. Honesty, mean's NO secrets, and I know you have them, they keep a wall between us.
5. Commitment, Now there is a word which means to make it work, no matter what, what it may take, you don't have that with me because I have to be number one on your priority list and for 11 years, I've been telling you this, but I'm not a priority to you. Where's you commitment?
6. Feelings, the responsibility that goes with it. You take no responsibility for the things you say and do, that hurt me, it always ends up my fault. If you were to say or do something that upset a friend you would be on bended knee apologizing, you'd feel bad, it's just not that way with me, you don't treat me that way at all. No if you say or do something that hurts me, it becomes my fault, you take NO responsibility for my feelings at all and the way you treat them.
7. Trust, well it is more than just telling the truth, its trusting someone with your life, your feelings, your dreams, your secrets. This is not something I have with you. I have tried trusting you, but you let me down, time and time again. Why? When I have been sick, really sick, you will leave me alone, I have to call and beg you for help, than when you do come to help you want me to treat you like a hero, problem is I shouldn't have to ask, just like you never have to ask, I am just there. Even my birthday or anniversary, lets just say holidays in general, it is always up to me, never a surprise from you, nothing special from your heart. There is never anything special from you to me. Not even a little thing made special. Why?
8. RESPECT: Here's a big word. Now name one thing you respect about me? Tell me one time where you've shown it to me? When you treat me like I am stupid and 3 years old, where I have no experience in life and you have to teach me everything, because why I say has no value. Not only does that show lack of respect, it does allot of damage to my self respect. What I really don't understand is if that is truly how you feel about me, why is it than that when we get into a jam or problems arise, you expect me to just solve it, take care of it, you run and I'm left cleaning up the mess, that you create about 80% of the time. Do you get at all what I am saying?

I have had to fight a lot of battles alone, believe it or not most likely more than you have ever faced, in my 42 years. I have done things that you will never do, I pray. I had a life before you, I know I could do fine without you, but I did not get married almost 11 years ago just so I could get divorced, when life got hard, I expected a partner, a companion, a helpmate. We have been through allot of bumpy roads together, every time we got through one, I was the one changing, somehow it always became my fault, I even accepted it.

It's unbelievable to me that you tell me "You see a pretty woman and you picture her naked, guess what? It's my fault. Lucky me. Please tell me, just how do I make you do that. I am your wife, I know I am beautiful, yet you aren't proud of the woman who carries your last name and it's my fault?

When I asked you to take a lie detector test so that I could put my suspicions behind me, you refused, why? Oh that's right you have secrets, but there not about having an affair. How silly of me that I should think you are trustworthy, as there should be NO secrets between us. I have opened my life to you completely, why haven't you with me?

You get caught leaving a woman's motel room at 5:30 to 6:00 am, by a friend of mine, but you were only there getting her to sign work papers. You couldn't wait for her to get to work at 7:30am, because they had to be in the office when it opened at 8:00, Lie's Wayne, Lie's. You told me you'd never taken her to breakfast, lunch or dinner. When I spoke with her she said something quite different. I believe you wanted to sleep with her, maybe you even did, but one thing I know, you wanted to. This happened only 6 months into our marriage.

It's time for honesty. I know deep in my heart you have not been faithful to me. My gut feelings are hardly ever wrong and why I am choosing to listen to you instead of myself is strictly based on faith, faith in you, most likely unwarranted. I know there are things that need to be told, until they are I will never have peace. Please, Please, Please come clean and let me heal, one way or the other.

Property, money, belongings are all material things to me, they hold no value in my heart. If you think that you have given me everything, please go back and read 1 thru 8 of this letter. There is nothing more important to me than our marriage, it's time to put it on the line. I want more, I want honesty, I want trust, I want respect, I want to feel safe with you, there is only one way to get it and that is from you. It's all up to you. If you can't give me these things, than we have nothing, we are nothing more that roommates. I don't want to be your roommate, I want to be your wife in every sense of the word. I love you.

This is how I feel, these are the things I struggle with in our relationship, please, I beg of you, I need answers. We can start clean but I need honesty. If I am important at all to you, take time, make time, put me first and be honest with me.

All of these issues have been eating me up for years and it has changed who I am as a person. I am not afraid of your answers, I just need them so badly. Please!

I love you, even if we are not meant to be together, I will always love you. I wouldn't be here in this marriage and I wouldn't be writing this letter if I didn't care about you or us, if I didn't love you. I just can't live this way anymore. I try everyday, but to many things, thoughts come back and they push me away from you, I don't want to be at this distance, I want to be a part of you, you are the only one who can make this happen.

I have to face all of this and get rid of it once and for all and either start our life over, or say good bye. You are the only one who can help me with this. I am on bended knee, asking you to stop saying what you think I want to hear and start speaking the truth, I need it so desperately.

If you ever loved me, if our marriage ever meant anything to you, talk to me, openly, honestly and please do it soon.

I Love You Unconditionally, believe this.

Kate - Your Wife