EXCUSE, JUSTIFY AND TOLERATE:
Three of my favorite words.
I have been having a hard time posting to my blog the past 5 to 6 weeks because I have been dealing with a battle inside myself. I have truly discovered that the three words above have been very near and dear to my heart throughout my life.
First, I have made excuses for the way I have been treated. Excuses like, "Well he works so hard." "He didn't have the moral compass I had." "He's so busy." "He's under so much stress." After I excuse the behavior, I justify it, "We need the money." "He works so hard, I shouldn't be complaining." "He feels like no one appreciates him, I need to step up more." "He's so busy, I need to do more." "He just doesn't understand, after all men aren't emotional." "Why ask the question, he'll probably just lie to me anyway." Finally, I tolerated it by setting no accountability to his actions and accepting that I don't deserve better or more.
EXCUSE, JUSTIFY than TOLERATE. I have been asking myself, Why? Why have I made these three words describe who I am?
I can tell you I have completely forgiven my husband for all the lies, betrayal and hurtful things he has done and said to and about me. Honestly, I don't carry it anymore. I have released the anger and resentment. This in no way means I have forgotten, forgetting is just not something I will ever do or even try to do. I want to always remember. I want to always remember just what this man, the one I loved and admired, is capable of doing to me, others and himself. Truthfully its not just about him, its about me to, never forgetting what I can do, excuse, justify and tolerate.
Something happened to me shortly after my two year anniversary of discovery. I found out that I was on the fence. I had one foot in my relationship with him and one foot out. Suddenly I realized that I was not committed to our relationship, nor was I committed to getting out.
The past two years, I truly believed I was working towards recommitting. I believe Wayne has been doing some amazingly hard core work on himself and the changes I have seen. Never would I have imagined he could, or would be willing to do this kind of self improvement, just two years ago. I ask myself, can I really believe his changes or is he just saying and doing what he thinks I want him to say and do? Truly though, what does it matter? It is NOT his changes or lack there of, ITS MINE. My changes, the issues I have discovered about myself, that keep me on the fence.
Excuse, Justify and Tolerate, am I doing that still. I ask myself, am I seeing changes in him because I so badly want them? Am I now excusing my own feelings? Am I now justifying my reasons for the choice's I am making, than am I just tolerating my decisions? I have CHANGED. Have I changed to much?
My oldest daughter has left her husband. He has alcohol and prescription drug problems, he doesn't work enough to support them, so they have been living with her Mother In Law now for over two years. She has grown tired of her Mother In Law's interference in their marriage and her enabling of her son's issues, so my daughter finally decided to leave her marriage. She has been staying with us now for the past month. She has three children, ages 9, 7 and 11 months, they are also here. I see the pain in them everyday. I hear how much they miss their dad and I witness their tears quite often. As a grandmother it absolutely breaks my heart. Their sadness at the breakup of their family is changing their very being, their soul, I see their young spirits being changed, damaged everyday and possibly forever. I watch as my daughter tries her best to comfort them, to assure them that it will be okay. Their heartbreak is enormous, their sense of security and safety is gone. The stress my daughter goes through just to get them all ready for school and herself off to work, at times makes her feel less of a mom. In the back ground, I feel overwhelming sadness for them all.
But there is another kind of battle that rages inside of me. My daughter and grandchildren, especially my grandchildren, brought this war to the surface in me. One that should have been raging long ago. I guess I ignored or buried this issue somewhere inside me, maybe because of all the pain of Wayne's complete story, I just overlooked this one or just didn't want to truly face it. Maybe once again I just excused, justified and tolerated the information, because to have really thought it through it would have been to much, but it still got slammed home to me hard when my daughter moved in and I had to finally, completely face the true hard facts about certain parts of Wayne's behavior prior to discovery.
Wayne admitted to me about a year into discovery that he had broken up four marriages during our 18 years together. One marriage broke up after her husband found out about Wayne. She had three children. Of course he tried to tell me that her husband was abusive to her anyway so it was NO big deal that their marriage ended, he almost sounded like he did her a big favor. I have recently spoken with someone who is a friend of this woman. Wayne's affair partner use to work for the company that did our business payroll and I was able to contact her friend through some old records of ours. She told me that Wayne's affair partners husband was not abusive in anyway and that he adored his wife and family, he as well ended up with the kids and her life has gone down hill, one man after the other and is extremely unhappy and lives with alot of regret. How can Wayne not feel remorse over hurting children, damaging lives, or having any part in breaking up a family. How can he not know how his involvement with this woman hurt her children, most likely changing their spirits forever. I really don't know if he even realizes what he has done and the affect his selfish acts had on other children's lives, for the rest of their life. Yes, it was their mothers responsibility to take care of her children and to protect them from pain, she made a horrendously bad decision in having an affair, but to me, Wayne is just as much responsible.
I can't help but hurt for the children that Wayne's issues affected. For the families he helped destroy. He is still with his family. He still has his wife, children and grandchildren. Yet he was a big part of the destruction of other families. In some ways, I feel he has made me a conspirator in all of this and this is part of the battle that rages inside of me.
Why I never felt or thought about what he did to these families when he told me, is just another example of my EXCUSE, JUSTIFY and TOLERATE mentality. Excused it by telling myself it was just another affair, Justified it by saying, it was her choice, and Tolerated it by not truly facing it.
I am ashamed of me right now. Ashamed for having any part of the destruction of any family. Ashamed to have any part of causing pain in any child's life. Even though the damage being done was unknown to me at the time, he was still my husband, my partner, my other half, as they say and the things he did, said, reflect back on me. That is why safety is so important in marriage. You must feel safe that your partner would do nothing that would bring you harm or shame in anyway.
What Wayne did is inexcusable, unjustifiable and intolerable. Through God's Grace, its forgivable. Although I have chosen to forgive Wayne, it does not necessarily mean I can accept or overlook what he has done and brought into my life. I have heard him say many times how he does not want to lose his family, but what about the families he so easily helped destroy, do you think they wanted to lose their families?
This whole thing is very sad and the battle rages on within me as I see the heartbreak and tears of the children.
If you have been wondering why I have not been posting lately, this is why. I have been in a battle within myself and every word I tried to write prior to this posting just didn't seem to work. I should have faced this battle along time ago, but it took my daughter and grandchildren to help me face it. God works in mysterious ways. God knew I needed to face this storm and was not doing it, so He dropped another bomb shell in my lap and made me look. My precious grandchildren, my beautiful daughter and now I see, my eye's are opened. There is no value on earth higher than family. No pain greater than losing family. No love greater here on earth as the unconditional love of family. How do you live with the knowledge that you were a part of the demise of a family, worse yet families.
I have been having a hard time posting to my blog the past 5 to 6 weeks because I have been dealing with a battle inside myself. I have truly discovered that the three words above have been very near and dear to my heart throughout my life.
First, I have made excuses for the way I have been treated. Excuses like, "Well he works so hard." "He didn't have the moral compass I had." "He's so busy." "He's under so much stress." After I excuse the behavior, I justify it, "We need the money." "He works so hard, I shouldn't be complaining." "He feels like no one appreciates him, I need to step up more." "He's so busy, I need to do more." "He just doesn't understand, after all men aren't emotional." "Why ask the question, he'll probably just lie to me anyway." Finally, I tolerated it by setting no accountability to his actions and accepting that I don't deserve better or more.
EXCUSE, JUSTIFY than TOLERATE. I have been asking myself, Why? Why have I made these three words describe who I am?
I can tell you I have completely forgiven my husband for all the lies, betrayal and hurtful things he has done and said to and about me. Honestly, I don't carry it anymore. I have released the anger and resentment. This in no way means I have forgotten, forgetting is just not something I will ever do or even try to do. I want to always remember. I want to always remember just what this man, the one I loved and admired, is capable of doing to me, others and himself. Truthfully its not just about him, its about me to, never forgetting what I can do, excuse, justify and tolerate.
Something happened to me shortly after my two year anniversary of discovery. I found out that I was on the fence. I had one foot in my relationship with him and one foot out. Suddenly I realized that I was not committed to our relationship, nor was I committed to getting out.
The past two years, I truly believed I was working towards recommitting. I believe Wayne has been doing some amazingly hard core work on himself and the changes I have seen. Never would I have imagined he could, or would be willing to do this kind of self improvement, just two years ago. I ask myself, can I really believe his changes or is he just saying and doing what he thinks I want him to say and do? Truly though, what does it matter? It is NOT his changes or lack there of, ITS MINE. My changes, the issues I have discovered about myself, that keep me on the fence.
Excuse, Justify and Tolerate, am I doing that still. I ask myself, am I seeing changes in him because I so badly want them? Am I now excusing my own feelings? Am I now justifying my reasons for the choice's I am making, than am I just tolerating my decisions? I have CHANGED. Have I changed to much?
My oldest daughter has left her husband. He has alcohol and prescription drug problems, he doesn't work enough to support them, so they have been living with her Mother In Law now for over two years. She has grown tired of her Mother In Law's interference in their marriage and her enabling of her son's issues, so my daughter finally decided to leave her marriage. She has been staying with us now for the past month. She has three children, ages 9, 7 and 11 months, they are also here. I see the pain in them everyday. I hear how much they miss their dad and I witness their tears quite often. As a grandmother it absolutely breaks my heart. Their sadness at the breakup of their family is changing their very being, their soul, I see their young spirits being changed, damaged everyday and possibly forever. I watch as my daughter tries her best to comfort them, to assure them that it will be okay. Their heartbreak is enormous, their sense of security and safety is gone. The stress my daughter goes through just to get them all ready for school and herself off to work, at times makes her feel less of a mom. In the back ground, I feel overwhelming sadness for them all.
But there is another kind of battle that rages inside of me. My daughter and grandchildren, especially my grandchildren, brought this war to the surface in me. One that should have been raging long ago. I guess I ignored or buried this issue somewhere inside me, maybe because of all the pain of Wayne's complete story, I just overlooked this one or just didn't want to truly face it. Maybe once again I just excused, justified and tolerated the information, because to have really thought it through it would have been to much, but it still got slammed home to me hard when my daughter moved in and I had to finally, completely face the true hard facts about certain parts of Wayne's behavior prior to discovery.
Wayne admitted to me about a year into discovery that he had broken up four marriages during our 18 years together. One marriage broke up after her husband found out about Wayne. She had three children. Of course he tried to tell me that her husband was abusive to her anyway so it was NO big deal that their marriage ended, he almost sounded like he did her a big favor. I have recently spoken with someone who is a friend of this woman. Wayne's affair partner use to work for the company that did our business payroll and I was able to contact her friend through some old records of ours. She told me that Wayne's affair partners husband was not abusive in anyway and that he adored his wife and family, he as well ended up with the kids and her life has gone down hill, one man after the other and is extremely unhappy and lives with alot of regret. How can Wayne not feel remorse over hurting children, damaging lives, or having any part in breaking up a family. How can he not know how his involvement with this woman hurt her children, most likely changing their spirits forever. I really don't know if he even realizes what he has done and the affect his selfish acts had on other children's lives, for the rest of their life. Yes, it was their mothers responsibility to take care of her children and to protect them from pain, she made a horrendously bad decision in having an affair, but to me, Wayne is just as much responsible.
I can't help but hurt for the children that Wayne's issues affected. For the families he helped destroy. He is still with his family. He still has his wife, children and grandchildren. Yet he was a big part of the destruction of other families. In some ways, I feel he has made me a conspirator in all of this and this is part of the battle that rages inside of me.
Why I never felt or thought about what he did to these families when he told me, is just another example of my EXCUSE, JUSTIFY and TOLERATE mentality. Excused it by telling myself it was just another affair, Justified it by saying, it was her choice, and Tolerated it by not truly facing it.
I am ashamed of me right now. Ashamed for having any part of the destruction of any family. Ashamed to have any part of causing pain in any child's life. Even though the damage being done was unknown to me at the time, he was still my husband, my partner, my other half, as they say and the things he did, said, reflect back on me. That is why safety is so important in marriage. You must feel safe that your partner would do nothing that would bring you harm or shame in anyway.
What Wayne did is inexcusable, unjustifiable and intolerable. Through God's Grace, its forgivable. Although I have chosen to forgive Wayne, it does not necessarily mean I can accept or overlook what he has done and brought into my life. I have heard him say many times how he does not want to lose his family, but what about the families he so easily helped destroy, do you think they wanted to lose their families?
This whole thing is very sad and the battle rages on within me as I see the heartbreak and tears of the children.
If you have been wondering why I have not been posting lately, this is why. I have been in a battle within myself and every word I tried to write prior to this posting just didn't seem to work. I should have faced this battle along time ago, but it took my daughter and grandchildren to help me face it. God works in mysterious ways. God knew I needed to face this storm and was not doing it, so He dropped another bomb shell in my lap and made me look. My precious grandchildren, my beautiful daughter and now I see, my eye's are opened. There is no value on earth higher than family. No pain greater than losing family. No love greater here on earth as the unconditional love of family. How do you live with the knowledge that you were a part of the demise of a family, worse yet families.
The daily battle of all this is mine. Although Wayne did the act, it is my own responsibility for how I overcome it within myself. There are no words that Wayne could use, no action he could do to help me. This is MY BATTLE. MY NIGHTMARE. MY ISSUE. I ask you all to pray for me, that God will give me the wisdom to lay this to rest, the strenght to win this battle and the Grace to continue to love unconditionally. Pray as well for all the families damaged by infidelity. For the children, their healing and for their parents ability to understand how their selfish acts truly, painfully hurt their children, FOREVER.
God Bless Each and Everyone of You
Kate
5 comments:
I read your blog and feel your sadness and pain, I have so much compassion for you and hope you can put the pieces of your life back together. My daughter is going through a similar situation and has sought comfort and support from her family and church. I admire her strength and courage as I admire yours. I would like to recommend two books by R.T. Kendall. How To Forgive Oursevles Totally and Total Forgiveness. You have nothing to feel guilty over, your husband's sin is not your sin. You are in my prayers. Kathy
Dear Kate,
I'm sorry you have to go through this.
I will be praying for you, and all the other women who have to deal with this.
Hang in there Kathy
Judy Gordon
I struggle with the very same battle. My husband has also destroyed a number of peoples lives. One story I would like to share. He left a "I love you " voice mail on his affair partners cellphone once and her little son retrieved it and thats how he found out that mommy was seeing MY HUSBAND on the weekends. He was devastated. How could my husband do that to a child? What long term effect will this have on this boy? Another story, My husband took a stripper and her small son out to lunch one day. This is a girl he met in a club and had an affair with. This poor child. How many lunches has he been dragged on?? How many children has My husband totally confused and now their family is ripped apart. These a re just 2. There is more. I am also there with you Kathy. I understand your pain, but unlike you, I can't forgive him and I can't forgive me!
Maybe one day!
Kate,
Wish I could take some of the pain away for you. The shame isn't yours to carry, none of this happened with your knowledge or consent. It's okay to feel sad about it but not responsible in any way. I'm sure the families affected by your husband's behaviour are more forgiving towards you than you are yourself. I also believe that if there is a partner in a relationship prepared to engage in infidelity then it's going to happen - if not your husband then someone else's - and vice versa.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you are a caring compassionate loving human being doing the best you can under what have been difficult circumstances. Don't stay in this dip too long, you have your own well being to consider.
love,
Mags
My husband and his affair partner (a friend of the family) left her younger children with her teenage step-daughter when they met. This poor 14 year old girl... who said to her mother, "I don't know why you're staying married when you're both giving up your one shot at true love." Are you following that? This girl was the step-daughter of my husband's affair partner... HER father's 2nd wife. And what were they teaching her with this? Don't stick to your marriage vows, pursue "true love" at all costs... and never mind the wreckage. Between our two households we had SEVEN children who would have been devastated by these two marriages being broken up. My husband and I have reconciled and are on the path to healing, but I worry about the millstone around his neck for what he taught this poor teenager.
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