TOUGH LOVE - BY WAYNE

Sex Addicts and the Tough Love they need:

This is from the black hole I used to be in. I had not many moments I could not think about sex, plan to get sex, want to be having sex. I could do all this and still have what I considered a normal day. This was my world, my nightmare as I look back on it. I am not even sure if I understood what true Intimacy ever was. I know after looking back it was a compulsion for relief, an escape valve when the pressure got too much. This overwhelming need to lust and be lusted after. This is right out of the Sex Addicts book and 12 step program. This came from inside of me, from defects I had acquired along life’s road. I no more had any idea what my wife kept begging me to do, join her in our relationship, be honest “ how could I be honest with such behavior going on inside“, I felt devoid of emotions. I finally began to get healthier after Discovery at the young age of 54.

MY WIFE SHOWED WHAT TOUGH LOVE IS.

Tough Love:

1. My wife could never have fixed what was broken on my inside. I had to take that step.

2. This came with time, research { Mostly, actually all, from my loving wife} and my willingness to at least try to work on being and thinking different.

3. I wonder if I could have ever done this without God’s intervention. I think he said ENOUGH OF THIS MY SON, as he sat in the corner and wept when I was in my addiction. I turned something he gave to us, his children, his creation, what was intended to be a natural bonding source to become something quite ugly. Something that would hurt others, use others, help others use us as well, turning our backs on those that love and care for us.

4. I attend the 12 step program and I feel sometimes hopeless as I see men that have been sober for sometimes years, fall back into their addiction, sometimes some do not even bother to try to get one day sober. I see marriage rings on their hands and I feel sorry for those that Love this poor man. I am filled with determination to not go down this road.

TOUGH LOVE:
A. I have to remain Sober, working on my inner landscape everyday.

B. I can not hold anyone else accountable, not even the past hurts, pain that I received at the hands of others. I have to avoid feeling the VICTIM ROLE as this is nothing more than an excuse to ACT OUT.

C. I have learned to ask my GOD for help. I will never be cured, I will never be normal. I will always be Broken.

D. I can have a better life, this has to come from inside of me, not from my wife, family, etc. from me.

I have had to quite blaming others, my wife foremost, my family, friends, coworkers, the grocery clerk, etc, and forgive all the past transgressions { Addicts use this to enable their behavior} I know as I used to do this. I had to want to change my life and the words that will be spoken about me when I am gone to be with my God. I had to face the horrible shame I felt that I could have turned out to so incredibly hurtful to others. This is a hard thing to face up to, a hard thing to put aside your pride, hollow as it is, and face the world with my issues. I hope to one day walk in an upright position again, look my neighbor in the eye with warmth, kindness, knowing that I have overcome this huge beast inside of me.

Please be aware this will never, ever go away. It is every addicts battle, his battle to battle alone, as he needs to face it on it’s own terms, it’s own battlefield, his inside place, his core.
I would hope that all the Women who read this posting realize it is not about them, what they look like, what they wear, how they are in the Private moments with their husband. This is something ugly in this broken man, something you could not fix, be enough for, do anything to change it. It is in him.

My wife has shown me true unconditional love as I work through this stuff. Set boundaries I dare not cross if I am ever able to rebuild my self respect, my honor { I had completely lost that, if I ever had it} asking me to be accountable to God and make choices that would please him as she and I would also benefit from these better choices.

I would ask the women that feel somehow responsible to let that go. You are not to blame. He is the broken one. He has let you down, let you believe he is something he is not. He has let something that was meant to be beautiful turn to rot inside him, becoming unhealthy, using others for his own selfish ends. Shame on us, we should have better standards, better integrity, try to get a better understanding about what God meant for man and women to enjoy in a sexual way, together.

I know that every addict out there would love a quick fix, not going to happen of course, and would love to live normal. Not going to happen ever. This is his life long battle. Be assured that if your addict has left to continue doing his addiction, it is an addiction, as there is nothing wrong with any daughter of God, he will not ever find peace. This will forever haunt him, ruin others lives, others families as he keeps thrashing and lashing out to try to still that awful noise and dysfunction inside himself. All we can do is pray for this sick person, ask our father to help him, Love him from a distance as he is not capable of giving love back, only taking.