Inner Landscape & Healing

Inner Landscape

I will add that in working thru my old behavior and my stuff, I have embraced the following. I have taken on the responsibility of learning how I got where I am at. I have embraced, hopefully not to heavily, on the fact that I have acquired defects of character due to things, people, issues, circumstances that were out of my control. I have gotten my arms around the fact that these effected me in ways I did not deal with well. I also know these things affected me in a profound way and they finally erupted out of me in an unhealthy way. THIS is a great fact. I then used this as a way to lash out at those that loved me, mostly my Wife, who stood by me no matter what I was doing or whom I was hurting. I would like to thank my wife for always being there for me. I would go back to change the past if I could, I cannot. This also is a great fact. I can only try to offer a better me, get my arms around why I could lash out at Her and others as well as the world in general.

I would offer this to other struggling souls that, knowing that I cannot give something I do not have; Knowledge, only I would offer this as I am trying to learn. The working through our past and trying to get our arms around the brokenness that contributed to our ability to lash out at our partners, wives, husbands, etc that giving back to others is the way to true healing. I have also come to the realization I can not fix my wife’s pain, her struggles, her healing. I have found that this must be her battle, her journey. I can only be supportive, offer a better me, stay away from being defensive, falling back on old behaviors to cope with the tough stuff while working on my difficult issues in my everyday life, my inner landscape, how I perceive and deal with this as a core person. This alone will help me heal the past brokenness, the pain of betrayal, working towards a better tomorrow.

I know this is a very hard issue for her to overcome, years of supporting me as I thrash about, giving up her dreams, her needs, and her joy and peace. I see her struggle and I try to build and have Empathy for her in those moments when She is distant, obscure, walled off. I know I need to give her grace, allow the healing to flow and pray for God to help her in her human struggles.

They say stuff can be forgiven. I struggle with this as I see my actions as unforgivable. Most of mankind might agree with this, at least in my mind, and I have learned that forgiveness includes that even though it is unforgivable; it is maybe possible to learn new behaviors that would include learning to live with it, learning to work through it, learn from it so I never duplicate it, fall back on old behaviors, learn new coping skills.

I am committed to work towards a better understanding of the trials and tribulations, the pain, the hurt that I have dropped onto my wife. I will always try to work through the tough times, have empathy for the stuff I have let enter our lives, ruin our history, stain the fabric of our lives together. This is what I mean by the unforgivable and learning to live with and cope with the stuff that I allowed into our relationship. I will continue to pray for my brothers and sisters that continue to struggle, the hurt, and the pain. I pray for your release from this and I would pray for you to have all the joy, peace and prosperity God promises us.

Wayne