I was asked a very sincere and good question, after my last posting. I was also asked to ponder this question before answering it. The question was asked through email, here is the question, "Now that you know all the carnage to the other families left by your husband, what do you think God wants you to do with it?"
I have decided to answer this here on my blog. I want everyone who read my last posting to truly understand what I believe God is telling me, especially at this juncture of my life.
I believe God has been telling me to STAND UP for years. Here's the thing, I believe God gave us our instincts for a reason. I believe that is how He speaks to us. Each and everyone of us, whether we have an addiction or not, we know RIGHT from WRONG. We all know that hurting others, especially those that love us, is WRONG. No excuses. For years, I mean years, I have chosen to believe my husband over God. I have believed his words over those of my own gut, my instinct. God told me for YEARS that things were not right with my husband and I chose to ignore his warnings. I chose a man and his words over my OWN and most importantly My FATHER.
What is He, my God, my High Power telling me now, He is telling me to rise above, to show His Grace. Not just to my husband but to all mankind.
Is he telling me that to do this, to show His Grace, His Mercy, His Love that I have to stand with or beside my husband? NO
You say that "Most couples don't make it through this type of wreckage because they don't have the strength to do the work required." I don't believe your greatest strength is in supporting someones decision to sin and hurt so many in the process, forgiveness yes, supporting absolutely NOT. I don't believe that the greatest strength is in maintaining or remaining in your marriage.
I believe it takes your greatest strength in maintaining your Faith in God and in yourself. I believe it takes more strength in rebuilding your own life after someone, you believed in, trusted, respected, loved and depended on to keep you safe, decided to abuse it for their own selfish reasons. This is why Christ gave us the choice or freedom to divorce for unfaithfulness. He knew this type of betrayal would test OUR faith in Him.
Do I believe that adultery is the only act that is unfaithful? NO. I believe there are many ways be unfaithful. The word adultery is used in Scripture throughout the Bible, in this particular versus, He uses the word UNFAITHFUL. Why not Adultery? To me, unfaithful is not just the act of sex alone, it is lying, secrets, any type of deception, to me, this all describes unfaithful. Doesn't God see this type of behavior as unfaithful to Him?
Tell me what sin is greater? The sin of turning others from God or the sin of adultery? My husbands actions, decisions, turned many from God. There is NO greater way to bring His lost children to Him than through our actions. Through the Grace of our lives.
Do I believe that God is calling me to carry the cross of my husbands sin? NO, that is why HE died on the cross. He is not calling me to die there. I am his child, his daughter, He loves me unconditionally and He wants me to be filled with Joy and Peace.
Throughout this whole ordeal with my husband I pictured myself carrying the cross through the streets of Jerusalem, as Christ did, beat, battered, bloody, with people cursing at me and I was determined to get my cross to the top of the hill as Christ did His. I was determined to die there next to the sinner, than I remembered, that is why Christ died, so we, I would not have to. He died to forgive us of OUR sins, not the sins of others. He only calls us to forgive them, not support them, not to excuse them, not to Judge, but He also calls us not to let others, including our spouses, steal our Joy, our Peace and most importantly our Belief in Him. Its through our Joy and Peace which allows us to show Gods Grace to others. When we allow someone to attack that part of us, it allows depression and negative thoughts to rule our lives, God calls us to guard against this.
I truly believe that Christ is not calling me to stay with my husband, nor is he calling me to leave. He is calling me to be my best, do my best and not to waver in my FAITH. To be true to who I am in Him. Not who I am in or with my husband. My Father, God or Higher Power is asking me to LOVE HIM, BELIEVE in HIM and TRUST in HIM.
Although my husband was a nonbeliever prior to discovery, it does not excuse his behavior. It does not mean that he didn't no what he was doing was WRONG and it does not make it RIGHT in anyway, we learn very early in life that this type of behavior is inexcusable and WRONG. The prostitute at the well was a nonbeliever, until she met Christ. He did not say, "Because you did not know me, you have not sinned." No, what He said was, "Go and Sin No More." Christ did not excuse her sin, He forgave it. My husband has found forgiveness through his new found Faith in Christ. He has found what I have known for years. He now has truly seen God's Grace through my actions, which is strictly because Christ put that Grace in my heart. If I did not believe in or have Christ in my own life, as a human being standing alone, I could in NO WAY be anywhere near him. I do wonder though, how my husband will do in his Faith, as it has not been tested yet, especially the way mine has. What will he do when his Faith is tested and we all as Christians know that Faith will be tested.
My Faith has been tested many times, at times I think of JOB in the Bible, how often his Faith was tested. How he screamed out to God. I have battled my Faith through the loss of Loved Ones, both young and old, through being raped at a young age as a virgin and being told, even by my parents that it was my own fault, "I shouldn't have walked home that night." "I shouldn't have talked to this man." on and on, than at 41 a physical illness took over my life, at times taking me to a point where I would get up in the middle of the night in such pain I would vomit and beg God to just take me home and the next night asking for His will to be done. Telling Him, Please Lord let me live to see and enjoy my grandchildren. Altough my suffering went on for over a year before my doctor was able to stablize my condition it was three months later that my daughter told me she was pregnant and before the first year was gone, my first grandchild was born. 6 grandchildren in 10 years, isn't GOD great. My Faith has been put to the test many, many times but this has been the most extreme test of all.
What is God telling me? Nothing more than to Believe in Him, Love Him and make Him center of my life, keep my Faith in Him strong and He will reward me, whether here on earth or in Heaven, my reward will not come to me through my husband, it will come to me through Him, my Father. My husband is nothing more than a child of God. God is not telling me to stay or go. He is not requiring me to do either, all he is asking of me is to LEAN ON HIM, not my husband.
What is He telling you? Do you honestly know, the test, the heart wrenching, gut twisting, extremely painful thing that one can do to another, infidelity, the test of Faith, both in Christ and in herself that you have put your wife through? Forget everything else you have done, do you truly understand the battle your wife goes through now on a daily basis? If you now know how you have put your wife's Faith to the test, What is God telling YOU?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
PAIN IN THE EYES OF THE CHILDREN
EXCUSE, JUSTIFY AND TOLERATE:
Three of my favorite words.
I have been having a hard time posting to my blog the past 5 to 6 weeks because I have been dealing with a battle inside myself. I have truly discovered that the three words above have been very near and dear to my heart throughout my life.
First, I have made excuses for the way I have been treated. Excuses like, "Well he works so hard." "He didn't have the moral compass I had." "He's so busy." "He's under so much stress." After I excuse the behavior, I justify it, "We need the money." "He works so hard, I shouldn't be complaining." "He feels like no one appreciates him, I need to step up more." "He's so busy, I need to do more." "He just doesn't understand, after all men aren't emotional." "Why ask the question, he'll probably just lie to me anyway." Finally, I tolerated it by setting no accountability to his actions and accepting that I don't deserve better or more.
EXCUSE, JUSTIFY than TOLERATE. I have been asking myself, Why? Why have I made these three words describe who I am?
I can tell you I have completely forgiven my husband for all the lies, betrayal and hurtful things he has done and said to and about me. Honestly, I don't carry it anymore. I have released the anger and resentment. This in no way means I have forgotten, forgetting is just not something I will ever do or even try to do. I want to always remember. I want to always remember just what this man, the one I loved and admired, is capable of doing to me, others and himself. Truthfully its not just about him, its about me to, never forgetting what I can do, excuse, justify and tolerate.
Something happened to me shortly after my two year anniversary of discovery. I found out that I was on the fence. I had one foot in my relationship with him and one foot out. Suddenly I realized that I was not committed to our relationship, nor was I committed to getting out.
The past two years, I truly believed I was working towards recommitting. I believe Wayne has been doing some amazingly hard core work on himself and the changes I have seen. Never would I have imagined he could, or would be willing to do this kind of self improvement, just two years ago. I ask myself, can I really believe his changes or is he just saying and doing what he thinks I want him to say and do? Truly though, what does it matter? It is NOT his changes or lack there of, ITS MINE. My changes, the issues I have discovered about myself, that keep me on the fence.
Excuse, Justify and Tolerate, am I doing that still. I ask myself, am I seeing changes in him because I so badly want them? Am I now excusing my own feelings? Am I now justifying my reasons for the choice's I am making, than am I just tolerating my decisions? I have CHANGED. Have I changed to much?
My oldest daughter has left her husband. He has alcohol and prescription drug problems, he doesn't work enough to support them, so they have been living with her Mother In Law now for over two years. She has grown tired of her Mother In Law's interference in their marriage and her enabling of her son's issues, so my daughter finally decided to leave her marriage. She has been staying with us now for the past month. She has three children, ages 9, 7 and 11 months, they are also here. I see the pain in them everyday. I hear how much they miss their dad and I witness their tears quite often. As a grandmother it absolutely breaks my heart. Their sadness at the breakup of their family is changing their very being, their soul, I see their young spirits being changed, damaged everyday and possibly forever. I watch as my daughter tries her best to comfort them, to assure them that it will be okay. Their heartbreak is enormous, their sense of security and safety is gone. The stress my daughter goes through just to get them all ready for school and herself off to work, at times makes her feel less of a mom. In the back ground, I feel overwhelming sadness for them all.
But there is another kind of battle that rages inside of me. My daughter and grandchildren, especially my grandchildren, brought this war to the surface in me. One that should have been raging long ago. I guess I ignored or buried this issue somewhere inside me, maybe because of all the pain of Wayne's complete story, I just overlooked this one or just didn't want to truly face it. Maybe once again I just excused, justified and tolerated the information, because to have really thought it through it would have been to much, but it still got slammed home to me hard when my daughter moved in and I had to finally, completely face the true hard facts about certain parts of Wayne's behavior prior to discovery.
Wayne admitted to me about a year into discovery that he had broken up four marriages during our 18 years together. One marriage broke up after her husband found out about Wayne. She had three children. Of course he tried to tell me that her husband was abusive to her anyway so it was NO big deal that their marriage ended, he almost sounded like he did her a big favor. I have recently spoken with someone who is a friend of this woman. Wayne's affair partner use to work for the company that did our business payroll and I was able to contact her friend through some old records of ours. She told me that Wayne's affair partners husband was not abusive in anyway and that he adored his wife and family, he as well ended up with the kids and her life has gone down hill, one man after the other and is extremely unhappy and lives with alot of regret. How can Wayne not feel remorse over hurting children, damaging lives, or having any part in breaking up a family. How can he not know how his involvement with this woman hurt her children, most likely changing their spirits forever. I really don't know if he even realizes what he has done and the affect his selfish acts had on other children's lives, for the rest of their life. Yes, it was their mothers responsibility to take care of her children and to protect them from pain, she made a horrendously bad decision in having an affair, but to me, Wayne is just as much responsible.
I can't help but hurt for the children that Wayne's issues affected. For the families he helped destroy. He is still with his family. He still has his wife, children and grandchildren. Yet he was a big part of the destruction of other families. In some ways, I feel he has made me a conspirator in all of this and this is part of the battle that rages inside of me.
Why I never felt or thought about what he did to these families when he told me, is just another example of my EXCUSE, JUSTIFY and TOLERATE mentality. Excused it by telling myself it was just another affair, Justified it by saying, it was her choice, and Tolerated it by not truly facing it.
I am ashamed of me right now. Ashamed for having any part of the destruction of any family. Ashamed to have any part of causing pain in any child's life. Even though the damage being done was unknown to me at the time, he was still my husband, my partner, my other half, as they say and the things he did, said, reflect back on me. That is why safety is so important in marriage. You must feel safe that your partner would do nothing that would bring you harm or shame in anyway.
What Wayne did is inexcusable, unjustifiable and intolerable. Through God's Grace, its forgivable. Although I have chosen to forgive Wayne, it does not necessarily mean I can accept or overlook what he has done and brought into my life. I have heard him say many times how he does not want to lose his family, but what about the families he so easily helped destroy, do you think they wanted to lose their families?
This whole thing is very sad and the battle rages on within me as I see the heartbreak and tears of the children.
If you have been wondering why I have not been posting lately, this is why. I have been in a battle within myself and every word I tried to write prior to this posting just didn't seem to work. I should have faced this battle along time ago, but it took my daughter and grandchildren to help me face it. God works in mysterious ways. God knew I needed to face this storm and was not doing it, so He dropped another bomb shell in my lap and made me look. My precious grandchildren, my beautiful daughter and now I see, my eye's are opened. There is no value on earth higher than family. No pain greater than losing family. No love greater here on earth as the unconditional love of family. How do you live with the knowledge that you were a part of the demise of a family, worse yet families.
I have been having a hard time posting to my blog the past 5 to 6 weeks because I have been dealing with a battle inside myself. I have truly discovered that the three words above have been very near and dear to my heart throughout my life.
First, I have made excuses for the way I have been treated. Excuses like, "Well he works so hard." "He didn't have the moral compass I had." "He's so busy." "He's under so much stress." After I excuse the behavior, I justify it, "We need the money." "He works so hard, I shouldn't be complaining." "He feels like no one appreciates him, I need to step up more." "He's so busy, I need to do more." "He just doesn't understand, after all men aren't emotional." "Why ask the question, he'll probably just lie to me anyway." Finally, I tolerated it by setting no accountability to his actions and accepting that I don't deserve better or more.
EXCUSE, JUSTIFY than TOLERATE. I have been asking myself, Why? Why have I made these three words describe who I am?
I can tell you I have completely forgiven my husband for all the lies, betrayal and hurtful things he has done and said to and about me. Honestly, I don't carry it anymore. I have released the anger and resentment. This in no way means I have forgotten, forgetting is just not something I will ever do or even try to do. I want to always remember. I want to always remember just what this man, the one I loved and admired, is capable of doing to me, others and himself. Truthfully its not just about him, its about me to, never forgetting what I can do, excuse, justify and tolerate.
Something happened to me shortly after my two year anniversary of discovery. I found out that I was on the fence. I had one foot in my relationship with him and one foot out. Suddenly I realized that I was not committed to our relationship, nor was I committed to getting out.
The past two years, I truly believed I was working towards recommitting. I believe Wayne has been doing some amazingly hard core work on himself and the changes I have seen. Never would I have imagined he could, or would be willing to do this kind of self improvement, just two years ago. I ask myself, can I really believe his changes or is he just saying and doing what he thinks I want him to say and do? Truly though, what does it matter? It is NOT his changes or lack there of, ITS MINE. My changes, the issues I have discovered about myself, that keep me on the fence.
Excuse, Justify and Tolerate, am I doing that still. I ask myself, am I seeing changes in him because I so badly want them? Am I now excusing my own feelings? Am I now justifying my reasons for the choice's I am making, than am I just tolerating my decisions? I have CHANGED. Have I changed to much?
My oldest daughter has left her husband. He has alcohol and prescription drug problems, he doesn't work enough to support them, so they have been living with her Mother In Law now for over two years. She has grown tired of her Mother In Law's interference in their marriage and her enabling of her son's issues, so my daughter finally decided to leave her marriage. She has been staying with us now for the past month. She has three children, ages 9, 7 and 11 months, they are also here. I see the pain in them everyday. I hear how much they miss their dad and I witness their tears quite often. As a grandmother it absolutely breaks my heart. Their sadness at the breakup of their family is changing their very being, their soul, I see their young spirits being changed, damaged everyday and possibly forever. I watch as my daughter tries her best to comfort them, to assure them that it will be okay. Their heartbreak is enormous, their sense of security and safety is gone. The stress my daughter goes through just to get them all ready for school and herself off to work, at times makes her feel less of a mom. In the back ground, I feel overwhelming sadness for them all.
But there is another kind of battle that rages inside of me. My daughter and grandchildren, especially my grandchildren, brought this war to the surface in me. One that should have been raging long ago. I guess I ignored or buried this issue somewhere inside me, maybe because of all the pain of Wayne's complete story, I just overlooked this one or just didn't want to truly face it. Maybe once again I just excused, justified and tolerated the information, because to have really thought it through it would have been to much, but it still got slammed home to me hard when my daughter moved in and I had to finally, completely face the true hard facts about certain parts of Wayne's behavior prior to discovery.
Wayne admitted to me about a year into discovery that he had broken up four marriages during our 18 years together. One marriage broke up after her husband found out about Wayne. She had three children. Of course he tried to tell me that her husband was abusive to her anyway so it was NO big deal that their marriage ended, he almost sounded like he did her a big favor. I have recently spoken with someone who is a friend of this woman. Wayne's affair partner use to work for the company that did our business payroll and I was able to contact her friend through some old records of ours. She told me that Wayne's affair partners husband was not abusive in anyway and that he adored his wife and family, he as well ended up with the kids and her life has gone down hill, one man after the other and is extremely unhappy and lives with alot of regret. How can Wayne not feel remorse over hurting children, damaging lives, or having any part in breaking up a family. How can he not know how his involvement with this woman hurt her children, most likely changing their spirits forever. I really don't know if he even realizes what he has done and the affect his selfish acts had on other children's lives, for the rest of their life. Yes, it was their mothers responsibility to take care of her children and to protect them from pain, she made a horrendously bad decision in having an affair, but to me, Wayne is just as much responsible.
I can't help but hurt for the children that Wayne's issues affected. For the families he helped destroy. He is still with his family. He still has his wife, children and grandchildren. Yet he was a big part of the destruction of other families. In some ways, I feel he has made me a conspirator in all of this and this is part of the battle that rages inside of me.
Why I never felt or thought about what he did to these families when he told me, is just another example of my EXCUSE, JUSTIFY and TOLERATE mentality. Excused it by telling myself it was just another affair, Justified it by saying, it was her choice, and Tolerated it by not truly facing it.
I am ashamed of me right now. Ashamed for having any part of the destruction of any family. Ashamed to have any part of causing pain in any child's life. Even though the damage being done was unknown to me at the time, he was still my husband, my partner, my other half, as they say and the things he did, said, reflect back on me. That is why safety is so important in marriage. You must feel safe that your partner would do nothing that would bring you harm or shame in anyway.
What Wayne did is inexcusable, unjustifiable and intolerable. Through God's Grace, its forgivable. Although I have chosen to forgive Wayne, it does not necessarily mean I can accept or overlook what he has done and brought into my life. I have heard him say many times how he does not want to lose his family, but what about the families he so easily helped destroy, do you think they wanted to lose their families?
This whole thing is very sad and the battle rages on within me as I see the heartbreak and tears of the children.
If you have been wondering why I have not been posting lately, this is why. I have been in a battle within myself and every word I tried to write prior to this posting just didn't seem to work. I should have faced this battle along time ago, but it took my daughter and grandchildren to help me face it. God works in mysterious ways. God knew I needed to face this storm and was not doing it, so He dropped another bomb shell in my lap and made me look. My precious grandchildren, my beautiful daughter and now I see, my eye's are opened. There is no value on earth higher than family. No pain greater than losing family. No love greater here on earth as the unconditional love of family. How do you live with the knowledge that you were a part of the demise of a family, worse yet families.
The daily battle of all this is mine. Although Wayne did the act, it is my own responsibility for how I overcome it within myself. There are no words that Wayne could use, no action he could do to help me. This is MY BATTLE. MY NIGHTMARE. MY ISSUE. I ask you all to pray for me, that God will give me the wisdom to lay this to rest, the strenght to win this battle and the Grace to continue to love unconditionally. Pray as well for all the families damaged by infidelity. For the children, their healing and for their parents ability to understand how their selfish acts truly, painfully hurt their children, FOREVER.
God Bless Each and Everyone of You
Kate
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