Although I am 3 years out from discovery, I still have my days. My down days are different now though. They are not about Wayne or his behavior anymore, they are not even about him relapsing. Truthfully, I can not even remember the last time I felt hurt, angry or upset about his issues, in fact we can even both laugh at times about it. My down days now are more about my own stuff. Me, Myself and I. I must say I do not like it.
I have days where I do not feel like I am a good partner, or even want to be. I have days where I do not feel like I am a good mother or grandmother, friend or even family member. I have days where I can not get out of my head how I allowed so many negative people and other things into my life, not just Wayne. Days where I want to just get in my car and hit the freeway, start a new life some where else away from everyone. This has become my new roller coaster or maybe its the merry go round now. My problems, my pain, my anger, is not about or with Wayne or anyone else, they are with ME. Honestly it was easier when they were about Wayne or someone else in my life, at least I had them to blame.
Someone asked me the other day if I thought I was on the right path, I had to take pause and think about that for a moment, I guess we never truly know if we are or not, only time will tell.
The battle I have with myself can be overwhelming at times. Since my discovery of Wayne’s issues, I have found there were many others in my life that brought me a lot of pain and turmoil, yet I always allowed them to remain in my life. I found when I looked around me that I could accept negative stuff anytime, yet when someone tried to offer me something positive, I would reject it, even a simple little compliment. So many things about me I am now facing. What is that called, “Oh yeah, Personal Growth.” Wow this is hard to face.
Its not funny, but in some ways it is, I thought once Wayne got better, or at least figured out he needed help and started working on himself that it would all just get better, that sure turned out to be a joke on me. Who knew that I had so many issues.
I have always lived my life with a moral compass, with high expectations on my integrity. I always tried to be the good daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend, always forgiving and loving, always there to give a hand or shoulder. I lived for my family and friends. My dreams were simple. Believing that when I got to my age of 52, I would have this close, wonderful family and honest true friendships. Hoping to be remembered some day when I was laid to rest, that I was a valuable asset in the life’s of those I loved and even others. Now I see that I was a resentful, frustrated, hurt, used and abused woman, who just sat back and let others walk on her. A woman, who did not set boundaries or even accountability to what others did or said about her. Where forgiveness was something just given, not something earned. I have now learned the hard way, that others can not respect us if we do not respect ourselves and how could I have possibly respected myself when I was allowing so many to use and abuse me. Although I thought I did, I had no true Joy or Peace, I sure could fake it though. I always saw myself having this God given Spirit that was flying high, now I realize, I never had the wind to fly at all.
This journey is long, its hard and it is extremely painful and just when you think you are starting to get beyond it or starting to feel better, it can blow up again. That is exactly what happened to me and not one person told me to prepare myself for it. To prepare for the time when I would have to stop looking at Wayne’s issues, damage, infidelities, etc., and start looking at my own Soul, my own damage, my own issues. With God’s hands on me, I can tell you, this is horribly painful, extremely scary, and so much harder than dealing with Wayne’s betrayals, his hurtful words. I have been betraying myself for years and every word Wayne or anyone else in my life, ever said about me, I had been saying to myself for years, unconsciously.
Years, I recognize now, I have been telling myself, I was not worthy or good enough for anyone or anything. So instead of searching for why I felt like this, I just ignored it and did everything I could to be accepted by anyone and everyone, than on the back side of that I resented it. I resented doing everything for everyone, being the fixer, the forgiver, the loving one, the one always there, when no one was truly there for me. When ever I needed forgiveness, I had to earn my forgiveness, no one ever just handed me forgiveness.
I guess, what I am trying to share with you, is that this journey of discovery we are on, if you really do the work, somewhere in all the pain, you will find that the true discovery is not about your spouse, but a much greater discovery. The discovery of YOU.
When I was told that to remain together Wayne and I would both have to change, I thought it was a joke. I am a good person, I could never do the things he did, nor could I ever hurt someone like he did, I was not the one with the horrible issues, Wayne was the one who needed to work on his issues and change, not me. No doubt Wayne had major issues, but WOW was I shocked to really see I had some major issues as well.
On my down, bad days now, I realize for me to be a good partner, I have to be a healthy partner and that takes a lot of work, hard, exhausting work, changing my thought process and my old habits of allowing negativity into my life, in any form and there are days where I just do not want to do it, days when I just go back to “I do not deserve better”, “I am not worth putting all this work into.” but mostly, “Its not worth it.” I am telling myself that I am not worth it, that negative thought process that got me here to start with. Constantly needing to remind myself that I am worth it and so much more, continually overriding the negatives with positives. This is unbelievably hard for me to do.
Now that I am at this stage of my life journey and I realize the exhausting work and pain that goes into changing your inner self, your thought process, setting those boundaries and the accountability that has to go with the new boundaries, being honest and totally transparent with who I am, (no faking my emotions or feelings) and I am not just talking about with Wayne, but with everything in my life. Finding out for my self that the journey into self discovery is a very scary, painful and an extremely hard process. HOW CAN I NOT GIVE WAYNE THE GRACE AND LOVE FOR DOING THE WORK HIMSELF. HOW CAN I CONDEMN HIM, WHEN HE IS SO WILLING AND HE SO WANTS TO DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER, WHEN HE IS WORKING SO HARD TO CHANGE HIS INNER SELF. I know his struggles now.
I do not know what my future has in store but I know as long as I stay focused on my own personal struggles, as long as I remain always looking into the mirror of my life and continue to do every thing necessary to create more positives in my life while removing the negatives, I can acheive a GREAT LIFE.
What more could anyone ask for than a Great life, one that consist of love and respect for yourself.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Avoidance
Avoidance
How do you know you Love me.
I know because you are still here.
I know because you still think about my needs before yours.
I know because you still ask me how my day was.
I know because you still show unconditional Love, even through the tears.
I know because I know you still Love me, like Christ loved us, Unconditionally, through the bad times and the good.
I know because even in your pain and your unshed tears, always so close to the surface, you reach out to touch my hand, say what fleeting thought just crossed your mind, close down in fear because you feel you do not really know me.
I had a lot of avoidance issues after discovery. I also had to really search my heart to figure what the heck was that. I never considered my Wife’s feelings in all this as the false self decided for me it must be OK. I have to allude to this other False Self that controlled me during those hurtful times. I really never stopped to think about anybody else, not my wife, family, friends, coworkers. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
I would encourage a frank discussion that comes from your heart, from the betrayer to the betrayed. I know this is the deepest pain imaginable, deeper even than losing a loved one. This requires much grieving and work to overcome. I would ask that you look at your heart, decide what you really feel about your actions, how you hurt others and respond in kind. Silence can be too intimidating, thinking the worst; not having the facts for the betrayed can almost always certainly go down the worst possible roads. I know that I can not find the words to describe what I was thinking, feeling, wanting except as follows.
I fully was engaged with my defects of character, acting out in total selfishness, in love only with me. I also know that I accepted no higher authority, letting Satan have me by the Gonads; I hope that is Ok to say here, it is just how I feel I felt then. I have been working on rebuilding trust, letting my Love for my Wife show, I hid behind my addictions for a so many years trying to get her to realize it was never about her or what she did or did not do. My Love, even though the World would say what Love, how could you treat someone you Love this way, manifested itself it selfishness. I know I had and hopefully am overcoming, Intimacy issues that went deep. I know that I would like to learn to connect with her on the deepest level, where sharing, kindness, desires, intimacy in all things both emotional as well as physical is like something you can almost reach out and taste, touch, feel.
I hear it in songs, the word of God, the very essence of our existence craves this closeness and I think our society steers us away from it. I would like to think my past actions were a stepping stone that had to be crossed that I could maybe attain what God has promised for us. I feel that I had this huge stain on my soul since I was a very young child and could never be rid of it. I am greatly saddened I hurt someone as innocent and pure as my wife and our relationship.
I know it was not fair that I layed all this on my Wife. I know it seems as if I did not care. I would ask for the time to allow my Love to show through, through the windows from my soul, my heart. I know I have huge scars, I have dealt a terrible blow to me wife & I thank her for giving me a second chance. I pray that in time she might see I am capable of unconditional Love, just as she has been giving to me in all those years of my addiction, my selfishness.
In closing I would only offer this as I have experienced it. I am trying to show my true repentance, help my wife come to grips with my total selfishness, try to reassure her that I want to get to that deep connection God has promised for us and work everyday to make good choices. I will be praying for you and all my brothers and sisters. Amen
Wayne
How do you know you Love me.
I know because you are still here.
I know because you still think about my needs before yours.
I know because you still ask me how my day was.
I know because you still show unconditional Love, even through the tears.
I know because I know you still Love me, like Christ loved us, Unconditionally, through the bad times and the good.
I know because even in your pain and your unshed tears, always so close to the surface, you reach out to touch my hand, say what fleeting thought just crossed your mind, close down in fear because you feel you do not really know me.
I had a lot of avoidance issues after discovery. I also had to really search my heart to figure what the heck was that. I never considered my Wife’s feelings in all this as the false self decided for me it must be OK. I have to allude to this other False Self that controlled me during those hurtful times. I really never stopped to think about anybody else, not my wife, family, friends, coworkers. I hurt a lot of people, myself included.
I would encourage a frank discussion that comes from your heart, from the betrayer to the betrayed. I know this is the deepest pain imaginable, deeper even than losing a loved one. This requires much grieving and work to overcome. I would ask that you look at your heart, decide what you really feel about your actions, how you hurt others and respond in kind. Silence can be too intimidating, thinking the worst; not having the facts for the betrayed can almost always certainly go down the worst possible roads. I know that I can not find the words to describe what I was thinking, feeling, wanting except as follows.
I fully was engaged with my defects of character, acting out in total selfishness, in love only with me. I also know that I accepted no higher authority, letting Satan have me by the Gonads; I hope that is Ok to say here, it is just how I feel I felt then. I have been working on rebuilding trust, letting my Love for my Wife show, I hid behind my addictions for a so many years trying to get her to realize it was never about her or what she did or did not do. My Love, even though the World would say what Love, how could you treat someone you Love this way, manifested itself it selfishness. I know I had and hopefully am overcoming, Intimacy issues that went deep. I know that I would like to learn to connect with her on the deepest level, where sharing, kindness, desires, intimacy in all things both emotional as well as physical is like something you can almost reach out and taste, touch, feel.
I hear it in songs, the word of God, the very essence of our existence craves this closeness and I think our society steers us away from it. I would like to think my past actions were a stepping stone that had to be crossed that I could maybe attain what God has promised for us. I feel that I had this huge stain on my soul since I was a very young child and could never be rid of it. I am greatly saddened I hurt someone as innocent and pure as my wife and our relationship.
I know it was not fair that I layed all this on my Wife. I know it seems as if I did not care. I would ask for the time to allow my Love to show through, through the windows from my soul, my heart. I know I have huge scars, I have dealt a terrible blow to me wife & I thank her for giving me a second chance. I pray that in time she might see I am capable of unconditional Love, just as she has been giving to me in all those years of my addiction, my selfishness.
In closing I would only offer this as I have experienced it. I am trying to show my true repentance, help my wife come to grips with my total selfishness, try to reassure her that I want to get to that deep connection God has promised for us and work everyday to make good choices. I will be praying for you and all my brothers and sisters. Amen
Wayne
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Roller Coaster
The Roller Coaster
I have been reading the pain of others as well as trying to hear the pain my wife deals with on a daily basis. I wonder if the betrayer can ever feel the depth of the cut he/she has inflicted. I sometimes get impatient and wonder why with time the pain would dull. I then see the “Painful Reminders jump up” as our leaders would call it and then I get how our hurt spouse must deal with it everyday, every minute, and every second. I think sometimes it is like thinking about how far away is heaven or the end of space. I wonder if I will ever really get it. I think my wife thinks not.
I so wish I could snap my fingers, wiggle my nose; wish it away, not going to happen. I think in time there might be some form of acceptance, this comes from my group relationship, I pray for release with hope that some day things might get close to what God says we can attain. I would pray for a life full of joy, freedom, love, well being, acceptance. I know this is the great promise, I know I must actively work towards being a healthy person, living everyday with my old behaviors, whipping Satan at every turn. I know I need to ever vigilant as I know what I have been capable of in the past, always praying for the strength to reach out to my wife God, other people, mentors, for strength and guidance. I do not mean to make her or others to be Godlike, only as God says we can attain, Oneness. A meshing of 2 souls that grow together, not separated.
I know that I have always had Intimacy issues, coming from my past that did not get dealt with in any way. I know that I have to be the one that opens that door, learn to accept the lack of being normal, trying to resolve this and join people as a whole person. I think the answer will come with help from God as I pray to him for guidance, help from my wife and family as I learn to let them Love me inside, I also know this is the true meaning for our existence. Peace, Joy, Love onto one another, and great sacrifices.
I will continue to pray for all my suffering brothers and sisters wishing them healing, joy, peace.
Wayne
I have been reading the pain of others as well as trying to hear the pain my wife deals with on a daily basis. I wonder if the betrayer can ever feel the depth of the cut he/she has inflicted. I sometimes get impatient and wonder why with time the pain would dull. I then see the “Painful Reminders jump up” as our leaders would call it and then I get how our hurt spouse must deal with it everyday, every minute, and every second. I think sometimes it is like thinking about how far away is heaven or the end of space. I wonder if I will ever really get it. I think my wife thinks not.
I so wish I could snap my fingers, wiggle my nose; wish it away, not going to happen. I think in time there might be some form of acceptance, this comes from my group relationship, I pray for release with hope that some day things might get close to what God says we can attain. I would pray for a life full of joy, freedom, love, well being, acceptance. I know this is the great promise, I know I must actively work towards being a healthy person, living everyday with my old behaviors, whipping Satan at every turn. I know I need to ever vigilant as I know what I have been capable of in the past, always praying for the strength to reach out to my wife God, other people, mentors, for strength and guidance. I do not mean to make her or others to be Godlike, only as God says we can attain, Oneness. A meshing of 2 souls that grow together, not separated.
I know that I have always had Intimacy issues, coming from my past that did not get dealt with in any way. I know that I have to be the one that opens that door, learn to accept the lack of being normal, trying to resolve this and join people as a whole person. I think the answer will come with help from God as I pray to him for guidance, help from my wife and family as I learn to let them Love me inside, I also know this is the true meaning for our existence. Peace, Joy, Love onto one another, and great sacrifices.
I will continue to pray for all my suffering brothers and sisters wishing them healing, joy, peace.
Wayne
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Inner Landscape & Healing
Inner Landscape
I will add that in working thru my old behavior and my stuff, I have embraced the following. I have taken on the responsibility of learning how I got where I am at. I have embraced, hopefully not to heavily, on the fact that I have acquired defects of character due to things, people, issues, circumstances that were out of my control. I have gotten my arms around the fact that these effected me in ways I did not deal with well. I also know these things affected me in a profound way and they finally erupted out of me in an unhealthy way. THIS is a great fact. I then used this as a way to lash out at those that loved me, mostly my Wife, who stood by me no matter what I was doing or whom I was hurting. I would like to thank my wife for always being there for me. I would go back to change the past if I could, I cannot. This also is a great fact. I can only try to offer a better me, get my arms around why I could lash out at Her and others as well as the world in general.
I would offer this to other struggling souls that, knowing that I cannot give something I do not have; Knowledge, only I would offer this as I am trying to learn. The working through our past and trying to get our arms around the brokenness that contributed to our ability to lash out at our partners, wives, husbands, etc that giving back to others is the way to true healing. I have also come to the realization I can not fix my wife’s pain, her struggles, her healing. I have found that this must be her battle, her journey. I can only be supportive, offer a better me, stay away from being defensive, falling back on old behaviors to cope with the tough stuff while working on my difficult issues in my everyday life, my inner landscape, how I perceive and deal with this as a core person. This alone will help me heal the past brokenness, the pain of betrayal, working towards a better tomorrow.
I know this is a very hard issue for her to overcome, years of supporting me as I thrash about, giving up her dreams, her needs, and her joy and peace. I see her struggle and I try to build and have Empathy for her in those moments when She is distant, obscure, walled off. I know I need to give her grace, allow the healing to flow and pray for God to help her in her human struggles.
They say stuff can be forgiven. I struggle with this as I see my actions as unforgivable. Most of mankind might agree with this, at least in my mind, and I have learned that forgiveness includes that even though it is unforgivable; it is maybe possible to learn new behaviors that would include learning to live with it, learning to work through it, learn from it so I never duplicate it, fall back on old behaviors, learn new coping skills.
I am committed to work towards a better understanding of the trials and tribulations, the pain, the hurt that I have dropped onto my wife. I will always try to work through the tough times, have empathy for the stuff I have let enter our lives, ruin our history, stain the fabric of our lives together. This is what I mean by the unforgivable and learning to live with and cope with the stuff that I allowed into our relationship. I will continue to pray for my brothers and sisters that continue to struggle, the hurt, and the pain. I pray for your release from this and I would pray for you to have all the joy, peace and prosperity God promises us.
Wayne
I will add that in working thru my old behavior and my stuff, I have embraced the following. I have taken on the responsibility of learning how I got where I am at. I have embraced, hopefully not to heavily, on the fact that I have acquired defects of character due to things, people, issues, circumstances that were out of my control. I have gotten my arms around the fact that these effected me in ways I did not deal with well. I also know these things affected me in a profound way and they finally erupted out of me in an unhealthy way. THIS is a great fact. I then used this as a way to lash out at those that loved me, mostly my Wife, who stood by me no matter what I was doing or whom I was hurting. I would like to thank my wife for always being there for me. I would go back to change the past if I could, I cannot. This also is a great fact. I can only try to offer a better me, get my arms around why I could lash out at Her and others as well as the world in general.
I would offer this to other struggling souls that, knowing that I cannot give something I do not have; Knowledge, only I would offer this as I am trying to learn. The working through our past and trying to get our arms around the brokenness that contributed to our ability to lash out at our partners, wives, husbands, etc that giving back to others is the way to true healing. I have also come to the realization I can not fix my wife’s pain, her struggles, her healing. I have found that this must be her battle, her journey. I can only be supportive, offer a better me, stay away from being defensive, falling back on old behaviors to cope with the tough stuff while working on my difficult issues in my everyday life, my inner landscape, how I perceive and deal with this as a core person. This alone will help me heal the past brokenness, the pain of betrayal, working towards a better tomorrow.
I know this is a very hard issue for her to overcome, years of supporting me as I thrash about, giving up her dreams, her needs, and her joy and peace. I see her struggle and I try to build and have Empathy for her in those moments when She is distant, obscure, walled off. I know I need to give her grace, allow the healing to flow and pray for God to help her in her human struggles.
They say stuff can be forgiven. I struggle with this as I see my actions as unforgivable. Most of mankind might agree with this, at least in my mind, and I have learned that forgiveness includes that even though it is unforgivable; it is maybe possible to learn new behaviors that would include learning to live with it, learning to work through it, learn from it so I never duplicate it, fall back on old behaviors, learn new coping skills.
I am committed to work towards a better understanding of the trials and tribulations, the pain, the hurt that I have dropped onto my wife. I will always try to work through the tough times, have empathy for the stuff I have let enter our lives, ruin our history, stain the fabric of our lives together. This is what I mean by the unforgivable and learning to live with and cope with the stuff that I allowed into our relationship. I will continue to pray for my brothers and sisters that continue to struggle, the hurt, and the pain. I pray for your release from this and I would pray for you to have all the joy, peace and prosperity God promises us.
Wayne
Saturday, August 22, 2009
REDEMTION
Recovery And Acceptance:
I would like to encourage you to look at the overall picture I have painted for my life, my wife and family as well as the incredible pain and wreckage I have reaped. If I can step back and look at the destructive path my tornado has left, I can better understand it when my wife and family get distant or show raw emotion about my stuff. I know on an intellectual level that I deserve this, yet the inner pain I feel is sometimes too much. I have come to the part of acceptance, realizing that I am the instigator of all this raw emotion as well as the main perpetrator. I am looking to find the way to freedom through correct decisions, hoping I can be different, working towards an understanding of my past and how it affects those that Love me as I try to always put them first. I have found solace in always asking what I can better do today to help my wife have a better day, help her with anything I can as well as how to make better decisions today.
I have learned that praying, asking God what I can do to have a better understanding of Him as well as trying to have a better outlook with a positive attitude. I have come to believe recovery looks better from a position of being Sober. This is a fact that in giving up the old bad behavior has released me from all the crap I felt all my life and I found some sort of inner peace in this effort. I will pray for all my brothers and sisters that are still struggling with this sad fact.
I have found that Life did not actually revolve around just me and my little world of neediness. After I finally pulled my Head out to see there is more to life, love and the pursuit of happiness than satisfying my desires at this moment in time. I am learning everyday that humility and humbleness, although these are a little foreign to me, that this is a great fact. I willingly put my efforts in helping my wife, working towards a better closeness with my God and trying to help others.
I hope others will join us, the fallen, as well as the hurt, to walk with us, join hands with us, pray with us to better understand the life that God has given to us. I hope and pray that true redemption will be there for me if I work on my walk with Him, my helping others, my reaching out to be there for others when they are in need. I will be praying for you and hope you will join me as I walk in life.
Wayne
I would like to encourage you to look at the overall picture I have painted for my life, my wife and family as well as the incredible pain and wreckage I have reaped. If I can step back and look at the destructive path my tornado has left, I can better understand it when my wife and family get distant or show raw emotion about my stuff. I know on an intellectual level that I deserve this, yet the inner pain I feel is sometimes too much. I have come to the part of acceptance, realizing that I am the instigator of all this raw emotion as well as the main perpetrator. I am looking to find the way to freedom through correct decisions, hoping I can be different, working towards an understanding of my past and how it affects those that Love me as I try to always put them first. I have found solace in always asking what I can better do today to help my wife have a better day, help her with anything I can as well as how to make better decisions today.
I have learned that praying, asking God what I can do to have a better understanding of Him as well as trying to have a better outlook with a positive attitude. I have come to believe recovery looks better from a position of being Sober. This is a fact that in giving up the old bad behavior has released me from all the crap I felt all my life and I found some sort of inner peace in this effort. I will pray for all my brothers and sisters that are still struggling with this sad fact.
I have found that Life did not actually revolve around just me and my little world of neediness. After I finally pulled my Head out to see there is more to life, love and the pursuit of happiness than satisfying my desires at this moment in time. I am learning everyday that humility and humbleness, although these are a little foreign to me, that this is a great fact. I willingly put my efforts in helping my wife, working towards a better closeness with my God and trying to help others.
I hope others will join us, the fallen, as well as the hurt, to walk with us, join hands with us, pray with us to better understand the life that God has given to us. I hope and pray that true redemption will be there for me if I work on my walk with Him, my helping others, my reaching out to be there for others when they are in need. I will be praying for you and hope you will join me as I walk in life.
Wayne
Friday, July 10, 2009
TOUGH LOVE - BY WAYNE
Sex Addicts and the Tough Love they need:
This is from the black hole I used to be in. I had not many moments I could not think about sex, plan to get sex, want to be having sex. I could do all this and still have what I considered a normal day. This was my world, my nightmare as I look back on it. I am not even sure if I understood what true Intimacy ever was. I know after looking back it was a compulsion for relief, an escape valve when the pressure got too much. This overwhelming need to lust and be lusted after. This is right out of the Sex Addicts book and 12 step program. This came from inside of me, from defects I had acquired along life’s road. I no more had any idea what my wife kept begging me to do, join her in our relationship, be honest “ how could I be honest with such behavior going on inside“, I felt devoid of emotions. I finally began to get healthier after Discovery at the young age of 54.
MY WIFE SHOWED WHAT TOUGH LOVE IS.
Tough Love:
1. My wife could never have fixed what was broken on my inside. I had to take that step.
2. This came with time, research { Mostly, actually all, from my loving wife} and my willingness to at least try to work on being and thinking different.
3. I wonder if I could have ever done this without God’s intervention. I think he said ENOUGH OF THIS MY SON, as he sat in the corner and wept when I was in my addiction. I turned something he gave to us, his children, his creation, what was intended to be a natural bonding source to become something quite ugly. Something that would hurt others, use others, help others use us as well, turning our backs on those that love and care for us.
4. I attend the 12 step program and I feel sometimes hopeless as I see men that have been sober for sometimes years, fall back into their addiction, sometimes some do not even bother to try to get one day sober. I see marriage rings on their hands and I feel sorry for those that Love this poor man. I am filled with determination to not go down this road.
TOUGH LOVE:
A. I have to remain Sober, working on my inner landscape everyday.
B. I can not hold anyone else accountable, not even the past hurts, pain that I received at the hands of others. I have to avoid feeling the VICTIM ROLE as this is nothing more than an excuse to ACT OUT.
C. I have learned to ask my GOD for help. I will never be cured, I will never be normal. I will always be Broken.
D. I can have a better life, this has to come from inside of me, not from my wife, family, etc. from me.
I have had to quite blaming others, my wife foremost, my family, friends, coworkers, the grocery clerk, etc, and forgive all the past transgressions { Addicts use this to enable their behavior} I know as I used to do this. I had to want to change my life and the words that will be spoken about me when I am gone to be with my God. I had to face the horrible shame I felt that I could have turned out to so incredibly hurtful to others. This is a hard thing to face up to, a hard thing to put aside your pride, hollow as it is, and face the world with my issues. I hope to one day walk in an upright position again, look my neighbor in the eye with warmth, kindness, knowing that I have overcome this huge beast inside of me.
Please be aware this will never, ever go away. It is every addicts battle, his battle to battle alone, as he needs to face it on it’s own terms, it’s own battlefield, his inside place, his core.
I would hope that all the Women who read this posting realize it is not about them, what they look like, what they wear, how they are in the Private moments with their husband. This is something ugly in this broken man, something you could not fix, be enough for, do anything to change it. It is in him.
My wife has shown me true unconditional love as I work through this stuff. Set boundaries I dare not cross if I am ever able to rebuild my self respect, my honor { I had completely lost that, if I ever had it} asking me to be accountable to God and make choices that would please him as she and I would also benefit from these better choices.
I would ask the women that feel somehow responsible to let that go. You are not to blame. He is the broken one. He has let you down, let you believe he is something he is not. He has let something that was meant to be beautiful turn to rot inside him, becoming unhealthy, using others for his own selfish ends. Shame on us, we should have better standards, better integrity, try to get a better understanding about what God meant for man and women to enjoy in a sexual way, together.
I know that every addict out there would love a quick fix, not going to happen of course, and would love to live normal. Not going to happen ever. This is his life long battle. Be assured that if your addict has left to continue doing his addiction, it is an addiction, as there is nothing wrong with any daughter of God, he will not ever find peace. This will forever haunt him, ruin others lives, others families as he keeps thrashing and lashing out to try to still that awful noise and dysfunction inside himself. All we can do is pray for this sick person, ask our father to help him, Love him from a distance as he is not capable of giving love back, only taking.
Monday, July 6, 2009
TIME
Have you been told, "You will feel better in 6 months," or "It takes about 2 years to over come the pain of infidelity." Maybe you have heard this one, "It takes half the time to heal as the affair itself lasted." If I read that right, than it is going to take me 9 years to heal, or 4.5 years. After all, my husband had affairs for the entire 18 years of our marriage, one lasted 9 years, which length of time do I go by? Absolutely neither.
Know one can tell you how long it will take to heal, that is a journey only you can decide. The thing I know for sure is, YOU MUST HEAL.
I want to tell you a short story of a lady I met early on in my discovery. She had found out about her husband 4 years prior. I thought she was way ahead of me in the healing process. She had caught her husband having a secret 3 month email affair with a woman from a different country. His affair was never physical in person, their emails were graphic with sexual detail, along with the I Love You to each other and my new friend was devastated. She told me that it took her by complete surprise, her husband was not the type of man to have an affair. She had caught him early in their marriage going to strip clubs but he had stopped that as soon has she had caught him, then later in their marriage she caught him viewing porn on their home computer and once again it came to a stop. She never viewed the strip clubs or the porn as betrayal. She saw it only as something men will do. I understand her thought process on this, it is easy to bury your head in the sand. When your busy raising children, working a job, trying to keep up on your house and yard, it takes to much time and effort to deal with your husbands issues. Why should you have to, after all he is a grown man and you have your own issues to deal with, right? Anyway, I truly believed that she would help me on my journey to healing and I was absolutely disappointed to find she had not healed at all.
After 4 years of trying to salvage her marriage, she was still caught up in her anger at the other woman. In fact I found that her anger was more at the Other Woman than at her own husband. She was going to personal counseling, once in awhile anyway, but when she went, her and her therapist talked more about how to heal her husband than how to heal herself. Through time, I found out she did not believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness to her meant she had to trust him again immediately and that she had to let go of what he had done to her, which meant in her eyes, that he had gotten away with it. Her husband had been doing what ever he needed to do to help save their marriage, going to counseling, attending 12 step group classes, he was doing everything she had asked of him, yet she was not working on herself.
She was 47 when I met her and she had a huge fear of being left alone at her age. She was afraid that know one would want her and that she would spend the rest of her life alone. This screams insecurity and this is something that most of us that have been betrayed by our spouse feel. (We were not good enough). Instead of working on her insecurities and her own issues, she was working on his sexual addiction.
It had been over 6 years since her discovery when she caught her husband in another lie. He had made plans to go to a golf tournament with some co-workers, his partner was a lady that he had admitted he was attracted to. When my friend found out a month later, it all blew up and she ended up divorcing him within two months. Do I blame her for this decision, NO. After the divorce was finalized, she continued to see him almost daily, but at night when he was not there, she would call him, yelling and screaming about how he broke up his family, about how he had hurt her beyond belief, how could he do this, there were times when she would call him at 2 in the morning, because she could not sleep and her anger would build. These calls went on for months. While she was making these calls to her ex husband she was on the Internet posting her profile on sites to reconnect to her past friends, her fear of being alone was screaming out all over her life. Like I said, she never did the work on her self.
About 7 months after her divorce, she ran across an old girlfriend on Face Book. She began to renew their friendship, than one night her old girlfriend told her that she had been living with a man they both knew from high school, they had been living together for the past 15 years. They had never married, nor had kids.
One night while my friend was on the Internet, she received an email from her old girlfriends partner. She responded to it and for the next month she and him began to have late night secret email conversations. When she told me about their conversations and what he was saying, I got extremely upset. I told her she was getting into a situation just like what her husband had done to her, she disagreed, saying they were never married, nor had kids, it was not the same. I asked her if her old girlfriend knew they were corresponding, she said she did not know, but did not think so. I asked her how she could hurt someone else like this, knowing the pain it causes, all she would say is, well according to him, their relationship was over anyway. This new man had told my friend that she was the woman he had dreamed about for years and that he never married because he could not find someone who compared to her. She believed everything he said to her and got lost in his words. It helped to boast her ego. Within 1 month of them emailing each other, they were sleeping together, two weeks later, he moved in with her, without telling his 15 year partner. My friend thought this was all fine and she felt wonderful, she was falling in love again. The newness of an affair.
My friend was still sleeping and having sex with her ex husband, she was inviting him over for family dinners and holidays, up until her new friend moved in. She had let her children believe that she was trying to salvage her relationship with their dad, that the reason they divorced is because the old vows were not kept and that they would have to take those vows again someday, so the old marriage had to die and a new marriage would have to be formed. When her children found out about her new partner, they were extremely angry with her, they are now refusing to speak to her altogether. She lied to them. Amazingly she does not see it this way. Her ex husband found out by stopping by her house one Sunday morning with a cup of coffee for her. My friend called this, payback. Wow, I was amazed that someone who had been betrayed and hurt to the core, that knew how it felt to be so deeply wounded could do this to another woman and her own family.
It took about two weeks before her old girlfriend found out about her partner moving in with my friend. Once she had found out, the rumor mill began and my friend became a target for all to throw darts at. My friend who was once thought of as loving, kind, generous, was now a whore, tramp, home wrecker, ect. Every name my friend had called her husbands other woman was now being labeled on her. She is thriving in this drama, she will laugh about it, joke about it and make excuses for her behavior. She really believes she is healed from her husbands betrayal.
The character, integrity and self respect I truly believed my friend had, was gone in my eyes. She had thrown them out the window. She believes she is still the same person, I do not. It has been over 7 years now since my friend found out about her husband of almost 30 years and she is still lost. She has never healed from her husbands 3 month affair, instead she is carrying it into someone else life. She never worked to get beyond her insecurities of being alone and now has herself, betrayed an old friend and her family.
I am know longer friends with her. She is lost, in a sea of unforgiveness and pain. I could not walk this path with her as a friend, as much as I care for her and her family, I could not watch her hurt so many, including herself. She is standing on a self righteous throne of payback, even to those who did not deserve payback.
My friend has not healed at all from the pain her husbands betrayal caused her. She did not learn anything positive about herself, she did not add to her character, integrity or self worth, but instead depleted them. The things she said she would never do, she is doing. There is no healing here, there is only a band aide.
TIME: Time does not heal, time only makes it easier to handle. You will never forget the pain, you will just learn to choose what to remember. There is no such thing as a time limit, it is a personal journey we take individually. Some of us will heal by improving our lives, while others will not heal and carry their pain into the lives of others, only to continue the cycle of pain.
I am tired of hearing, "You will feel better in about 2 years," or "Your right on the mark, this is where I would expect you to be at 6 months." I am tired of the false hopes of time.
Do not watch the clock, do not count the days or months and do not keep track of the years, instead focus on your own life. Work on your fears, insecurities, grieve what has been lost, cry tears of sadness and joy, scream and yell until you are hoarse, do what ever it is you have to do to regain YOU.
I am still today, angry. Almost 3 years since discovery and I find myself still angry. My anger has turned on me though, now I am angry at myself. I am angry that for so many years, I buried my head in the sand, angry that I let my life get here, angry that I did not do for myself, angry that I did not believe in myself. My anger is a healthy anger, because it is keeping me on a growing path in my life. Since the focus of my anger was taken off of my husband, his other women and placed on myself, I have been able to move, grow and get beyond my husbands betrayal of me and unto the betrayal of myself.
Time has not been my friend, nor my enemy, time has just been time. Standing still, unable to move, trapped by my fears, my insecurities, these things have been my enemy, 10 years from now, they could still be my enemy if I chose them to be, in fact my anger at myself has become my weapon against my enemies and I am going to fight them until the day I take my last breath.
When you have faced your fears and conquered them, when you have battled your insecurities and won, when you have faced the worst pain imaginable and came out the other side a more positive and healthier person, than you are on the road to truly healing.
If you are waiting for time to pass, it will. If you truly want to heal, than CHOOSE to heal. Find out what your fears really are, go discover your insecurities and start facing them one at a time. You may lose a few battles along the way, but when the war is over, you will walk out stronger, wiser, taller and so much happier with who you are. YOU WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE A VICTOR, INSTEAD OF A VICTIM.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL IN YOUR JOURNEY TO SELF.
Know one can tell you how long it will take to heal, that is a journey only you can decide. The thing I know for sure is, YOU MUST HEAL.
I want to tell you a short story of a lady I met early on in my discovery. She had found out about her husband 4 years prior. I thought she was way ahead of me in the healing process. She had caught her husband having a secret 3 month email affair with a woman from a different country. His affair was never physical in person, their emails were graphic with sexual detail, along with the I Love You to each other and my new friend was devastated. She told me that it took her by complete surprise, her husband was not the type of man to have an affair. She had caught him early in their marriage going to strip clubs but he had stopped that as soon has she had caught him, then later in their marriage she caught him viewing porn on their home computer and once again it came to a stop. She never viewed the strip clubs or the porn as betrayal. She saw it only as something men will do. I understand her thought process on this, it is easy to bury your head in the sand. When your busy raising children, working a job, trying to keep up on your house and yard, it takes to much time and effort to deal with your husbands issues. Why should you have to, after all he is a grown man and you have your own issues to deal with, right? Anyway, I truly believed that she would help me on my journey to healing and I was absolutely disappointed to find she had not healed at all.
After 4 years of trying to salvage her marriage, she was still caught up in her anger at the other woman. In fact I found that her anger was more at the Other Woman than at her own husband. She was going to personal counseling, once in awhile anyway, but when she went, her and her therapist talked more about how to heal her husband than how to heal herself. Through time, I found out she did not believe in forgiveness. Forgiveness to her meant she had to trust him again immediately and that she had to let go of what he had done to her, which meant in her eyes, that he had gotten away with it. Her husband had been doing what ever he needed to do to help save their marriage, going to counseling, attending 12 step group classes, he was doing everything she had asked of him, yet she was not working on herself.
She was 47 when I met her and she had a huge fear of being left alone at her age. She was afraid that know one would want her and that she would spend the rest of her life alone. This screams insecurity and this is something that most of us that have been betrayed by our spouse feel. (We were not good enough). Instead of working on her insecurities and her own issues, she was working on his sexual addiction.
It had been over 6 years since her discovery when she caught her husband in another lie. He had made plans to go to a golf tournament with some co-workers, his partner was a lady that he had admitted he was attracted to. When my friend found out a month later, it all blew up and she ended up divorcing him within two months. Do I blame her for this decision, NO. After the divorce was finalized, she continued to see him almost daily, but at night when he was not there, she would call him, yelling and screaming about how he broke up his family, about how he had hurt her beyond belief, how could he do this, there were times when she would call him at 2 in the morning, because she could not sleep and her anger would build. These calls went on for months. While she was making these calls to her ex husband she was on the Internet posting her profile on sites to reconnect to her past friends, her fear of being alone was screaming out all over her life. Like I said, she never did the work on her self.
About 7 months after her divorce, she ran across an old girlfriend on Face Book. She began to renew their friendship, than one night her old girlfriend told her that she had been living with a man they both knew from high school, they had been living together for the past 15 years. They had never married, nor had kids.
One night while my friend was on the Internet, she received an email from her old girlfriends partner. She responded to it and for the next month she and him began to have late night secret email conversations. When she told me about their conversations and what he was saying, I got extremely upset. I told her she was getting into a situation just like what her husband had done to her, she disagreed, saying they were never married, nor had kids, it was not the same. I asked her if her old girlfriend knew they were corresponding, she said she did not know, but did not think so. I asked her how she could hurt someone else like this, knowing the pain it causes, all she would say is, well according to him, their relationship was over anyway. This new man had told my friend that she was the woman he had dreamed about for years and that he never married because he could not find someone who compared to her. She believed everything he said to her and got lost in his words. It helped to boast her ego. Within 1 month of them emailing each other, they were sleeping together, two weeks later, he moved in with her, without telling his 15 year partner. My friend thought this was all fine and she felt wonderful, she was falling in love again. The newness of an affair.
My friend was still sleeping and having sex with her ex husband, she was inviting him over for family dinners and holidays, up until her new friend moved in. She had let her children believe that she was trying to salvage her relationship with their dad, that the reason they divorced is because the old vows were not kept and that they would have to take those vows again someday, so the old marriage had to die and a new marriage would have to be formed. When her children found out about her new partner, they were extremely angry with her, they are now refusing to speak to her altogether. She lied to them. Amazingly she does not see it this way. Her ex husband found out by stopping by her house one Sunday morning with a cup of coffee for her. My friend called this, payback. Wow, I was amazed that someone who had been betrayed and hurt to the core, that knew how it felt to be so deeply wounded could do this to another woman and her own family.
It took about two weeks before her old girlfriend found out about her partner moving in with my friend. Once she had found out, the rumor mill began and my friend became a target for all to throw darts at. My friend who was once thought of as loving, kind, generous, was now a whore, tramp, home wrecker, ect. Every name my friend had called her husbands other woman was now being labeled on her. She is thriving in this drama, she will laugh about it, joke about it and make excuses for her behavior. She really believes she is healed from her husbands betrayal.
The character, integrity and self respect I truly believed my friend had, was gone in my eyes. She had thrown them out the window. She believes she is still the same person, I do not. It has been over 7 years now since my friend found out about her husband of almost 30 years and she is still lost. She has never healed from her husbands 3 month affair, instead she is carrying it into someone else life. She never worked to get beyond her insecurities of being alone and now has herself, betrayed an old friend and her family.
I am know longer friends with her. She is lost, in a sea of unforgiveness and pain. I could not walk this path with her as a friend, as much as I care for her and her family, I could not watch her hurt so many, including herself. She is standing on a self righteous throne of payback, even to those who did not deserve payback.
My friend has not healed at all from the pain her husbands betrayal caused her. She did not learn anything positive about herself, she did not add to her character, integrity or self worth, but instead depleted them. The things she said she would never do, she is doing. There is no healing here, there is only a band aide.
TIME: Time does not heal, time only makes it easier to handle. You will never forget the pain, you will just learn to choose what to remember. There is no such thing as a time limit, it is a personal journey we take individually. Some of us will heal by improving our lives, while others will not heal and carry their pain into the lives of others, only to continue the cycle of pain.
I am tired of hearing, "You will feel better in about 2 years," or "Your right on the mark, this is where I would expect you to be at 6 months." I am tired of the false hopes of time.
Do not watch the clock, do not count the days or months and do not keep track of the years, instead focus on your own life. Work on your fears, insecurities, grieve what has been lost, cry tears of sadness and joy, scream and yell until you are hoarse, do what ever it is you have to do to regain YOU.
I am still today, angry. Almost 3 years since discovery and I find myself still angry. My anger has turned on me though, now I am angry at myself. I am angry that for so many years, I buried my head in the sand, angry that I let my life get here, angry that I did not do for myself, angry that I did not believe in myself. My anger is a healthy anger, because it is keeping me on a growing path in my life. Since the focus of my anger was taken off of my husband, his other women and placed on myself, I have been able to move, grow and get beyond my husbands betrayal of me and unto the betrayal of myself.
Time has not been my friend, nor my enemy, time has just been time. Standing still, unable to move, trapped by my fears, my insecurities, these things have been my enemy, 10 years from now, they could still be my enemy if I chose them to be, in fact my anger at myself has become my weapon against my enemies and I am going to fight them until the day I take my last breath.
When you have faced your fears and conquered them, when you have battled your insecurities and won, when you have faced the worst pain imaginable and came out the other side a more positive and healthier person, than you are on the road to truly healing.
If you are waiting for time to pass, it will. If you truly want to heal, than CHOOSE to heal. Find out what your fears really are, go discover your insecurities and start facing them one at a time. You may lose a few battles along the way, but when the war is over, you will walk out stronger, wiser, taller and so much happier with who you are. YOU WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE A VICTOR, INSTEAD OF A VICTIM.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL IN YOUR JOURNEY TO SELF.
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