LETTER TO A WIFE IN PAIN

I wanted to share an email I wrote to a wife whose life has been ripped apart from an affair that her husband is still involved in. If you have any help you can offer her, please post a comment, she reads my blog daily. Lets reach out our hands and hearts to her and help her regain her strength and move forward in her life to a positive place of healing.
God Bless You all for your wisdom and compassion for others, who are suffering the pain we all know can at times be excruciating.
God Bless you all for your caring hearts.
Kate

Good Morning Judy

I am so sorry to hear that your husband is having such a hard time. I would like to ask you one question, do you deserve this?
Can you remove all your emotions out of this for one second and look straight at the facts. What are the facts? Your husband is an alcoholic, he is messed up, physically, spiritually and it goes right into his soul. He has had and is still having an affair on you. He is hurting you and your daughter, continually. He has made NO attempt to better his life and he is taking your life down the same road his is on. Other than the house payment, it sounds like to me, you carry all the responsibility to your relationship and lifestyle. If you had never met this man, you were just meeting him for the first time today, would you invest your life in his. Knowing all of this about him, would you still want him in your life? How about the life of your daughter? The man that she calls Dad, is the type of man she will look for one day in her own husband, is this the kind of man you want your daughter to marry?
If you could remove your feelings and just look at the facts, what do you see?

I am not saying, in any way that your husband does not have good qualities. I am quiet sure he does. The sad thing is I don't think he believes he does. He lives in his self pity and he has you to give him the empathy to remain there. He drinks reality away, because he doesn't want to face it, its to hard for him. At least that's the excuse he gives himself. Judy you give him that excuse to. Step back, take a look at all the facts, without your emotions.

What is love to you, Judy? Do you love him enough to set him free? Do you love yourself enough to set yourself free? I am not talking about divorce, I am talking about getting your life back. You can do that without getting a divorce. All you have to do is set your boundaries and what the accountability to crossing those boundaries will be and start living by them.

Before my discovery, I tolerated my husband treating me disrespectfully. I tolerated his lack of emotional support, I tolerated him not being responsible with finances, I tolerated, I tolerated, I tolerated, I excused, I excused, I excused, I justified, I justified, and I justified. NOT ANYMORE !!!! I tolerated, excused and justified, because of my own fears, my own insecurities, my own issues. I once said to my husband, "IF YOUR NOT WORTH YOU GETTING HEALTHY FOR YOU, IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT TO GET YOUR OWN HELP AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE, WHY SHOULD I INVEST ONE MORE MINUTE, HOUR, DAY OF MY LIFE INTO YOU, IF YOU WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE, YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING THE EXCRUCIATING HARD WORK TO BETTER YOUR OWN." I stopped all my justifications, my excuses as to why he behaved the way he did and I stopped tolerating his treatment of me. I started to love myself again and I loved him enough to stop being a co-dependent and start being an independent human that would hold him responsible to his own healthy life.

One thing I know for sure, we learn are best lessons in life during our most painful times.

If you truly love your husband, stop justifying, excusing and tolerating his bad choices and behavior and start making him accountable to how he treats you, his daughter and himself. His so called girlfriend won't do this for him, there is NO way she loves him this much or is that unselfish.

Trust me, there is no winner between you and his girlfriend. No matter who your husband chooses to be with, neither one of you win. The only way to win in this kind of mess, is to win your own life back, to win your health, your spirit and your soul. When you start regaining you again, you win, you win your happiness, you win your security, your integrity and everything else you lost during all of this and through all this your daughter wins to.

Throw away your reasons, don't focus on your husband or your marriage, start gaining new reasons to focus on making your life better and let your husband NO what he needs to do to be apart of your life, set your boundaries and accountability to crossing them. If you truly love your husband, most importantly if you love yourself, you'll start doing this for your family.

Go to my blog and click on Harbouring Hope, they have a new video there on Intrusive thoughts and how to over come them. Its free.

God Bless YOU
Kate

HELPFUL LINKS

I want to take a moment and thank all of you that are reading and following my blog. I apologize on my long winded posts. I get on a thought process as to where my life has been, where its going and how I am getting there and at times don't know where to shut it off.

Please check out the Helpful Links, there is so much information there from others who have been through this train wreck. My husband and I took the Affair Recovery 911 online course and I can not tell you how much it helped us. Before you begin that course, they have you sign an agreement that you won't split up during the program which is about 12 weeks, signing that agreement saved our marriage numerous times.

I so highly recommend taking any of Affair Recovery or Harboring Hope courses. I can tell you this from personal experience. THEY ARE SO WORTH IT.

For members of my blog, there will be some special offers given. So if you are interested in taking a course, please let me know. I might be able to get you a discount, maybe even for free.

I know that allot of you are already seeing a counselor, so if you are wondering what the difference is between your counselor and those at the Affair Recovery Center or Harboring Hope, please go read their bio's. They have been right where you are. They know exactly how it feels and how destructive it is to be betrayed.

I know that some of you have different beliefs. Affair Recovery and Harbouring Hope, speak allot on the power of God. God is their Higher Power. They do not shove God down your throat, they are not here to convert you into their belief system either, they just know, we can not walk this painful path alone, they want to help everyone, not just those who believe in God.

So please keep this in mind while you are reading or listening to their material.
My own belief system is faithfully in God.

If you have not already done so, please go listen to the Affair Recovery Radio Archives, they have some really great information there. I think you can listen to a few without joining their site. To me $29 a month is worth every cent to get the help I have received.

I have been all over the Internet for the past two years and no where have I found the kind of personal help and attention that I have gotten with Affair Recovery. I know this sounds like an ad, I don't mean it to sound that way, but I want everyone to benefit and move beyond the pain. I know, I know I would not be where I am today without the help of these wonderful people.

The Affair Recovery and Harboring Hope staff, Rick, Leslie, John, Wayne and Karen will be following my blog, if they see a comment posted from you, one of them could respond back with some very helpful information. So Please, post a comment, ask a question, anything you are struggling with or need.

I created my blog for those who truly want to move forward. Out of the anger, resentment, pain and confusion and back to a healthy life. Whether you are staying in your marriage or planning to walk alone, Affair Recovery, Harboring Hope and myself are here to help you in anyway we can on your journey to a better life.

Bless You All
Kate

WHERE SHOULD WE FOCUS

Why is it that we focus so much of our very being, on our spouse?

I believe that when we give someone else to much space in our mind, they control us.

Think about this for one moment, who do you focus on the most? Why?

Don't you believe you are worth more space in your own mind, than someone else? Why is it, that you are willing to give your spouse all this valuable space, without getting the same space from them in return? Do you believe you deserve equal space?

When someone gets this much space, or thought, from us, they begin to take our very being, our spirit and possibly our soul, away from us. We start handing it over to them, even when they don't ask for it or even want it. We give it when we don't even realize we're doing it. Why do you suppose we do this? Is it so we don't have to focus on our self? When we do this, who we really are, we aren't anymore. We have become to much about them. Who are we now?

Why is it, that we are more afraid of losing someone else, than we are about losing our own life. The death of our very own uniqueness of being. Our spirit, our soul.

That is what I did, I handed over my life to my husband and didn't look back. I left myself wide open to be devastated, to be hurt to my core and he hurt me, yes he did, he set a nuclear bomb off in my life, leaving me torn and bleeding, with pieces of my heart and soul scattered.

What was he doing with my life in the first place. He didn't ask me to give it to him. All he required was my word, that I would honor him, be faithful to him, be there through sickness and health, through richer or poorer. No where were the words spoken,"Give me your life, all of it, let me take total responsibility for your life." No, those words were never spoken, but that is exactly what I did. I kept my vows, my promise, my word. Why didn't I keep my life?

When I first married my husband, I had a full life. I had lots of friends. I was very active with my family, I loved the outdoors, I was always on the go. I was fun loving, easy going, happy, I loved to laugh, that soul laugh, I loved to cry, even for no reason at all, I thoroughly enjoyed life, of course, like everyone, I had my issues, but truly deep down in my being, I just loved being alive. Why, would I allow someone to control me, take so much space away from me? Especially, someone who says they love me, but does nothing to enhance my life. Why would I allow their words to affect my choices, while their actions spoke so differently. It changed me. It harden my heart, it smashed my spirit and it corrupted my soul. This is not love. True love enhances the other person, it takes the great qualities of someone and makes them greater. Love doesn't destroy. Why than did I allow my husband to abuse and destroy so much of me, my life?

Do you remember that feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you just couldn't wait to be with them, talk to them, when your thoughts of them were positive and wonderful, when you felt like you were the most important person in the world to them and they to you. Sitting up until late in the morning just to talk. Yet it didn't interfere with who you were as a person, it enhanced who you were. (Rick Reynolds with the Affair Recovery Center, did a radio show on this very thing called "Limerance", it should be in the radio archives, go listen to it.)

I married my husband and slowly, over time, I started letting go of friends, stopped doing things I liked doing, I quit spending money on my wants and needs, etc. Instead, I started focusing on my husband, my marriage. I put aside my needs, wants, dreams and desires. Every decision I had to make in my own life, I made based strictly on my marriage, my husband and our future. My husbands life became more important to me, than my own. In fact everything became more important, husband, kids, work, house, yard, laundry, bills, friends, I had no time to worry about my life.

WHEN I TOOK MY EYES OFF OF ME, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:

My husband was so busy and his job so stressful, that I took it upon myself, to accept, excuse and justify his behavior towards me, our marriage and our future.

I never held my husband accountable to his behavior in my life. Yet, I let him dominate my thoughts, my actions and my choices.

I believed I was kind, loving, understanding, forgiving, etc. (Inside, I was angry and resentful)

I spoke up, read the Letter To My Husband, 1999, I wrote, spoke, begged, bargained, pleaded, loved, forgave, yelled, screamed, on and on. Yet I accepted so little. Like his answer to my letter. "Now what, no I haven't cheated, I wouldn't do that. Yes, I love you, I'm just so busy at work and I am tired, all you want to do is talk, talk, talk." I shut up.

My gut screamed at me that something was wrong. 18 long years of gut pain. All I could hear was my husbands words. "I Love You."

Finances were missing. I would question, he would respond, I would believe and the cycle would begin again. When I quit working, by mutual agreement, I quit spending. He spent more.

Emotional support, absolutely non existence from my husband. I excused it. He was so busy. He had work pressures, so much stress.

I needed to just be held. He groped, whined and turned away.

Love Making, was empty. I was left feeling used and lonely. (I hated it)

In 1998, I was diagnosed with cancer. My husband was no where to be found. He never had time to take me to a Doctors appointment or Chemo. He was to busy. I went alone and than went to work, after work I went home to make dinner, do laundry, whatever needed to be done.
One night my husband walked into our room and found me crying. I was scared of dying. I was told to "Stop Being So Over Dramatic and Get A Life." I never shed another tear in front of my husband until November 25th, 2006. Discovery day.

IF I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON ME, ALL THE ABOVE WOULD HAVE HAPPENED DIFFERENTLY.

My husband should have stood accountable to his treatment of me and his behavior in our marriage. Most importantly, my life does matter. If it didn't matter to him, it should have mattered to me. Excusing, justifying and tolerating someone else's bad behavior, is not LOVE. In fact, its the opposite. When we truly love someone we want them to live their best life.

Never again, will I waste precious space in my mind. I will, (Hear me, I WILL) get my Life to a healthy place, where peace fills my mind and joy fills my soul. Where the Victories in my Life are Mine and the Losses, my Losses. Where I learn with each heart break, that I am strong, beautiful and a woman that I am proud of. Knowing as I walk forward out of this darkness that I have emerged the winner. I WON ME. Winning me back, means all those I love so dearly so honestly will be winners to, because they will have me back, fully capable of loving them unconditionally and freely.

I pray that each of us on this journey, relearn how to put our eyes back on ourself, giving us the space in our own minds, the wisdom to persevere, refocus on who we are. Keeping our eyes fixated on our very being, spirit and soul.

Lets take this nuclear bomb blast of infidelity and turn it into our greatest personal Victory ever. Get the space in your mind back. Focus on you.

God Bless Your Family and May God Bless You with a Fully Healthy Heart, Spirit and Soul.
Kate

Letter to my husband in 1999

Wayne,

I couldn't lay in bed anymore, it's 11:15 pm. I've been trying to figure out how to make you understand how I feel. I can't, it has finally really dawned on me that I can't. I even know why, because it's not important enough to you to understand.

You should be my best friend, but that takes listening, understanding, loyalty, honesty, commitment, responsibility to feelings and trust, but most of all respect. These are things you do not have with me.

1. You do not hear the things I say, even when and most importantly, it comes from my heart.
2. You can't understand because you always have the answers even when there are no questions.
3. Loyalty, is not just faithfulness, it also means making someone feel important, making them matter in your life.
4. Honesty, mean's NO secrets, and I know you have them, they keep a wall between us.
5. Commitment, Now there is a word which means to make it work, no matter what, what it may take, you don't have that with me because I have to be number one on your priority list and for 11 years, I've been telling you this, but I'm not a priority to you. Where's you commitment?
6. Feelings, the responsibility that goes with it. You take no responsibility for the things you say and do, that hurt me, it always ends up my fault. If you were to say or do something that upset a friend you would be on bended knee apologizing, you'd feel bad, it's just not that way with me, you don't treat me that way at all. No if you say or do something that hurts me, it becomes my fault, you take NO responsibility for my feelings at all and the way you treat them.
7. Trust, well it is more than just telling the truth, its trusting someone with your life, your feelings, your dreams, your secrets. This is not something I have with you. I have tried trusting you, but you let me down, time and time again. Why? When I have been sick, really sick, you will leave me alone, I have to call and beg you for help, than when you do come to help you want me to treat you like a hero, problem is I shouldn't have to ask, just like you never have to ask, I am just there. Even my birthday or anniversary, lets just say holidays in general, it is always up to me, never a surprise from you, nothing special from your heart. There is never anything special from you to me. Not even a little thing made special. Why?
8. RESPECT: Here's a big word. Now name one thing you respect about me? Tell me one time where you've shown it to me? When you treat me like I am stupid and 3 years old, where I have no experience in life and you have to teach me everything, because why I say has no value. Not only does that show lack of respect, it does allot of damage to my self respect. What I really don't understand is if that is truly how you feel about me, why is it than that when we get into a jam or problems arise, you expect me to just solve it, take care of it, you run and I'm left cleaning up the mess, that you create about 80% of the time. Do you get at all what I am saying?

I have had to fight a lot of battles alone, believe it or not most likely more than you have ever faced, in my 42 years. I have done things that you will never do, I pray. I had a life before you, I know I could do fine without you, but I did not get married almost 11 years ago just so I could get divorced, when life got hard, I expected a partner, a companion, a helpmate. We have been through allot of bumpy roads together, every time we got through one, I was the one changing, somehow it always became my fault, I even accepted it.

It's unbelievable to me that you tell me "You see a pretty woman and you picture her naked, guess what? It's my fault. Lucky me. Please tell me, just how do I make you do that. I am your wife, I know I am beautiful, yet you aren't proud of the woman who carries your last name and it's my fault?

When I asked you to take a lie detector test so that I could put my suspicions behind me, you refused, why? Oh that's right you have secrets, but there not about having an affair. How silly of me that I should think you are trustworthy, as there should be NO secrets between us. I have opened my life to you completely, why haven't you with me?

You get caught leaving a woman's motel room at 5:30 to 6:00 am, by a friend of mine, but you were only there getting her to sign work papers. You couldn't wait for her to get to work at 7:30am, because they had to be in the office when it opened at 8:00, Lie's Wayne, Lie's. You told me you'd never taken her to breakfast, lunch or dinner. When I spoke with her she said something quite different. I believe you wanted to sleep with her, maybe you even did, but one thing I know, you wanted to. This happened only 6 months into our marriage.

It's time for honesty. I know deep in my heart you have not been faithful to me. My gut feelings are hardly ever wrong and why I am choosing to listen to you instead of myself is strictly based on faith, faith in you, most likely unwarranted. I know there are things that need to be told, until they are I will never have peace. Please, Please, Please come clean and let me heal, one way or the other.

Property, money, belongings are all material things to me, they hold no value in my heart. If you think that you have given me everything, please go back and read 1 thru 8 of this letter. There is nothing more important to me than our marriage, it's time to put it on the line. I want more, I want honesty, I want trust, I want respect, I want to feel safe with you, there is only one way to get it and that is from you. It's all up to you. If you can't give me these things, than we have nothing, we are nothing more that roommates. I don't want to be your roommate, I want to be your wife in every sense of the word. I love you.

This is how I feel, these are the things I struggle with in our relationship, please, I beg of you, I need answers. We can start clean but I need honesty. If I am important at all to you, take time, make time, put me first and be honest with me.

All of these issues have been eating me up for years and it has changed who I am as a person. I am not afraid of your answers, I just need them so badly. Please!

I love you, even if we are not meant to be together, I will always love you. I wouldn't be here in this marriage and I wouldn't be writing this letter if I didn't care about you or us, if I didn't love you. I just can't live this way anymore. I try everyday, but to many things, thoughts come back and they push me away from you, I don't want to be at this distance, I want to be a part of you, you are the only one who can make this happen.

I have to face all of this and get rid of it once and for all and either start our life over, or say good bye. You are the only one who can help me with this. I am on bended knee, asking you to stop saying what you think I want to hear and start speaking the truth, I need it so desperately.

If you ever loved me, if our marriage ever meant anything to you, talk to me, openly, honestly and please do it soon.

I Love You Unconditionally, believe this.

Kate - Your Wife

STEP ONE THROUGH - CORE SOUL ANGER

My grandmothers life, impacted mine so greatly, that I handed out cheap forgiveness to anyone who hurt me. I thought for me to remain an unbitter, cold person I had to.

I was under the wrong impression of what forgiveness meant. I thought once you forgave, it meant you had to forget about it, never bring it up again, shove it so far down inside yourself that it would just magically disappear in time.

My problem with this belief, was it didn't magically disappear, but instead became a place of resentment and frustration.

After the damage done in my marriage, after I discovered my husbands nine year affair, within two weeks I told him I forgave him. I thought since I was so use to forgiveness that it would be easy to do. Just accept it and bury it deep. I was wrong. All that did was cause me to start distancing myself from him. Actually not just him, but my children and grandchildren to.

In the beginning 7 months, after I discovered my husbands affair, I was afraid to show my anger, I didn't know how to show or feel this type of anger and because the fear of him going to her and leaving our marriage was to great, doesn't this show my insecurities. I thought if I showed him what unconditional love was he would stay. Stuffing my feelings, got me no where but more angry. More resentful.

I began to be exactly what I said I would never become, "a cold, bitter, woman." I was becoming my grandmother. The anger rose up inside of me so deep, my soul was black. I had never been here before. I did not know anger to this extreme.

I didn't know what to do, I was lost. I was becoming someone I didn't even recognize, most importantly, even like, let alone love or admire.

I began to hate my husband. To even look at him gave me such disgust, at times I literally threw up. I began to get headaches. Physically I was going down hill. I fought everyday for my sanity. Everyday battling myself inside. Oh, I could fake it outside, when the need arose. I could put on a smile when I had to, but inside, I felt dead. When he would ask "How are you doing, or How was your day." I would say simple, "Fine, it was okay, just another day." That was a lie, now I was beginning to lie to. No longer telling him my true feelings.

Every memory for 18 years was gone. I couldn't look back and have any good or happy thoughts about where we had been, things said, things we had done, everything I once held special and dear was now empty and dirty. He had destroyed our innocence, our purity. I hated the fact I had even allowed him to touch me at all, let only, that I had sex with this man, during all those 18 years. How dare he do this to us, to our family, to me. How could he just throw us away, for what? Nasty sex and women with no morals or integrity. Why wasn't he just proud of the wife he had. She was beautiful, spiritually and physically. How could I have not been good enough for him to love and cherish?

I began to know all the emotions my grandmother had gone through for years. I don't know how many women my grandfather was with, but my husband, around 50 plus. Although the sex and emotional attachment he had with them was hard enough to comprehend, the absolute disgusting things he said about me, put me right over the top. He told his girlfriends, "How he could not stand me," "I was stupid, the most stupid woman he had ever met." "He made the biggest mistake by marrying me." "How he wished he could just be free from me, the bitch." "I was a pathological liar." "I wasted all his hard earned money." "He never loved me but was stuck with me." "I was nothing more than a roommate." It just went on and on. I think the one that got to me the worst was, "How horrible I was at sex." I guess it was to him, because I didn't have sex, I made love and there is a huge difference between them, I wanted to be close to my husband, not just use his body for my own pleasure, but to Love him. I had sacrificed so much of my own needs, wants and desires for a man who did not even want me. I begged him through out the years to just let me go, tell me if he wasn't happy, I would walk away freely. But he lied to me, he would tell him he was happy, he loved being married, didn't want to leave, lied. He also talked horribly about my children, saying they were inbreds, lazy, no good for nothing kids, etc. How can I explain to you just how deeply my anger and pain went. It went to my core.

How could I ever trust him again? In fact, I didn't trust anyone, anymore. Even my children. I distanced myself not just from my family but my friends as well. I was so dark inside, I was afraid of contaminating everyone around me. Sad thing is, I was, whether I was around them or not, my anger was hurting everyone I loved. Everyone.

During those 18 years, I could not imagine disrespecting or disregarding my husband. I loved him.

It took a long time for me to begin to heal my soul. But what I began to discover was that my husband was not me. Because I was trustworthy, I just believed him to be and freely trusted.
Since I was loyal, again, I believed him to be. I knew what unconditional love was, so he must to, right? He could tell me anything and I held it precious to my heart, I gave him the same respect, believing he to held my life sacred. I would have never thrown away my own self respect, self value, self dignity, it held to much value to me and he felt the same way, or I thought. Since I felt and believed a certain way, I just automatically handed my beliefs, my set of values, to my husband. I was wrong. I have now learned, we shouldn't just hand our own thoughts, beliefs or way of living to anyone else. They should earn it. My husband never earned any of these things from me, just because his words sounded good, because he knew what to say, I just freely handed it over, even when his actions or behaviors, didn't prove his words to be true.

I have now discovered, I was doing this with everyone in my life, friends, family, co-workers, everyone.

This was step one in my recovery. Realizing that I was an individual. My thoughts, beliefs, values, character, were mine and I should be proud of them. That others, including my husband, didn't think or feel as I do. As Rick, a counselor I have spoken with, once told me, "When you spot it, you got it." The thing was for me, I never spotted the things I had, my core, in others, my husband included, but I graciously, trustingly, honestly believed, they were just like me and when they let me down, when they didn't have the core values I expected them to have, understand the words, "I EXPECTED," I got hurt, I got angry, I got resentful, I got frustrated.

It wasn't until I realized that I was responsible for my own expectations of others and that just because I had certain standards that I choose to live, didn't mean others, including my husband lived the same standards. This is where I began to let go of the "Why and How could he." Because I began to understand that he was not me and I would never understand the "Why and How," I could not have done what he did and there is absolutely no way for me to ever understand, he could try to explain it for the rest of his life, I would never get it.
I began to let go of the two biggest questions in this maze of infidelity, and the beginning of my freedom began.

I believe this first step is something my grandmother never understood, but than they didn't have the help of professionals or books to read, Internet. Her generation, Women believed they had no value other than to serve their husbands and family. Today we no better, we do have value. We have access to all kinds of help today, but we must be willing to do the work, NO one can do it for us, it is up to us to make our lives healthy and happy.

Start believing in who you are, that you are worth it, your "Not Drinking from a Toxic Well," your drinking from the well of your own life.

Grandparents - 55th Wedding Anniversary

ANGER vs FORGIVENESS

Healing hearts with hope, how can you heal after such devastation, especially with hope, when its feels like such a hopeless place.

I loved my grandparents, but I adored my grandfather. My grandma was a cranky woman, who seemed to always be angry. She wasn't a loving, warm person. As a child I never understood why my grandma was always so mean.

I couldn't wait to be a grandma, I wanted to spoil my grandchildren, I wanted to show them true warmth and love. I wanted them to feel that going to grandma's house was special, a place they felt safe and happy, where their memories would make them feel joy and fill their hearts with warmth. Where a smile would appear when their world got rocky and that grandma's love would always be with them, throughout their lives.

My grandma wasn't at all like this. She just wasn't warm or loving. To describe her I would use words like, Cold, Cranky, Unloving, Angry, Mean, Unhappy, Negative. As a child, I never understood why she was this way. My grandfather was a jolly man, happy, loving, warm, fun, admired and respected, by so many.

As a child, I heard my grandmother yelling at my grandfather all the time and I use to feel so bad for him. She always treated him so coldly. I remember times when my grandfather would try to hug her and she would push him away, using the words, "Leave me alone." What I saw of my grandma's heart, well in a word, Ugly.

When my grandfather passed away in 1982, my grandmother never shed a tear. It was like just another day for her. In fact, she even said to me once, "Good Riddance". They were married 60 years and all she could feel or say was "Good Riddance."

Like I said, I loved my grandfather, to me he was a hero. This man could do no wrong in my eyes, in fact all of his grandchildren felt this way. He was a wonderful man.

Than one day I found out why my grandmother lived in anger, why she lived her life with so much bitterness.

My aunt took me to lunch, my grandmother joined us. I was 26 years old at the time and was going through my first divorce. As we were sitting there talking about my soon to be ex husband, my grandmother made a statement that has stuck with me since. "Men are worthless, they have no value, all they want to do is use you." My 80 year old grandmother, married 60 years, hated men, why, she had such a great husband. Immediately I began defending my grandfather, telling her how lucky she was to have such a wonderful man in her life, how everyone respected and idolized him, what a loving warm man he was.

On that day, which is now forever ingrained in my memory, I truly met my grandfather, the man I adored and admired, wasn't the man that lived in my heart at all. Even today, all these years later, as I write this my heart still breaks.

I heard that day about all my grandfathers girlfriends, how he would support other women financially, take them on trips, spend time with them and some of it was done right in front of my grandmother. I learned how he treated her with such disrespect and discarded. She told me, that throughout their entire marriage she never received one gift, not Christmas, birthday, nothing. My grandfather made decisions and never once asked her what she felt or thought. He would decide they were moving, he would go purchase a house and move, she could either come or stay, he didn't care. I sat there in complete shock. The man she was talking about was not my grandfather. That is not who I knew. If my aunt had not been there that day and acknowledged everything my grandmother said, I wouldn't have believed her. My grandfather was a good man, all of this just couldn't be true.

When I asked my grandmother why she stayed and tolerated it, she reminded me of her generation. Women stayed, even through abuse. She felt it was her duty. She said it began when they were first married and continued for the next 60 years. What could she have done.

I felt sad, heart broken for her. How horrible to be treated that way for so long. How could this wonderful man I knew, be so cruel, so heartless, so mean.

Everyday for 60 years, her spirit died, her anger grew and bitterness became her way of life. Not just with my grandfather but with everyone around her. When she died in 1993, no one stood up to give a eulogy and when asked if anyone would like to share about her life, there was no response, no one stood in her honor. What my grandmother left behind, was this, "I don't want to live like she did, I never want to be a bitter, cold person."

My grandmothers anger destroyed her life, it destroyed any chance of happiness or personal peace and it contaminated her relationship with all the others around her. Her bitterness is how she is remembered today, when others speak of her, I still hear "She was a cold, bitter woman."

How I wish she could have found a way to forgive my grandfather, to open her heart, because I know underneath the pain, she was a loving, warm, caring, beautiful woman that had so much more to offer, especially, those of us who were her family.

Her children, grandchildren and friends were cheated out of knowing the real woman, because she choose anger over forgiveness and Self Love.