LETTER TO A WIFE IN PAIN

I wanted to share an email I wrote to a wife whose life has been ripped apart from an affair that her husband is still involved in. If you have any help you can offer her, please post a comment, she reads my blog daily. Lets reach out our hands and hearts to her and help her regain her strength and move forward in her life to a positive place of healing.
God Bless You all for your wisdom and compassion for others, who are suffering the pain we all know can at times be excruciating.
God Bless you all for your caring hearts.
Kate

Good Morning Judy

I am so sorry to hear that your husband is having such a hard time. I would like to ask you one question, do you deserve this?
Can you remove all your emotions out of this for one second and look straight at the facts. What are the facts? Your husband is an alcoholic, he is messed up, physically, spiritually and it goes right into his soul. He has had and is still having an affair on you. He is hurting you and your daughter, continually. He has made NO attempt to better his life and he is taking your life down the same road his is on. Other than the house payment, it sounds like to me, you carry all the responsibility to your relationship and lifestyle. If you had never met this man, you were just meeting him for the first time today, would you invest your life in his. Knowing all of this about him, would you still want him in your life? How about the life of your daughter? The man that she calls Dad, is the type of man she will look for one day in her own husband, is this the kind of man you want your daughter to marry?
If you could remove your feelings and just look at the facts, what do you see?

I am not saying, in any way that your husband does not have good qualities. I am quiet sure he does. The sad thing is I don't think he believes he does. He lives in his self pity and he has you to give him the empathy to remain there. He drinks reality away, because he doesn't want to face it, its to hard for him. At least that's the excuse he gives himself. Judy you give him that excuse to. Step back, take a look at all the facts, without your emotions.

What is love to you, Judy? Do you love him enough to set him free? Do you love yourself enough to set yourself free? I am not talking about divorce, I am talking about getting your life back. You can do that without getting a divorce. All you have to do is set your boundaries and what the accountability to crossing those boundaries will be and start living by them.

Before my discovery, I tolerated my husband treating me disrespectfully. I tolerated his lack of emotional support, I tolerated him not being responsible with finances, I tolerated, I tolerated, I tolerated, I excused, I excused, I excused, I justified, I justified, and I justified. NOT ANYMORE !!!! I tolerated, excused and justified, because of my own fears, my own insecurities, my own issues. I once said to my husband, "IF YOUR NOT WORTH YOU GETTING HEALTHY FOR YOU, IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE YOUR WORTH THE EFFORT TO GET YOUR OWN HELP AND CHANGE YOUR LIFE, WHY SHOULD I INVEST ONE MORE MINUTE, HOUR, DAY OF MY LIFE INTO YOU, IF YOU WANT TO BE IN MY LIFE, YOUR GOING TO HAVE TO START DOING THE EXCRUCIATING HARD WORK TO BETTER YOUR OWN." I stopped all my justifications, my excuses as to why he behaved the way he did and I stopped tolerating his treatment of me. I started to love myself again and I loved him enough to stop being a co-dependent and start being an independent human that would hold him responsible to his own healthy life.

One thing I know for sure, we learn are best lessons in life during our most painful times.

If you truly love your husband, stop justifying, excusing and tolerating his bad choices and behavior and start making him accountable to how he treats you, his daughter and himself. His so called girlfriend won't do this for him, there is NO way she loves him this much or is that unselfish.

Trust me, there is no winner between you and his girlfriend. No matter who your husband chooses to be with, neither one of you win. The only way to win in this kind of mess, is to win your own life back, to win your health, your spirit and your soul. When you start regaining you again, you win, you win your happiness, you win your security, your integrity and everything else you lost during all of this and through all this your daughter wins to.

Throw away your reasons, don't focus on your husband or your marriage, start gaining new reasons to focus on making your life better and let your husband NO what he needs to do to be apart of your life, set your boundaries and accountability to crossing them. If you truly love your husband, most importantly if you love yourself, you'll start doing this for your family.

Go to my blog and click on Harbouring Hope, they have a new video there on Intrusive thoughts and how to over come them. Its free.

God Bless YOU
Kate