DISCOVERY DATE RELIVED

This picture was taken at the Oregon Coast and God's beautiful sunset made me realize just how magnificent God truly is.


My two year anniversary of the discovery of my husbands betrayals is just a few days away.

How could I ever forget, November 23, 2006. It was Thanksgiving night, my children and grandchildren just packing up to leave after a wonderful day. During the hustle and bustle of getting them out the door my husbands cell phone started beeping, after I told him numerous times that he had a message, I retrieved it myself.

The funny thing is I had never done this before. In all our years together I never invaded his privacy. It was his work phone, we are in construction and have always gotten many calls at night, during the weekends and on holidays. If any of you are in this business, you know there is no down time.

Because I have been involved in construction as a General Contractor, I knew the routine. Work late hours and receive a hundred calls a day, nothing there ever seemed to be out of whack. I know that some of you have checked your husband cell phone records and were able to immediately figure out something was going on. This would have been impossible for me, unless I redialed every number on his bill and even than that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere as we both talked to men and women all day long.

What I heard that night will forever ring loud and clear in my mind. "If your trying to hurt me, you did a good job, thanks a lot and have a happy Thanksgiving." I was stunned, this didn't sound like a business call to me. I hit replay and handed the phone over to my son in law, I asked him if it sounded like a business call to him, he told me not to jump to conclusions, that maybe it was a wrong number. I knew better. After all the kids were gone and my husband and I were headed off to bed, did I finally question him about it. As we walked into the bedroom, I threw his cell phone on the bed and said, "Explain the message left for you on here." He started to tell me how tired he was, I picked the phone up and replayed the message for him using his speaker phone. He immediately went into defense mode. "It must be a wrong number, I don't know who that is." So I than called his phone using our house phone so he could hear himself say, "Hi this is Wayne ____ with the name of our company, etc..." Now wouldn't someone know they had dialed the wrong number before that 2 minute speech was finished and hung up. Yes they would have, I knew he was lying, I knew that call was meant for him and I knew it was not a work call. He was so defensive, angry, saying how tired he was and just wanted to sleep so I shut up and laid down. Has he snored, I laid awake all night knowing that the next day I was ending my marriage.

When he finally woke up and got out of bed, I couldn't talk. It was Friday morning the 24th and our 18 year wedding anniversary was Sunday. He tried to talk to me, not about the phone call but about the day with the kids and how wonderful it was, but I couldn't speak, all I could do was stare out the window, thinking about the words I was going to use to ask him to leave. Suddenly, he tries to hand me a package with a card and the words "I know this is early but happy anniversary." I just shook my head no, I still couldn't speak. After a few moments he sat down on the edge of the bed and these words came out of his mouth. "I am going to tell you the truth, that phone call you heard last night was a mistake I made in the late nineties, I'm so sorry." All I could think was, late nineties to 2006, there are a lot of years here, but I couldn't speak. He tried to hug me as the tears were running down my cheeks and all I could do was shove him away, that's when my words came. "GO AWAY", that is all I could say and I spoke them over and over. He had no tears, he had no remorse, he showed nothing but self pity for himself, he knew it was over. After about 30 minutes of him trying to convince me that he made a big mistake, never had feelings for this woman, it was strictly sex and that he felt blackmailed by her, I still couldn't speak anything but "GO AWAY."

He finally did leave the bedroom, he went into the garage and started working on something like nothing happened. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed my best friend of 26 years and all I could say to her was, "If I ever needed you, it would be now, please come over." She could tell I was crying and extremely upset, she kept asking me, "Whats wrong?" but I couldn't speak. She was at my house within minutes, we live about 20 miles apart, she flew over. When she got there, I still couldn't speak, I just played her the message, she was in shock. She immediately asked me what I wanted to do and all I could say was "I want him to Go Away." She went to the garage, told him she was taking me out of the house for an hour and that he needed to be gone when we got back.

I honestly think he thought I was going to let him stay, that everything was going to stay the same. In fact he told me not long ago, that it wasn't until he was driving down our driveway that it dawn on him that our marriage was done, over. That he had just lost his family. It sure didn't stop him from calling his affair partner though. He called her as he was leaving, he was both angry with her for leaving the message and crying on her shoulder about losing everything. He told her during their conversation that he did not want our marriage and would never come back, when she asked him what that meant for them, he stated, that they would continue.

That night when I got back, I called my kids and they all came over. At that time I only knew about the one affair and that is what I told my children, but than it was enough. The pain I saw in them was more than a mother should ever see in her children. I felt responsible for bring this man into their lives.

He had told them all on Thanksgiving how much he loved them, how he just wanted to say it to them in case anything ever happened to him. Now my children felt completely lied to and betrayed. My son said, "If he could treat you like that mom, there is no way he ever loved us." I hated my husband for that, hate might be putting it a little lite.

My best friend and my oldest daughter spent the night with me that night. I thank God everyday for that support.

The shock was starting to wear off and questions started entering my mind, things I should have asked my husband when he confessed but like I said I couldn't speak. I could now, so I called him. I could hear the pain in his voice, put it didn't mean anything to me. I asked him for his girlfriends name and phone number, at first he didn't want to give it to me, but after my best friend spoke with him, explaining how I had a right to answers, he give it up. Amazing how he couldn't remember her last name though. I sat up all night trying to call his girlfriend, she never answered, little did I know he had called her and told her not to answer my call.

The next day, Saturday the 25th, I made my husband come face the kids, my son refused, but he did speak with my daughters, after they were done, we spoke briefly and he left.

On Sunday our 18 year anniversary, I again had him come over, that day we talked a lot more, I removed my wedding ring from my finger and handed it back to him, I have never put it back on. The meaning is forever gone.

On Monday, I called my Pastor who is also a personal counselor for our church. After I explained what had happened over the past four days he told me to prepare myself, that I probably hadn't heard it all and that there was most likely more affairs, etc. to be told. No matter how prepared you think you are, your not. I had my suspicions early on in our marriage and it left me always wondering, but I was not prepared for what I got, for who he was, he certainly was not the man I married or loved.

I remember wanting to get into the shower and scrub all my skin off, I felt dirty for allowing this man to ever touch me. There was nothing special between us anymore. I asked my husband sometime during the first month, what he had to offer me that wasn't already used up. What did he have that was special for just me. He tried to tell me his heart, that was a joke as far I could tell, he had no heart. I felt he had nothing left to give me, nothing positive, nothing pure and nothing special. He had shared it with way to many.

Now our 20 year anniversary is coming on the 26 of November and Wayne asked me what I wanted to do, how do I want to celebrate our 20 years together. I asked him what do we have to celebrate, 2o years of marriage? Marriage is , commitment and trust, loyalty, sharing, faithfulness, a partnership and friendship, we have not had a marriage to celebrate and I was not going to celebrate signing a piece of paper that was not held sacred for more than 6 months. He said what about 20 years of knowing each other, what do you mean, knowing each other, I haven't known who you were and you have not cared or taken the time to know me, how do we celebrate that. November 26 is not a day to celebrate in anyway. It is now just another day in life. That life is over.

Although Wayne has done so much to change and I can see his changes, it is not about his changes for me anymore, it is about mine. My changes are the deciding factor if our relationship remains. If someday it works out that we can renew our vows and those vows are true and held to the highest level of commitment than I will embrace it. I try not to forecast the future as it is not here yet, I live one day at a time and thank God I have been blessed with another day. Wayne's damage is his to repair, my damage is mine to repair, but he has responsibility to help me heal, by answering my questions and being a support to me.

This time of year is forever changed my excitement for the holidays, but I know with God Grace, I will survive and I pray in time, when my anniversary dates come, that it will get easier every year. Never forgetting, never ignoring, never burying it, but by facing it and confronting it head on.

Has strong as I am, this time of year still takes my soul, my spirit and puts it to the test. I ask for your prayers and your strength and any advice on how you have managed to over come your anniversary of discovery.

I have decided to celebrate Wayne's 2 year sobriety instead of our anniversary, so we are going to a very nice place at the beach for a couple of days. 2 years of being sober is a great accomplishment and I am proud of him for achieving it.

God Bless you all, and my heart goes out to all who are facing their discovery anniversary around the holidays.
Kate